Chapter 16
A/N: This chapter is a long one. It starts out rough but keep reading in the end you all may just forgive me. This chapter is done a little different, was trying something new. If you read, then please review. So with out any further gilding the Lilly, here is the next chapter.
Brandon is sitting in the waiting room after being told a couple of days ago that Callie had short term memory loss. When she had finally awoken she hadn't remembered him at all. Nothing about what they had shared. Nothing about how they felt for each other.
Brandon wondered if there was ever a moment in any one else' life where they thought that someone was out there controlling their lives? Acting like it was all a game. He remember when he was younger Mariana had this dolls house. Her and her friends would sit and play with it for hours, like it was the coolest thing. They would come up with these different stories and act them out. He wonders if that maybe there is a big network of dolls houses out there and everyone was the dolls within them. Maybe that explains why he feels as though someone has literally ripped out his heart and stomped on it.'
He looks out the window trying to get him self to stop thinking. To just be here as close to her as he could be. He was scared to be in the room. He didn't know if he could hide his feelings for her. But his mind wonders back to his train of thought.
'This is supposed to be a happy time for me. Everyone keeps telling me to give it time. That it will all come back. But what if it doesn't. What if all I'm left with is what I've got now? Nothing, well maybe not nothing. I still have my family. I just don't have the one thing that I want. Maybe I'm never supposed to have it!' He thinks to himself
Right now it feels like he had the one thing that he holds dear above everything else, even his own life, torn away from him. Yet it's still there, it isn't completely gone. He doesn't have any of the answers. At least not to the questions that he really need answers for.'
'What do you do when someone you love thinks that things are one way, when everyone else knows that they are another.' He thinks.
"Brandon why don't you come in with me. I think it will do you some good to at least talk to her a little. Maybe she will start to remember." Lena says.
"Ok." Is all he says.
"Callie are you awake?" Lena asks.
"Mmhm." Callie turns to face her.
"How are you?" Lena asks.
"A little sore."
Brandon approaches the bed. He sits in the chair next to it and looks at the monitors. He is scared to look her in the eyes. Not knowing if he can hide his true feelings.
"You gave us quite a scare, we thought that we'd lost you for a minute." Brandon says.
"I'm sorry, you said your name is Brandon?" Callie asks.
"Yeah." He says.
"Ok, and how do we know each other?" She asks.
"I am Stef's biological son. Lena is my other mom." Brandon says.
"So you are like my foster brother?" Callie asks.
"It is a little more complicated than that." Brandon says.
"Brandon why don't you give me and Callie a few minutes." Lena says.
"Sure I will be in the waiting room." He says and gets up and walks out.
"Lena, why do bad things keep happening to me and Jude?" Callie asks.
"I don't know Callie." Lena answers.
"Things where just starting to get better for us, weren't they? And now this." Callie asks
"They were, and still are. This is just a minor sit back is all." Lena tells her
Mike and Jesus are talking outside Callie's room. The next minute Brandon comes running out of the room, he passes Mike and Jesus and then down the corridor out of the hospital.
"Hey Brandon." Mike says then looks at Jesus. "I'll go after him."
"Have you ever had that moment, that feeling in your life that everything you ever truly loved was being pulled away from you? And that the person you loved didn't even realise it? Didn't even know that you where hurting?"
Mike walks out of the hospital entrance and sees Brandon sitting under a tree with his head in his hands.
"Brandon?" Mike says.
He sits down beside him and puts his arm around him. Trying to give him support as much as he could. He knew his son was hurting, but didn't know how to take away the pain.
"Want to talk?" Mike asks.
"For the past few day I have had to live like the past two weeks of my life didn't happen. Like it didn't mean anything to anyone but me. In a sense I've lost the woman I love And the thing that really kills me is that I can't tell her anything." Brandon says.
"Has there ever been a time that there were people out there that know more about your life than you do? And no matter how much they wanted to tell you everything, well they couldn't? Because they've been told by the doctors not to tell me." Callie thinks out loud.
"We can't you have to remember yourself." Lena says.
"I know there is something I am missing." Callie says.
"Like what?" Lena asks.
"I feel like a part of me is missing." She says.
"Maybe." Lena says.
"Was I seeing someone? Someone who isn't suppose to come around till I remember?" Callie asks.
"You know I can't say." Lena says with sadness in her heart.
"Please tell me something, anything." Callie pleads.
"Callie, I can't." Lena says.
"Please just tell me!" Callie cries.
"Yes. But that is all you are getting from me." Lena says.
"This is no fair!" Callie says.
"I'm so sorry this happened." Lena says.
"Does he love me?" Callie asks.
"With all his heart." Lena answers as a tear falls down her cheek.
"Lena can you tell me anything about him? It doesn't have to be big, please." Callie asks.
"Callie, his eyes light up when you walk in a room. It's been like that ever since you've know him. I know how much he loves you, because I can hear it in his voice when he says something about you. I know that he wishes he could be here for you in every way that he wants to be. That the one thing he wants to do more than anything else is to just hold you in his arms." Lena says.
"Lena?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you. And could you do me a favor?" Callie asks.
"Maybe,what is it?" Lena asks.
"Next time you talk to him tell him that I love him! And that I'll try to remember." Brandon is standing at the crack in the door, tears streaming down his face.
"Sure. But somehow I think that he already knows." Lena says when she sees Brandon standing there.
"I don't know who this must be worse for, Brandon or Callie?" Jesus says.
"Well when you think about it Callie doesn't remember anything from the past few Months." Mariana says.
"But then think of how Brandon must feel. His world has turned completely upside down again. He's lost so much and the worst thing is, the one person who would share all of that pain with him is part of the cause of all that pain. And she doesn't even remember their relationship. He's trying to help Callie through this, but who helps him?" Jesus asks.
"I guess we have to try and help him." Mariana says.
A couple more weeks have gone by. Both Stef and Callie have been released from the hospital. Both are recovering quickly. They had finally broke down and told her she and Brandon had been good friends.
Callie is sitting in hers and Mariana's room looking at things. She was hoping something would jog her memory. But so far nothing had.
'I want to know what happened over the past few months. I want to know who loves me. Most of all I just want answers. Although I do take a little comfort from knowing that someone out there does love me.' She thinks to herself.
She knew that she had finally been happy with her life. Everyone has been so helpful, but sometimes it gets to her that they know stuff that she doesn't. And because of this she has started to snap at them.
She had seen some changes in the way they act around her now, including how Brandon her friend acts. She looks in Brandon's eyes and she doesn't see in them what she used to see. All she sees in them now is a mixture of pain, confusion and hope.
It seems like that she feels something for him, something more than friendship. But maybe it's just because he's my friend and he is nice to me.
Lately when she looks in his eyes it seems as though one of these is slowly dwindling. It seems as though day by day, they don't show as much hope as they used to. As though he's given up hope of her memory ever returning.
She wish that he could tell her everything. She doesn't know for sure but senses that they had become the best of friends. That's what she miss most of all. She miss her friend. she wants him here with her. But can't help the fact she seems to be pushing him further away. She seem to be saying things to him before thinking about what she is saying. And it kills her to know that she is hurting him. It kills her to see he's hurting.
She sees the pain in his eyes. She wish that they could just tell her everything. It seemed as though through all of this that he was still there.
"You ok?" Brandon asks from the door way.
"No it sucks I can't remember anything from the last couple of months." She says.
"Yeah I bet it does." Brandon says.
"Can I ask you something?" Callie asks.
"You can ask, But I am not sure I can answer." Brandon says.
"Ok, was there something between us?" Callie asks.
"Now you know even if there was I couldn't answer that question, doctors orders." Brandon says with a frown.
"Damn it Brandon will you just give me one strait answer! Or are you planing on being a complete ass all your life." Callie says.
Brandon nods his head and then he walks out of her room.. He passes Jesus, who was standing just outside Callie's room and then he walks down the stairs and out of the house. Jesus follows him outside. Brandon hears him approach, then begins to talk.
"I know that she's hurting Jesus. I can see it in her eyes. What is worse is that I feel powerless to help her. I have no clue as to how to stop the pain. She's trying to act normal and figure this all out. Maybe to some it may seem normal. Every time I am close to her I see the pain, the questions, the confusion. I swear sometimes I even hear her eyes screaming, 'who am I? Who loves me'? I want to be the one who is there for her. I want to help her so bad that it hurts. Yet I don't know who is feeling the most pain! Who is suffering the most from all that is unsaid? Sometimes the temptation is there to just tell her that I love her. I know that she says things that she doesn't mean. I know that she can't help it. She says them before she can even process the thought. But it still hurts." Brandon says with tears in his eyes.
"Brandon I know you are hurting man I do. I also know she is as well. But you can't give up. I saw the way you two looked at each other. You two were so in love, it was scary. I mean it happened so fast. It was like love at first site. Stay the course Brandon, some how I know it will all work out." Jesus says.
"Jesus I don't know how much more of this I can take! She doesn't remember anything about 'us'. She doesn't remember how incredible the time we spent together was. And if that's not bad enough, I had to pick this up this morning." He pulls out a small box and hands it to Jesus who opens it. "I was waiting on the ring to be sized before I gave it to her. I know it is just a promise ring, but it is how much I love her." Brandon says.
"I can't even begin to understand how you feel." He then pulls Brandon into a hug. "But you just have to give it time, as hard as that seems." Jesus tells him.
"It's gotten to the point where I can't even act natural around her. I can't hold her hand, I'm even afraid to touch her. I'm trying to go back to friend mode and I'm failing. The one thing I've always been good at and I can't even pull that off." Brandon says.
Callie still hadn't heard from her boyfriend. And she knows that she doesn't even know who he is. She hopes that he hasn't had to suffer though this. Mariana had even gave her the chance to tell him that she was trying to remember and that although she didn't even know who he is right now that she loves him.
FLASHBACK
"Look I know that this isn't exactly the conventional thing to do, but I want to be able to give you both something. She wants to do this but you can't say anything to her. Okay." Mariana say into her phone
"Okay." Brandon says.
"Here. I'll leave you alone for a little while. You can say what ever you want to him, but he won't talk to you ok?" Mariana asks.
"Ok." Callie says.
"Hi, I know you can't talk so I am going to. I'm sorry that I can't say this to you in person. I'm sorry that I can't remember you. Most of all I'm sorry that I can't be there for you. We can't be there to help one another through this." She starts to cry. "I know that I don't remember how things where, but I'm pretty sure that I loved you. I suppose that somewhere deep down inside I know that I still love you. I'm trying so hard to remember everything, hell anything, and I'm terrified that I never will. I just thought that my telling you this would somehow make it easier on you. I don't know just let you hear my voice. To ask you not to give up on me, and us. I'm going to go get Mariana now, just in case you want to talk to her."
She puts the phone down and goes and gets Mariana . Mariana picks up the phone and Callie sits on the sofa with her arms wrapped around herself.
"Hey are you okay?" Mariana asks.
"I'll get there. Thank you. It really meant a lot to hear her say what she did. That deep down she loves me. Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure as long as it doesn't let her know who you are. What is it?" Mariana asks
"Can you tell her that I love her? Tell her that I think about her every second of every minute of every hour of every day?"
"Yeah. Callie?"
"Mmhm." Callie says turning to face Mariana.
"He says to tell you that he loves you, that he thinks about you every second of every minute of every hour of every day." Callie starts crying again.
"Tell her that I can't wait to hold her in my arms, to kiss her. To tell her how I feel to her face and have her know how much she means to me."
"He says that he can't wait to hold you in his arms, to kiss you. He wants to be able to tell you how he feels to your face and for you to know how much you mean to him."
"Tell her more than anything I just want to be with her."
"He says that more than anything he just wants to be with you."
"Thanks Mariana. I think that I really needed that. You have no idea how much this means to me to have her tell me that she knows that deep down she still loves me. I'll speak to you later."
"Bye." Mariana says.
End flashback
a couple of weeks later Brandon walks into his moms room to talk to her and Lena. They see the troubled look in his eyes. He knows this is going to be the hardest thing he had ever done.
"I came here to ask a favor of you two." Brandon says.
"What is it B?" Stef asks.
"I need you to let me leave for a little while. I have talked to a friend and he said I could crash with him for a while. I know you will be worried and I am sorry but I just can't stay here right now." Brandon says.
"No way. We're not going to let you leave!" Stef says.
"Hang on a minute Stef. Brandon why do you need to do this?" Lena asks.
"Because in two days it would have been two months of us being together. I know from the cool calm perspective of an adult that doesn't seem like a long time. Or that deep feelings could have developed. But this is my world my life and they did. Call it what ever you want to, but I love her. Seeing her ever day and not being able to hold her or touch her, well it is killing me. I just need a little break is all. And I need to be away from here for that day." Brandon says.
"Brandon we know you have deep feelings for her, but running away isn't the answer." Stef says.
"Right now it is the only option I have. That or see if I can't track down Liam and finish it with him once and for all." Brandon says.
"You will check in every day right?" Stef asks.
"Yes or warn you the day before if I am going to be out of a service area." Brandon says.
"Ok. But Brandon, you will have to face this eventually." Lena says.
"I know, I need another favor from you if you will." Brandon says.
"What?" Stef asks.
"I need you to look after something for me." He says as he hands Stef the ring box.
"What is it?" Stef asks
"It is a promise ring I bought for Callie, I was planing on giving it to her on our one month. But I don't want to leave it in my room. Just in case Callie somehow comes across it. Though I don't know how because she hasn't been in my room since before she was shot."
"Ok Brandon we will keep it safe for you." Stef says putting it in a little lock box and handing him a key.
"I'm not telling any one where I'm going. I really can't handle being here just now. And I don't want any one trying to find me."
"This is the reason that you should be here. You should be here with your friends and family." Lena says holding up the box.
"You of all people should have some idea as to why I'm going away. I can't be here just now. Not when we should have been celebrating, I can't."
"When Are you coming back?"
"Soon."
It had been two weeks since Brandon had moved onto the cabin boat in the Marina. It held memories as well, but he was learning to deal with them. He knew he was going to have to go back one day and face Callie, he just wasn't sure when.
Brandon wondered how she is. He hope she's coping with everything. I still don't get why this place was were he knew he needed to come, but it was helping. This is where a huge portion of our current relationship started. No one even knows where he is.
"Knock, knock." Callie says at Stef and Lena's door.
"Hey Callie, come on in. What did you need?" Stef says as she sits the ring box on the bed. She had been looking at it proud that her son was so thoughtful.
"Just to talk, I noticed Brandon hasn't been around lately." Callie says.
"Yeah he is staying with a friend for a little while." Stef says.
"Ok, it is not because of me is it?" Callie asks.
"No sweets he just needed some time to himself is all." Stef says.
"You planning something and not telling me?" Callie asks seeing the ring box.
"No. It's not mine. I'm just looking after it for a someone."
"May I?"
"Sure."
Stef walks into the bathroom to get something. Callie opens the box and immediately feels as though she has been transported back into some other time in her life. Suddenly she isn't sitting on Stef's bed. She is suddenly on a street down town looking at the ring through a window and she knows that she isn't alone. She doesn't see the person but she can feel someone's had on her hip. And just as quickly she finds herself back in Stef's room. She stands up.
"Stef I have to go." Callie says as she bolts out the door.
"What?"
She walks out of the bathroom but she's gone. Then she spots the ring box lying on the floor.
She had no idea what that was, or what just happened? Was that my ring? She need to get answers but didn't know where to get them. Who would give her answers? Brandon? But he was gone. Maybe his room would hold some answers.
As Callie entered Brandon's room she immediately sensed how empty the place felt. There was no Brandon and it looked as though the room hadn't been lived in for a while. It seemed strange now to think that this was the first time that she had been in this room since before the shooting.
As she looked around the room she saw many things that looked foreign, things that she hadn't seen in here before. Yet at the same time they seemed familiar to her, as though she had seen them in here before.
She was about to walk out the door when she saw his calendar. There was a big red circle around the 14th. That had been two weeks ago. What was supposed to happen on the 14th? She walked out of the room and as she reached the middle of the stairs she heard voices coming from the living room.
"I can't take this not know where he is Lena. Not knowing when he's coming back." Stef says.
"I know Stef but he said that he just needed sometime on his own." Lena tells her
"I know that he needs time but I want my son back. I want him to come home." Stef says.
"I'm sure he's okay. He calls every day so you know he is safe."
"What if he isn't? You've seen how he's gotten these past couple of months. And you know what Sunday should have been." Stef says.
"I do their two month anniversary." Lena says.
"I really don't like this." Stef says.
"He will come home soon Stef we just have to give him time," Lena says.
Sunday had been the 14th. Why was that so significant? And who's two month had it been? The questions were piling up fast and she was getting no answers.
"Mariana I have to ask you something and I really need you to answer it for me."
"I'll try."
"What was supposed to happen on Sunday? Why was it so important?"
"Callie I can't answer that." Mariana says.
"Please Mariana, I need to know what was supposed to happen. I need to know why it was affecting Brandon so much. He's gone away somewhere and hasn't told anyone." Callie asks stating to cry.
"I want to tell you, I really do. But you know that I can't." Mariana says.
Callie was growing tired of getting the run around when she asked about the things she couldn't remember. She just wanted them to tell her. She just wanted to remember. Had she suddenly become so self absorbed in her own situation that she had stopped caring about those around me?
If she could be like this with her friend, how have I been with other people? With Jesus, Jude or Mariana. She longed for her friend to come back. She wanted him there with her, she didn't know why but she did. She wanted to just wrap her arms around him and tell him she was sorry for how she'd treated him. Sorry for all the hurtful things that she had said to him.
Most of all she wanted to just be there for him, so that she could help him through whatever it was that he was going through. After all it would have been the least that she could do. She wondered if she kept a journal. If she did where would it be.
She was sitting in Brandon's room. It was a habit she had gotten into since he had been gone. She felt more at peace in here than any where else in the house. Not that she felt uncomfortable in the house, this room was like her safe haven.
Callie is looking through something's trying to find something. She didn't know what drew her to the bed. Or why for some reason she then moved the mattress slightly and there it was, her journal. She wandered how come it was in Brandon's room under his mattress.
She knew he had been gone for a week but it was like his bed hasn't been touched for months. She had to know where Brandon had gone. Why he wasn't here and why he had left.
"And why hasn't he slept in his bed for months?" She asks out loud as she walked out into the hallway to the the top of the stairs Suddenly from behind her.
"Because you can't remember that you two were together." Jesus tells her.
As she turned to face Jesus who had just exited his room, she lost her footing on the top step and suddenly she fell forward. She bounced down the stairs and landed in a heap at the bottom where Soon everything became dark.
Brandon opened the door and entered the cabin with a few bags of groceries and then struggled to close the door behind him. He then walked towards the kitchen, but a sent caught his attention. At first he couldn't quite place the smell but once he'd processed it, he knew.
He walked to the kitchen, put down the groceries and then headed for the door to the bedroom. As he stood in front of the door he listened carefully before he considered entering, not sure of what he would find. He opened the door and was surprised be what he saw.
There sleeping on his bed was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, Callie. He almost cried as he stood there. All the pain came rushing back to the forefront of his mind.
She was lying facing the door with no blanket on top of her. He just stood there watching her sleep for a few minutes or a few hours. He lost track of time standing there watching her.
Brandon began to think How would she know he would be here? No scrap that, how does she even know about this place? Some one must have mentioned it to her, or maybe they said that she could come here for some time to herself. God she looks to beautiful, so at peace.
He walked over to the chair by the closet, picked a blanket up off of it and walked over to the bed. He covered her with it gently trying not to wake her up. He then had this urge to kiss her, but knew that he couldn't. So he just knelt down beside the bed and kissed her gently on the forehead. His lips lingering for a second. As he moved his head away from hers, she stirred slightly.
"Hey." Callie says.
"Hey yourself." Brandon says.
"I'm sorry for all the hurtful things that I said to you." She tells him.
"I know that you didn't mean them." Brandon tells her.
"I'm still sorry."
"I know."
She sits up and he sits on the bed facing her. She reaches out and takes his hand in hers. He is stunned but keeps his hand in hers enjoying the contact.
"Where were you?" Callie asks.
"I had to go get some food." Brandon tells her.
He laughs and looks away. She puts her hand under his chin and turns his face towards her. He tries to not look her in the eye but she won't have any of it and makes him.
"I know that these past couple of months have been difficult for you."
"Not as difficult as they have been for you!" Brandon says.
"Maybe, maybe not." Callie says raising an eyebrow.
She then leans forward and kisses him on the lips. At first he doesn't respond, he seems surprised. Then he gives into the kiss and all thoughts are lost. As he starts to kiss her back it is a slow, soft, passionate kiss as her hand moves from his shoulder to caress his cheek. At her touch he melts, finally feeling what he had missed for so long. But the feeling fades as he realizes what he is doing. He stops kissing her and breaks away from the kiss.
"Callie?"
"I know everything Brandon. I remember." Callie says.
"You do?"
"Yes." She kisses him again. And again he is lost in her kisses, in her touch as that which he has craved for the past five months seems to come back to him. But before his mind becomes clouded he breaks away from the kiss again. "Brandon . . ."
"Callie how do I know that what just happened wasn't a result of you reading your journal or someone telling you everything? How do I know that you really remember?"
"I do remember everything. Although Lena may have hinted at a few things and Jesus did to when . . ." She trails off.
"When Jesus did what?"
"I went to see you about something and you weren't in your room. I heard your moms talking about how you had gone somewhere, without telling anyone where you were going. I started asking Lena why you would leave. Why would you do something like that? She wouldn't tell me.
So I changed my questioning method and started on her a few days later. She blurted out a few things that she shouldn't have, she hinted at us being together although at the time I didn't realize it. But I knew that your leaving was to do with the 14th.
That if I still kept a journal, well it'd be where I was living last. But it wasn't any where in mine and Mariana's room. To cut a long story short, I went to your room as I had gotten to the point where it was the one place I truly felt safe. I am not sure what did it but I found my journal when I was drawn to your bed. I didn't read it. Why? Because I wanted to know why you hadn't been sleeping in your own bed, cause if you had then you would have found it. As I reached the top of the stairs I voiced that question out loud. And suddenly Jesus is behind me saying that it's because I couldn't remember being with you before the shooting. Before you know it I fell down the stairs and I'm back in hospital. I woke up and I had remembered everything. And I still haven't read my journal." Callie tells him.
"You haven't?"
"No and at the moment Lena has it hidden away."
"Does she know that you're here?"
"She knows that I have come to find you. Here she gave me this and said to give it to you. Said you would know what it is." She says as she hands him the lock box. "So if I haven't read my journal how do I know about this place? Plus there are things about us that I haven't even written in my journal."
"What stuff?"
"You still want proof? Yeah ok, you're probably right to want it. Well for a start I know about the birth mark at the top of your thigh. How else would I know about that if I hadn't seen it? I also never wrote down what you said to me the night that you made love to me for the very first time, that night in your room. Oh I mentioned it happening, what girl wouldn't? I mentioned it happened on here to. But I never wrote that you had been wearing the navy blue shirt your mom had given you for your birthday. And I still remember word for word what you said to me."
She leans over to the cabinet drawer beside her and takes something out of it. She then puts it in Brandon's hand, closing his fingers around it, then closing her hands around his.
"You started by saying that you couldn't think of one way or word to define how you loved me. You told me that being with me made you feel so many things. That it made you think of me all the time. That being with me made you happy and excited and scared. You know at the time I had no idea why it scared you. I do now, boy do I ever know now. You see I figured out it scared you to think that you could ever lose me. I know your fears came true and you may have for a while but I'm here now. I'm still here. You also said that you could get lost in my eyes but at the same time you had found what you needed more than anything else in the world the only person that could ever complete you. You told me that you had never known love this strong orhow safe you would feel. You said loving someone in every way possible and that being with her made you stronger. That having me with you it meant that you didn't have to face everything alone. I wish that I could somehow change the past couple of months. I wish we could make them different. And I want to be with you so much. Brandon Foster."
"For as long as I can remember that's all I've wanted. And it's what I want more than ever now. I want to be with you too. I have something for you." He unlocks the lock box and pulls out the ring box. "This is something I got for you after you said you liked when we saw it in that window. I was planing on giving it to you on our one month, guess now is as good as ever. Callie this ring signifies my love for you and a promise for the future. It isn't an engagement ring but a promise ring. I was wondering if you would wear it?" He asks.
"I would love to Brandon." She says with tears in her eyes as she holds out her left ring finger for him to put it on.
"God I've missed you." He then leans forward and kisses her.