SO. Just a reminder that yes, I changed some stuff. Kakashi and Tenzou knowing each other before makes not a LICK of sense with the first few chapters of this fic (maybe even more then that, actually). But, going along that line inspired me to keep writing, so I did it anyway. At some point, I will definitely go back and try and rework things for people discovering this fic for the first time so they don't go "wtf..."
If you already have; sorry! :D Enjoy!
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The next time Tenzou woke up, he was embarrassed to see that it was dark out. Technically, he'd been ordered to sleep all day, but that didn't make it any less of a waste of time. He found himself in 'recovery mode' far too often in ANBU for his liking. And it never had ANYTHING to do with missions.
Sitting up, he yawned loudly and absently scratched the back of his head. His body felt great (if not slightly lethargic) but there was this...dull kind of muted pain settling in the back of his chest that he assumed was his heart licking its wounds and attempting to mend itself. With a loud, full body sigh, he sincerely hoped he wouldn't have to put up with this shitty emotional drama for much longer.
"Tenzou."
He nearly spun right off the bed, he flipped around so quickly. How the hell Tenzou hadn't noticed that Kakashi was sitting on the bed across from him was beyond comprehension. The room was dark, so it was hard to see his expression, but Tenzou could tell he was cowed by the slouch of his shoulders and the lack of strength in his voice. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Kakashi continued speaking.
"How are you feeling?"
"My head is fine." he answered simply. Kakashi nodded slowly, obviously taking the hint that Tenzou was otherwise not OK. He seemed to take a slow, deep breath before he went on.
"I didn't mean for things to happen this way. Our conversation...it wasn't supposed to be that...harsh."
Tenzou felt his lethargy dissipate instantly, and once again, anger replaced it.
"Wait. You had been planning to break up with me?"
Tenzou was pretty sure he saw Kakashi wince in the darkness.
"Ah...I wouldn't...say that. I hadn't decided what I wanted to do. I didn't know what was really best, but I guess with the way things were going, it kind of just came out."
So, now the question was what was more infuriating; being dumped on a complete whim, or knowing your significant other had been ignoring you for a week because he'd planned on dumping you.
Tricky, it was.
"Kakashi..." Tenzou breathed, his vision slowly going red again. "I honestly...I just don't know what to say."
There was a moment of loaded, horrible silence, where Kakashi basically scrambled to salvage the conversation and Tenzou tried his best not to attack Kakashi with a kunai.
"I meant it when I said that this didn't change how I felt. I'm not doing this because I don't want you; I'm doing this because I know it's best for you."
"How the HELL can you possibly know that!?" Tenzou shrieked, leaping off of the bed in one smooth, lightning fast movement. Kakashi was stone still where he sat, despite the intense waves of pure fury emanating from his ex-partner.
"You can't just run whenever things get tough! Yes, the situation with Sand is scary, because who knows whats going to happen. But, you do realize that there are MARRIED shinobi who fight side by side during wars, right? There are couples in ANBU, aren't there? Do they break up every time they have to go on a serious mission? I doubt it!"
"There is one couple in ANBU, yes, and they're both completely insane. They aren't allowed to go on missions together because one of them threw another shinobi off a cliff because he thought he was looking at his girlfriend the wrong way."
Okay.
Bad example.
"Fine. Forget ANBU. But, what about your sensei, the Fourth Hokage? His wife was a ninja, wasn't she?"
"...Yes."
"Well, from the little I know about them, they stayed together through a war, didn't they? You witnessed their relationship first hand, and yet you think we won't be able to do it?"
Kakashi sighed lightly. "You can't compare me to Minato-sensei. I'm nothing like him."
Tenzou's eye twitched violently.
"So. There it is. This isn't about us, and what's best; its about YOU."
Silence echoed between them as Kakashi struggled to try and deny Tenzou's words, but realized he couldn't. Not entirely, anyway.
"Kakashi. Don't run from me, please..."
It hadn't been Tenzou's plan to sound so damn small and hurt, but that's exactly how it came out. Instantly, Kakashi was up, as if the bed had turned red hot and burned him. He looked like he was holding himself back from rushing to Tenzou, his fists clenched tightly at his sides.
"Tenzou. Please try to understand." he finally whispered, flicking his eyes back up to Tenzou's for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. "Everything is going to be different. We probably wont even be a team anymore; we'll be assigned missions based on our skill sets, not by squad. We could be apart for weeks, months. That is not the right environment to build a relationship in. Being distracted on a mission because you haven't seen your partner in weeks could mean death. I just want you to take care of yourself first."
"Build a relationship..." Tenzou snorted bitterly. "You say that, but we've already built one, haven't we? You just happen to be the only one of us with the luxury of remembering it."
"There was nothing I could do about that." Kakashi responded, his tight tone showing how affected he was. "Do you think it was easy to know that you'd forgotten me, after everything we'd been through together?"
Tenzou was slightly taken aback, as he had not really considered it. However, his point still stood.
"If we did it then, why can't we do it now?" Tenzou asked, dread at the hopelessness of the situation slowly bearing down on him. "We've been going on missions together for a while, and we've been nothing but professional. I don't understand why you think it's going to be any different now."
Their gazes locked, and from the moonlight, Tenzou could see the emotion glittering in Kakashi's eyes. If he didn't know better, he'd think Kakashi was trying to keep himself from crying as much as Tenzou was.
"We almost didn't, Tenzou. You were ordered to kill me, and you tried to obey."
Tenzou reeled back so far he almost tripped on the side of his bed.
"Wh...what?"
Instantly, Kakashi rushed up to him. "You didn't want to, but you knew nothing else. Root was all you knew, and Danzo was the first person to show you any kind of regard. I didn't tell you that to make you feel guilty, I only mentioned it because that is the nature of being a shinobi; you honestly never know what you're going to have to do. War is especially like that."
Tenzou had no words, he merely gawked at Kakashi in absolute horror. The copy-nin looked like he was definitely regretting spilling that little bit of information.
"Do...you resent me?"
"NO." Kakashi answered so quickly Tenzou jumped slightly. "No, Tenzou. I know what you went through, because at one point in my life, I was like that. All I knew was the rules and the mission. I never deviated from it, and because of that, I lost one of my closest friends. I didn't want that to be you. And thankfully, it wasn't."
A sharp pain crackled through his temples, and Tenzou worried that he was going to be bombarded with images again. However, Hiruzen revealing his past seemed to have worked, because all he got were a few quick flashes of moments that struggled to resurface. He could picture Kakashi above him, pinning him to the ground, with a charged chidori poised above his head. He, very briefly, felt the pain of his own struggles with himself. He remembered Danzo's emotionless face as he assigned him his mission to retrieve Kakashi's sharingan.
"Tenzou...are you alright?" Kakashi asked quietly. After a slight pause, Tenzou nodded, rubbing at his sore eyes with his fingers.
"Ah...yah. It wasn't that bad this time. I just saw...a few things."
In that moment, Tenzou realized how close they were. He must have stumbled again, because Kakashi was holding him to his chest tightly. Their faces were so close, and the air was so thick. It was blatantly obvious that Kakashi cared about Tenzou as much as he said he did, which made the situation even worse then it already was. His heart felt like it was going to burst, there was such a cacophony of emotions ripping through him. He could smell Kakashi, could feel the warmth radiating from his skin, and it killed him because he realized how horribly he'd missed him and how badly he wanted him.
"I don't want this." he choked. "Kakashi, please..." and then all he knew was Kakashi's lips, and his mind completely switched off.
He had to break their kiss for just a second to breathe, the act of kissing Kakashi was like a punch to his chest. But with a load moan, he was lost in him again, and they were kissing and pulling at each others clothing. Kakashi pinned Tenzou to the wall and pressed their bodies together, Tenzou's legs instinctively wrapping around his waist. A small dresser beside them crashed to the ground, yet neither one of them noticed. Tenzou felt himself lifted by his chest armour, and then he was being twisted around and tossed violently to the side. He landed on the bed and bounced once before Kakashi was on top of him, and he could not stop the whimper that escaped his lips at how amazing it felt to feel his Senpai around him.
They kissed again, long, fast and deep. Tenzou felt cold fingers under his clothes, scraping his skin, and he shivered with delight and ground his hips into Kakashi's. He felt a low moan rumble against his lips and thought he would come before they even did anything, he felt so good. Whenever he was with Kakashi, he felt complete.
Those hands travelled down his body and peeled back the band of his pants before they suddenly completely stopped. He was going ask what the hold up was, but he felt Kakashi peel their lips apart just long enough to speak.
"This is wrong." he whispered, his voice ragged from emotion and arousal.
"Nothing we do is wrong." Tenzou answered vehemently, his mind absolutely reeling at the idea of their intimacy coming to an end when he needed Kakashi so badly.
There was a strained moment of silence before Kakashi continued.
"This...would be the last time..." he whispered, and when Tenzou jerked his head back to look up at him, he saw such pain in his eyes that he knew he was being serious.
He lost control. Kakashi stopping them from having sex was the most finalizing thing he could have done. With a strangled cry, tears spilled over his cheeks, and he ground his face into Kakashi's chest to hide them. He felt arms encircle his body, a hand press tightly against his head, and he cried and cried through gritted teeth and clenched fists. It was all happening so fast; one moment they were happy and the next it was over. What was the point of making love when they'd never do it again? He couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle having him knowing it was the last time.
He didn't know how long he cried against Kakashi, but it must have been quite some time, because by the time his tears stopped flowing his back and arms were cramping. Kakashi had not moved a muscle, just held Tenzou so tightly his back was starting to dampen from the contact. He was in too much pain to be embarrassed, or frustrated that he had gone back on his word of not giving Kakashi a single tear. He never wanted to leave his embrace, because he knew that when he did, he would never go back to it. He still didn't understand why Kakashi was so adamant about ending things, but he knew that he would never change his mind. It killed him.
Finally, when he felt empty, hollow and dry, his arms flopped to his sides and he just hung limply in Kakashi's arms. He listened to their combined breathing for a while, soaking up Kakashi's warmth, memorizing how his muscles felt.
"I hate you." he whispered.
When Kakashi answered, his voice was so hollow and full of regret that Tenzou believed his words.
"I hate me, too."
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Kakashi left Tenzou shrouded in a thick, heavy, almost dooming silence. He slowly unwrapped his arms from around his ex-lover, pressed a light kiss to his forehead and left. The only sound he made on his exit was the door clicking closed behind him.
Tenzou lay in bed in a sort of self-pitying comatose state for the rest of the night. He knew that as a shinobi, and an ANBU shinobi at that, that he had to shake off his sadness and continue with his training and missions without skipping a beat. How he was supposed to do that was entirely unknown to him. He could barely muster up the energy to take a piss, and he'd been holding it for at least two hours. His bladder urged him to get over it, but his heart and very soul would not cooperate with his basic needs.
He supposed he hadn't realized how hard he had fallen in love with Kakashi until he'd lost him. Maybe Kakashi hadn't realized how much he loved Tenzou until he let him go as well. If they'd had more time together, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe Kakashi would have found it impossible to let go, and would have braved out whatever it was he was scared would happen. Deep down, though, Tenzou knew that wasn't true. Genma's words rang through his head like silver on crystal; Tenzou had a special place in Kakashi's heart, and a few more months of dating wouldn't have made that place anymore special then it already was. He was fully aware of his feelings, and went against them anyway.
No matter. He had lived without love once, he could do it again.
Besides, he still had his friends.
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Genma was making himself a MAD bowl of noodle soup when Kakashi entered the kitchen. He would have taunted his friend for being a complete fucking idiot, but the second he looked up into his face, all words died on his lips. He had a very bad feeling about why Kakashi looked like he'd just witnessed the violent death of a loved one, and he was not looking forward to the resulting conversation.
"Uh...hey bud." Gemnma greeted with obvious hesitation.
"I have a favour to ask." Kakashi stated simply. His tone matched his eyes, and Genma winced.
"Sure, what's up?"
"Switch rooms with me."
Ah, fuck.
Genma gave Kakashi a pointed, unimpressed glare and dropped his utensils to put his hands on his hips in haughty frustration.
"Are you serious, bro?"
Kakashi matched his glare. "Just do it."
With a loud sigh, Genma rubbed at his temples. "Kakashi. Dude. Brother. This is a really bad idea. Please completely rethink absolutely everything that's happening right now."
"I didn't come down here to discuss this with you. Are you going to switch or not?"
Genma shot Kakashi a deadpan look at the attitude he was being addressed with. So he was ruining his life and being a bitch about it? Right.
"No. No, I'm not. I will have no part in you making the biggest fucking mistake ever. Sorry, dude. Tough love and shit."
Without even dignifying Genma with a response, Kakashi merely turned around and began to walk out of the kitchen. Practically screaming his sigh, Genma stomped after him and grabbed his shoulder, turning him around.
"Alright, listen. I let you mope by yourself for years without saying anything, but I'm gonna say something now. This is completely unnecessary. You FINALLY found companionship and your throwing it away. Do you LIKE being alone? Would you rather be in pain than happy?"
Kakashi stepped forward and levelled Genma with such a heated glare that thinking back on it, Genma considered it a point of pride in his life that he didn't run away.
"What would you know about my pain, Genma? You know what war is like. You know exactly what happens. Don't try and point fingers at me when you know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it."
It took Genma a few seconds to recover from the Rage Waves Kakashi was smashing him with, but when he did, it was worth it.
"So. Is it going to feel any better if Tenzou dies because you guys aren't together? Maybe you'll be lucky enough not to know about it until years later, is that it? Out of sight, out of mind?"
Kakashi visibly recoiled, but he collected himself in record time. His eyes narrowed even further, if that was possible. "This is not just about death. This is about making bad decisions that could lead to death. I want him to worry about himself, not me. I want him to focus on what he's doing. I want him to make decisions that are best for the village, and his own interests. This is about protecting Tenzou, not me. I have no intentions of ever forgetting about him."
For a long, intense moment, the two just stared at each other. Genma knew what Kakashi was saying, and that he truly believed his decision was for the best. But Genma could not believe it; both Tenzou and Kakashi were incredibly talented shinobi. If there was one couple on earth who had a chance of making it through a war unscathed, it was them.
"You're not giving either of you enough credit, Kakashi." Genma finally said.
"It's better than the alternative. Are you switching with me or not?"
A light sigh before Genma dropped his head. "Fine."
"Thank you." Kakashi answered, and it was so genuine that Genma had to do a double take to make sure he heard correctly. But Kakashi was gone as soon as he'd said it, and Genma was alone again in the kitchen.
"Idiot." he whispered to the air.
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A light knock on the door pulled Tenzou out of his half-sleep funk. He considered pretending to be asleep, but realized he didn't want to be alone with his thoughts anymore. It obviously wasn't Kakashi; he wouldn't bother knocking.
"Come in."
The door slowly opened and Gai slipped through. He closed it quietly, and softly padded his way over to the bed opposite Tenzou's. Settling down on it, he watched his friend for a moment before he spoke.
"I'm sorry about what's happened."
Tenzou laughed, a little bitterly, and sat up in bed to face Gai. "Word gets around fast."
"Kakashi approached Genma about switching rooms, and Genma came to me about it after."
A sharp stab of pain in his heart accompanied Gai's statement. Kakashi was really serious about this.
"Ah..."
Gai sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Kakashi is a broken soul, but he is not cruel. He really is doing what he thinks is best for you, my friend."
Tenzou believed that as well, but he didn't have the heart to admit it out loud.
"I'd rather be with him. I can handle anything else."
"I know." Gai murmured. "But Kakashi is determined to make that decision for you."
Tenzou lowered his head into his bent knees and tried not to cry with frustration. He just had to accept the situation, it was the only way to prevent utter madness.
"Can we go out for dinner or something?"
Gai seemed to perk up at that. "Ah, yes, of course! I know just the place with such fine food it will put a smile on your face, or I shall run 1000 laps around the village while knitting a sweater!"
Tenzou blinked.
"Uh...that sounds great."
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Gai had not been exaggerating about the quality of food at the restaurant he picked. Despite the fact that Genma had already made dinner, he was more than happy to accompany them. Within minutes of arriving, their friendly banter commenced, and Tenzou instantly felt better. He made it quite clear he had no intentions of discussing what happened with Kakashi, so no one brought it up. Instead, they enjoyed some quiet time together with good food and a little sake. By the time they left, Tenzou's spirits were lifted, his belly was full, and he was slightly buzzing from the alcohol.
When they got back, he and Genma arrived at their now shared room to find Kakashi's stuff already gone. Tenzou instantly felt his throat constrict with emotion, but Genma was quick to respond. He laughed, ruffled Tenzou's hair, and told him not to worry because they were going to have a blast together as roommates.
"I was getting sick of Gai's crazy ass snoring, anyway. TRUST me Tenzou, Kakashi having to deal with that is punishment enough. UGH."
Gai had gone to his room to check up on Kakashi, as he was worried about what kind of funk he was putting himself in. Tenzou found himself wondering that, too. As mad as he was, as sad as he was, and as disappointed as he was, he could tell this was hard on Kakashi as well. Their relationship was going to be rough for the unforeseeable future, and that really made Tenzou sad. He would miss his friendship with his captain. As it currently stood, being near Kakashi only caused him pain. He needed time to heal before they could resume their friendship the way it had once been. If that could ever happen.
He also wondered how long his well-wishing feelings toward Kakashi would last before he got angry again. Probably after his buzz had faded.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The next day, it was business as usual for the ANBU team. They got their first mission, and it was a lot simpler than they had expected. All they had to do was steal a scroll. It was obviously an important scroll, but the whole 'impending war' thing had been so hyped up that they were expecting to be shoved into a Sand army and sent out to fight Stone nin. A mission they were used to was welcome.
Things between Kakashi and Tenzou were understandably tense. It hurt Tenzou to be near him, especially if they got too physically close. All he wanted to do was touch him, but he couldn't. It reminded him of the beginning of their (second) relationship, where Kakashi would tease him from afar, and he'd have to pine after him with very little satisfaction. It was worse now, though, that he knew what he was missing.
Thankfully, the mission was slated for the next day, so he had very little time to mourn the loss of Kakashi Contact before he had way bigger things on his mind.
The mission was a straight forward and simple task for a team like theirs with so much talent. They returned in a day and had a mission waiting for them right then they got back. To their shock, the mission was only for Tenzou. He couldn't believe he already had a solo mission; those were usually reserved for high ranking and high trusted ANBU like Kakashi.
"Wowww, check it out, rock star! People are staring to notice you already." Genma sang. "I give you like...two months before they make you captain."
Tenzou balked. "Two months? What are you on?"
"Haha, come on man, you're hella skilled. The mokuton is out of this world, and you wield it like a little mini Hashirama."
Blushing furiously, Tenzou glanced at the floor. Comparing him to the First Hokage was just...wrong. He was nothing like him.
Genma laughed again and left the room to shower, Gai in tow. Tenzou didn't realize he was alone with Kakashi until his captain was standing beside him. He glanced up, tense, still unsure of how to act. Kakashi smiled at him affectionately.
"Congratulations."
"...Ah...I don't know if it's that big of a deal."
"Of course it is. It means Hiruzen trusts you."
Tenzou blinked, glancing down at the mission scroll in his hand. Kakashi gently took it from his slack fingers and unrolled it smoothly.
"Hmm. It's mainly stealth, which is not surprising. Your tracking skills with the mokuton are excellent. If you're going to the Shaishu district, be sure not to take the main road. Stone shinobi will be there for sure."
Tenzou nodded lightly. "Thanks."
Kakashi silently read over the scroll, and Tenzou tried not to pay attention to how close they were standing. His captain rolled the scroll back up and handed it to him with another soft smile.
"Be careful, Tenzou."
A mixture of pain and warmth flooded his body. Any good feelings associated with Kakashi always came with pain the last two days.
"I'm always careful." he responded, then turned and walked out of the room without looking back.
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His team saw him off on his first solo mission in ANBU with pats on the back and assurances that they would piss on his grave if he dared to die. He laughed them off, assured his friends he'd be fine, and left without further ado. He could not tell how Kakashi was feeling, as his usual bored expression was firmly in place, but he supposed he was feeling good about being right that they'd be separated sooner rather than later.
Whatever.
The mission was long, lonely and tiring. Tenzou found that being away from the source of his drama did not make it any less painful. He was busy on his mission as it required being constantly on high alert, but that didn't stop the general dull ache that surrounded his heart from persisting. He found himself wondering if it would go away if someone stabbed him in the heart with a sharp object. He had to remind himself to stop thinking that depressing shit or he was going to have his grave pissed on on a regular basis, and duly deserved at that.
He also couldn't help but wonder if Kakashi was in pain, too. Or, if he was already over it. That thought just caused more pain, so he forced himself not to think about it.
After he'd assassinated the spies he'd been sent to find, he headed back to the village with some precious, stolen information and a little glow of pride for a job well done. At least he had that.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
After he'd filed a VERY lengthy mission report, he returned to his room to be assaulted by a highly energetic Genma.
"BUDDY! Yes, not a single scratch. You freakin' champ. I knew it."
"Haha! Well, I did cut my ankle on a twig, of all things, so I've mislead you on that front."
The door came crashing off of its hinges, and Gai stood in the glow of the doorway, his face contorted into what had to be joy.
"MY FRIEND!" he bellowed, and zoomed over to Tenzou, scooping him up into his arms and crushing him into the most painful hug he'd ever experienced.
"...U...ughh...G...Gai..."
"I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU SAFE! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"
"...T...thanks...please...please stop..."
Amid the blood that was filling his vision as veins all over his body exploded, Tenzou could see Kakashi leaning against the door frame in the hallway. He had a soft smile on his face, and his eyes glowed with warm pride. Tenzou could not appreciate the sentiment, as he imagined what it would be like to celebrate with Kakashi if they'd still been together. He felt a horrible, deep longing in his abdomen, and from the way Kakashi's expression changed, it must have been evident on his face.
Finally, Gai released him, so he schooled his features as he turned back to his friends.
"Let's go have a drink to celebrate you coming back with all your limbs!" Genma crowed, pumping a fist into the air. Gai chimed in with his own cheer, and laughing, Tenzou agreed. He turned to the door way to see if Kakashi was still there, but the spot he'd vacated was empty.
His captain left on a mission the next day, and he didn't see him again for another week.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Tenzou went on two more solo missions in the time it took Kakashi to come back from his. Apparently, with just three missions under his belt, Tenzou already had quite the reputation around ANBU. His mission success, including the time with his friends, was 100%. Apparently that was really impressive.
People would wave to him in the hall, pat him on the back, or even ask him for advice. He was not used to so much attention from so many people, so he found himself hesitant to walk the halls when he knew they'd be populated. His friends, naturally, made fun of him constantly. Genma said him and Kakashi really were perfect together because neither of them knew how to take a compliment or respond to healthy admiration.
"I just don't think there's anything special about me. It's only been three missions."
"Dude, solo missions are not easy, and they're all S class. If you sent a regular jounin in to do that shit, they'd probably end up dead. Why the hell do you think everyone always rides Kakashi's dick? The guy chews up solo missions like they're D rank."
Tenzou could not believe Genma's choice of words, but it had been such a long time since he'd spent time around his captain that the pain had almost completely dissipated. He found himself genuinely missing Kakashi instead, and would happily take awkwardness if it meant spending time with him.
He got his wish a day later. Kakashi returned, haggard, tired and worn, from his week long mission. If anyone could handle an extended solo mission, it was the King of Cold himself, but even Kakashi seemed to have his limits. Tenzou ran into him in the hallway and it looked like Kakashi nearly wept at seeing his beloved kouhai in the flesh and right in front of him.
"Ah...Tenzou. Hi." he breathed, his expression so adorably pathetic that Tenzou could feel nothing but affection for him.
"Hello, Kakashi-senpai. You look terrible."
"I have minor chakra exhaustion." he explained in his usual dead pan. "I feel terrible."
"Why aren't you in the hospital..."
"Maa...I was. I got discharged. All I can do is rest."
"Ah." he answered, and despite their not so pleasant recent past, all he could do was smile. "Why don't you go to your room, I'll get you some water."
Kakashi instantly perked up, and you could practically see a warm halo of light engulf his chest at Tenzou's friendly attitude towards him. It made the mokuton user feel terrible, because it was apparent from this moment that Kakashi was eagerly awaiting the time when Tenzou would at least partially forgive him for abruptly ending their relationship.
"Okay." he answered, then shuffled into his room with a slight slouch in place.
On the way to fetch Kakashi refreshments, all Tenzou had to do was remember the weeks of emotional pain he'd suffered to not REALLY feel so sorry for Kakashi after all.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
When he returned with water and some ration crackers, Kakashi was sitting up on his bed, his back against the wall, looking like he was seconds from passing out. Tenzou chuckled to himself and placed his cargo on the bedside table beside the copy-nin.
"You look like death, so I'll leave you to it." he mused.
"No..." Kakashi whispered, craning his head around to gaze at Tenzou. "Don't leave."
Tenzou, slightly relieved, slid down on the bed next to Kakashi. They sat there, silent, for a minute or so. It wasn't a tense silence; it was clear they were merely soaking in each others company. It had really been a long time since they'd been together, considering they'd hardly been apart until then.
"I'm guessing you ran into a lot of trouble on your mission?" Tenzou murmured without facing his captain.
"Mmm. I was following a convoy filled with supplies that was heading to Sand. You can imagine how many Stone-nin wanted to waylay it."
Tenzou winced. Yikes. That was a rough mission.
"A week seems like a long time; it's a two day run to Sand, isn't it?"
"Yes. But we stopped at a couple of villages to pick up supplies, so I had to guard them." Kakashi kind of...slid down the wall a bit so his head could flop over and face Tenzou. He clearly was on his last rungs of energy, and it made Tenzou happy that Kakashi wanted to spend them with him. "What about you?"
"I had two solo's. They weren't too bad. It seems I'm the popular choice for taking out spies, because two of my missions have revolved around that. The third was recon."
"Hmm." Kakashi's eyebrows were raised high. "You're moving up fast."
Tenzou blinked. "Huh?"
"Those are high level missions for one shinobi. Hiruzen likes you."
Tenzou blushed furiously. Despite the fact that his teammates had been telling him that all week, no one he knew was closer to Hiruzen than Kakashi. If he said it, it was true.
"Uh...well...I really don't know why..." he stammered, looking down at his hands like they were the most fascinating things on the planet.
Kakashi merely smiled in response. "He has good taste."
Tenzou didn't know how to respond to that, so he kept staring at his hands. Kakashi wiggled his way closer to Tenzou, his shoulders plopping down onto the brunettes with little to no control.
"I'm happy we're talking right now, Tenzou. I don't know how you're feeling, and that's fine, but I want to be here for you in any way that you'll let me."
A sharp intake of breath greeted Kakashi. Tenzou felt himself choking up, and valiantly forced his emotions under control.
"I...I've started to really miss you." he admitted, not daring to meet Kakashi's gaze. "I don't want us to grow apart, but I..." he felt his throat constrict, unsure of how to continue. "It's just ...hard..."
There was a long moment of silence, where Tenzou, brow furrowed, stared at the ground and Kakashi stared at him. When Tenzou finally turned to look at Kakashi, his captain looked somewhat determined. He tried to turn and face him with his body, but ended up flopping down into Tenzou's lap instead. Tenzou burst out laughing, because seeing Kakashi so powerless was hilarious.
"You're mocking a cripple." he pouted.
"You're hardly a cripple." Tenzou retorted, smiling despite himself.
Silence returned, and Kakashi gazed deep into Tenzou's eyes before he spoke, not a single waver in his voice.
"I love you, Tenzou."
Tenzou smacked his head against the wall he reeled back so hard. Jaw slack, he stared at Kakashi in complete shock. Kakashi stared back, his gaze resolute.
"I realized, during a particularly trying point in my mission, that if I died you would never know how I felt. Maybe you do know, but you deserve to hear it from me. You deserve a lot more then that, really, but it's all I can give. Please take it."
Tenzou absolutely could not stop the tears this time. It seemed he was crying a lot these days, much to the detriment of his manliness. Before he could cover his eyes, two large drops landed on Kakashi's cheeks. Tenzou stuffed his face into his hands, and Kakashi made no move to wipe the liquid away. They stayed like that, with Tenzou silently crying, his shoulders shaking, and Kakashi watching him without looking away once, hardly even blinking. Minutes went by until Tenzou felt he was ready to face Kakashi again, and slowly, he dropped his hands.
"I also want you to know..." Kakashi continued. "That if you're alone, maybe in a tree, or a twig...or on a roof...you know. Places. That there is someone out there who would die for you a hundred times over. I don't know if that will bring you any kind of comfort, but there it is. Maybe, at that point, I'll be dead. But, even dead, I'll still love you. I can't possibly love another person like this again in my life. I can barely hug Gai, and he's my best living friend. The idea of being attached, heart and soul, to another romantic partner just makes me cackle. It's completely impossible."
Tenzou had lost all control half way through Kakashi's completely uncharacteristically long, soul bearing speech. The copy-nin's face was covered in Tenzou's tears, because the other man could not bare to look away. What he was feeling was utterly indescribable. He ached for himself, he ached for their apparently doomed relationship, and he ached horribly for Kakashi. Why he was doing this to himself still floored Tenzou, but Kakashi felt the same way about him that he did for Kakashi. He wanted to find it comforting, and maybe some day he would, but right now it was just tragic and he ached.
"Ka...kakashi..." he sobbed, falling forward and pressing his forehead into the older man's heart, his tears staining his chest armour. "I feel like...you're my breath. I...love you, too. Please don't do this to yourself...it's killing me..."
Kakashi gently combed his fingers through Tenzou's hair, oddly calm despite the intensity of the moment they were sharing. "Don't worry about me, kouhai. I've come to terms with my decision. I refuse to have another regret in my life, and as long as you live, as long as you go on, I won't regret anything."
"After...this 'war', or whatever it is...when we both make it through, because we will...Kakashi..."
"Don't hold onto that. Just live for yourself."
"I've lived for myself for long enough." Tenzou hissed, but Kakashi merely chuckled in response.
"I know...but it's more important now than ever. Trust me."
Tenzou was starting to get frustrated, but he knew better then to try and argue. Kakashi had bared his soul in an attempt to comfort Tenzou, not get him riled up. Thinking of this, he calmed himself. He allowed himself to be close to Kakashi.
He felt the gentle, rhythmic rise and fall of Kakashi's chest and knew the exhausted ninja was falling asleep. He felt his own eyes grow heavy, and before he knew it, he was slumbering against his senpai, curled up against him, like nothing had changed.
Kakashi awoke briefly in the middle of the night, cradled by warmth, gazing down at the face he adored. Before slipping back into unconsciousness, one thought ricochet through his mind like a boomerang.
Fuck, this feels so right. I'm screwed.
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SORRY I'M NOT SORRY!
But I'm sorry :D