I am posting this a day early for two reviewers…

Wierdalien- because he helped me with my UK words :)

And

Daughter of The Full Moon- because she was so excited to read another chapter that I couldn't resist…

I think I died a bit inside when I wrote this one.

I certainly made myself cry.

Chapter Five

Reality of Goodbye

He stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up, obviously trying not to look at the actual stairs, "I will find the stuff down here that we can get."

"Sirius." Remus said gently.

"No, you don't get it, you didn't go up there last time. I cannot do it again. Be glad I am even in the sodding town, let alone the house." He said harshly.

"I do, I do get it. I lost them too you know." Remus replied, irritation evident in his tone.

"You don't. Do you know where at on those steps Jamie was lying? Do you know where I put him in the garden? Do you know how he felt in my arms? How his body was still all warm? How about how it felt when I thought I was going crazy and heard a dead baby crying? I left him in that cot for at least twenty minutes while I tried to ignore it. You don't know." Sirius spat.

Remus wiped his hand down his face. "Fine, you are right, I don't know any of that, I am sorry that you do, but, I can't do this alone."

"Well then, we are leaving everything up there, up there. I am not going there, I can't. I can't look at it again. You have to understand, I can't see it all again." He said, staring at the place where he could still almost see James lying. The very last place he had been alive.

Remus looked towards the top of the stairs, he was halfway there but knew he couldn't see the wreckage of the nursery alone, he wasn't strong enough, and Sirius wasn't strong enough to see it again. He watched as Sirius turned his back to the steps and walked away into the bottom level of the house and he followed.

"There are pictures in the sitting room that aren't damaged at all. If we clean them up we can put them up for him for later." Sirius called from the room.

Remus entered behind him. "You should put that one in his room." He said, in a stiff voice, pointing to the picture that Sirius was staring at on the mantle.

His hand shook as he lifted it. "I-I don't know, wouldn't it be hard for him to see it, I mean, it is hard for me to see it." He said, his voice shaking as bad as his hand.

"Do you want him to know about them?"

Sirius jerked his head towards his friend, a scowl in place. 'Of course I want him to know about them."

"Then what is the point in hiding it? If we are going to tell him about them, than we should pick a few out and sit them around your house. Like that one." He said, pointing to one on the wall.

"He is in that one." Sirius scowled, seeing the smaller boy standing to the side of the frame.

"Well, take it and put it up. You can see how happy we all were in it. He should know that we were that happy at one time."

"Of course we were happy, we were only fifteen." Sirius said, pulling the photo frame from its place on the wall.

"Here, this is a good one for the sitting room." Remus said, holding out a gilded frame.

Sirius shook his dark waves from his eyes, trying not to let the tears overflow as he looked at the picture. It had been taken at the zoo when they bought Godric. He remembered the muggle that took the shot for them. Remus was ruffling James' ever untidy hair as Sirius pointed to the very real lion behind them, Harry in his arms. Lily was laughing happily as James turned to roar back at the lion, making Harry cry and Sirius look alarmed. He didn't even try to stop his laugh as he looked at the moving image. Peter hadn't gone with them that day, he had claimed to have other plans.

"We can put that one up." He said, clearing his throat to cover the quaiver in his voice.

"This is hard." Remus said, stating the obvious as he ran his hands down his face and pushed his sandy blonde hair from his forehead. Sirius grunted in reply.

They continued on taking all of the pictures and picking a few specific ones to sit throughout the house. Sirius found one in James' downstairs study, his tears found their way from his eyes when he saw it. It was from James' bachelor party. It was of the two of them, before they were too wasted to take a decent picture. Their arms were flung around each other and they were both laughing at something the other had said.

He stared at the pair of them for a long time, he gripped the frame so tightly that the frame cracked. He couldn't take it, this was something that he just couldn't do, not now, he just couldn't do it. He felt the tears wash over his cheeks as he stormed from the room. Remus looked up at the sound of the door closing.

"I can't do this." He said bluntly.

"Sirius."

"No, no, I can not do this, I will not do it, not now." He said, the tone of finality so thick that Remus just stared at him sadly.

"We have to do this, for Harry. It isn't about us."

Sirius brandished the picture of he and James in his hand, "This, this is completely about us. This was my life too, our life. This IS about us and I can't do it, I can't say goodbye not now."

"Siri." Remus started to plead.

"NO! This is about me, this is my life, I can't do it. Not like this. You don't get it. You weren't here. And you said goodbye, you were at their services, remember? The ones that you planned and you held without me ever being there? You buried them before I even got out of holding Remus, you have dealt with it, I can't do it, not like this." Sirius blew up.

Remus' face twisted. "Sirius, they had to be buried, I thought-I thought, I didn't know." He tried to justify.

"If you would have listened you would have known. But you didn't. Bloody fucking hell Remus you buried them without me, you buried him without me. My best mate, practically my brother. You buried James without me. You didn't even let me, you didn't even give me the chance. I WAS THE ONE THAT CARRIED HIM FROM HERE! I WAS THE ONE THAT HELD HIM! I WAS THE ONE THAT WIPED THE LEFT OVER TEARS OFF HER FACE! HOW DARE YOU!" he screamed, he had completely lost control, something they had both known was coming soon.

"Siri, please."

"Do not call me that. DO NOT USE HIS NAME. Don't call me that ever, EVER again." He turned for the door before Remus put a restraining hand on his shoulder, he jerked away from him.

"Take the box for the house. For Harry, just take it." He held out the box that held about 8 pictures, Sirius threw the picture in that was still in his hand on top and roughly took the box before heading out the front door.

He knew that they were here in town. Moody had given him the paper while he was still being held. He knew that they were in the old cemetery behind the church. He glanced back at the dilapidated cottage once more, he could see the silhouette of Remus still standing in the sitting room staring off towards the door. Turning his back he walked the familiar path to the old church. The frames rattled in the box, he tried his hardest to ignore them. So he thought back to the only time he had been in this church, it hadn't been but three months ago, maybe four. It was Harry's baptism. James thought it ludicrous but Lily insisted, she was after all a muggleborn, she had been raised going to mass and especially with the threat looming over their heads and James going back and forth of the idea of the fidelius charm she had wanted it done.

He could remember the gleam in her eye as they stood at the stone basin at the front of the small church, the tears that sparkled there. He honestly had gotten a bit teary too when the man, the father he thought it had been called, when he had him hold Harry out, Harry had not been impressed with his baptism in the slightest. Even just thinking of the memory Sirius chuckled at the devastated face that the baby had worn as the water streamed over his mass of black hair. He had to admit though, Harry had looked extremely cute in the little white muggle outfit that Lily had bought for him.

As the chill in the early December air pulled him from the memory, he realized that he was already standing in the cemetery. He had been unconsciously looking at names for what had to be several moments. There had to be an easier way to go about this, he could be here for hours looking at stones otherwise. Thinking quickly he pulled out his wand, and the picture from the study that still lay broken on the top of the box. He cast a locator charm over the picture, knowing that alive or dead it would point him to the owner of the picture. His eyes followed the bright blue light that sored to the back row of stones, he sighed and followed it. It made it rather final when even a locator charm told you that someone was in here. He wasn't sure why it hadn't seemed final before, but that blue light made it gut wrenchingly so.

His steps slowed as he approached the stone. Even from this distance he could see the names. As he got closer he couldn't see through the rivulets of tears that streamed down his face. He fell to his knees in the freshly dug earth, the box dropped onto its side, the pictures spilled out. He dug his hands into the moist dirt, just to encase them in something, anything that was a part of his lost friend.

"How could you expect me to deal with this?" he cried out. There was no answer, and he couldn't fathom why one small part of him thought there would be.

"You always call me on my bullshit. ALWAYS, why didn't you tell me I was being stupid? Why did you let me change your mind? No one would have protected you like I would have, I see it now, but why didn't you see it then? Why didn't you see that? You saw everything, you always knew when one of us needed put in our place or was being dishonest. You saw Remmy for what he was at 12 years old but you couldn't see Pete? What the hell was wrong with you?" he gasped for air as his hands began to sting from cold.

"You left, you left, you swore, we swore Jamie." He choked over the age old nickname. "You were all I had left. And now, now I am going to be left alone to raise your son? DO I LOOK LIKE A GOOD FATHER FIGURE TO YOU? WHAT IN MERLIN"S NAME WERE YOU THINKING?" he gripped his hands in his hair, dirt spilling down his face, in a motion that was so ingrained in him from being around James that it brought him to a halt.

"You are so much like him." Remus' voice said from behind him.

Sirius didn't look up. He continued to stare at the white marble that was inches from his face. His breathing was ragged and his throat was burning from inhaling the cold air in gulps.

"I know you don't see it, but you are. You act so much alike. Sometimes it was hard to see where James ended and where Sirius began. I don't know why I didn't see it, I wish I did. I don't know how James didn't see it. Sirius I can never, never make up for believing you would do this. I can never fix the fact that I didn't listen or see what was right in front of me. And an apology just doesn't seem good enough."

"He is really gone. He isn't going to come back. He really isn't coming back." Sirius said in disbelief.

"No, he isn't."

"I have been waiting, ever since that night for him to walk in and tell me that it was all a stupid, albeit well played, prank. Waiting so I could pummel the shit out of him for pulling this…But it isn't a prank is it? It is completely real. He isn't coming back. This isn't a nightmare is it? It is real, completely and cruelly real." Even in his own ears, his voice sounded as dead as his best mate.

"It is real. I wish I could tell you it wasn't, I am sorry I can't." Remus' voice sounded as hollow as his own, he could hear the unshed tears lurking beneath the surface.

"How am I going to do this? I'm not James and Merlin knows I'm not Lils, we all know it was her that really took care of Harry, Jamie was just for playing with. What am I going to do?"

He felt Remus sit on the ground beside him, this was the amazing thing about being a marauder, one minute you could be screaming at one another, and the next you were fine, you were brothers again.

"You are going to be yourself, you don't have to be James, and no one could ever be Lily. No one expects you to be Pads, we just expect you to be yourself. Harry loves you, he already adores his Godfather. You will both be fine. I know you will be." He assured, lifting some of the loose dirt and letting it pour from his fingers.

"You'll help?" the plea was blatant in his voice.

Remus nodded, his sandy hair flipping as he did so. "Of course I will. I would never abandon Harry. Never. And I will not ever do it to you again either."

"We need to get back to France, I pick up Harry tomorrow."

"We still have to get groceries and nappies, and I think we forgot to buy pyjamas as well."

"Damn it, I am going to be flat broke by the time he goes into Hogwarts, aren't I?" he joked.

Remus chuckled as they both stood and wiped their hands off on their jeans. "I believe you are. I guess we should be glad that you are the heir to one of the largest family vaults in the wizarding world."

"Looks like the name of Black is good for something after all." Sirius mumbled, wiping the dirt from his face.

"Who knew?" Remus jested.

"Certainly not me, I never thought I'd be happy to say I was heir to the Black fortune."

Remus smiled at his friend. "Well thankfully, you are, so you don't have to worry about it. Besides, if you weren't Sirius Black, you probably would be going broke."

Sirius nodded earnestly, "I guess it is a good thing that James was James Potter."

Remus nodded and glanced back, as he began to walk away.

Sirius picked up the dropped box of photos, stacking them back in neatly but refusing to look at them. He took a few steps from the fresh grave before looking back once more. He whispered, barely even loud enough for Remus to hear, "Bye Lils. Bye Jamie."