Trigger Warning - Self Harm

Chapter 4:

Katniss POV:

It's evening by the time we leave the lake. I bite my lip, worrying that my mother and Prim will be worried about our absence. It was just so much fun to teach Clove how to use a bow and to allow Clove to teach me to throw knives.

My stomach rumbles and I wince, we forgot to even stop to eat. I take Clove's hand and lead her through the forest, taking a shortcut back to get to the fence. We squeeze through the hole in the fence and start heading home.

"Where have you two been?" My mother asks as we come through the door.

"Lost track of time." Clove says shrugging.

"I thought you'd been discovered." She whispers urgently, looking between us. I shake my head and hold my hands up in surrender.

"I'm sorry." I say and she sighs, indicating we should enter the kitchen. "Like Clove said, we lost track of time." My mother purse her lips and lets out a sigh.

"Don't do that again, for all I knew the peacekeepers could have taken you to be flogged. I sent your sister to the square to see if you were there." At that moment the front door opens and Prim walks through.

"Katniss!" She says running over and hugging me.

"Hey Prim." I laugh as I hug her.

"I thought the peacekeepers had got you." She tells me.

"We they didn't, I'm sorry we were late home we lost track of time." She pulls away from me. My mother calls us for dinner and my stomach rumbles. Eagerly I sit down at the table, Clove sits next to me and we help ourselves to the roast groosling my mother has prepared.

I lie next to Clove staring at her face in the moonlight. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is even. I smile as a warm feeling fills my chest and I place a kiss on her forehead. She makes a small sound and a tiny smile appears on her lips but she continues to sleep soundly.

I watch her sleep for a while before closing my eyes and attempting to fall asleep. I sigh when sleep doesn't come and open my eyes. This has happened the past few nights and when I finally do get to sleep there's a chance I'll see Rue die again, or see myself kill Marvel and Glimmer or something similar.

I try to keep quiet after a nightmare, so as not to wake Clove. I know she has nightmares too and any peaceful sleep she can get is much needed. I turn back to her a smile forming on my lips involuntarily. She's so beautiful; I gently brush some hair out of her face.

I glance at the time, glad of the greenish light of the digital clock for once. I sigh when I read the time, 4:18. This is a record for how long I've evaded sleep. I sit up and blink my eyes. I'm exhausted, I glance a Clove who's still sleeping peacefully feeling slightly envious.

I pull myself out of bed and enter the en suite bathroom, quietly opening the drawer and grabbing the penknife I hide there. As I turn the light on I wince at the sudden bright light. I take a deep breath, allowing my eyes to adjust before approaching the sink. Placing my hands either side of it I stare and my arm for a few moments.

Slowly I reach for my sleeve and pull it up, examining the scars and few still healing cuts there. I remember the calm numbness I receive when I cut my skin. I grit my teeth and look up into the mirror, I look as exhausted as I feel.

I need to sleep and this will help me. I gulp, it will upset Clove. Biting my lip I shake my head, she doesn't have to know. Quickly I nick the skin on my arm a few ties, releasing a relieved breath when the calm numb feeling fills me.

I hold some toilet paper to the shallow cuts until they stop bleeding and as I do so I can feel my eyes closing of their own accord. I shake my head and flush the toilet paper down the toilet, pulling my sleeve down and re-entering the bedroom.

I crawl into bed, allowing my eyes to close, a few moments late I feel an arm around me. I smile sleepily before allowing myself to succumb to sleep.

This becomes routine for most nights, occasionally either Clove or I will wake up from a nightmare and we'll hold each other until we can sleep again. My nightmares are becoming more violent and more frequent and I often can't stop myself from waking up screaming. Neither of us get much sleep.

I think my mother and Prim are starting to notice. My mother keeps sending me worried glances and Prim is always asking what's wrong. Of course I just smile and tell her I'm fine. I sometimes visit Haymitch simply because when he's out of his head drunk he barely notices my presence, it's kind of reassuring to just sit with someone who can't see just how broken I am.

Clove has really taken to whittling, when I return from hunting I often see her whittling away at pieces of wood. She's pretty good at it as well, her first project was a simple wooden egg, and although it isn't completely smooth it's not bad for a first attempt.

She's taken to carving animals, rabbits, birds and even Buttercup. Prim was excited when Clove showed her the carving of Buttercup, Clove had laughed and said she could keep it. I can't help but smile when I think about how much Clove and Prim have bonded.

I watch them as Clove plays with Buttercup, Prim's laughing as the cat jumps up at the feathered cat toy, his eyes narrowed as he swipes a paw at it. Clove laughs her eyes glowing with warmth despite the bags underneath them.

I slight guilt courses through me as I remember the reason she didn't get much sleep last night because of me. I'd awoken screaming from one of my nightmares, I'd been thrown into a pit of fire by a sneering President Snow while Cato slaughtered Clove, I was unable to do anything to save her. I shudder and force the memory of the dream from my mind, not wanting to dwell on it.

Clove catches my eye and smiles slightly before worry flashes in her beautiful eyes. I smile back, trying to reassure her I'm alright but she's already handing the cat toy back to Prim and crossing the room to where I'm sitting.

She puts her arm around me and I lean into her automatically. "You ok?" She whispers and I nod. She's silent for a while before she speaks again. "You sure?" She asks.

"Yeah…" I reply but I can tell she doesn't really believe me. "I was just thinking about last night...It's nothing." Clove holds me tighter and places a kiss on my head.

"The nightmare?" She asks and I nod slowly. "Want to talk about it?" I just shake my head, not really wanting to think about it anymore. "Ok." She says but she doesn't move away and I'm glad of that. I just sit there, leaning against her as if the contact will somehow make everything better.

"I'm sorry I pulled you away from your game with Prim and the cat." I say nodding towards Prim who has now abandoned the cat toy and is sitting with a purring Buttercup on her lap.

"It's alright, you're more important." She grins and me and captures my lips with hers. I can't help but smile into the kiss. "There much better." She places a hand on my cheek as I smile at her, her eyes glowing with warmth. "You're beautiful." She kisses me once more.

"I love you." I tell her causing her to grin. At that moment my mother walks into the room, Gale close behind her.

"Katniss, Gale is here to see you." She says and I nod extracting myself reluctantly from Clove's arms.

"Hey." He says smiling at me slightly.

"Hi Gale." I greet him, he's covered in coal dust and carries a miners helmet under one arm. I realise he must've come here straight after work. I haven't seen him for the last few weeks as he's been working most days and they day a week he's not working he always seems to have to run errands for his family.

It might just be the coal dust but he seems older somehow. "I haven't seen you for ages..." He looks me up and down, I stand up straighter, trying to disguise how exhausted I am. He raises an eyebrow. "How've you been?"

I shrug, forcing a smile. "Ok, you?" He looks at me for a long time before replying.

"Busy…It's my day off tomorrow and I don't have anything I need to do. Want to come hunting with me?" He asks. I smile and nod, it will be good to hunt with him again. He beams at me. "Alright, I better get back, I'll meet you tomorrow in our usual place." He says, turning and leaving the house.

I turn back to the sofa where Clove is watching me. She holds her arms out and I grin as I cuddle back up to her.

That night Clove lies awake next to me. She snuggles up to me, placing her and arm around my stomach. I smile, turning and kissing her. "Can't sleep?" Clove asks. I shrug, it's not like it's unusual that I can't sleep, it's more unusual that she's still awake. "I can't either." She sighs and I kiss her nose, encircling my arms around her.

I sigh, pressing my forehead against hers. "Why can't you sleep?" I ask eventually. It's her turn to shrug. I'm not sure how long we lie together in silence. I close my eyes, just enjoying being close to her. I'm not sure how but eventually I fall asleep before her.

I awake to sun glaring through the curtains into my face. Clove is still asleep. I smile at her sleeping face. Carefully so as not to wake her I extract myself form her arms. As I'm getting ready for the day I hear her stir.

"Katniss?" She mumbles and I can't help but smile, I crawl over the bed to where she's blearily opening her eyes.

"Morning." I whisper, kissing her on the nose. She smiles sleepily at me and sits up and stretches.

"Morning Katniss." She says as she rubs her eyes. I glance at the time and realise I should probably get going, I need to meet Gale soon. I tell her this and she frowns but nods in acceptance. I give her a smile and kiss her forehead, letting her know I love her.

When I try to get off the bed I find her holding onto my arm. I wince as she touches the cuts underneath my sleeve but turn to her and smile, ignoring the pain. She frowns again, looking into my eyes searchingly.

"I really should get going." I say eventually. She nods before pushing me down and kissing me on the lips. She pulls away with a big grin on her face, keeping a hand on my cheek she stares into my eyes for a bit longer.

"I should let you go." She sighs, clambering off me reluctantly. I can't help but laugh at her dejected expression. I kiss her quickly.

"I'll see you soon." I reassure her and she nods giving me a small smile.

Gale is already at our meeting spot when I reach it. He grins at me grabbing his bow and passing mine to me. "What took you so long?" He asks playfully. I shrug giving him a playful nudge before walking off into the forest, knowing he'll follow me.

Out in the woods is almost like how it was before the games. Gale sets up a line of snares and we bring down some birds with our bows. We stop for lunch and I pull out a couple of bread rolls and some cheese.

Gale smiles grimly as I offer some to him. "I suppose you don't have to worry about feeding your family anymore." He says as he accepts the food. I shrug in reply, taking a bite out of the bread.

"That doesn't mean I'm going to stop hunting…What else will I do with myself if I don't hunt?"

"I don't know….Work on your talent for the Capitol?"

I turn to glare at Gale but see the grin on his face and realise he's teasing me. I roll my eyes at him and he laughs. "What is your talent anyway?"

I shrug again, I still haven't worked that one out, I suppose if I can't think of anything I'll have to sing. Gale shrugs and lets the subject drop; turning away from me he takes a bite out of his roll. "And….Clove….What about her?" He asks, squaring his jaw at the mention of Clove.

I shrug again, a small smile forming on my lips as I think of Clove. "I think she's going to whittle…She's pretty good at it already."

Gale nods slowly, refusing to look at me. I stand up brushing the bread crumbs off my hands. "We should keep going." I say to him, hoping to change the subject. He nods and follows me, we spot a few grooslings and I grin as I sneak a little closer.

I ready my bow and take aim. Just as I'm about to release the arrow the scene in front of me changes. Marvel stands there, he raises his spear to throw it and I release the arrow hitting him in the neck.

I can't breathe, I scramble away letting out a yelp as Marvel's knees buckle and he falls to the ground. "Katniss, Katniss…" I can hear someone calling but I can't seem to piece together where it's coming from nor recognise the voice.

I'm shaking, I shut my eyes, I killed him, I killed someone. When I open my eyes I can see my hands covered in blood. I look up and suddenly I feel someone's hands on my shoulders. I look up and recognise Gale's face, his mouth is moving but no sound is coming out. I take a few deep breaths but I can't calm myself.

"Katniss…You're with me…It's Gale." I blink slowly. I manage to slow my breathing as I take in my surroundings. I'm in the familiar forest near my home not the arena. I glance over to where I saw Marvel but only see a groosling lying there with an arrow sticking out of it.

I frown and shrug Gale's hands of my shoulders, standing I refuse to look him. "We should get back." I state, suddenly wanting to see Clove. I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"What was that all about?" He asks softly but I just shake my head.

"I want to go home." I say, gathering up my bow which I seem to have dropped and striding over to the dead groosling I stash it into my hunting bag and retrieve the arrow.

The walk back through the forest takes longer than I'd have liked it to. Gale insists on checking the snares, I almost leave him behind but decide against it as I help him retrieve the game his snares have caught.

I want to see Clove. The fear hasn't quite gone and I'm jumping at even the slightest sounds of the forest. I need to get out of here. The forest was once my place of safety where I could get away from everything. Now it feels like the very trees are intent on causing my death and that thought terrifies me. I need to get to Clove, she's the only one that can calm my frantically beating heart.

We stop at the tree where we hide our bows and walk towards the fence. "Do you want me to walk you home?" Gale offers, looking at me searchingly. I shake my head and assure him I'll be fine before taking off running towards the Victors Village. I'm glad when Gale doesn't follow.