Trigger Warning - Self Harm

Clove POV:

I instantly see something is wrong when Katniss bursts through the door out of breath as if she'd been running. I throw the wood I had just begun whittling to the side and stand up rushing towards her.

"Katniss…what happened?" I ask she shakes her head and throws her arms around me. I pause for a moment before encircling my arms around her. "Hey…It's alright." I whisper, trying to calm her. She takes a few deep breaths before she pulls away.

"Sorry…I just…" She shakes her head and I guide her over to the sofa.

"It's alright…What happened?" I ask, she looks away and I narrow my eyes. "Did Gale do something?" I growl, if he's hurt her or tried anything then I'll kill him. Katniss looks at me, her eyes wide as she shakes her head frantically.

"No, he didn't do anything …I just…I was hunting and…" She takes a deep breath. "I saw him...Marvel… I killed him… It felt like I was in the arena again, like a nightmare but in real life." She clenches her jaw and I can see her trying desperately not to cry.

I pull her close to be and she dissolves into sobs. "It's alright." I try to reassure her. I hold her for a while until she pulls away. A few tears are still falling so I place my hands on her cheeks and wipe them away.

We stare at each other for a while before I lean in and kiss her. She smiles into the kiss, I pull away and she rests her forehead against mine. We stay like this for what seems like hours. I hear the front door open and pull away from her.

"That will probably be your mother, she went to the market." I say and she nods slowly. We stand and move to the kitchen where Mrs Everdeen is sorting out the items she bought. She glances up at Katniss and frowns.

"You're back early." She says, staring at her daughter searchingly. "Is something wrong?" She asks and Katniss shakes her head.

"I'm fine." She assures her mother before moving to help her put the items away. Katniss pulls a groosling out of her hunting bag and starts plucking it, keeping her eyes trained on the bird so as not to make eye contact.

I glance at Mrs Everdeen who gives me a questioning look, I can see she's concerned for her daughter but I don't want to share what Katniss told me had happened. If Katniss wants her to know then I'm sure she'll tell her. I shrug and move over to where Katniss is plucking the bird, she passes me another bird from inside her hunting bag and I begin to pluck it.

I sigh as I whittle at the wood in my hand. I can't get Katniss out of my mind. I glance up and see her half asleep on the sofa. I'm worried about her, I know she's not been getting much sleep. That much is clear and she seems off lately.

Her mother has seen it too and had even asked me about it but I don't want to betray Katniss' trust and I can't help but feel there's something Katniss is not telling me. She spends a lot of time with Haymitch, briefly I wonder if he knows anything, he's been through these games, maybe he knows how I can help Katniss with her nightmares.

I scowl down at my hands. Having nightmares for half of my life hasn't taught me how to help someone else with them. No one but Katniss has ever helped me with anything like that. I purse my lips, pressing down on the wood a little too hard with my knife and accidently scraping my finger. I hiss and place my bleeding finger in my mouth.

My eyes wander back over to Katniss. She looks so peaceful lying on the sofa like that. Her eyes are fully closed now and from the steady rise and fall of her chest I can see she's asleep. I smile slightly, she needs it.

I examine the cut on my finger, it's shallow and has stopped bleeding now. I sigh closing my eyes, I should go and talk to Haymitch, I shudder and bite my lip. Haymitch scares me, if only there was a time where he wasn't so drunk.

I open my eyes and stare at my girlfriend sleeping peacefully. She should be able to sleep like that through the night and not have to worry about nightmares. Putting down my project and knife I stand and approach her.

She's beautiful even when she looks exhausted. I lean down and kiss her cheek, I love her and I want her to be ok. I take a deep breath and turn to the door. I'm going to speak to Haymitch whether he's drunk or not.

I stand in front of Haymitch's front door. Unsurely raising a hand to knock before shaking my head. I can't do this. I turn away and scowl, when did I become such a coward? Clenching my fist I knock on the door loudly.

When I get no response I knock again, louder this time. After waiting a few minutes I raise my hand to knock again. The door opens and Haymitch stares at me with unfocussed eyes. Taking a step back, wanting as much distance between him and me as possible in this situation, the stench of alcohol and vomit that radiates from his home doesn't endear me to him either.

"What do you want Clovey?" He smirks at me and I raise an eyebrow at the nickname.

"I want to talk." I say in fake confidence, he at least doesn't seem too drunk at the moment.

"We are talking." He says, raising a bottle of some kind of clear liquid that I assume is alcohol to his lips and taking a swig.

"It's about Katniss…" I start, scowling at the bottle.

"Ah…" He moves aside and gestures that I should enter. Hesitantly I take a step inside, trying not to gag at the onslaught of smells surrounding me. Haymitch leads me to a living room that's filled with empty bottles and a bucket that seems to be the source of the vomit smell.

Haymitch throws himself down on the sofa, indicating that I should take a seat but I remain standing not wanting to get too comfortable in this place. My heart is already hammering in my chest, my every instinct telling me to get ready to fight.

"She visits you a lot." I state and Haymitch raises an eyes brown and nods.

"She helps me clean sometimes too. " He says, and I scowl at him my eyes drifting over to the bucket. I take a deep breath to calm myself and immediately regret this decision as I gag on the stench of vomit.

"I wanted to ask you if she'd told you anything…" I watch as Haymitch snorts, leaning back and staring at me speculatively.

"Like what?"

"I don't know…Something's wrong…" I look away, biting my lip worriedly. I turn back to Haymitch abruptly when I hear him let out a bark of laughter.

"Of course something's wrong Clovey. You don't expect someone to just be completely ok after the games." He laughs, bringing the bottle up to his lips, he frowns when no liquid pours out of the bottle and shrugs standing up abruptly.

I take a few steps back, gripping the knife in my pocket ready to throw at him and kill him if I have too. He rolls his eyes at me and strolls over to the cabinet grabbing another bottle of liquor. "Doesn't look like you're alright either Clovey." He says sarcastically, settling himself back down on the sofa.

"I'm fine." I snarl and he lets out another bark of laughter and raises his bottle towards me.

"Sure you are." He says sarcastically and I flex my fingers, wanting very much to put a knife though his throat. "Why did you come here?" He asks frowning at me.

"I wanted to know if Katniss had told you anything…I want to help her." I tell him.

"With what exactly? Nightmares? Flashbacks? I'm sorry to tell you Clovey but these are just part of being a victor, you have to find your own way to deal with them." He takes a swig from the bottle not looking at me. I stare at him, so he had nightmares too? And…Flashbacks?

I open my mouth to ask how he dealt with them but close it again as he takes another swig from the bottle. I scowl I know full well how he deals with them. I eye the empty bottles on the table. I can't say I blame him, it must be nice to numb everything out for a while. I shake my head.

"If you can't help me I guess I'll get going." I say and I turn to leave.

"She does tell me some things…When she thinks I'm too drunk to remember them." Haymitch calls after me, I turn to him questioningly. He nods at me. "She's lucky she's got you, just…Look out for her Clovey."

I nod and Haymitch seems satisfied with my response as he turns away from me and takes another swig from his bottle. I quickly leave the house taking a deep breath of the fresh air.

I return home and glance into the living room. I'm glad to see Katniss still sleeping soundly as I cross the room and continue whittling at the piece of wood.

I hear Katniss stir and look up, her eyes are tightly closed and she bares her teeth as she thrashes around on the sofa. Throwing my items to the side I rush over to her and have her in my arms in an instant.

She awakes with a gasp and looks around frantically. Her eyes find mine and she relaxes slightly. "Just another nightmare." She whispers as she lets out a long breath and closes her eyes, I give her a sad smile and kiss her cheek.

"What was it about?" I ask softly, she closes her eyes and shakes her head slowly.

"Just the games." She shudders and I kiss her forehead not sure what I can say. She shakes her head and lets out a sigh before wrapping her arms around me and resting her forehead on on my shoulder. I hold her silently for a while wanting to chase away her nightmare and make her forget the games.

"Katniss are you in there?" Katniss pulls away from me at the sound of her sister's voice.

"Yeah, what is it Prim?" The door opens and Prim puts her head around the door. She beams at Katniss and enters the room. Holding a wireless telephone in one hand, she passes it to Katniss.

"It's someone called Cinna, he wants to talk to you."

Katniss takes he phone and starts talking to her stylist unsurely, my gaze lingers on the phone, wondering why her stylist has decided to call her now. I push down the jolt of jealousy shaking my head. It doesn't mean anything. Katniss loves me not some Capitol idiot.

I mentally berate myself as I walk over to the chair in the corner of the room which has become my whittling chair. I sigh staring at the pieces of wood around me. I want to make something for Katniss I decide smiling slightly. I sift through my pieces of wood, wondering what I could whittle for her.

I glance up at Katniss who's still talking to Cinna on the phone and notice a spark of gold on her shirt. Her mockingjay pin that she often seems to be wearing, the one that was her token in the games. I grin to myself, she never told me where she got the pin but it seems to mean something to her. I select a piece of wood and start whittling at it, knowing exactly what I'm going to make for her.

"Clove?" I look up and glance towards Katniss who's by the door. "Are you coming? It's time for dinner." She sends a smile my way and I nod getting up to follow her.

I get caught up with whittling after dinner so I lose track of the time and when I finally glance up at the time I find that it's already midnight. Biting my lip and deciding to finish whittling my present for Katniss tomorrow as I put my knife away.

I sneak upstairs to the bedroom I share with Katniss, hoping I won't wake her as I slip into the room. I frown when I find she's not in the bed but spot a line of light under the bathroom door. Quickly I change into my night clothes and wait for her to come out of the bathroom.

10 minutes later I hear her move from behind the door. Frowning I stand and knock on the door. "Katniss? Are you in there?" I hear a slight crash and clatter and decide to open the door, finding it unlocked.

Katniss looks up at me as I stare at her in shock, blood runs down one of her arms a knife lies on the floor by the sink. "Katniss…" I force the feeling of shock down and kneel down beside her. She closes her eyes and turns away from me.

"You weren't supposed to find out…" She mumbles, I shake my head taking her into my arms. Glancing at her arms I can see that she has many half healed cuts and realise she's been doing this for a while now. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head, she has nothing to be sorry for. I pull away so I can see her face and brush a few loose strands of hair from her face. "Don't be." I tell her, placing a kiss on her forehead. I grab some toilet paper and start to stop the bleeding, Katniss is silent as I apply pressure to her arm and that worries me slightly "Why did you do this?" I ask quietly, Katniss shrugs, refusing to look at me.

I place a hand on her cheek and she finally looks me in the eyes. She gulps and takes a deep breath. "It just…It helps me sleep, I'm so tired." She closes her eyes for a moment.

I hug her tightly. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask and she shrugs.

"I didn't want to upset you." She admits, I kiss her gently, trying to ignore the lump in my throat.

"I love you Katniss, I want to help you…I want to be there for you, the way…The way you're there for me." I say honestly, she stares at me for a long moment before flinging her arms around me and kissing me.

"I love you too Clove." She whispers, she rests my forehead against my shoulder and I feel her grip slacken slightly. She's exhausted.

"Come on, let's get to bed." I suggest and she nods in agreement. I help her up and we wander over to the bed. As we lie down Katniss cuddles up to me so I wrap my arms around her and stroke her hair, placing a kiss on her forehead. She's asleep within moments.

I lie awake for a while, just staring at her in the darkness. I smile sadly, hating that she's felt the need to do that to herself again. I hold her tighter, I'll help her as much as I can. I just want her to be happy. I kiss her forehead before allowing my eyes to close