Well, after this last ep I came running back to this fic. Not that I was very far from it, lol. This chapter has some angst, but I find it more tolerable than a love triangle. Or quadrangle. Hopefully you'll enjoy it! Always always, thank you so much for your wonderful reviews and support, it means the world to me. :)
Shout out to guests Brenda (I'm so sorry! Don't cry under your desk! *hugs*), Luna (You are a doll, your multiple lovely reviews make me so happy and I have been a dork and kept forgetting to include you here. So glad you like it! :D ) and Elif from Turkey (You are a sweetheart, so glad you are enjoying it! Don't apologize for your English, you are awesome!)
Thanks for reading! Please note the disclaimer at the end of the chapter. :)
Chapter 14
It was much later that night that Iris found herself sitting on the couch staring in the direction of her computer, but really at nothing. She had placed her phone far away in case Barry tried to call or text her, but she needn't have bothered. She hadn't heard anything from him since she left him on the rooftop the previous night. It felt like twice that much time had passed. It had been a very long, emotional day.
Iris had been vacillating between anger and acceptance for most of the afternoon and evening. Just when she thought she might be able to get past it, some tiny thought would spiral her back into anger. Joe had been smart enough to recognize this and keep an extremely low profile. Even now she was pretty sure he had gone out to pick up some dinner simply so he could be out of the house for a bit. He'd been walking on eggshells since they arrived back at the house, ever since he had brought up the possibility of brownies and got his head bit off for it.
Brownies had just reminded her of Barry, and thinking of Barry was upsetting one way or another. Iris couldn't decide what she wanted. She wanted to see Barry, but she wanted to yell at him. She was angry at him but she hurt thinking about him hurting. She sighed in frustration. She remembered when they were kids, after the minor argument or imagined slight, he would usually come to apologize first. She would then throw stuffed animals at his head when he peeked around the door to her room, which usually led to laughter and forgiveness on both sides.
If only things were that simple now.
She had spent some time updating her blog. The Flash sightings were pouring in for today alone. She was pretty sure she knew what that meant. It just upset her even more to see proof that he was upset. Then she'd become angry and wasn't even sure why that time. Now she was just pretending to do some work, because all she could do was think, try not to cry, become angry and then start thinking all over again.
She was just wondering if she should just give up on dinner and go to bed early when a sudden gust of wind delivered a small folded piece of paper to her laptop keyboard, which was seated on her lap. She knew exactly how it had arrived there, even if she hadn't been able to see him do it. She stared at the note for a moment before finally picking it up and unfolding it. It had one sentence on it:
Please hear me out.
Iris tilted her head, thinking for a moment. And a moment is all she had. Because a new folded note gusted onto her keyboard again.
I know you're angry.
That was quite an understatement. Iris opened her mouth to announce it to the room at large when yet another note breezed in.
We really need to talk.
Iris shouted in the direction of the front door. "Barry! Stop it!" She tried really hard not to let on that she was torn between anger and laughter. Hopefully the laughter didn't come through. She watched the front door and waited.
It popped open a crack, and Barry's head peeped in. It was obvious to her that he was scanning the room for incoming projectiles. She smirked a bit. Obviously he hadn't forgotten the stuffed animals either. She waited.
Once he was sure she wasn't going to throw anything at him, Barry stepped in all the way and closed the door behind him.
The smirk on Iris's face faded. She hadn't realized what he was wearing.
He had his suit on, with the hood and mask off to show his face. She wasn't sure what part of it was more unsettling: Seeing the face of her best friend in that suit, or the fact that he was standing in a brightly lit room wearing it. She was so used to seeing it on him in darkness and shadow. She swallowed as she took it in. No, it was definitely seeing his face in that suit that was the worst. She'd known it, even back on the rooftop. Any amusement that had existed disappeared. She watched him as he approached and took a seat on the far side of the couch, giving her space. He looked determined and awkward all at the same time. She said nothing. She wasn't going to make it easy on him.
Barry sat with his hands clasped together in his lap, assessing her mood. The look she gave him was almost a dare to convince her he deserved forgiveness. For a brief second, he almost disregarded his father's sage advice and bolted. But he swallowed down the fear and started talking.
"Look, Iris. I know you're mad at me, and I know I deserve it." Her look clearly agreed with him. He looked at his hands, because looking at her angry face made him lose his resolve. "I'm so sorry I lied to you. I know I've been lying to you all this time. But believe me when I tell you that I only wanted to keep you safe. I never meant to hurt you."
She shook her head at him. "Do you think I'm that weak? That you have to protect me all the time?" He was already shaking his head too.
"No, but it's dangerous. Metahumans are dangerous. I thought I could keep both parts of my life separate and that it would be better."
His last sentence infuriated her. "Better? Better?!" She put her computer aside with far more force than necessary. "How could it be better? I thought we told each other everything, Barry. You kept this huge part of your life from me. You shut me out!" By now her voice was raised and she had jumped to her feet. "How could you just shut me out like that, like I don't matter to you?" She was finally yelling.
She expected Barry to look sheepish and ashamed. She half expected him to start apologizing endlessly. What she didn't expect was a suddenly angry Barry on his feet as well. She didn't expect to suddenly have to look up at him, and she certainly didn't expect what came out of his mouth next. Barry's face was angry and pained as he yelled too.
"What difference did it make, you'd already shut me out with Eddie!"
The silence was blaring. They were both speechless, mouths opened in surprise. Barry looked just as shocked by what he'd said as Iris did. They were so busy staring at the other that neither noticed Joe peek through the windows of the front door and decide he'd be better off eating his dinner in the car.
Iris held back angry tears. "Don't you dare use Eddie as an excuse! You've always been my best friend, even when Eddie was in the picture!"
Barry sighed and sat back down, shaking his head. "It's not an excuse. But everything changed when I woke up. I was different. You were different. Suddenly you had a boyfriend and I felt shut out of your life, like you'd moved on when I was in the coma."
He could see her opening her mouth to argue. "It's okay, I was in a coma for nine months and you thought I was gone for good. I get it. I wasn't mad; I wasn't trying to hurt you back. I just… we told each other everything and now I wasn't sure what I should say. I still wanted to tell you. I thought about it a lot. Until…" He stopped.
"Until Bette died." He looked up at her in surprise. She sat back down too. He nodded.
"Yeah. But also, we talked on the roof for the first time. And you were doing it for me." He gave her look that told her how much it had meant to him. "You were trying to help me regain my faith. And after you told me that, I wasn't sure what I should do then. I still wanted you to stop writing. It was dangerous. But it meant so much that you believed in me. And you wanted to give others hope, just like I did. How could I take that away from you? Then it just snowballed and got out of control."
Iris couldn't argue with that. The look on her face must have softened, because Barry seemed to be encouraged and kept going. "Iris, the truth is you feel kept out of this secret, but really, I couldn't keep you out. Everything with Tony, your blog, The Arrow, you helped give me my name as The Flash! You believed in me when no one else did. I never could keep you out. You were always there. I just…never could stop coming to see you as The Flash."
He shrugged, looking like he'd run out of words.
Iris was having a hard time holding onto her emotions by now. She looked at him, slouching in his red suit, and sighed. She'd known seeing him in his suit without his mask would make it harder to be angry. But she still was. She shook her head. "It just hurts, Barry, to know that I was on the outside with all of this. And when I feel the hurt, I get angry about it. I don't know if I can let it go. I don't know what to do." He looked at her, and she could see the worry in him. That she'd never truly forgive him, and they would drift apart. She shook her head again, helplessly. "I'm so sorry Barry, but even now I'm just angry and I feel like I want to hit you."
Barry's eyebrows went up in surprise, but then he seemed to consider it. He stood up. "Okay."
Iris looked up from the couch. Her expression was priceless. "What?"
"Hit me. I deserve it."
Iris let out a disgusted sigh and rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to hit you, Barry."
He studied her for a moment. She could almost see the wheels turning. "Iris, I understand you're angry. I would be too. Hit me. You'll feel better. I can take it, I've seen a lot worse by now."
"No!" She was getting angrier in spite of her attempts not to. "That's not going to solve anything!"
"Iris, really. I understand. You feel left out. We were supposed to tell each other everything. All those meetings on the roof, and I never told you. All the lies, all those deceptions. Friends don't do that to each other."
Iris did her best to ignore him. She knew what he was doing, trying to push the right buttons to enrage her. She wasn't going to fall for it. Did he think she was that gullible?
Barry was barely blinking as he tried to goad her, his goal exactly one thing. Finally he hit the right mark. "Did you think we were laughing at you? That night you came to S.T.A.R. Labs while I was hurt? Did you think we had a good old time laughing about it after you left?"
That did it. She knew what he was doing, but she suddenly just didn't care. Memories of that night flooded back. The humiliation of it combined with the reminders of Barry's coma. The realization that Barry had been seriously injured, not just an anonymous hero in a suit, pushed her right over the edge. She leaped to her feet.
"Shut up!" She hit him in the middle of his chest with all the skill she'd acquired since she'd been put in gloves at six years old.
In their childhood, she would have knocked him flat on his back. Now, due to his superior height and leaner, more muscular body that the suit did little to hide, he simply rocked back on his feet a bit. Iris was strong, but Barry was prepared. It was like a fly trying to hit him. Iris barely noticed.
"Shut up! You spend all your time running around fighting killer metahumans and you wouldn't even tell me!" She hit his chest. "You didn't tell me you fought your mother's killer!" She hit him again. "You could have died and I never would have known any of it! You. Could. Have. Died!"
Each word of the last sentence was punctuated with a new blow to his chest. The last one had every bit of power she could put behind it, and she actually heard him involuntarily grunt in pain. That was what stopped her tirade. She looked up at his face. He was looking down at her. Tears rimmed his eyes but didn't fall. He was still just standing there; ready to take another hit if needed. But somehow she knew the tears in his eyes weren't due to physical pain. She became aware that she had tears in her own. She leaned her head on his chest and let her arms drop, a strangled sob escaping her. He stood there, supporting half her weight with his body, solid as a rock.
Minutes passed as she rested on him, struggling to control the tears that flowed. Barry looked down at the top of her head, barely affected by her blows. Well, not in any physical way. His concern, as usual, was more for her. "Feel any better?"
"No." Iris wiped her face with a hand and braced herself with the other one on his chest. It only took a moment for her to realize that consciously or not, she'd put her hand directly over his heart again. She closed her eyes in defeat and let the steady rapid thrumming calm her down.
It was another several minutes before anyone spoke. Finally Barry put his hand over hers. He took it as a good sign that she didn't throw it off. "Iris, I am so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry that my being in danger without you knowing upsets you so much. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away. And I'm sorry I broke your trust." Iris nodded against his chest. It was pretty much what she expected him to say.
"But I'm not sorry that you believed in me and helped name me. I'm not sorry that we talked on the rooftop all those times. I refuse to be sorry that you were there for me when I needed it after The Arrow died, and I will never be sorry that you were the first person I wanted to tell when I heard he was still alive."
Surprised, Iris raised her face to look at his. Despite the pain in his eyes, Barry looked better than he had when he'd arrived. He smiled slightly and stepped slowly away, making sure she was supporting herself as he did. A few steps away from her, he spread his hands out to emphasize his suit. She realized it had been no accident that he had worn it to come see her.
"Iris, there are no secrets left. This is me. No hiding anymore. I'm still your best friend, if you'll have me. I have super powers, and I use them to fight crime and help the city. And I love you. You are important to me. You are the one I want. Forever. If you can forgive me, I still want to be a part of your life. If you can't, I understand." He gave her another small smile and left, giving her no chance to respond.
Iris took several shaky breaths and sat back down on the couch. She rested her face in shaking hands.
Barry leaned back against a tree nearby and tried to steady his breathing. He was truly afraid she would decide she couldn't forgive him. But he'd done what he came to do, and now it was up to her. He put his hood and mask on and streaked down the street, trying not to think about one thing: If he knew Iris at all, she had her thinking face on. That was terrifying.
It was another half hour before Joe quietly slipped out of his car and headed inside with a now very cold dinner for Iris. When he came in, Iris was in her room. He put her food in the fridge and tiptoed to his own, wondering if the angst level was ever going to come back down.
******DISCLAIMER******
The events of this chapter do not mean that I in any way support or approve of hitting people because you are angry with them. That is abuse. In this case, it seemed like something Barry would do to help Iris work through her anger, and since he has superpowers it is not a typical situation. Plus he had to push her hard to get her to do it, so it was his choice. Don't hit people because you are angry, it never helps anything. However, if you by chance are offered the opportunity by a sweet nerdy hero, whose lightning strike incident gave him abs and put his muscles in a chronic and unexplained state of cellular regeneration, well then by all means go nuts. :)