The two of them came together slowly, like flames licking at each other before mingling into one being. Just when they looked as if they could kiss, the song hit a chorus and Reiner spun Armin who seamlessly turned the jazz like motion into a cartwheel. His legs lifted and cleared his head as his hands caught him and he was upright just as quick as he had tumbled. He was so damn fast. The two of them began circling like predators and I saw their fists banging over their hearts to the beat. I knew what this was immediately. It was a story. My breath caught in my chest at the emotion flaring in their eyes. It was artsy, I'll give them that. They circled each other like warriors until Armin hauled ass towards Reiner. It looked like Armin would run through him. The last second was there and Reiner's hands lifted Armin at his hips and a large hand balanced across his stomach and next thing I knew Armin was in the air being held by only one of those muscular arms clear over Reiner's head. They turned as the singing cooed into a softer tone, and Armin's hands found those wide shoulders below and he was doing a fucking handstand on them before I felt the fire of jealousy rise in my gut as Reiner's hands reached up caressing the back of Armin's legs. Armin twisted and fell down into those arms that were so much stronger than mine.
The story was about being in love, one person lifting another and doing these stands and such with support. Armin was in front of Reiner now, and those hands I was wishing would disappear soon lifted the shirt off of Armin's small frame. My lungs decided to temporarily stop working. Lean muscle filled out Armin's tanner than I expected skin. His shoulders were wide, so were his hips and that gave him the closest thing I'd ever seen on a boy to an hourglass figure. His arms had lines of toned muscle and as he turned I was floored by the sheer fact his back had tone to it as well. He wasn't beefy by any means but he was athletic. My eyes stuttered across a four pack. Skin colored briefs were all he wore as he stood before me now. He bared it all, his lover stripping him down. He was letting him in, trusting… Why was I moved? I was captured and enthralled and god did those hips sway in this crazy motion that made me feel my throat go dry. I took another sip of the Kamikaze Zoe had force fed me. I was trying to reform my thoughts to focus on the craftsmanship and passion here, not the bodies. It felt almost disrespectful to wish those briefs were gone. I mean, I wasn't being creepy right? To be fair he came out dressed as a girl at first!
Let's clear this up really fast. I'm not really gay. I don't like many people, period. Like unless I know someone I can't get off or think about them sexually. It just feels empty and wrong. I'm probably the only eighteen year old guy ever to not like porn. For the first ten years of my life I assumed I was what I know now as asexual… Until my best friend kissed me. Marco had been the sidekick and best friend everyone trees, playing mario cart and building forts endless summer over endless summer. Marco was my first kiss. My first at a lot of things. We were inseparable. No one knew, you know with his overbearing catholic parents and all. I cringed as the still fresh wound that Marco left through my very core stung at the prodding that thinking of him caused. That day that my world crumbled around me and I felt the life and feeling drain from me like I was bleeding out. I literally collapsed. Ymir had been the first to reach out to me. My eyes closed, forcing the thought away. I can still see blurs of my friends faces, some already sobbing as they soaked in the news. I didn't cry or speak. I simply let waves of some out of touch with reality feeling hit me as my grasp on the world let go, because it would no longer be the world I loved. I wasn't aware of my knees buckling until right there in the halls of Sina Academy, I laid my face on the floor slumped over just started to scream. I remember the way it echoed off of the floor and back into my face like the world was spiting my pain back into my eyes and mocking it. People watched, not sure what to do. I remember Connie's voice, half sobbing himself. I cant tell you what he said. What I do remember is Ymir, the smell of mens soap and green apple chap stick as she sat her ass down and pulled me into her lap shamelessly.
Since then theres two girls I let rope me into sex when I was lonely. It feels nice and fills this gaping hole of lonely for a bit. I know Hitch and Mina are using me…but really I am using them just as much. That's all most romance is anyway. It's like a socially acceptable form of prostitution in exchange for friendship. I had an itch, I scratched it. It went away. That's how it worked for me. They expected as much from me, with my appearance and distant nature. One of th perks of being a 'bad boy'. No man had drawn my eye since Marco. But looking down at Armin I was caught off guard by how raw and exposed he seemed. He looked naked in more ways than one as he stood hands atop Reiner's chest. Renier swayed and lowered himself on his knees in front of Armin. Next thing I knew, they were both topless. Damn, Reiner had beefed up since last summer. Blame it on the football I guess. I tried to swallow my impulses as I willed myself to be objective and observant. That's when Reiner snapped his head to the side and slowly let his hands slide away from Armin's waist. The symbolism hit me as Reiner ran his hands through Christa's hair. Armin was fully open and trusting, Reiner kept part of himself hidden. Thats what the pants meant! His eyes were caught by another. I felt a jolt of sympathy as I looked on.
Armin approached, repeating that circling motion around Reiner as he banged his hand over his heart. Pain screamed from his eyes. I found myself casually wondering what inspired this dance. Armin was soon beating on Reiners back as the larger boys face vanished in the crook of Christa's neck. Reaching back he shoved Armin away and the momentum from it caused his shoulder to turn and before I knew it he was on the ground. I was no expert in dance by any stretch of anyones imagination. But as my eyes watched Armin writhe on the floor to the beat, his hair halfway loose from all the effort I thought to myself on the floor that day… My eyes stung. I could relate. This was my story too. I had no idea that Armin had been through such heartbreak… Shouldn't that pain have made us bond? Why wasn't I closer to him? He stood and ran to Reiner once more and was struck down this time by the back of a hand. He crawled back, cupping his face. When he stood now he was still, panting and the look on his face when he stood was nothing short of fierce. What came next gave me more respect for Armin than I knew I was capable of. He did a backbend and walked on his hands before casually turning right side up as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Dancing to, no with, his reflection now he went into a full ballet spin. His head turning when it had to but fixed on some point I didn't see. He spun quicker, quicker and even quicker until he was a blur.
He was alone and content. The dance was still going, no support from stronger arms needed. He'd found his own sense of self… or maybe I was reading to much into it. Either way, Reiner came skirting back. Armin literally fucking growled at him, Reiner backing away like someone wounded animal. He danced harder, fierce jagged movements as he danced out all the anger from his heart. The song took a tender turn and I saw him do another back bend but this time his hands weren't empty when he rose up. He had the shirt. My mouth fell open as he caressed Reiner's face and lifted his arms as his hips swayed. Reiner ducked in for a kiss only to have his shirt pulled back over his wasn't going to leave him naked and uncovered. Even though he'd been left for another and was still all too nude his self he covered his ex lover before worrying about himself. Here I thought Christa was the angel. The sting in my eyes became more prominent. Would I be able to do that? Did I have that much goodness in me? I guess the reason it hurt was because I knew the answer. It was an echoing, explosive no.
The dance ended to Reiner on the floor half kneeling as Armin danced away.
It effected me, that for sure. I never knew I hadn't processed or really let thoughts like that hit me in years. I felt a salty singe at my surely bloodshot eyes. The silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife. But then they clapped and I joined, slapping my hands together through the heat in my eyes and the sting helped to keep tears from falling. Who knew I could see something so deep and meaningful next to a stripper pole? I swallowed hard and went back to work. DanceDance played through the top ten club hits one by one for the next while. I stood and looked into the crowd as bodies twisted and danced. I really did like it here. I'm not sure how well I'd enjoy it from down there, I had never really danced before. But here behind the safety of distance and control I was pleased and contend with them enjoying the night and all of those possibilities it held. A private sense of attachment to this place settled deep in my gut and I began to wing it, doing a light show off of the top of my head just to entertain myself.
"Hi." Came a soft and shatteringly familiar voice. I turned and felt my ears burn and a shock jolt through my limbs as Armin stood before me. Damn, why did I never hear people sneak up here?! He was sweaty and his hair was damp and readjusted into its bun. That black shirt clung to him as well as… Holy shit, it was a black skirt. He was a bombardment of visual and sexual confusion. So feminine but clearly a boy. A boys shirt and regular converse all stars but his shaved legs looked way too soft under a black quilted skirt. I swallowed noticing how everything I liked about boys was there. A strong jaw, wide shoulders and small waist was right in front of me. But large eyes, long smooth legs and dear god was that Chanel perfume?! He was the best of both sides and he was maybe five feet away and looking half shy as he approached me. It hit me I had my mask on. Armin didn't know who I was! I nodded, not to look coy or disinterested but half because I was too shocked to speak and half because I was scared he would recognize my voice. He extended his hand, a twenty in it. "Here's some of what I made." I thought back to the money Levi had left and I realized they were sharing tips with me. Like how waitresses tip out the cooks. I waved it off, shaking my head. I knew how broke Armin was. He lived on the wrong side of town and rode a bike to school. I drove a fucking lexus. I wasn't taking anything from him.
Either hurt or confusion, maybe both flickered across his face. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know either. "Thank you for running the fog for me and making sure tonight went smoothly." He said and tilted his head smiling that smirk he gave in school. "I couldn't have done it without you up here being the master mind." I genuinely blushed. He was flattering me. God, how I wanted to show him my smile and tell him how I loved what he did. He extended his hand to me. "I'm Ari. Lovely to meet you." I refuse to believe my hand might have been unsteady as I shook his. His hands were so small and smooth. I pointed to my bandanna and he chucked. "Ah, Skullface… Eren and Ymi- my friends told me about you." Correcting his self as if I didn't know who they were. Man, he was adorable.
"Listen…" He began as I stared at him like he was the missing link, "I was wondering, since you took the job and all…" Was he blushing? He looked down reeking of the all shyness I knew him to have. "Can I have your number?" My stomach dropped. Or jumped. Hell it probably ricocheted around like some aimless bullet with no goal. Maybe it outright exploded. "I have some song ideas and I'd like to run stuff by you when I am choreographing things." This kid was bad for my health. Tonight alone I had been on ceaseless emotional rollcoaster. More ups and downs than I knew in a year had hit me tonight. It was scary and sloppy. Every particle in my being knew this was tangled, messy and that I should run away full speed.
But Ive never dug a pen out and clicked it so quick before in my whole sad little life.
I scribbled my number on the back of his hand and he smiled up at me. "Text you soon! He said and turned to leave, but looked over his shoulder. "Lady GaGa drives them crazy by the way." He said hinting as he shuffled down the stairs. I didn't realize until he left I had been holding my breath. I sighed and ran my hands down my face and let out this really fucked up groan. I felt like I was eating myself alive on the inside.I was thrilled and happy, don't get me wrong. Today was fucking amazing! But this whole thing with the lying and prying into peoples private world was so stressful. I was alien on some planet I didn't belong on. I knew I was here on borrowed time. I felt like some shitty action movie and there was a bomb strapped to my chest tick tocking away the seconds until this all blew up in my face.
I played Lady GaGa anyway.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out, seeing a text from a new number.
555-798-0089: Mother Monster's proud, Skullface ;]
I look over and see Armin sitting by Amanda and he gave me a cute little wave from over his phone. I was grinning like a fool as my thumbs tapped out a reply.
Nah, her majesty would be way more pleased with how you made an entire club of drunk and horny people forget about themselves with a dance like that. I hit send.
The red blush was priceless but the way he let his face fall into his hands was so cute it made me literally ache in my chest. Apparently people were getting curious now because of the gesture. I saw Eren try to peek over Armin's shoulder. Armin quickly slid the phone down and away. Guarding it like some precious secret. A secret of course that Ymir flawlessly snatched away and as her eyes skimmed over the text I saw them shoot directly to me. How in the hell did she know it was me he was texting? Fuck! Shit! I felt waves of panic rock over me as it hit me that me and Ymir have had each others phone numbers memorized since the eighth grade. Tick, tock, boom. This was it. I was caught red handed not only as the DJ with a secret identity, but as someone obviously flirting with Armin. The buzz in my hand confirmed it.
From Miri: Jean YOU SNEAKY SHIT
From Miri: HOLY FUCK ON A FUDGESTICK
My eyes watched the three dots roll on, telling me she wasn't done and was still typing. Ymir was serial texter when she was upset or excited.
From Miri: You. Me. Men's bathroom. NOW.
I was confused, I mean she used caps lock so much that it wasn't a shred of evidence one way or another. You know that feeling you get when people say 'lets talk?'. Imagine that multiplied by ten. Hell, I would have felt less guilty burying a body! I am not less of a man for admitting this, but I was scared shirtless as I meandered to the restroom. People patted me on the back and high fived me as I walked a slight distance through the crowd to the neon blue doors. I just nodded in return. I was too scared to soak it up or do a miss America wave, so sue me. I stood outside the one marked Men's for long enough to sigh in relief as I leaned against the frame. Just when I was thinking I was semi lucky for having a second to myself to formulate some thoughts or words to say, a freckled hand jerked me in by the back of my shirt and slammed me against the wall with a thud and rather painful jolt against a paper towel dispenser. The same hand ripped the fabric from my face.
I looked into Ymir's brown eyes and she stared back. I could tell part of her wanted to laugh by the way the edge of her mouth jerked. Still, thats no clue. She had a funny laugh, psychotic angry laugh and even a 'why am I crying and being a whimp' laugh. Laughing did not mean everything was okay with Ymir. Thats when her small shoulders raised and she let out this sigh that reminded me of single moms in grocery stores. She leaned back against the sink and ran a hand through her hair as she locked eyes with me. "What. The. Actual. Fuck" She said pausing between words. I shook my head, running my hands through my own hair. Damn, we were alike. I shifted my wait against the wall. I leaned back, letting my head rest as I looked her in the eye. She deserved that much. I felt scared, ashamed, caught and guilty all at once. A silent conversation happened within the arch of her eyebrows and the nod of my face.
"You saw all of that?"
"Yes, I did."
She sighs, throwing a hand up as if in question. "And you are flirting with Armin?"
I nod again, shrugging as I ran my hand over the back of my neck. "I guess so, aren't I?"
The way she sighs and deflates signals resignation and defeat. At least she isn't mad. I can tell instantly she's on my side and I feel a little bad for thinking she'd do anything but help me. I watch as she silently decided to be my partner through this. I am friends with a butch angel from above. Bless her heart, bless her liver, bless her fucking kidneys just bless all that is Ymir, okay? She's not happy though, I can tell that much from the energy shes practically spraying at me. My phone buzzes and I look.
555-798-0089: Maybe you can help me put something special together for the banquet?
She jerks my phone out of my hand with authority and groans like a bewildered father. Tossing it back to me she raises herself to sit on the sink. "Jean Kirstein, could you possibly make this situation any worse?" She asks as she lights a cigarette. I look from her to my phone for a second. I close my eyes and commit. "Yea…" I say as my fingers glide over my phone. "I just did." I say knowingly as I turn my phone around and show her my reply.
You name, you've got it. I can't help but send it. I am helplessly committed to this.
She pulls me into a hug and I hear her blow smoke by my ear. I feel he heat of her Marlboro on my neck as she inhales and holds it for just bit too long and blows a cloud of smoke out. The sound is soothing and I remember my mother and how she smelled of flowers and menthols. Ymir pulls back and cups my face in her hands as she presses her forehead against mine and looks me in the eyes I feel safe and centered.
"You are a bull in a china shop when it comes to people, baby…" She says and her eyes take on a sad darkness. "And he's a china doll if I have ever seen one." She knows like I do that this will be bad. The bomb is back, against my gut and ticking. Sure, I had a scare but I guess its like in the movie when the hero cuts a wire and then sighs in relief that his arms aren't ten feet away by now. Only I'm no hero, and the bomb is still here, ready to obliterate me at any moment. Levi's words rang in my ear; "You're a bull in a china shop too, huh?" I swallow something down the back of my throat that tastes like fear and I slide my arms around my friend as she rubs her hands down my back radiating comfort. "I'm with you. I'm here, and your going to be okay." Those words… those are the same words exactly that she whispered as I screamed into her arms four years ago. My eyes burn and I am suddenly feel my own tears sliding between me and her exposed shoulder in a weird wetness that brings shame to my very core. "I won't let you go through this alone." She says and runs a hand through my hair. I squeeze her and take a deep breath, reeling in my emotions like my life depends on it. Maybe it does.
"But so help me, Jean, do not fuck up you little shit." She giggles and I smile. That is until she lightly smacks me across my face with a slight sting and a loud crack. "Seriously, you son of a bitch." I grab my face and smile as I nod. She reaches up and ties my mask back on for me. Her tender fingers tie it tightly and quickly. She stands and looks up at me smiling. "Enough about you.." She says and turns her neck, revealing a large bruise. "I got laid."
Ymir's gay, Armin's gay, Reiner's gay, Eren's gay and Christa just got a taste….
And as I high five Ymir and head back through a swimming crowd I realize none of any of it matters. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Either way it wouldn't change my joy at Armin's reply of endless smiley faces. I look out and see them all dancing and laughing around Armin and Amanda as they sit. We get too busy trying to find ourselves… so busy in fact we loose the chance to be ourselves because we are so wrapped up definitions and plans and shit like that. I don't know who I am.
But I know what I want. I am not a mean, friendless outsider. I'm not straight.I'm not cold. I'm not fearless. The Jean I build as an Anti-Jean to the one my father constructed is just as big of a lie as Reiner taking Christa to prom. Maybe I can be social. Could I even be romantic? What if I'm not the phantom of the opera, destined to watch others dance from the catacombs?
What if I have a dance of my own to perform?