It's hard to admit that things slid back into being slightly normal. I felt like I lived in the twilight zone or was shell shocked as I finished up and drove home on this weird version of autopilot that made me numb and awestruck to my core. I showered for a bit longer than normal. The hot water and steam seemed to wash away some unknown film or feeling that was dancing along my skin. My boxer covered body collapsed onto my bed and proceeded to get flash blinded by my phone. I cringed like some cave creature that was having a light shined on them for the first time. After my Sméagol face went away and my eyes adjusted I saw a Facebook notification. An invite? My thumb slid up, tapping on it to see what it was.
'Sasha's Surprise Roller Rink Party' I laughed into my pillow. Connie and Christa of course where behind this, that was no surprise at all. The guest list was extensive; Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Ymir, Christa, Reiner… There were some people I knew distantly too. Annie, Bert, Mina, Hitch… I was pretty tempted. I stared at the screen to confirm whether I was 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe'. It would be nice to see Armin. And I could internally gloat about Eren's secret. I did kind of owe Ymir. I smirked as I clicked 'maybe' and looked read the comments on the event.
'Sorry it's so last minute, we couldn't figure out what to do!' Christa's comment made my eyes jerk to the date. It was tomorrow, or rather, later today. I groaned as my face fell into my pillow. What the hell? I had never been super social my entire life but now I will be going two days without so much as breathing room to draw or play music or anything! It was a hassle to be honest. It was three in the morning and I suddenly felt my phone buzz and vibrate. Then the sound of Modest Mouse filled the air and I looked at the screen in confusion. Connie's dumb face was starring me down. He'd taken a picture with his face smashed against the glass and demanded we all use it as his contact picture. So I was half asleep, still wet, and cranky and this last air bender looking mother fucker was exploding out of my phone.
I answered with a groan.
"Alright walking dead, don't act like your asleep I just saw you on Facebook!" Connie said and I heard gunfire and stomping signaling he was still in PlayStation mode.
"Do you ever sleep or what?" I asked with a half smirk.
"Well, you see, a bunch of people on my destiny team are in from- well never mind dude just tell me you're coming…" Connie sounded anxious and happy in a sort of doubtful way.
"Yeah, I'll be there." Breathy and adjusting myself I stretched as I said it nonchalantly. It was no big deal. Right? I mean I could just forget about everything I saw. Act like I knew nothing about Armin and Reiner, Ymir and Christa, or even Eren.
"It's just you don't really ever want to hang with us all as a group…" He said and I heard him sigh softly then promptly crunch on something. Probably Dorito's. "I miss you when it's all of us, you know?" There was a silence. "Your one of my favorite people so I'm really happy your coming."
I smiled widely. Connie was such a sap sometimes. I can imagine it's hard for him in a way. He's so social and goes to every event and game…and me, his closest friend was always making him find ways to hang out one on one. I realized guiltily that he'd had to choose. I had been making him choose between our friends without knowing it for years. I would always back out or decline invites if it was more than three people. Connie had to pencil me in and make sure no one else was there pretty much every time we got together. "Well don't stress, I will be there for sure." I said softly, the weight of just how good of a friend Connie is settled warmly into my chest like some sweet scent.
You see, Connie lives with his mom. His dad is in prison and doesn't respond to Connie's letters. Connie still writes once a year though. Miss Springer was a thin, frail woman who did the best she could…but Connie still crashed at my place a lot. He was envious of the high ceilings, pool, extra rooms… We never talked about how poor he was, but I remember for three years in middle school he didn't get new shoes. I had a habit of 'breaking' my things and giving them to him. A PlayStation with a bad cord, a laptop with a virus, ect. My dad always just bought me new ones. I was able to convince Connie to let me buy him games and pay for his live accounts so that we could play them together. He'd fix and bandage and rig things thinking he was so clever and it let me provide for him without hurting his ego. Was this so different? I could kind of mend our friendships as a group and take the stress off of him having to juggle me into his life.
"What does Sasha want?" I asked curiously, trying to let this bromantic moment pass. This time, Connie groaned and I could feel frustration radiating off of him through the phone.
"A pony, a cake like a hobbit, a man size joint, to ride a unicorn, to see nirvana live…" I had to laugh. I could totally see Sasha giving him the run around about gifts. But I had a sneaking suspicion I knew what to get her.
"Taco Bell gift card, some random other shit and a big hug is what she's getting from me." I declared and Connie chuckled softly. We both knew she adored food, especially if it was free. The call wrapped up and soon I was lying on my back, starring at my ceiling wondering what tomorrow would hold. Can we say anxious but calm is a feeling? I was calm because I knew nothing catastrophic would go down. The level headed ones in our group would police it like little drama hall monitors. But I was anxious about how to approach certain people and what to say, how would I act? The usually nerves of social anxiety slid their tentacles around me and I flung my arm over my eyes and breathed. I wouldn't chicken out.
I couldn't. Connie needed me to be there. Sasha would be let down if I didn't. Plus I really, really wanted to see Armin. It's crazy, I know. I can't help that some hook was laid in my skin at the sight of him tonight. You can't choose who you're attracted to or the people that give you butterflies. That's what makes it special, but what also makes it scary. There is this hope to it, the flavor of new possibilities and adventure dances along your tongue like an exotic spice as you plan your next move. That's the tragedy of this though… I had no next move. A) Armin wouldn't like me, B) Armin was taken, C) I wouldn't be his type anyway and D) It was hopeless. The guillotine of reality severed the wings from the butterflies in my gut. I rolled onto my side, also rolling to a conveniently placed puddle of self-loathing and pity to wallow in.
I put on a simple black shirt with a symbol for a band I had been listening to a lot, Bring Me the Horizon. The symbol of small interlocking circles to make a larger circle has pissed my dad off "What are you now, Buddhist?" he had spat with venom. So it was a new favorite. Black jeans that hugged every inch of me and slid down into black boots finished it off. So I was bit cliché and unoriginal, but I didn't mind. I shaved absentmindedly. I was pretty good at not nicking myself. Eren and Marco always had little wads of toilet paper on their face in morning back in the day. I felt the corners of my mouth tighten at the memory of sharing this very mirror and sink with Marco.
Remembering someone is tricky. The memories make you happy, but then the joy is robbed by fact it's done. Over. Ended. The cold reality of the situation slams into you like a train and your left hollow once again. I looked to the man in the mirror and saw myself. Would Marco be proud of me? Would he still like me? In English class they had the writing prompt 'How would your eight year old self feel about who you are today?' I clicked my tongue and peered at the man looking back at me. I had dropped the ball. Massively, I had failed not only Marco, but myself.
I was fucked up with anxiety. I hated so many people, myself included. I was scared. I was rude, impatient, manipulative…. The thought of mom hit me. Jesus fucking Christ, mom would hate me. She was so warm and soft even up until the very end. I can remember her in the hospital still trying to smile and play with my hair from her bed. Even though the chemo made her hair fall out months ago, she still had these eyes that were stunning. Her round face and high cheeks made her look like a model. She died the summer before I started high school.
I needed to tap into the Jean from middle school. He was still an over opinionated ass, but he was open and laughed. That version of me was fearless and so intense and passionate. I took a rag and wiped the remnants of shaving cream from my face as I nodded, affirming the resolution I had made to my reflection. Hopefully I'd leave the fake Jean in the mirror when I walked off.
I went to the mall first and made a B line for a store called Pipe Dreams. It sold 'tobacco' accessories. And by that I mean pipes, bowls, bongs and such. Sure enough there was a good selection. I settled on an orange swirling bowl that had flecks of pink and layers of glitter. Then at Kroger I found a suitable teddy bear, gift bag and a $50 dollar Taco Bell gift card. Sitting in my car at the skating rink I arranged the gifts to where the bear was holding the bowl and the card. I didn't bother with a greeting card. Layers of tissue paper and a nod later I was pretty sure this would be like the best present ever.
I had a crazy idea. Pulling out my wallet and my phone I ordered six large pizzas, four two liters and 50 wings. I had never been so proud of the fact I had my credit card number memorized. I set the time for them to be delivered in an hour. That would allow for everyone to get here, right? I was patting myself on the back pretty vigorously when a knock at my window made my head jerk so fast it nearly fell the fuck off.
Leaning into view was broad shoulders, blonde hair and a flat nose, all belonging to Reiner. Peering from behind him was a blonde ponytail and bright eyes that of course meant Christa. I got out and locked my car as I turned to them. Was I too early? Did they not want me here? What was up with them staring at me?
"We got here at the same time! Want to help us decorate? Connie's bringing her in an hour." Christa said and I saw she had a plastic bin of streamers and paper plates. I nodded weakly and gave thumbs up. Reiner smiled and patted me on the back. His large hands reached from one shoulder blade to the other with ease.
"I'm half surprised you showed up." He said as we began to make our way into the pretty much empty building. "Not that I'm complaining, you always kind of made the party. You and that smart mouth of yours keep things interesting." He said as he smiled warmly at me.
"Thanks, I try." I said and it was really hard to admit but, Reiner pisses me off now. I mean here he is being as sweet as pie but when I look at him all I see are his hands running down Armin's legs. My gut turns and I feel my face flush a bit. "I ordered pizza and wings for everyone." I volunteer as I set the gift bad on the bench and walk to Christa as she unpacks a plastic table cloth that has kittens all over it. They look up and to each other, then back to me.
"Wow, thank you! With that and the cake Mikasa made, that should cover everyone." Christa said and silently I thought of the friends we had who would probably have not had the money to buy the seven ninety nine chili fries here. Armin and Connie were important to us. However something she said made me raise my eyebrow in surprise.
"Mikasa is into baking?" I asked and Reiner busted out laughing. Christa sighed and ran a hand over the back of her neck as she giggled nervously. "Bless her heart, she tries…" Christa said and Reiner butted in "Just for Pete's sake say its good. She is a little touchy." I couldn't help but to laugh at the image of Mikasa beating someone half to death over them criticizing her cooking.
It was nice to laugh and make little jokes like that. Soon the table was set, streamers were hung, skates were rented, (Christa knew everyone's shoe size) and not long after we finished it all a slightly confused Domino's guy appeared. The food was laid out, the three of our gifts sat on a table and it was ready. I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt confident and good. I had talked to people four a whole hour! I helped set up something fun for everyone and that made me happy on a level I couldn't describe. That's when the doors open and a line of people came in.
Annie, Bert, Mikasa, Mina, Eren, Hitch, and Armin all waltzed in and began to instantly comment on how good everything looked. I felt all bravado slide out of me as I saw Armin with his hair down, tight tan pants and a blue plaid shirt that matched those eyes… those eyes that were locked directly on me.
Panic attacks feel a lot like walking down stairs and missing a step. You know that terrified, gut dropping 'holy shit!' moment that can scare you so bad, it gives you chills? Imagine that slamming into you, stealing your breath and staying. Not a fleeting moment of fear followed by relief so strong you feel silly for being scared in the first place. No, this is toxic, crippling and tangible fear. My heart fucking hammered as my lungs forgot how to work for a second. I was going to freak out and make an ass of myself for sure. This was it! Here went what little social life I had. I got too greedy, like Icarus flying to close to the sun. Who was I to think I could change? That's when something touched my lower back. I turned to see Christa, her hands just above my pants.
She whispered "Ymir filled me in. Go have a smoke outside and calm down. She will be here soon. You're doing great and we are all so happy you're here Jean." I was relieved in a huge way. Someone knew…someone got it. I nodded feebly as I walked through the people, casually nodding and waving as they said hi. Mina tried to snag me for conversation but I told her I'd be right back. She always was clingy. The cool air hit me like a blast of sheer relief. I walked over to the brick wall and put my hands on my knees, letting my head hang a bit. When did I become suck a fucking basket case? Any teenager should love the idea of being with friends. This odd cycle of feeling anxious, then guilty for being anxious that only added to anxiety started. I just helplessly lit a cigarette as I sighed, letting the waves of panic wash over me and ebb away like the tide. It would stop eventually.
"I didn't think you'd show."
A voice called and I turned my head to see Eren. I rolled my eyes and laid the back of my head against the brick. "Sorry to disappoint." I said sarcastically and the brat kept walking closer. I breathed out smoke through my nose like an angry dragon.
"Oh cut the act, dipshit." He said I looked up to see a pretty pissy expression on his face. I was silent because there was really nothing I could say. He got close, not like sexual tension I wanna kiss you close, but close enough for this to be a private conversation. "You never come to these things. I don't know what changed…" He trailed off looking down before snapping his gaze back to me "But as glad as I am that you showed up, there are people here you don't really know. And you might find some things out that-" He took a breath "That will surprise you. Just don't be a dick about anything to anyone, okay?"
I smiled softly into the smoke that still lingered around my face. Christa, Reiner, Armin, himself… Eren was being a decent guy and trying to toss his weight around and threaten me to protect everyone. I hate to admit it but this made me respect him a bit more. "Relax Jaeger." I said and looked at him. "I'm cool with it…" Okay, I was a little shit and had to at least mess with him a bit. "I caught on to you liking guys years ago." I said as I shrugged.
The look on his face was priceless. Beyond priceless, it was like a friggin super nova collapsing in on itself. Shock, panic, confusion… I savored his reactions. "I have a well-equipped gaydar and I notice more than people think." I added and Eren was staring down, brow furrowed. I felt kind of bad for the guy. I mean sure, nearly half my friends were gay, but he still had to feel pretty alone. That's the thing about being different. Even when you are with others who are different too no one has the same combination of weird or fucked up as you. Every freak is still a freak even among the rest of the freaks.
"Only a couple of people know…" He said weakly and I reached out, punching his arm lightly.
"I got you." I shrugged as if it was no big deal. "I mean, I'm close with Ymir. Of course I'm cool with the whole gay scene." I said and still, Eren had puppy eyes like he was just so alone. It hit me he wasn't out. I had stolen something from him. He wasn't ready. How would I feel if someone called me out? I remembered how bad it messed with me last night when Levi called me out on Armin. Fuck. I was being a total dick, wasn't I? "I um…." I looked away. "I have been with guys too. I mean it's no big deal really."
Eren's face snapped up at me and one eyebrow was arched skeptically. Then it clicked on his face. He was remembering me and Marco being so close. Pity washed over him. "Oh shit." He said and the mosaic of pieces slid together in his eyes. It was like watching someone about to guess an answer you knew on jeopardy. "That's why you fell off of the face of the earth for a while…" He was talking to himself at this point. He ran a hand down his face. "I thought you were just thinking you were too good for us. I've been a total ass to you…"
I waved his remorse off like it was no big deal. Secretly though it meant more to me than he could ever know. Me and Eren used to be decently close. Kind of a double team of stubborn and sarcastic that was pretty fun to be honest. I realized it's not like Jaeger randomly became an ass. I changed, he reacted. I turned my head to him and saw that we were both realizing the same things about each other. He offered a soft smile and I returned it as I flicked ashes onto the sidewalk and brought the menthol back to my lips.
"The day, that… you know…" Eren said as he looked down. "I wanted to do something, anything… I had no clue how to process it myself let alone how to be there for you. You'd gone through so much that year already." He looked up at me, placing a hand on my arm. "I am so sorry for never asking if you were okay. I was so selfish."
I kept my eyes lowered. I wasn't ready for this. It was bad enough thinking about it, but knowing that Eren was remembering was a bit much. I shrugged "It's over and done with. All I can do is move on." I said and he nodded, removing his hand. Eren was never a bad guy, he just handles things in a fucked up way. If he can't fight it or fix it, he doesn't have a clue.
"Well, here I thought I'd find you too strangling each other." A voice called and I turned to see Armin walking up. Did he seriously come to check on us? I felt a spark of elation then realized he was probably way more concerned about Eren. Which was natural, they were best friends. He was upon us in no time, standing in front of me and Eren. I could have sworn he still smelled like Chanel. Turning to me he smiled lightly, "I am so glad to see you hear Jean." My heart jumped into my throat like it was trying to climb out.
"And I'm glad you're here." I said, my voice low and thick like molasses. What the fuck brain? Did I just break out a sexy voice? That was super flirtatious! I felt Eren stiffen and looked to see a raised eyebrow and frown. Fuck! "You always are cool to talk to." I added quickly as Armin blinked at me in surprise.
"T-thank you! I find you pretty great to talk to as well." His voice was light but raspy in a way that let you know he was a guy. It was a pretty cool combination. I felt a little like an idiot knowing I had full and well let this situation become thoroughly awkward.
Thank any holy thing above that Connie's faded pickup pulled up and I quickly stomped my cigarette and the three of us laughed and ran into the building announcing her arrival. Everyone sat down and tension filled the air. I saw a sloppy brown mountain of something like chocolate next to Mikasa. Annie, Bert, Reiner and Hitch were all off to themselves. The rest of us crammed at this long table. I looked around; realizing all of us hadn't been together like this in so long. I smiled like an idiot. It felt like home. I felt a tap on my shoulder and Eren tossed me a small canister. Silly string? He smiled like the devil and I looked around to see everyone had one. The bell on the door jingled and in came Sasha, her ponytail bouncing as she turned the corner with her arm locked with Connie's.
"SURPRISE!" Everyone yelled and she literally screamed, we had surprised her all right. Eren led the pack as we all followed, spraying her with this weird smelling multicolor rain of foam. Her and Connie gasped as we ran circles around them. At first their arms were raised in defense, but soon they accepted their fate and laughed. A voice pulled me out of my maniacal laughter. "Are you having fun Jean? Would it kill you to smile?!" I turned to see Ymir with a camcorder.
She must have snuck in. I shrugged although smiling. I laughed nervously, kind of not okay with being on camera. I looked up and said "This IS my happy face!" and turned my yellow can of spray on her. It turned into an all-out brawl! The teams were roughly Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Christa and I against Reiner, Annie, Bert, Ymir and the rest. I was fairly unscathed; Eren looked like a gay pride spaghetti monster. Armin was pretty wrecked too.
Suddenly I was knocked to the floor and I rolled over and looked up to see a string covered Sasha with wide eyes. "You came! I'm so surprised you left the house!" She said and I pushed myself up to lean on my arms as she flung her own arms around me. "Thank you, thank you, thank you…" I felt this weird softness bubble in my chest. I had been missed. My friends noticed me checking out and going all space cadet. They were happy I was here.
I patted her back half nervously as I spoke. "There's pizza, wings and cake." Her head snapped up and she was off of me in a split second as she ran to the food and opened each box to check the toppings. I watched with a grin until I saw a hand lower. Connie stood offering to help me up.
"She didn't break anything did she?" He asked crossing his arms as he laughed. Connie had this way of just being funny no matter what he said. This angry little air of comedy followed him everywhere and I really did treasure that about him. I let him pull me up as I dusted myself off.
"Just my pride…" I looked up to see a knowing gaze behind his eyes. Off to the side, Ymir was continuing her interviews with the guests. Music cut on as a very pissed off looking worker began to sweep up the foam.
The night would up as expected. We ate and ate. The gift unveiling nearly gave Sasha a heart attack. Everyone laughed at my gift but Sasha's enthusiastic thumbs up and bouncing in her seat was a great clue I'd done well. The cake was just as terrible as I expected. I literally had a piece of eggshell in mine. The anxiety came and went, but every time if flared I thought of Eren or Sasha saying how glad they were that I was here. For some reason that was like some kind of barrier I could put up. I still felt like people were staring or making fun of me behind my back at times.
I was talking to Connie and Eren about Titan fall when I felt a tug at my sleeve and turned to see dark pigtails and large brown eyes. Fuck. It was Mina. I let her drag me off to an area by a fountain. I could feel dread rising in my chest as she asked what was up.
"What do you mean what's up?" I asked with narrow eyes. She was a sweet girl. A bit of a ditz and she had a way of being involved in every episode of drama in our class, but I never held that against her.
"It's been three months since you talked to me last, we show up at the same party and you ignore me?" Her tone had a fire and venom to it that just made me sigh and lay my face in my hands. I looked back up to see her hand on her hip.
"I thought you understood it wasn't like a serious thing?" I asked and she folded her arms across her chest with a 'humph'. I felt a vibrate in my pocket and pulled out my phone, she laid her hand over the screen.
"Seriously?!" She exclaimed so loud I was paranoid people would look. "Look, I thought we had something…" She laid into some big speech about how she 'showed me her true self' and how I was 'leading her on'. This I knew was bullshit. I had been super clear. How could I shake her off of my back? I had to cut her off before she made some drama tornado. Then it hit me, me being a dick could cause my friends to turn on me. How would Armin think of me if she went around giving a sob story to make me look bad? What if she started making people choose between me and her? I had to give her a reason that would shut this up and squash it for once. My brain stuttered until it skimmed across a close to home, honest answer.
"Mina, I'm gay." I said coldly and she paused and blinked at me, her hands frozen in place where she was flailing them to accent her anger. Her hands went to her hips and she was silent for a bit. "I was using you to try to remind myself how I liked girls. I'm sorry." Okay, so now I was lying.
"You know…" She said as she sighed, a warm tone washing into her voice. "I kind of knew." I raised an eyebrow mentally calling bullshit. "You never looked at me during sex. Plus you always wanted me on my knees…" I mentally acknowledged it was because I didn't like her that much that I did that. But if this lie helped her confidence and kept the drama low, I'd agree to it. I nodded and looked away. That's when she hugged me. Her large amber eyes swam with some kind of weird pity and adoration that I didn't understand as she cupped my face. "It's okay, I'm here if you need me." God she was fucking crazy.
That's when Christa seized us and demanded it was time to skate. I took the escape rope without hesitation and I took my spot on a bench. I didn't know how to skate. Soon everyone went out onto the floor and began gliding and sliding around laughing and talking as they passed each other. Before I knew it, Reiner was sitting by me.
"I can't skate either." He said and I was a little shocked. Last night he looked pretty graceful. I laughed to myself a bit. That's when I saw him pull out his phone. I glimpsed the background and that changed everything. It was Amanda Hold, the drag queen from last night, kissing him on the cheek. I felt this explosion of relief and excitement hit me. I remembered Mina blocking my own phone and I pulled it out casually, partially because I needed to hide my expression from Reiner.
Armin Arlet: Hey How are you today?
I smiled at my phone as I typed with quick thumbs and a hazy, happy brain.
Me: I'm actually doing pretty wonderful.
I turned and asked Reiner about the current football season and for the first time in a long time, everything was sliding into place.