It had been three weeks since Clarke had left to battle with her guilt. Three weeks since the survivors of the Mountain battle had made their way back to Camp Jaha. Perhaps those weeks wouldn't have felt so long, been so draining, if Octavia had stayed. If his sister had still been around, he might have felt less alone, less burdened.
She might not have been the one who helped him kill all the men, women, and children in Mount Weather, but she was the main reason why he went through with that action. She was his responsibility, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for her.
He realized after his co-leader left that was how Clarke felt for all of their people, their former delinquents. How they had come to feeling this responsible in such a short time was beyond him. How they could be responsible for so much death at such a young age, when only a couple months before they were just living a numb existence on the Ark, also seemed beyond understanding. And yet, here they were.
Though he didn't want to bother her, Bellamy thought Octavia would be the best one to talk to about how he felt, about what he thought might work best for all those now living in Camp Jaha. First though, he had found Octavia in the medical bay, dragged her back to the dropship, and asked her to tell him about what had occurred while he was the inside man in the Mountain.
Strangely enough, though it made sense after, Lincoln did not go with them. He stayed behind with Abby and Jackson, offering advice on what plants could be used to help with fighting fevers and infections. He had given Octavia a small nod when she had signaled to Bellamy from across the room. Bellamy had been amazed by how easily they seemed to communicate without words. Clarke and he could do that sometimes, but that was because their co-leadership had been forged in the flames of 300 grounder warriors. What was his sister's relationship with Lincoln forged by? Was it strong enough to withstand the hardships they were still sure to face?
Still, being alone with Octavia without putting up a fight had been a gift, and she had revealed over the course of a full night all the high and low points of the last few days. Challenging a grounder warrior and getting her ass kicked. Finding Lincoln after he relapsed and punching some sense into him. The truth about the missile on Tondc. Becoming Indra's second and then loosing that position when she stayed behind for him.
All this and more was described in minute details, as if everything had been ingrained into Octavia's brain and she couldn't get it to stop weighing on her mind. The despair on her face, the tears she refused to let out, the scratches she was creating on her arm like a nervous tick, these were the reasons he didn't fight as hard as he wanted to when she told him Lincoln and her were going to leave Camp Jaha and recover on their own for a bit.
He only gave up trying to persuade her otherwise when she revealed where they were going and promised to meet with him briefly every seven days. His little sister seemed to have grown up more in the past couple weeks than in the 17 years before, and didn't that say something about the half-life he and his mom had trapped her in for so long.
He felt like he was losing control of his life, and yet, there were 37 teenagers who were looking to him for direction, for help getting through the horrors of war. Maybe having one person invested solely in Octavia's wellbeing wasn't such a bad way to go. He had trusted Lincoln with saving her from an arrow and Lincoln had proven trustworthy. Then he had betrayed him in the tunnels due to the drug. Now he knew Lincoln had given Cage the red instead of using it on himself, choosing finding Octavia and helping the Sky People over his own addiction.
Maybe this separation would be good for the Blake siblings.
At least that's what he told himself as he watched them walk away, hand in hand.
He was getting tired of seeing people he cared about walk away from him.