Chapter 18

Author's Note: SURPRISE! TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL! Please don't hate me after this chapter :3 It will all come full circle I promise! I hope you guys trust me lol

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**CARTMAN'S P.O.V**

I looked over at Kyle, who just kind of stood in front of the door. His eyes were very tired. I did my best to hide my concern, and leaned away from the window a bit. His hesitation was something I expected, but not to this extent.

"I don't want to go anywhere, Cartman." He finally said. "Now… if you don't mind, I'd like you to get out of my room. I'm tired."

I bit the inside of my cheek nervously, but allowed myself to scowl.

"I don't remember asking if you wanted to or not, Jew." I replied. He stared back at me in irritation and I sighed a bit to myself feeling slightly relieved at the sight of his usual annoyance. Good. I hadn't lost him completely.

"…What if my mom tries to check on me?" he asked in that same dead tone I hated. I rolled my eyes and pointed at the lock on his door. He raised his eyebrows and locked it as if in a trance.

"There you go. Was that so hard?" I teased, tilting my head to the side. "You'll be back before she even notices you're gone, ginger."

Kyle stared at the door for a few moments more and looked back unsurely. Against my better judgment, I reached out to him with an open hand while still leaning on the window sill. He stared at my hand as if it were about to bite him. I reached a little closer to him and he glanced at me with fear in his eyes. I held my breath and hoped that whatever little bit of faith he had in me hadn't faded away completely. He finally took my hand and let me pull him up on his bed right in front of the window. If I didn't know any better, I'd share the Jew and I actually shared a moment. I finally broke our staring contest and led him up to the window sill with me.

"A-Are you sure you know what you're doing, fatass?" Kyle asked nervously. I laughed a bit and shot him a side glance.

"Do you trust me?" I replied. He looked away at that, not answering. He noticed that our hands were still intertwined and let go, blushing furiously as he did.

"…Just bring me wherever." He muttered under his breath. I expertly jumped from his window sill to the tree branch right near us and climbed over a bit, jumping from the tree to the ground and landing silently. I looked up at him and couldn't help the goofy grin that was plastered on my face. He looked so impressed.

"What's the matter, Kahhhl?" I asked.

"Since when did you get so… agile?" he smirked a little. I shrugged.

"Years and years of practice, Jew. Come on. We haven't got all night." I responded. He looked from the window he was sitting on to the tree and gulped.

"I don't know if I… How did you do that?" he asked while standing up on the sill and keeping his balance. "It's so far away."

"It's not as far away as it looks." I said pointing at the branch I grabbed. "Just reach out and leap over."

He blinked a few times and looked at the tree from all different angles, as if trying to figure out an equation. I rolled my eyes again and sucked my teeth.

"This isn't fucking Calculus you stupid Jewrat. It's just a tree."

"Shut up Cartman!" he hissed, face reddening once more. I smirked.

So cute…

He finally managed to back up a bit and leap from the window to the branch. He laughed a bit to himself as he gripped the bark.

"H-Hey! I did it! That was easy!" he said confidently.

"I told you so asshole. Now jump down." I replied. He looked down and hugged the tree tightly, swallowing nervously. "Oh don't tell me you're afraid of heights. God what aren't you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid of heights fatass!" he retorted. "I just don't want to break my leg or something. That's really far down."

"Yeah but you're forgetting that I'm here." I chuckled and held out my arms. "I'm like a big safety net stupid."

"What?" he asked quietly.

"I'll catch you."

"No way."

"Just jump, Kahl." I growled impatiently.

"Yeah right! You'll just move at the last second and let me fall and laugh at me!" he spat. "I… I'm going back to my room."

"No you're not." I growled. "God damn it just fucking jump!"

"No!"

"Don't be a pussy, Kahl."

"I'm not a pussy you fat piece of shit!"

"Yeah-huh you are! If you don't jump that makes you a sand-filled vagina, Kahl."

"I don't have sand in my fucking vagina Cartman!"

"Then prove it you stupid fucking j-"

He growled under his breath loudly and jumped from the branch. I caught him of course. His weight felt like absolutely nothing as I secured him by hugging his waist the second he fell into my arms. He let out a high pitch yelp when he landed on me, wrapping his arms around my neck with his eyes squeezed shut. I smirked and let him down gently, steadying him. He let go of me and looked around a bit confused. I shot him a smug smile and he rubbed the back of his neck, turning a very light shade of pink.

"…Thanks… for not dropping me…" he muttered.

"WhatEVER." I chuckled and started walking up the block towards the town square, Kyle close behind me. "Remind me again how you got on that football team when you're that light and skinny."

He fidgeted uncomfortably and looked away.

"I uh… Well honestly I don't know. Coach says it's because I have a good throwing arm or whatever. And… I'm a decent runner I guess."

"When did you realize you wanted to play football, Jew?" I asked out of sheer curiosity. Kyle glanced over to the side and looked at me strangely. I returned the look, waiting for an answer.

"Well," he began. "I only begged my mom to let me try out because Stan was trying out. I was just as surprised as he was when I got in and he didn't. I was going to forget about it, but Stan convinced me to try it out while he tried to get on the baseball team. By the time he got in there, I realized how much I liked football."

"…Don't you get tired of getting tackled and beat up by the other bigger guys? Or is that what you're into?" I teased him with a wink, but it seemed to depress him. He stayed quiet as we climbed up a hill near the railroad tracks. "…I was just kidding, Kahl. Geez."

"…I know." He muttered, avoiding my gaze. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize asshole. You're such a girl sometimes." I replied. Kyle looked up as we walked into the trees and passed a sign.

"Starks Pond?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I usually come here when I want to think. Or be alone. It depends."

"…Then why bring me here?" Kyle asked. I bit my lip slightly, not ready to answer that quite yet.

"So why football?" I asked again, avoiding the question as we walked by the frozen pond and sat down on a dead patch of grass. Kyle shrugged, picking at a few stray blades of yellowing green.

"I guess I just… I like being recognized for something other than my grades. I kind of like the rush I get when I narrowly escape five huge players right before they can grab the ball from my hands. As for getting tackled, it's not pleasant at all, but I deal with it." He hugged his knees to his chest. "I'm not as frail as you think."

"Hmph. That I've got to see one day." I chuckled looking over to him. He looked back at me in surprise.

"…What?" he asked. I blushed a bit and looked away.

"Just let me know when your next game is when you know." I muttered under my breath. Kyle laughed to himself a bit.

"You're serious? …Why?"

"Just do it." I growled glaring at him. "You ask way too many stupid questions, kike."

"DON'T CALL ME A KIKE!" he yelled, squinting his eyes shut and balling his hands into fists. I smiled from ear to ear when he shoved me over, glad I could still get a rise out of him. When he moved, I noticed a tear in his pants on the knee and a pretty nasty scrape under it. I held my hands up in surrender.

"Alright alright Jesus tap dancing Christ Kahl." I replied. He locked eyes with me and I matched his glare, but pointed at his knee. "Was that your mom, or did you get tackled a bunch today?"

He looked down at his knee and cursed under his breath, covering it with his hand. I raised my eyebrow and he seemed to get nervous.

"I…" he began. "Yeah I got tackled a couple of times."

"Twelfth graders right? I hear you're the only tenth grader on the team. Am I right, Jew?" I asked. He sighed and shrugged again.

"There's some eleventh graders but… yeah for the most part there's twelfth graders." He replied. "It doesn't matter really."

"It matters if they've been bothering you." I said. He looked over.

"Don't be silly, fatass. I get tackled all the time. It's how you play the game… you know for the most part." He muttered and poked at the ground. He noticed me staring and looked up at me. "…What?"

'He's not telling you everything. I know he's not.'

I blinked a couple of times.

Thanks poor boy.

"You should tell me what happened at practice." I said. Kyle looked at me wide eyed and extremely flustered.

"N-Nothing happened at practice, Cartman."

"What happened after practice then? Did they make fun of you like the kids in school did or something?"

"Just drop it will you? Whatever happened doesn't matter." He growled stubbornly and looked away, shaking slightly. I felt a surge of determination swell in me and touched his arm gently. He flinched away from the gesture like my hand was burning his flesh through his jacket.

"…Kahl, it matters to me."

He shifted uncomfortably and looked over his shoulder a bit, glaring at me. I knew my gaze had warmth in it, and I didn't have the strength to make that warmth into a fake glare. Kyle noticed.

"…Cartman, don't." he almost whispered and looked into the distance. "I'm fine. I mean it."

"…Please tell me?" the words found their way through my lips without me really controlling them. Kyle stiffened for a moment and then relaxed, keeping his gaze forward.

"…I was in the showers and these two seniors, Marcus and Tyler, they heard the rumors going around in the school. They waited until everyone else was gone and tried to force me into a threesome." He said quietly. "…They let me go when I refused, but told me I'd pay for not doing what they wanted me to. I don't know what that means. …Listen fatass… I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but if you being nice to me is all a sick joke and you want to go tell everyone I almost had a threesome, then go right ahead."

I was speechless.

"…I'll fucking kill them."

Kenny you're dead. You can't kill anyone.

"Not for long!"

…But I could. …I'd have to make big plans for those two.

"I'm not going to tell anyone." I said quietly. He chuckled at that and leaned into my arm a bit, sitting back. I was startled at the sudden contact, but was happy about it nevertheless. I looked down at him, his face still fixated on the scenery in front of us.

"Whatever you say fatass." Kyle muttered and leaned his head against my shoulder. I felt myself blush and leaned back into him.

"…Yeah." I replied quietly. We sat there for a while, him looking out past the pond and me staring at him. I couldn't help but enjoy the smell of him which was just a few inches from my nose. I almost closed my eyes when Kyle broke the silence.

"…That's a tall cliff." He said absentmindedly, looking out at the cliff in the distance. I raised my eyebrow.

"Uh… Yeah I guess." I said. He blinked a few times as he stared out, his face blank. Almost dull. That look worried me. "…Kyle?"

He seemed to snap back into reality when I called his name and looked up at me. His green eyes were shining curiously.

Why can't I read his mind?

**KYLE'S P.O.V**

He said my name again. Not in his usual degrading manor… but the right way. Like, how it's supposed to be pronounced and everything.

Curse him for making me feel so…

"I brought you here so we could talk about that kiss." He said.

Shit.

"…What's there to talk about?" I replied, sitting up and instantly missing the warmth of his arm. "It's okay Cartman."

"…What do you mean it's "okay", Jew?" he asked, raising an eyebrow once more. I felt a deep sadness in my gut and looked at the pond.

"I don't care about it anymore." I lied. "…and if you're serious about being nicer to me, then be happy that I'm not upset about it. I know it was a joke, but… I'm willing to think of it like a stupid mistake instead."

He was silent behind me, taking in my words. I picked at my fingers.

"…the fuck are you talking about?" Cartman asked. "It wasn't a mistake."

I turned to face him and gave him a sad smile.

"This whole week has been a mistake, dude. I need to take a step back now and fix everything. Everything is changing now that we're growing up." I replied.

"You're damn right it is." He agreed. "But that doesn't mean I made a mistake that night."

"Well maybe you didn't, but I did Cartman." I said and stood up. "…I don't know what's been going on between us. Whether it started out as you messing with me and changed into something genuine or it still is you messing with me, I have to set things right."

Cartman stood up as well and blinked a few times.

"I don't know what Stan told you Jew, but he's fucking wrong. I care. I'm not fucking messing with you. I really care." He growled, very close to me. His breath was very inviting, but I stood my ground. I could fight this. This was controllable.

"…If you care, that's great. Friends are supposed to care about each other, Cartman. I'm glad you finally see that." I said, my throat growing dry. "I really am."

"Friends my fucking ass, Jewboy." He grabbed the front of my jacket and pulled me close. My heart skipped a beat, but I fought to keep my face emotionless. This was for acceptance, for my family's sake, and for my own dignity. I could see a flash of hurt in his eyes. "We were never friends, and we never will be friends. I fucking hate you and you fucking hate me!"

"That's fine too." I said quietly. I knew that pissed him off big time. The fist that was clutching the front of my jacket started to shake a bit. I watched him think of a response.

"…Stop acting like you don't care about this, Kahl. It's fucking bullshit!" he exclaimed, shaking me slightly. "You kissed me back!"

"It was a mistake."

"How can you say that?!"

"I was confused."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?!

"It was a reaction from stress and-"

"That's a bunch of excuses! You're gay you stupid asshole!"

"No I'm not." I said, eyes burning into Cartman's. He seemed taken aback at that and let go of me.

"…the fuck?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"I said I'm not gay. I'm just confused. You're the main reason why I'm so confused fatass, so just leave me alone for a while. It's for the best. If you really care, then prove it and just be my friend." I explained walking away. "Or just hate me and stay away from me. It's up to you. I don't care either way."

"You shut your god damn Jew mouth!" he snarled and grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving. He pulled me close and I held my breath. "You look me in the eyes right now and tell me you're not attracted to me. Do it. I fucking dare you."

His eyes burned into mine as I felt his face get closer and closer to me. At first I thought it was him, but I realized I was actually the one moving closer. Moses, I wanted this… I wanted him…

How can a feeling this strong and this amazing be bad?

I noticed how his eyes softened in response and just before our lips touched, I stopped. My hand pressed into his warm chest, gently pushing him back. We stayed like this for a while, my eyes closed as he breathed in and out unsteadily. He knew I couldn't say what he dared me to. He fought against my hand, but I was firm.

"You can't cure who you are." He said quietly. "Don't fight this Kahl…"

"Eric…" I whispered, opening my eyes. "I've made my decision. I'm sorry."

He let go of me and his eyes grew extremely dark.

"So am I." he muttered. I tore my eyes away from him and headed down the path, my thoughts never leaving his face. I bit my lip, tears stinging my eyes. That was way harder than I thought it was going to be. I had no idea how deeply I felt for him…

Feel for him…

God damn it NO! I'm not gay! I'm not.

I hurried back to my house and with a lot of effort snuck into my room once more. Closing the window, I lay on my bed for a while and stared at the ceiling. I had to stop thinking about him. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths in and out.

I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

'You can't cure who you are'

Notgaynotgaynotgaynotgaynotgay…

'Don't fight this Kahl…'

GOD DAMN IT SHUT THE FUCK UP THOUGHTS!

I jumped up from my bed and went into the bathroom. Maybe if I just cut myself once or twice… everything would stop being so horrible. Looking around, I realized everything sharp had been stripped from the room. That included: My glass shard, all the razors, every single pointed curtain hook, EVERYTHING ALL GONE.

…ERIC FUCKING CARTMAN.

I went back into my bedroom and paced back and forth. I needed to punch something! Kick something! Anything!

Just hold out until football practice. Then you can burn off the stress and it will all go away…

Maybe if I talk to the Rabbi tomorrow and Mom is satisfied with how the meeting goes… She'll let me go to football practice. And then everything will be okay. …Unless she has a heart attack by morning because she thinks I'm gay and she can't take any more of my bullshit… and all of it would be my fault.

Just like the divorce.

And Dad's drinking.

And Clyde's broken nose.

And My Mother was absolutely losing her mind

Because of me.

Sometimes I think everyone I love would be better off if I were dead…