Chapter 11
As Payson walked into the kitchen she though about what Kelly had said, tonight in the gym there had been a moment, a moment where she'd thought about that kiss and instead of guilt or embarrassment she felt the desire to do it again, Kelly was right, she might love Rigo but a part of her, deep down still had feelings for Sasha, she'd convinced herself they were gone and she'd been doing a pretty good job, but if Kelly of all people could see it then maybe she'd subconsciously allowed those feelings to dictate some of her behaviour repression and denial didn't cause them to go away after all. She'd always thought Sasha was good looking and he'd made her think he thought the same of her, when she kissed him for a brief second she'd thought he felt the same but then he'd pushed her away and she'd felt so ashamed and embarrassed he was a man who had Summer and Summer was so much prettier and more feminine than Payson and oh yeah she was way closer to Sasha's age, he probably saw Payson as more of a girl than a woman, and she'd run for it unable to believe what she'd done.
She'd talked to her mom and to Sasha and then she felt maybe it could be resolved and they could get past it as a silly teenage crush that would disappear over time, but then the picture and the video had come out and it had brought everything to the surface and it had taken everything Payson had to get through that, of course everyone saw her as the innocent victim taken advantage of by her much older coach and despite what she'd told him about trying to forgive herself a part of her would never be able to because her own stupidity had gotten the best of her, and like she said she'd broken her rule on that floor when she kissed him, could Kelly be right, could Sasha have and still share her feelings, he'd pushed her away but he was an honourable person and probably saw himself as taking advantage of her and that it was wrong, could Kelly be right? But if so then what would it mean, could it mean anything, she loved Rigo and he was amazing to her, he supported her, helped her, loved her, she'd given him everything and he'd give her the same, he was her first and he would always hold that place but really if she thought about it Sasha had come first, it had been the first time she let her feelings for a guy over rule anything else, and yes it had ended in disaster but a small part of her was glad she'd done it because like Kelly said, she'd kissed him and for that brief moment she'd had him.
Payson pours herself another shot an knocks it back.
She was so confused she and Rigo had been together over a year and she loved him, he was perfect in every single way, they lived together, when she went to sleep at night it wasn't her bed it was in their bed, the bed they shared, but she shared so much more with Sasha, she shared gymnastics, she shared the passion for it, the joy of coaching, the thrill of a gold medal, and he always understood her and she understood him, most of the time obviously they both had their off days but overall they were pretty in sync, but he was older and if anything did happen what would everyone else think, what would Rigo think that she'd been carrying on with Sasha behind his back, what would her parents say, I mean god he and her parents were friends, Jesus this was so screwed up and confusing, so she pours herself another shot and then another and the last thing she remembered was the sound of a glass hitting the floor before she fell into unconsciousness.
A/N Thank you so much for the reviews, I love writing its my stress reliever from the real world and my muse just won't shut up most of the time even when I'm in school the ideas keep coming, wish my revision worked the same way, anyway this was pretty much a chapter inside Payson's head and we've seen what happens to these gymnasts and alcohol with their low tolerance (Kaylie and the keg, got to say though hats off to doing a handstand while drunk) so the light is beginning to appear, now it'll just take some more arse kicking by Kelly because I love her character even when she was a raging bitch, freaks my mum out how I always like the mean/villain characters.
Sorry rant over enjoy and please review, I'm also open to suggestions if there's something from the show you wanted tied up that wasn't let me know and if it doesn't fit in this fic I'll have an excuse to write another :)