The Rainbow Vale
Author's Note: The flirting continues and Jason struggles with his inner demons. Enjoy.
I think I might have just scored myself a girlfriend. I'm not THAT arrogant to think the first girl I've met in a few months will just throw herself at me, but judging from the way she managed to swallow the fact I'm pretty much a playboy's Christmas puppy and therefore stupidly rich, she's not the gold-digging skank a lot of other girls in her position would be. And that is a good sign in my books. Maddie Prince seems genuinely interested in me as a person, something that doesn't usually happen when I drop Bruce's name into the conversation. Normally, without him even having to be within a hundred miles of me, all the topics of conversation become about Bruce Wayne. They want to know about his partying, his house and how it feels to have such an 'exceptional' man as my guardian. My interests get the cold shoulder. But Maddie's different; she couldn't care less about the big guy right now and neither could I. For once, I'm the centre of attention. There's definitely something going on between us and I love it. At the moment we're in a coffee shop round the corner from the station, sharing a pot of black coffee and chatting about nothing in particular.
Because of the heating in this place, I've taken off my coat. Although this tells her immediately I'm in fantastic, unbelievable shape, it also shows her some more of my bruises; blocking hard hits with your forearms for hours really smarts. She naturally asks how I got so banged up and I explain it all away on Mixed Martial Arts sparring sessions. It's close enough to the truth for her to accept it. I'm pretty sure she was leaning towards domestic abuse before that explanation, something nobody needs, least of all Bruce.
"So, do you get your ass kicked a lot when you're sparring?" She asks still not sounding totally convinced I'm telling the truth. Of course, the truth is that I don't really ever get my ass well and truly kicked on the streets. Ever since I rolled out of training and graduated to the mantle, nobody's ever floored me and got me to stay there, not once. Meanwhile I've put down more former professional boxers, thugs and hard-core tough guys than there are stars in the damn sky. If twenty guys kicked off with me right now, in this coffee shop, I could take them all. But I'm not going to tell Maddie that. It wouldn't impress her anyway. I can tell she's not into the chest-beating histrionics of macho men. So I give her a little humility.
"Sometimes I get my ass kicked, sometimes I kick theirs. It just depends how lucky you get on the night."
"So, what's the worst injury you've ever had from sparring?" My worst injury as Robin was actually a collection of twelve. I suffered two broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a broken nose, a fractured wrist, two broken fingers, three individual stab wounds, a partially fractured orbital socket and a concussion. And I still won. I dial it back and point to my face. Maddie raises her eyebrows and looks impressed.
"Pretty good effort. And the worst you've done to someone else?"
"I broke someone's nose once." Oh, and four of his ribs, and his jaw, knocked out two of his teeth, crushed his hand and traumatised his groin…repeatedly. "But it was an accident and I apologized." Like hell I did. I think I dared him to try and rape anyone in that condition and then planted him out cold. She likes that I claim it was an accident. She still doesn't believe me. She's sharp.
"You're not built to cause accidents, Jason. What happened, you go on roids or something? You used to be so skinny."
"I got a personal trainer. Well, Bruce hired me a personal trainer and they put me on a diet to get big."
"If only all of us could be so lucky."
"Ah, you're not that fat." Thank Christ she knows I'm joking about it; I don't need to turn another beautiful girl into a bulimic. She just rolls her eyes, smiles reluctantly and changes topic.
"So do you love it, being rich?" She asks me without any of the usual excitement other people show. I think Maddie understands that money means nothing where dead parents are concerned. I indicate my clothes and give her a half-hearted smile.
"What do you think?"
"I knew you wouldn't. Why else would you be hanging around train stations dressed like a hobo if you've got a mansion to go back to?" I guess it's that obvious to other people how much I hate the label of being privileged and wealthy. Maddie also knows there's more to it than meets the eye; I'm not just an ungrateful hypocrite with a low opinion of the richer members of this city but am more than willing to take their hand-outs. She grins at me. "But I bet you scrub up really well in your designer wardrobe." Oh, the flirting's being ratcheted up yet again. The funniest part of all this is that I guarantee I'm way more nervous than she is.
I haven't been with many people. Actually, scratch that; I've only been with TWO people in my whole life and one of them is Maddie. And I haven't actually closed the deal with her yet so she probably doesn't count. The other girl, Sarah, was my first. I lost my virginity back when I was fourteen. I was with Sarah for exactly six weeks and had sex with her exactly four times. When she figured out I couldn't get emotionally involved how she wanted me to be, Sarah just bailed on me. No goodbye, no tears and I'm guessing absolutely no regrets.
Emotionally involved means being able to feel a certain way about someone, especially when you're supposed to be romantically linked with them and I couldn't do it. And for once, my personality defects are nothing to do with Bruce or his training. Even though I liked Sarah, the sex was meaningless. It wasn't euphoric or intense or incredible or any of those things that make life and youth taste sweet; it was cold and I felt nothing you're supposed to feel afterwards. It was empty and hollow to me, a perfect reflection of what I'd taken in all those motel rooms and I felt closed off and detached from both it and her in exactly the same way as I did when I was twelve.
When I was a real little kid, my mom used to tell me bedtime stories. She did the standard repertoire of Goldilocks, pigs, wolves, girls with a serious thing for red and grandmas and of course dragons. I hated all that shit. So she made up her own to keep me interested. My favourite was one about a boy who lives in the city and wants to escape. One night, he sees a rainbow-striped cat and follows it to another land calls The Rainbow Vale. She described it as the happiest, most beautiful and lively place in the whole universe, populated by the most amazing and outlandish creatures. And the boy is very happy there, but knows he has to go back because of his parents. So he makes a choice between Rainbow Vale and the real world and he chooses the real world. I thought he was crazy, but very brave to turn down paradise. I pretty much did the same thing. I stopped being a kid and accepted reality. But, when it came to those motel rooms years later, I needed to escape again.
To cope with being raped for money took every shred of mental fortitude and courage I had. I had to convince myself that I didn't care, that it was just a business transaction and that my body was just a tool to close a deal and do a job. Then I remembered I was twelve years old and scared shitless of having some guy shove his dick up my ass. So I took a different tact and pretended I was in The Rainbow Vale and untouchable from the real world. And it worked. I took everything they had to give and I blocked it out. All the pain and the degradation, the threat of tears and the fear of rupturing something if it got rough, I beat it all down. I beat it down so bad it could only surface every few months instead of every moment of my life. All thanks to my mom and her fairy tales.
But, it turns out I trained my mind to switch off too well. With Sarah, I couldn't even pretend like I was enjoying it. I couldn't even muster a single groan of satisfaction at the act, before, during or after. And I hated doing that because she was so patient with me. It just made it worse when she left that I acted like she'd never existed at all. I haven't done anything but flirt with girls since then and it's only ever innocent at that. I'm afraid of doing it again. It's always at the back of my mind, every time I even see a girl. And beating criminals half to death every night without breaking a sweat or batting an eyelid doesn't help matters. It doesn't make me feel any better or worse about myself; it's just another job, another means to an end. I haven't enjoyed it for almost a year.
So right now, I'm scared of hurting her and of burying myself deeper inside my own body. When this relationship fails, not if but when, the fallout is going to be bad. I've taken the innocent flirting routine I developed as far as it can go without becoming more. This is the jump-off point for me, the time I make my excuses and leave. I don't want to shut myself down any further. I don't want to quit on women altogether, because of what I had to do to survive on the streets fucked me up for life, but I'm running short on options. Maddie's waiting for an answer to her theory. Do I scrub up well?
This isn't for us, Jay-Jay. If the world wanted us to be happy, we'd have seen something by now, ANYTHING. Romance isn't for us, it's just not. So get your ass up and walk away NOW, save yourself from falling any deeper into the abyss. All my internal defence mechanisms, the parts of my mind that keep me alive and functioning are screaming for me to go. They want me to sever this connection with another human being and run back to my crappy, lonesome life with a human statue and friendly butler as my sole companions. Maybe Jason Todd is done running. Maybe he's tired of the effort it takes to cut everyone off and keep himself safe. Maybe he wants to try…even if he fails spectacularly. Maybe, the reward is finally worth the risk, letting someone in is worth tempting fate and losing everything…
Don't be a fucking moron, Jay-Jay! YOU CAN'T WIN HERE! WALK THE FUCK AWAY! WALK THE…
"Maybe I can take you on a proper date and you can find out for yourself how well I scrub up." I say to take a flying leap into the unknown with my eyes closed; so what else is new? Maddie smiles back.
"I'd like that, Mr Billionaire; I'd like that very much."
Jesus, I'm confused; is this reality or have I just strayed back into the Vale? I'm just going to believe this is happening. This is going to be interesting…