Chapter 11: Back To The Start
I manage to pull one earbud out and scramble to my feet as Hikaru comes around the corner.
I see his face as he takes in the scene. His mouth drops open, literally, and his pupils dilate in fear. My stomach drops as I see his eyes fill with tears.
I'm so stupid.
He does care. He always has. I've just been too blind to see it. My fingers release the joint and it falls to the ground, still smoking.
"K-Kaoru?" Hikaru stammers.
"Hikaru." I whisper. "You followed me."
He doesn't contradict this, nor try to justify it. He just stands there with the saddest expression on his face.
"Oh my God, Kaoru..." He mumbles. "I knew you were acting different lately, but I didn't expect this. Jesus!"
"Hika..."
He rubs his forehead and leans against the wall of the school. I want to yell, to explain, to hug him or kiss him, do anything. But I don't.
"Why?" He whispers, but I get the feeling he's talking more to himself than me.
He suddenly pushes himself off the wall. "What the fuck, Kaoru?" He yells. I jump back a bit, startled at the outburst.
"What are you thinking? Why are you doing this? What's wrong with you?"
The last comment pisses me off a little. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is him. Because I love him. My sick, twisted destiny let me fall in love with my twin brother.
Hikaru's still muttering something to himself. I don't care what it is. My knees give way as my vision is clouded over by tears.
I sink to the ground, grabbing Hikaru's hand on the way down. A tear falls on his shoe. "Hikaru," I choke through my tears, "It's not me, it's you."
I look up, wipe my eyes, and see his face is part anger, part sorrow, and part confusion. I try to make this clearer.
"I wasn't planning on it. I was only gonna get a breath of fresh air. I just saw it sitting there, and I wasn't thinking clearly since I've been distressed lately, because-"
I cut myself off as Hikaru sits down beside me and hugs me. I rest my head on his shoulder and squeeze him, allowing myself to cry harder and harder. I think he's stroking my hair, and he's definitely saying something, but I can't hear much right now. Just the sound of the wind and my own sobs.
When at last I calm down, Hikaru's whole shoulder is wet. I pull away and wipe my eyes one last time. "I'm sorry..." I whisper.
"Kaoru." He says seriously. "If you want to talk to me, you know you can."
These words almost make me cry again. Instead, I hold his hand and say, "I'm so sorry, for making you worry about me. I promise this will never happen again. I... I just want to go back to the start."
He looks at our hands, our hands twined together. He squeezes, then pulls away. He walks over to the joint and crushes it with his foot, grinding it into the asphalt. He stomps it one last time, then walks over to me and holds out a hand. He helps me up and we walk off together.
"I love you." He whispers.
"Me too." I reply.