A/N: Hello! I know some of you were expecting the end for You Don't Know, and that will come in time, but this pretty much wrote itself. A few of you already know, but I'm currently expecting my second child. This pregnancy has been extremely rough, and I've been highly emotional, and this was borne from it. It's been a therapeutic and emotional ride, but I hope you like it. - Deni
Warnings: Character death - angst muffins - and a dose of the touchy feelies.
Title: Hope - Reflection of Myself
Word count: 8,736
Rating: T
Summary: Kakashi comes to terms with being a single parent.
Cast out into the hallway as a handful of medics pushed by him to enter the room, Kakashi could only stand there dumbfounded. As the door opened again he could hear Tsunade snapping out orders, but her voice seemed so far away in comparison to the flat beep that still pierced his ears. All this time he thought he had been living, but in that room his world really began to spin and then stop within the span of a few moments.
Why did he have to give her what she wanted? Why couldn't he have put his foot down and convince her that they weren't ready, that they'd always have another chance? Why did that look in her eyes then have so much power over him? Love really did change everything.
Love.
Staring at the door, he wanted to scoff. He never imagined he'd be here, in love, and with her of all people. It wasn't that it was bad, quite the opposite actually, but it was so unexpected... and even more so was the fact that he welcomed it. After all the loss and regret and guilt, Kakashi didn't believe he had anything left of himself to give - at least not anything worth a damn. But she had proven him so wrong.
Over time he felt himself giving in, becoming more comfortable and open, and enjoying things in life. Days and nights were molding into solid frames of time that he'd be more than content to live in for the rest of his days. For a few years, he had felt truly at peace, and then it was all disrupted the day she told him that she was pregnant. She had confessed to him once that she wanted a family one day, and he confessed that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted one. She smiled, and squeezed his shoulders, and told him that he'd make a great dad one day. He just hadn't expected that day to come a few months later. He had been so surprised, and overwhelmed - and scared - that he had told her to get rid of it.
All things given, he should've expected her incoming fist.
She didn't talk to him for days after that, even when he came around to apologize. He hadn't once considered that she was just as unprepared and scared as he had been until he caught her one day standing in just her underwear in front of the mirror - hands splayed on her stomach and tears coming down her face.
It had been a long time since he felt like the world's biggest asshole, but that was exactly how he felt at that moment. He had never apologized so profusely to anyone in his life as he did that day. He stayed by her side through everything - the mood swings, the morning sickness, and the odd cravings - assured that it was all worth it. As her belly began to swell and he could feel the fluttering movements she had been proclaiming to have felt for weeks, he truly believed that this could be one of the best times of his life. While the idea of being a father still scared him, he was looking forward to doing all the things his own father never did for him.
Yet when the sickness never eased and she could barely sleep and began throwing up blood, his concern gnawed away at him even more. As her due date approached, everyone was happy and enthusiastic and almost overbearing with offers to help. Her teammates and friends bantered with each other over who was to be called uncle or aunt, or who would get to teach which jutsu. It was such a perfect moment that no one could foresee the dreadful outcome.
Kakashi barely registered that anyone was speaking to him, let alone shaking him.
"Kaka-sensei! What's going on?" Naruto's frantic voice broke through his haze.
"They kicked me out."
"Is Sakura okay?"
The jounin couldn't look him in his deeply concerned blue depths and his voice seemed forced out of him. "I... I don't know."
Naruto spun away as Kakashi leaned back against the wall beside her door and then slid down to the floor. He ignored the people passing by and the medics that asked him to move to the waiting room. His former student took it upon himself to make it clear that neither of them were going anywhere.
Minutes felt like days before Tsunade finally emerged. Naruto was on her in an instant asking a thousand questions, and Kakashi felt guilty because he should've been the one doing that. Instead, he could only peer up at her from his spot on the floor behind the eager blond. The tired look on her face told him everything he needed to know and he dropped his head.
All it took was two words, the same two words that began every piece of bad news he had ever received over his entire life.
"I'm sorry-"
That was all he heard before fleeing in a puff of smoke.
Kakashi was... a wreck; it was the only way to describe the torrential hurricane of emotions battering his soul. He was so angry, but at who? Sakura for being so stubborn? Tsunade for not being able to help her? Himself for allowing it to happen, for not being able to save someone he loved - again? Why was he such a failure at everything? Why did everything he touch crumble? Why couldn't he hold onto just one good thing in his life? Was he simply not allowed happiness?
He felt so incredibly bitter that every breath felt foul in his lungs. He was shadowed by such grief that he did all he knew how to: fight out of it. At the training grounds, he released his fury and decimated everything he could. He wanted to show the mighty trees and sturdy rocks that they were just as fragile as he was, that they could be reduced to nothing, that they could be broken, just like him.
oOo
It wasn't hard to find him. All he had to do was follow the sounds of destruction and the spikes of chakra.
His tear-reddened eyes followed the head of a water dragon as it emerged from the trees, shredding their branches on its way. He'd seen this attack plenty of times - once or twice, really, but that was more than enough - and instead of crashing back down meaning to engulf the target, it burst in the sky.
Naruto continued on, stepping carefully over the debris. He stopped as he saw Kakashi lying there on the ground, chest heaving. The last time he had seen his sensei so distraught was during the last war. He squinted and looked up to the sky as he was splattered with water from the failed jutsu.
"What do you want, Naruto?"
The whiskered man winced; it was so unusual to hear such raw pain in his voice. "You left." When Kakashi said nothing, it only angered Naruto more. "How could you just leave?" he demanded.
There was no anger in Kakashi's voice, however, he just sounded utterly exhausted. "Don't raise your voice at me, and don't act as if you know what I'm going through."
"Then don't act like you're the only one in pain!" he snapped. "You and I both know that she understood the risks."
"Naruto, don't-"
"Don't what? Remind you that she wanted this?"
"Don't..."
"You know, Sakura told me one time that you didn't deserve to look so lonely. And it took me a while to get used to the idea of the two of you, but I've never seen her smile like that... And when she told me that she was having your kid, I didn't know whether I wanted to congratulate you or punch you in the face," he admitted.
The nostalgia of that day washed over the blond and it stung his eyes with fresh tears. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to keep his composure, so he continued with what he came to say. "That time that you had to rush her to the hospital, when I visited her, I asked her to reconsider having the baby."
It hurt him to admit that, but he had lost one teammate already and his friendship with the rosette had only grown and he didn't want to lose her, too. "She told me that you asked her the same thing, and that she wished we'd just understand. She said that the baby was proof that you loved each other, that there was a time that she knew what love meant because of you... and that no matter what, she knew that you'd never have to be lonely again."
"But she's gone," the broken man croaked out, not taking his eyes from the sky.
"And it hurts all of us," Naruto cried. "But a part of her still lives on... and none of us have to be lonely, especially you." He wiped at his eyes and ran a sleeved arm across his nose. "It's a boy by the way. You should go see your son."
Naruto turned and began to leave the shattered remains of the training grounds. "We're not going to let you do this alone," he called over his shoulder. "You've got all of us whether you like it or not."
oOo
That night, Kakashi snuck back into the hospital through the window of the delivery room where Sakura had been. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting when he entered. The bed was clean and freshly made with crisp white sheets. The monitors were all pushed back against the wall. The smell of antiseptic covered the scent of blood from before. It was hard to imagine that a life ended - and another began - in this very room just hours ago.
"I figured you'd come back," a quiet, but unmistakably sharp voice called out.
His body relaxed, but his soul tensed. "Tsunade-sama."
"Your little brat's been crying all night you know."
He winced, not at her words, but at what she was implying. He's been crying for someone; he's been crying for you. He swallowed thickly. "I want to see him."
She snorted. "I should make you wait until visiting hours tomorrow."
"But-!"
"But," she continued with a sigh. "I guess I should give you that right. Sakura would hate me if I kept you from him."
Her voice wavered at the end, and looking at her now, Kakashi could see that she wasn't the almighty Hokage. She was just a woman that had lost someone she considered much more than an apprentice. She took a deep breath and any sense of fragility was gone from her when she looked up at him. "Besides, maybe you can get him to be quiet."
She rose from the chair hidden in the shadows of the room, and that was when he noticed the bottle of sake in her hand. He was wise enough not to comment, and followed as she led the way. They passed the nursery and she explained that his wailing was keeping the other newborns awake and grumpy. They traveled to the opposite wing of the hospital and down the familiar path towards Sakura's office.
The closer they got, the more apparent the baby's cries became. They stopped outside the door and all the nerve he had built up began to crumble. What if he saw this kid and resented it because Sakura gave up her life for him? He didn't have much time to dwell on it because Tsunade opened the door and pushed him inside, closing up behind him.
Shizune looked up, startled and frazzled. "I'm so glad you're here! I can't get him to eat or to sleep, and I've tried all I can think of. You have to take him!"
Kakashi tried to protest - weakly - but Shizune began to hand him over. He cradled the boy in unsure arms, surprised at how something so small could be so loud.
"He's got a clean diaper and there's a bottle already made up," the medic explained in a hurry before making a break for the door.
Kakashi was terrified by the flailing limbs inside the bundle of blankets. What did he do? If Sakura was here he knew she'd be calm and smiling as she'd rock and cradle him against her.
Sakura. Maybe he shouldn't have come; this was just too hard - too hard to do without her. A loud wail, much louder than the sorrow he felt pulsing through him with each heavy beat of his heart, erupted from the baby's tiny mouth. His brow knit and he thought back on what Sakura would do, and he felt silly as he began to sway awkwardly back and forth.
"Ssh," he soothed. "You must be hungry and you can't eat if you're crying."
He let out a humorless laugh and reminded himself that the baby couldn't understand what he was saying. He began rocking his arms as he walked around the office, circling the desk to sit in Sakura's chair. He stared down at the squirming baby and his soft, slightly wrinkled pink skin. Fat tears were spilling from his clenched eyes as fingers circled and released patches of grey hair on his head.
Hesitantly, Kakashi lifted a hand and set it against his son's head, letting his thumb brush along the temple and the feathery hair there. "You must be wondering why you don't hear her voice anymore. You didn't get to really know her, but you're missing her, too, aren't you?"
There was a wheeze as the baby sucked in more air, the crying subsiding - marginally. Kakashi's lips dipped, but he continued to comfort the newborn with the gentle stroke of his thumb. "It's going to be hard for both of us... Your mother was so strong... she'd be disappointed if we gave up. So, work with me a little bit, okay?"
He couldn't believe that he was sitting there reasoning with his baby, but the more he talked the less he cried. So he talked about whatever he could: how Sakura had some of the best chakra control he had ever seen, that Naruto's mouth was a gateway to another dimension, how he hoped he'd grow up to like eggplant as much as he did, and about his favorite author whose books he may - or may not - be handed one day.
Kakashi felt like he had been talking for hours, but his son's screams and wails gave way to shuddering sobs, which ebbed into stuttering breaths and sniffles, and that was all worth it. Relieved, he reached over for another bottle, unscrewing the top with one hand. There was already formula measured out - thank goodness for that - and he added it to the water. After a quick, but thorough, shaking he offered it up, silently hoping the child would just eat something already.
With his eyes still closed, his mouth accepted the nipple of the bottle easily and Kakashi smiled down at him. "There you go."
Even though he hadn't eaten at all since being born, he consumed far less that Kakashi thought he would've. He set the bottle down and wiped some milk from him mouth. Yawning, he turned his gaze to the clock and was surprised to find it approaching three in the morning. He looked back down in his arms as the baby yawned, too.
He grinned a little. "You must be exhausted. I am, too... I haven't introduced myself to you properly yet. I'm sorry it took so long, but it's nice to meet you. I'm your father."
It was most likely sheer coincidence, but Kakashi would always remember this moment. A tiny hand wrapped around his ring finger and squeezed with some impressive baby strength before he finally opened his eyes. Kakashi Hatake gasped in awe at how amazing, brilliant, and beautiful his green eyes were.
oOo
Early the next morning, the door to Sakura's office opened and Shizune stuck her head in. There were circles under her eyes, testament to the fact that she hadn't gotten much sleep, but nothing could cloak the happiness she felt at what she saw.
Kakashi was leant back in the chair, his feet propped up on the desk, his son cradled in his arms - both of them sound asleep.
Tsunade smiled behind her. "Trust Naruto to say the right thing."
"I'm glad he did," Shizune muttered before covering a yawn.
"Can you two be quieter? Do you know how long it took me to get him to sleep?" Kakashi asked, voice thick with sleep.
Tsunade nudged her assistant inside and then followed. "But the important thing is that you did it."
He nodded slowly. "I never got to ask, but what's his name?"
Shizune looked nervous as she turned to her mentor who only offered a sad smile. "Sakura didn't get to name him."
Kakashi glanced back down at the sleeping baby and for a moment he remembered a night where Sakura was pressed against him as they laid in bed. He had his arm over her, hand resting on the top of her belly. She looked over at him and asked, "If it's a girl, how do you like the name Kasumi?"
"It's pretty. And if it's a boy?"
She smiled. "Well..."
"Well, are you going to name him? Tsunade asked. "He needs something on his birth certificate."
"Ryusei." He looked at the sleeping boy and nodded as he thought of Sakura's request. "Hatake Ryusei."
oOo
It was difficult returning to the home he had shared with Sakura. When her water broke, it had been so sudden that the lunch they had been sharing was still abandoned at the table. The book she had been reading still remained open where she left off. It was like the last moment of their life together was there, frozen in time.
Lying Ryusei down in the basinet, Kakashi shuffled over and closed the book before picking up the dishes and clearing the food away. They were the last things in the house that she had touched. As he set them in the sink, careful not to wake the baby, it was difficult to imagine she'd never be sitting there with him again.
A sob tried to choke its way out, but Kakashi gripped the counter - knuckles white - and forced it back down. He couldn't cry, not anymore. He needed to be strong; he had a reason to be.
A high-pitched whine caused his head to snap around and he hurried over to pick up his son. "Hey, hey," he whispered. "We're home now."
Kakashi walked around the small apartment, showing and telling him about every room. Just like before, his voice seemed to have a calming effect and by the time they reached the bedroom, Ryusei had quieted down and was looking sleepy again. After last night, Kakashi couldn't agree more that sleep sounded wonderful.
oOo
After one month of being a father, Kakashi had never felt so sleep deprived - and he had spent days at a time awake in the field. He had spent time with plenty of cocky genin, but never had he ever felt so frustrated and on the verge of pulling out his hair.
He could barely keep his eyes open as he rocked his son, a warm bottle in his hand. "Just take the damn bottle," he groaned. "Don't be such a pain for daddy - daddy needs sleep or he gets really cranky."
But his son continued to turn his head away, wailing and waving his arms.
Kakashi ripped his mask away. "Why won't you eat? It's good, see?" He put the bottle to his mouth and instantly gagged. He coughed as he looked at the bottle in disgust. Babies were supposed to drink this?
A touch to his chin caught his attention and the cries began to subside. He lifted his son a little higher and let him grab at his face. He walked back over to the bed and sat before trying the bottle with him again. Ryusei accepted it without a fuss and Kakashi sighed. He sat back and dozed off without realizing it.
He'd wake in the morning to a still sleeping boy and a milk-soaked shirt
Naruto kept his word and stopped by numerous times, especially in the first couple months. It drove Kakashi crazy at first, but he was thankful. It really helped to have someone else around to feed and change Ryusei, even though he'd never say it aloud. Catching extra sleep - even if it was just thirty minutes - was miraculous. There were other visitors, too: Ino, Tsunade, Sai, Tenzou, Hinata, and even Gai a couple of times.
The one person he hadn't really expected to come knocking was Kurenai, but she did. She cuddled Ryusei, and tickled his face, and helped with feeding. When he went down for a nap, she sat and drank tea with Kakashi. Her true intentions came out then as she offered up a smile and asked, "How are you holding up?"
He shifted uncomfortably and sipped his drink before replying, "I'm here."
She reached across the table and set her hand over his. "It gets easier. Luckily, for us hardened shinobi, we've got people that look out for us. You've got amazing friends, and we care about you and that little boy."
He took in a deep breath and looked to where said boy was sleeping. "I just wish she was here."
"If she was, she'd tell you that you're doing a great job."
He took another sip of his drink to swallow down the rising sadness. "I don't feel like I am sometimes," he admitted.
She squeezed his fingers and he looked up to see her smiling. "But that's how you know you are. You should get some rest while you can; besides I've got to pick up Asuko from the academy."
"Tell her I said hello."
"You should come over and tell her yourself," she said as she rose from the table. "And bring Ryusei. She wants to meet him."
"I will. Thank you, Kurenai."
oOo
It did get easier. Ryusei settled into a steady sleep schedule and Kakashi felt less like a bear disturbed during hibernation and more like himself again. Soon, his son was taking more than bottles and enjoying making a mess of fruit purees. Sitting up evolved into scooting and soon he was crawling about, curious of everything he could reach. Kakashi would never forget the horrific sight of finding Ryusei with the first edition of Icha Icha in his mouth, drool spilling down the cover, and crumpled pages scattered about.
When his son was about ten months old, Kakashi would sit on the floor with him and stack blocks just so he could knock them down and laugh. It was worth doing it again and again to hear that innocent ring of happiness. They could do that for what felt like hours, and though Kakashi had been used to filling his time with training and reading, he was more than content to be here instead.
When Ryusei quit knocking the block towers down and began pouting, his father knew exactly what he wanted. He leaned down to look at his little face. "Hungry?"
The boy nodded, eyes brightening, and Kakashi grinned. "Alright, let's get you something."
Tiny fingers grabbed him and he paused. "What is it?"
Ryusei's green eyes were big and held him still as he stared. His mouth opened and closed as he scooted closer, babbling sounds before he pulled himself into his lap. Kakashi just watched patiently, curious to what he was trying to accomplish. He didn't move when little hands curled into his mask because revealing his face was something Ryusei loved to do - especially when he would surprise him with a silly expression.
The fabric was yanked down and two small warm palms pressed to his jaw. Kakashi met his son's gaze and ever so confident, the boy smiled a chubby smile and proudly proclaimed, "Daddy!"
Kakashi wrapped his arms around him, hugging him close and hiding the sudden sting of tears. Whoever would've thought that one simple word could ever melt the Copy Nin.
The boy squirmed in his hold and Kakashi pulled back with a smile. "Right, food! Let's eat."
oOo
The following month, Kakashi was sitting at the table poring over maps as he strategized where to put new outposts. Oomphs and grunts piqued his attention after some time and he looked over to see Ryusei trying to pull himself onto his feet with aid from the couch. Every time he made it to his feet and took a wobbly step, he'd fall, but he never lost that determination.
Maps and scrolls were forgotten as the ninja watched on, silently encouraging him, too afraid to say anything aloud as it may ruin his concentration. With an angry growl, Ryusei pulled himself up again, tiny fists clenching the cushion. After a moment he pulled his hands away and took a step. Kakashi's brow creased, worried he may fall again, but when he didn't the ninja stood from the table. Ryusei took another step and then another, and another, before laughing happily as if saying 'I did it! Take that gravity!'
Kakashi stepped forward and knelt down and his son paused as if he knew he was being watched. He turned and smiled bigger and reached out his hands. "Daddy!"
He held open his arms and Ryusei walked into them. This child never ceased to amaze him.
Before Kakashi knew it, birthdays had passed and Ryusei began running and jumping and picking up bad eating habits from Naruto. His vocabulary leapt from a couple words to dozens, then to hundreds, and then thousands. He was so open, and honest, and so damn curious about everything.
When Ryusei turned five he gave Kakashi quite a shock. "Dad! Dad, come look!" he yelled.
Kakashi opened the door to his son's bedroom, but didn't see anything other than some toys scattered about. "Ryusei?"
"Look up! See what I can do?"
Kakashi didn't know whether to be horrified or impressed to see his son crawling on the ceiling.
There was no stopping the boy then; he definitely had it in him - the spirit of a ninja. Kakashi taught him the basics of chakra and identifying weapons, and Ryusei soaked it all up, eager to learn even more. So, Kakashi enrolled him in the Academy.
Iruka couldn't believe it when they walked in. Ryusei yelled a bye over his shoulder before running to find a seat. Umino walked over to his old friend and leant against the wall. "I never thought the day would come when I'd teach one of your kids."
Kakashi watched as his son introduced himself and sat with a group of boys. "Me neither."
"He'll do great."
"I know."
oOo
One day, during Ryusei's second year at school, Kakashi came home to find his son in the bathroom combing his hair over in vain. His lips were downturned and his eyes were red. He huffed as nothing he did seemed to keep his hair in place.
"What are you doing?" Kakashi asked.
The boy grunted as he threw the comb, letting it bounce into the sink. "I hate it!"
"Hate what?"
"This big old dome," he exclaimed, jabbing himself in the forehead. "Even the girls make fun of it."
The Copy Nin didn't mean to, but he laughed; it reminded him so much of Sakura.
Small hands pushed on his stomach. "Get out!"
"Ryusei..." It was then that he noticed his eyes were filling with tears.
"You're not supposed to laugh at me, too! Get out!" he yelled as he pushed him harder.
Kakashi sighed and picked him up - amidst the protests - and carried him out. He set the squirming boy on the couch and sat next to him. "It's just a forehead."
"But it's my forehead! They say it's so big that Iruka-sensei could write his lessons on it!"
Kakashi kept his laughter in check this time and he put his hand atop is head and ruffled his hair. "Sorry, kid, but you got that from your mom. You know, people used to tease her, too; she was called Billboard Brow."
Ryusei groaned in horror. "Great."
"Don't worry, you'll grow into it. Your mother did."
The boy brought his hand up to cover his forehead and then sighed. "When? When will I... grow into it?"
"When it's time for you to. Besides, you need some place to store all that knowledge."
The child deadpanned. "Not funny."
Kakashi grinned and they sat in silence for a moment. Ryusei looked up at him and asked his next question with some hesitation. "What was Mom like?"
The jounin took a deep breath to cushion the ache that came with the swell of memories. "She was... incredibly intelligent, feisty and temperamental, but she had a good heart. She was dedicated and loyal, a great student and an even better medic. She was warm and caring... and much better at these things than I am."
"Do you have any pictures of her when she was my age?"
"Let me look," Kakashi said as he stood. He made his way to the bedroom and opened the closet. There was a box in the back where he kept some of Sakura's belongings. A striped pastel-colored album rested on one side and he picked it up. Thumbing through it, he joined his son again. He turned the album around and handed it to him.
Ryusei studied the photo there; it was of Sakura and Ino when they were in the Academy, flowers in hand. He sighed and turned a page, his expression growing sadder.
"Are you alright?"
He closed the album. "Her head's so big! I'm doomed," he said, exasperated and in a dramatic fashion.
Kakashi only chuckled. "It could be worse."
"How?"
"You could have pink hair."
Ryusei shot up, wide-eyed as the thought hadn't occurred to him. "I'm so glad I have your hair."
oOo
As more time passed and Ryusei got older, Kakashi began taking missions that had him gone for longer than a day or two at a time. He had saved a small fortune by skipping on bills and living off the basic necessities - and the pay that came with all those early S-ranked missions was quite generous. But raising a kid was more expensive that he thought, and Kakashi preferred having a cushion for just in case matters.
He never thought that kind of just in case scenario could've potentially happened so soon.
It hurt as he opened his eyes to bright fluorescents. There was a heavy pain in his chest and discomfort in his left hand. The unquestionable scent of antiseptic filled his nose with every breath and he knew exactly where he was.
The door opened and he turned to see Ryusei standing there, unmoving. He wanted to show him that he was okay, so he lifted his hand in greeting even though it felt like a rock. "Hey..."
Ryusei didn't reply, just continued to stare with his hands balled up at his sides. His brows were knit together, jaw clenched.
"I'm okay, Ryu-"
"But Noboru said that you might not wake up!"
"Well, I'm awake," he assured.
"And they said that next time you might be like Amaya's dad... and not come back home at all!" Ryusei was visibly shaking now as he gulped for air to try to keep the tears at bay.
"That won't happen," Kakashi whispered. "Come here."
His son shook his head. "But it could! Don't lie!"
Seeing him like that made his chest ache from more than just the injury. "I'm sorry, you're right. Please come here, Ryusei."
He took a heavy step forward, and then another, before it became too much. He ran to his father's bedside and threw himself on him. Kakashi did what he could to keep from grunting in pain, but there was no denying the hurt he felt at his son's tears that gradually began to soak through his bandages.
"You can't leave me like that," he sobbed.
Kakashi lifted his other hand, mindful of the IV, and curled it around his son's neck in a comforting gesture. He knew all too well what it was like to be left alone, and he closed his eyes actually feeling guilty for almost doing it to his son. "What am I, Ryusei?"
"What?"
"What am I? What are you training to become?"
"A ninja, but-!"
"Being a ninja is about more than walking on water, learning jutsu, and proper weapon technique. What we do is dangerous."
"I know that," he mumbled, defeated, into his chest.
"And sometimes we don't choose this life, it chooses us. But either way we accept it proudly and do our best because doing so protects our way of life. We protect our nation, our village, and the people inside it that we care about, and for those that depend on us."
"Ryusei picked himself up and stared him right in the face. "I depend on you. What am I supposed to do if... if..." His head dropped and more tears slipped from his face. His voice was weak when he spoke again. "Don't leave me."
Kakashi was aware of the presence of the other two, and he looked back at the door. He looked at Naruto and his eyes that said he was just as touched by the kid's plea, and then to Tsunade's stern glare. He pulled Ryusei closer to him and placed a chaste kiss on his head. "I won't... I'll try even harder next time."
Tsunade stepped in. "I've got to look your dad over. You can come back and see him in a little while."
Then, it was Naruto's turn; he walked over to the bed and put his hand on Ryusei's shoulder. "I told you he'd be okay. Why don't we go get some ramen and I'll buy you some comics when we're done?"
"I guess," he replied with a sniffle.
"And then you can read them to your dad when you get back!"
Kakashi tried protesting. "Oh, that's okay, really..."
But Naruto would have none of it, and as he wiped the tears from Ryusei's face, he assured him, "Your dad's a man of literature. He'd love to listen to you tell a story."
"Would you, really?"
Looking at his hopeful face, and after what he had put him through, Kakashi could only nod. "Yeah, I'd like that."
Ryuseit turned to see Naruto's grinning face and then nodded. "Okay, let's go ojisan. Take care of him, Tsunade baa-chan."
"Quit calling me that," she growled, though it held no venom.
Naruto lead him out and then shut the door behind them. The heat in Tsunade's glare burned brighter and then fizzled out as she picked up his chart. The silence was unlike her.
"Give it to me and get it over with," he said flatly.
"There is no getting it over with anymore. That boy was scared - terrified - of losing you."
"What do you want me to do then, retire?"
"Nonsense. You're still one of my best and I can't afford not to have you. But even so, the consequence is much greater for him. Sakura gave her life for that child, trusting that you'd raise him right and love him enough for her. I'll be damned if he loses you, too. You're all he has."
"That's not true-"
"But he'll never have another father! That boy would rather have you than everyone else in the village combined. You'd be wise to remember that."
And remember he did. Once he was okayed to return to the field, he passed up missions above a B-rank to lower the risk. Coming home to a smiling Ryusei was better ten-fold than waking up to a crying one.
oOo
As you get older, there are moments that time seems to slow down. Even though Kakashi knew that time was constant, there weren't many benchmarks left in his life to measure it by. It was only when he looked at Ryusei that he became aware of just how much time was passing.
At the tender age of twelve Ryusei graduated from the Academy and became a full-fledged genin. Nothing made Kakashi happier than seeing that look of accomplishment on his face. After the ceremony, he waited outside with the other parents for him. He couldn't help but smile as he came running out, the hitai-ate glistening in the late afternoon sun.
He pointed toward it as he came to a stop in front of him. "It covers my forehead! It's perfect!" Ryusei announced.
Kakashi reached out and ruffled his hair. "It looks great."
"Dad, quit it... everyone's looking," he murmured as he swatted at the offending hand.
"You just think they are."
"Nice hair, Ryu," a passing boy teased.
Ryusei glared at his dad as he began to fix it, but Kakashi only shrugged. A trio of girls began to approach and Ryusei turned a pleading eye to him. "Please, don't embarrass me."
"How about I just leave you to it?"
Kakashi heard the girls call out as he walked away, internally cringing at the thought of having the talk with his son. Two of the girls pushed the one in the middle forward, and even from a distance he could see the blush painting her cheeks as she handed over a card. He was proud to see his son play it cool and a few minutes later, Ryusei was waving bye to them and then walking his way.
Kakashi walked beside him as they left the Academy grounds. "So, what would you like for dinner?"
Ryusei shrugged. "I'm not that hungry."
"Well, you can pick when you're ready. It can be anywhere you want."
"Anywhere?"
He nodded. "It's not every year your birthday and graduation coincide."
His son blushed a little. "Iruka-sensei says we'll get divided into cells and meet our jounin leader in a few days."
"Excited?"
"Yeah, but I'm nervous, too."
Kakashi looked down at him. "And why is that?"
"What if he's some creepy hard-ass? What is he doesn't like me? Why does the jounin get to decide if we're chunin exam material? Can't we take more classes?"
"Because this is where you get to apply everything you've learned. Classes are great, but nothing beats experience. You've shown that you're smart and you know the material, but now it's time to prove it. You can react in a split second in a textbook problem, but you've got to be able not to freeze up in a real situation. And if your jounin sensei doesn't like you right away, just give it time. I didn't like my genin students at first, but they really amazed me and we grew stronger together."
Ryusei pursed his lips in thought, as if he was still unsure, but he seemed to be pleased with his father's response. "I guess so."
Kakashi slipped out of his zori as he entered their home, Ryusei following suit.
"I've got something for you; it's a graduation present."
Emerald eyes lit up. "Really?"
He produced a blue box and held it out for his son to take with eager hands. Inside the box was a weapons pouch, a little worn so it obviously wasn't new.
"It belonged to your mom," he explained.
Ryusei smiled softly. "Thank you."
"There's more, and I promise they're very new and very sharp. You're going to need more than practice shuriken," Kakashi explained as he watched him open the new weapon set. "You're a ninja now, and you deserve tools befitting one."
"Thanks, Dad!"
"You're welcome." Kakashi clapped his hands together then. "Alright! So, what do you want to do for your birthday?"
"Actually... you know Chouma, the Akimichi kid in my class? He's one of the younger graduates and his parents are throwing a party to celebrate. He invited me and I really, really want to go."
"But we have a tradition."
"Yeah, but the entire graduating class is going! I can't be the only one that doesn't show up."
"And I'm not saying you have to be, but this is what you call a compromise. We do our tradition first, and then you can go."
Ryusei dropped his gift on the table, frustration etched on his face. "But I'll miss out! And... I hate our tradition anyway. Why do we have to do it?"
His confession was a shock to Kakashi, but since he wanted to know, he'd tell him. "Because it was something your mom talked about doing for you every year, that's why."
"Yeah, but she's not here, is she?"
It was a rare occasion that Ryusei could make his father mad, but he was treading on thin ice. "Hey, watch it!" he warned.
"Or what?" the boy challenged.
"Or there'll be no compromise at all, that means no party and straight to bed with you."
"But that's not fair!" he yelled. "I didn't even know her and she's ruining my life!"
The slap that followed stung even more in the silence. Kakashi hadn't even been aware that his hand had moved until it was too late. As a parent that had never really struck his child before, he felt bad, but the ungrateful remark just pushed him and he snapped - as pathetic of an excuse as it was.
"Don't you dare talk about her that way! You may not have known her, but she was your mother and she gave life to you."
Ryusei stood there, dumbfounded, hand cradling the cheek and eyes downcast. Kakashi took a deep breath to stop his trembling fingers. "Go to your room. You don't want to do our tradition then fine, we won't. But you can forget joining your friends."
"But-"
"I don't want to hear it, Ryusei! Go. Now," he ordered as he closed his eyes, but it only took three words to snap them open again. They were said softly, but laced with poison.
"I hate you."
Kakashi turned and looked at his son and the fire blazing in his green depths. Beyond the anger he saw there, laid mountains of hurt. Ryusei stormed by him, went straight to his room, and slammed the door.
"Damn it," Kakashi muttered with a sigh and sat at the table, deflated, resting his head in his hands.
Hours later, after the sun had set and the jounin believed they'd had ample time to cool down and gather thoughts, he made his way to Ryusei's door. He knocked, but there was no reply. He couldn't really blame the kid - he'd be pissed at him, too.
He knocked again anyway, and rested his head on the door when there was still no answer. "Ryusei, listen, I shouldn't have done that. I let my emotions get the better of me and I lashed out at you when I shouldn't have. It was out of line, and for that I'm sorry. There... are some things we need to talk about - about your mom - but not tonight. I was being selfish myself, and it's a big day for you and I didn't think about how you might have felt. You should go be with your classmates."
When there was still no reply, not a single sound or shuffle, Kakashi opened the door. A single desk lamp was on illuminating Ryusei's still form on the bed. A light snore was all that welcomed him. The jounin entered and picked the blanket up from the foot of the bed and covered him up. He rested his hand on the side of Ryusei's head, thumbing his hair as he did all those years ago.
"I'm sorry," he whispered before turning around and leaving, the door barely making a sound as he did so.
Ryusei opened his eyes, fingers curling around the blanket. There were no words to describe how shocked and hurt he had been when his father hit him. He had never done it before. He wanted to tell him that he was sorry, too, but he was just still so angry. He heard the front door close and sat up. Where was his dad going? He saw his shadow pass by outside and he got up to peek. Now, he was really curious. He pushed his feet into an extra pair of zori he kept under his bed and then pushed open his window. If he didn't start trailing him now, he'd never be able to find out what he was up to.
Ryusei stalked him across the village, staying in the shadows. Some might call what he was doing spying, but like his father told him: nothing beats experience. He frowned as they neared the cemetery. Why was he coming here of all places? Guilt stabbed at him then. He knew his dad was still probably upset, but what could he say? It was hard to love someone you never met, even if it had been his mom.
Ryusei ducked and hurried over to crouch behind a monument. He was close enough to see and hear his dad, so he knew he could be seen as well if he wasn't careful. He rested against the back of the monument, waiting for his dad to do something other than just stand there. The boy closed his eyes as the wind washed over him and he brought his knees up to his chest. He felt strange just sitting there, but the curiosity outweighed anything else. He'd wait all night if he had to, but he didn't.
"Ryusei turned twelve today."
Said boy perked up at hearing not just his dad's voice, but his name.
"He also graduated today - a genin at twelve just like you." Kakashi sighed. "For the first time in a long time, I feel like I don't have a damn clue about what I'm doing. I just wish I knew if I was doing something - anything - right. If you were here..."
Ryusei held his breath as he poked his head out, just enough to see. His dad was standing there with his hands in his pockets, staring down at the stone.
"If you were here, things would be so different. I think Ryusei would be a happier boy if he knew you. Tsunade says you believed I could love him enough for the both of us, but I don't know if I can. I wasn't even sure if I could love you at one point. I don't know why you would trust me to do that when you knew how broken I was..."
He pulled a hand out of his pocket and rested it on top of the stone. "I've tried so hard, and I'd like to think I've done well, but tonight... I feel so lost. I've never felt so happy... and so miserable like this at once. I... I don't know what to do. I wish you could tell me what to do."
Ryusei had never heard his father talk like that before. He had always seen him as strong and sure in everything he did. He never would've thought that he had been second-guessing himself all this time.
"Why does everyone haunt me - except for you?" A small laugh escaped from his lips. "I actually wouldn't mind it if you did. I miss you... and every day Ryusei looks and acts more and more like you. You should see him; I wish you could see him. I wish it could've been me..." His voice became strained. "You deserve to be here much more than I do and I-"
Ryusei's eyes widened as his father knelt, both hands pressed to the stone now. For the first time, he saw his father cry. And seeing him shed tears broke his heart. He was a great dad, and he did so much for him, and Ryusei realized that he never even told him that he was doing a good job, or that he made him happy. It never occurred to him that his dad may need some encouragement and praise, too. He thought he just knew.
With only his father in mind and sight, he got to his feet and walked over as quietly as he could, stopping by his side.
Kakashi was surprised and embarrassed to see a pair of sandaled feet in his peripheral. He took a steadying breath and pulled back to sit on his haunches, hands resting limply on his thighs. He didn't think he could trust himself to talk, but his voice came out calm and smooth. "I thought you were asleep."
"I'm sorry," Ryusei replied, voice dropping in remorse.
"You don't have to apologize to-"
Kakashi was tackled to the ground as his son threw his arms around him; hot tears bled through his shirt.
"I'm sorry," he cried. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I didn't know you did... I shouldn't have said what I said. I... I-I don't want to be without you!"
The jounin wrapped an arm around him. "You'll always have me, Ryusei."
"I didn't mean to make you sad... and... and you're a great dad and you do so much to make me happy," the boy babbled through his tears. "I thought you knew how great you are!"
Kakashi smiled although he could feel his eyes brimming over with fresh tears. "I'm great, huh?"
"Of course you are," he answered with a croak. "You're my dad. I love you."
"I love you, too." He smoothed his hand over Ryusei's pale grey hair. "Dry your eyes, okay."
They laid there in the stillness of the night, staring up at the sky until Ryusei's sniffles came to a stop. He sat up, rubbing the remnants of his fat tears from his face, and stared at the stone. "Sakura... Haruno? How come her last name's not the same as yours?"
Kakashi sighed as he sat up to join him. "Well, we never got married."
"How come?"
"We never had time. It was never planned. We were just happy to be together."
The boy's nose scrunched up. "I thought marriage and all that stuff was important. There are girls at the academy already talking about it," he said with a shudder.
His father chuckled. "At one point, I think it was important to her."
"Then what changed?" he asked, staring at him with curious eyes.
"She did. And personally, I never thought I'd ever get married. I never thought I'd ever be in love with someone or have a kid, but your mom, she changed all that. She punched and healed her way through all of my defenses, and before I knew it... I was the happiest I had ever been."
Ryusei let that information sink in and he turned back to look at her memorial stone, really look at it. What he saw made his brows rise. "She died on my birthday?"
"She passed away right after you were born, from complications during labor."
New tears cut a path down his cheeks. "She was a ninja so... I thought..."
Kakashi put his hand on his son's shoulder. "I should've told you, but when is there a right time for that? How was I to know when you'd be old enough to understand?"
"So... when you said that she gave life to me, you mean that she gave her life? She died because of me-"
"No!" Kakashi turned his son to face him and locked their gazes, intending to get the message straight through to him. "She died for you, to protect you, to make sure that you'd grow up and live happily. She got really sick while she was pregnant with you, but she refused to give you up because she loved you that much. You meant everything to her."
Ryusei hugged him, burying his face against his chest, and Kakashi patted his back in understanding; he knew how difficult the truth could be to take in. But the truth wasn't always so hard. "And you mean everything to me, too."