As Jasper drove further away from the church Bella's spirit rose and fell with each passing thought. She was free, free! But she was doing it in the worst way possible. How could she have just left like that? Was she destined to wander forever? She had felt like this before. Never quite right in Phoenix or Forks, never a home of her own. And oh, Edward. He would be so hurt. Whatever their problems he didn't deserve this, didn't deserve her. But then Bella already knew that.
She didn't realize she was clutching the armrest until Jasper touched her. Just a whisper-thread of fingertips down her arm, as if he wasn't any more accustomed to giving reassurance than Bella was in receiving it.
"Sorry," Bella mumbled, blinking back tears.
"I wasn't -" Jasper put both hands back on the steering wheel. "You're fine."
They sat in silence for several minutes. Bella kept darting her eyes to the speedometer. Jasper was hardly going at a getaway speed, maybe two miles over the speed limit, max. Edward always speeded, which was a bit exciting, if Bella was honest with herself, especially knowing that with his vampiric senses he was unlikely to be putting her in harm's way. Jasper was either disinclined towards a career in the Daytona 500 or else he thought Bella too fragile a soul to enjoy riding in fast cars with boys.
She hated to admit it but, given the circumstances, she appreciated this slower pace. It gave her time to fully appreciate her actions. And she was horrified by them. What was she doing? How would she ever convince Edward that she was 'mature' enough to be a vampire if she couldn't commit to him as his wife? Didn't she want to be with him forever, in whatever form that took?
That voice, insistent, doubtful, and unafraid of hard truths, niggled at the back of her mind attempting to answer. But it was not the answer Bella wanted to hear and she tore her thoughts away from her inner turmoil and turned to Jasper. Each mile was taking her further and further from the life she wanted. Whatever doubts she had about Edward, she knew she would not find them out in the world, but inside Forks.
"Stop the car," she said. Jasper looked at her quizzically, but his foot was already easing off the gas pedal.
"We need to go back. I can't believe I'm doing this!" She almost let loose a torrent of accusation at Jasper. How could he have let this happen? Wasn't he supposed to be a voice of reason? He was almost two centuries old!
"Go back?" Jasper said, slowing the car even more.
"Y-yes," Bella said. Whatever she lacked in conviction would have to be made up for in repetitiveness. "Yes, you have to take me back. I know I'm acting crazy -"
Jasper said nothing as he pulled to the side of the road. The car hummed silently in wait. Bella placed a hand over her chest, her heart thumping in sick lurches. She was grateful she had been too nervous this morning to eat or else she was sure she would have thrown up by now.
"I'll take you back," he said, "if you want."
"You will?" Bella said, unsure why she sounded so surprised. Maybe because Jasper acted so unsurprised by her erratic behavior. Maybe he just assumed all humans made no sense. After all, Jasper wasn't really kidnapping. They were just… making it look like he was.
Jasper nodded. "But -"
Of course, Bella thought. There was always a stipulation to these exchanges.
"But I need to ask for something first," Jasper said.
Bella quelled her nervous fidgeting. She glanced at the digital clock on the dashboard. 12:04 p.m. The service was supposed to start at 12:15. There was still time to get back if she didn't have to endure a long diatribe.
"What?" she asked distractedly. Her mind buzzed, wondering if anybody had noticed her gone yet. If anybody asked she could say she had just stepped out to collect herself. That was true enough. Or blame Jasper, which was also true, but unfair. A vicious part of her chimed in that nobody would doubt her word against Jasper's, who, while not exactly mistrusted, was rarely left to his own devices for long. His absence had probably already been remarked upon. All the more reason to get back now if they wanted to avoid detection.
"Will you promise you won't hold this against me? For seeing you like this?"
Bella stared at him. "Jasper…"
"It's just that I value our friendship, such at is, and would like it to continue," Jasper said a little quickly. He was not quite looking at her. "I hope I don't presume in saying that." This was said flatly, as if he believed he had indeed presumed, and was not terribly optimistic about Bella's reception to it.
Several seconds ticked by before Bella realized she was just gaping at him and snapped out of it. "Of course we're friends!" she said. She had not been at all prepared for such a declaration from Jasper and was surprised at her own enthusiasm for the idea.
Jasper's shoulders relaxed slightly from their tense pose. "That's good," he said, a little warily as if not quite believing her yet.
Wanting him to know her sincerity, Bella reached out and covered her hand over one of Jasper's clenched fists. "We are," she said, firmly. "And I won't hold this against you." Knowing the shape her thoughts had been taking mere seconds before, she hoped Jasper took her guilt as simply more distress at the day's proceedings.
Jasper gave her one of his plaster smiles and pulled his hand away from hers. "I'll take you back now, then," he said. "If you - if you're sure." He posed it as a question, and Bella suspected Jasper was not entirely confident in Bella's ability to make momentous life decisions right now, but he would, whatever she said, do as he had promised. For a moment the responsibility weighed too heavily on Bella and she half-wished Jasper would simply ignore her insistence to turn around, and keep driving.
But then Jasper would not be Jasper. He was too malleable in the face of stronger emotions than his own, and Bella's were running at high speed. Perhaps, she mused, after having known so much of death and destruction, he did not want to fight with anyone. This tendency in him made him easily manipulated, despite Bella knowing he was smarter than her.
And with that thought the guilt came back, taking a new shape as she acknowledged that there was probably some truth in Jasper's perception of himself as the weakest member of the Cullen clan. Everything that had made him an asset during the vampire wars was looked on with revulsion during these more peaceful times. Bella would have touched him again if she had thought he would welcome it. She feared he would mistake her sympathy as pity.
She knew nothing of war and doubted becoming a vampire would enlighten her, if she managed to survive the Cullens. So she kept her hands to herself. "Yes, I'm sure," she said, staring straight ahead. "I don't know what got into me."
Jasper turned the car around without further comment. Bella tried to relax but it was impossible, and Jasper made no move to help her. In an effort to distract herself she thought of Jasper's last words. Friends, she thought. The idea appealed to her a great deal. It was soothing to know she would have an ally within the family, someone who might have an inkling of what she was feeling, without judging her for it.
There was a lot of judgment in the Cullen household. Given their lifestyle, maybe there was no other way for them to function but to be judgmental. Control was of the utmost imperative, repressive, self-denying control. Bella admired them for it, but was also a little dismayed at the sheer unnaturalness of their lives.
But if it gave people like Jasper and Edward peace, who was she to question it?
Sometimes, though, she wondered. Edward did not seem particularly content with his lot in life, and seemed to think Bella could be his gateway back to the world of light and life. Bella felt a little sorry for him having chosen her, since she couldn't help but think what it would mean to give her life up.
All too quickly, the spires of the church came back into view. As Jasper parked again, he said, "I don't think anyone noticed you gone. Nobody feels panicked. Well," he added, "except for Alice. But I think there's something wrong with Emmet's tie."
Bella smiled at Jasper's attempt to joke. "Thank you."
"No problem," Jasper said, no longer looking at her. He jiggled the keys in his hand. "Guess I'll have to think of some other gift for you."
"I don't need a gift. Besides, I know Alice just added your name to whatever crazy thing she got me."
Jasper nodded, looking distracted now. The warm reassurance Bella had received from him earlier felt like a distant memory, and she wondered if Jasper had finally come to his senses and wanted her out of his car. Now that she was back where she should be, however, she was reluctant to leave.
"You should get back inside," Jasper said. "Before someone really does miss you."
"Okay," Bella said meekly. She opened the door and stepped out. Once she reached the gate that led to the courtyard she looked back. Jasper was still in the car, staring down at the keys in his hand.
She hoped he would look at her, but he didn't, and she turned to go inside the church. It was only when her feet made contact with the graveled ground again that she recalled ditching her shoes somewhere. She had gone through this whole crazy episode without her shoes. Typical.
"Oh, jeez," she muttered. Luckily, if she was careful not to lift the hem of her dress too high, she might get away without anyone noticing.
As soon as the opened the heavy wooden door to the church, a blast of warm incense-infused air hit her, along with Alice's voice.
"There you are," she said, descending upon Bella like a giant, brightly-colored insect. For someone so slight she certainly made an impression when she wanted to, and Bella took an involuntary step back. "Just what do you think you were doing outside?" Alice said, waving a fistful of bows in front of Bella's face. "We still have to put up your veil! And now your hair's a mess again." She clucked her tongue and picked and poked at Bella until Bella got moving in the direction she wanted.
"And where is Jasper?" Alice asked almost as an afterthought. "Is he hiding? He does that." She sighed as though her husband were quite beyond salvation. "You would think he'd like a day like today, all the happy faces." She beamed brightly as if to prove her point.
"I think it's overwhelming for him," Bella said. While she may not have Jasper's condition she could say that, being an introvert herself, it was not always pleasant to be around so much laughter and talk. It was noisy. And how much more so would it be for Jasper?
"Oh, yes," Alice said absently. "But this isn't an ordinary day. Where is he?"
"Right here," came a soft, slightly drawling voice. Bella spun around with Alice and the happiness that burst inside of her briefly eliminated her worry. Seeing Jasper standing there, like nothing had gone awry in the last thirty minutes, reassured her that not everyone was a disappointment in her life. It was so silly, having seen him only minutes ago, and she would have been ashamed to admit how powerful her reaction to Jasper's presence was in that moment.
You're like a tentacle monster, she scolded herself. Always latching on to the first person you see with a backbone.
But there was no denying that Jasper was a very good sight to see.
He betrayed nothing in either look or gesture. Something told Bella he had played this game before and he smoothly explained his absence. It was mostly the truth, he simply omitted Bella's presence from it.
"Lots going on here, I'd just be in the way," Jasper said.
"Yes, well, that's the same excuse I'm hearing from the bride," Alice sniffed. She threw a reproving look at Bella while tucking a wayward strand of Bella's hair behind her ear.
"You're a mess," she said, again, and Bella had no idea if she meant her or Jasper.
"Sorry, Alice," Bella said and held up her hands as if to say 'I'm a hopeless case.' She could play up the klutz a little. Considering her track record it wasn't difficult to do.
People were now streaming in at a continuous flow around them. Bella glanced at some but barely registered their faces. They were mostly people she didn't know and had only heard of, the extended surrogate family of the Cullen clan. They all had yellow eyes and briefly Bella wondered what she had gotten herself into. Alice started prodding her in the back towards the dressing room.
"It's unseemly for the bride to be gawked at," she said.
Yeah, better wait till I'm front and center, Bella thought. Barely resisting the urge, she threw a look over her shoulder at Jasper. He was still standing in the entrance, one hand held behind his back and the other at his side. He bowed a little towards her, his expression neutral. For one wild, fleeting second Bella had the urge to fling Alice off of her and go running back towards Jasper.
This late and there wasn't much Alice could do but wet down the more obstinate hairs that had fallen out of place and stitch up the hem. "You look like you've been running," she said, and was that suspicion in her voice? Bella recalled the lesson in Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart and resolved to keep her mouth shut.
"I was walking in the courtyard," she said.
"You can do that after the ceremony."
Bella doubted it.
All too soon the music wafting through the chambers changed. The color drained from Bella's face, leaving her cold and sweaty. Even without her doubts this would have been hard enough for her to do. So many people watching her.
"You look beautiful," Alice said, kissing her before she lowered the veil over Bella's face. Bella didn't even recall wanting a veil, but she was now grateful for it. Maybe the tradition of the veil had come about so the groom didn't have to see how terrified his soon-to-be wife was. Such a look as Bella's hardly inspired ardor in the male breast.
Bella clutched the bouquet of flowers in her hands. Alice helped her into the entrance again. She could see dimly through the lace many faces in the church, just about make out Edward's waiting at the altar. Oh God, this was really happening.
She almost jumped a foot when her Dad touched her arm.
"Whoa there, Bells," he said like he was calming a nervous filly. "It's okay. Everything will be okay."
"Oh Dad," Bella choked. She clutched the sleeve of his arm. She could smell the cologne he wore, the same stuff Renée had bought him on his first birthday with her. It was an open secret that he still loved Bella's mother and sometimes Bella wondered if Renée even cared, knowing the father of her child still thought about her, still wondered what he'd done wrong. The Swan tribe did not easily let go.
Charlie patted her arm perfunctorily. "You look beautiful," he said.
Bella laughed. "You can't even see me."
"I don't have to," he said. "I know how my daughter looks and she's always beautiful."
Bella's smile faded and her throat closed up. "Thanks, Dad," she whispered, but it was so quiet she wasn't sure he heard.
The music began to rise and so did everyone else as Bella and her father stepped into the chapel. Bella would not remember most of the proceedings after that. She clung to her father's arm, relying on him to keep her up. She recalled Edward's face only in vague outlines. He had been smiling, or so she guessed from his voice. She remembered him taking her hand, slipping on the ring, remembered him agreeing to the marital promise of taking care of her. Bella must have responded in kind but she didn't remember saying the actual words 'I do.'
She must have, because all too soon the formalities were over and Edward was lifting the veil to kiss her. His lips were cool to hers but this part she wasn't sure she actually remembered; her mind might have simply formed a false memory out of prior knowledge of vampire physiology.
Then there was the reception. Bella came back awake dancing with Emmett, who said she looked like a deer in headlights. "That's a funny phrase," he mused out loud, "'deer in headlights.' Who would think of something like that?"
"Humans," she said automatically. "Deer get hit by cars a lot." And with that, everything came back to her in a rush and she almost staggered. She was married. Married. To Edward Cullen. She was not sure what part of this reality distressed her more.
She remembered when she was five going with Charlie in the jeep to pick up a felled deer off the road, and had cried the whole way home. She could still remember the deer's eyes, large and so dark and she had known, even then, what death meant. Emptiness. Charlie had not patronized her by saying the deer was asleep and had simply let her cry, which was probably because he hadn't known what else to do but Bella was still grateful for him for having let her do that. Sometimes life was just awful and nobody could make it better.
"Oh," Emmett said, "that's sad."
Bella's laughter was a touch hysterical. From Emmett's face he failed to see the irony in his statement and Bella did not want to cause a moral dilemma within him given his already limited nutritional choices.
She thought she would feel different once she was married - or hoped that she would. As if a ring and some pretty words, along with a legal contract, could make her change how she felt. Or erase the last twenty-four hours of doubt and introspection.
As Bella allowed Emmett to take her around the dance floor, stepping on his feet only twice, she found her eyes roving past the vampire's shoulders in search of a blond head. Instinctively, she looked for the darkest corners of the banquet hall. Failing to find him there she looked around at her fellow dancers; but Alice was dancing with Charlie, and flattering him beyond his wit's end by the looks of it. Rosalie had her arms crossed near the punch bowl and looked so bored that death could not come quick enough. She would probably extract Emmett from Bella soon and maybe then Bella could get a minute alone to herself. Where was Edward?
She ought to have thought of her husband first. Her husband! That was going to take some getting used to.
But she could locate neither Edward nor Jasper and everyone seemed to be in a competition of who could dance with the bride next, including Alice.
"Aren't you so happy?" Alice said, slipping her arm around Bella's waist and shoving a prospective Denali candidate none too gently.
"I think I will be," Bella said.
"Oh you will!" Alice tapped her nose knowledgeably. "I have foreseen."
That was reassuring. Except Alice's visions were not always correct. The future was constantly in motion, and Alice admitted herself that each person's actions could change it. But it was just the sort of thing Bella needed to hear right now.
"Will I really be happy?" Bella said.
"Of course! I would know that even if I hadn't seen it." Alice's bright, wide eyes clouded for a second, like a solar eclipse, but then she shook her head and smiled. "You're very complex."
"What does that mean?" Bella said, who had heard this before and was thoroughly weary of the accusation. She was just quiet, that's all.
"You remind me of Edward," she said. "He's moody and rude and takes himself way too seriously, but once you get to know him you can't help but love him."
Bella managed a crooked smile. There was a time she would have considered being compared to Edward as the height of flattery. Now it sort of disturbed her.
"It drives him crazy that he can't read your mind," Alice said in a conspiratorial tone, sounding delighted. "He relies too much on that gift. It makes him forget that there are other ways of knowing what a woman is thinking."
"There's nothing that exciting going on in my head, anyway," Bella said. She wasn't being modest, she couldn't fathom why someone like Edward was that interested in her. Was it really only that she was an anomaly? A novelty?
"You can still see my future, though," Bella said. "And -" She stopped short of mentioning Jasper's name but Alice caught the thread of her thought. She may have already discussed these matters with Jasper, after all. It was hardly a secret within the Cullen family by now.
"And Jasper has influence, too. I don't get that either," Alice said, shrugging. "Maybe we are your real soul mates!" She gave a musical laugh that made Bella think of Tinkerbell and then hugged Bella around the middle. "We're real and truly sisters now. I'm so glad."
"That's good," Bella said, and she sounded just as wary as Jasper had when he said it. It was the sort of response you said when you had nothing else to say, or meant just the opposite of what was intended. Jasper probably did that a lot, she thought, conform his opinion to the majority. That was a form of control, too. Or, of deflection. It was so hard to tell with the other vampire. Half of his actions seemed motivated by fear and the other half of some unfathomable inner workings of Jasper's mind.
Somehow, though, when she considered Jasper's attempts to bring order to his world, it did not inspire the same levels of resentment or head butting that occurred when Edward tried to direct Bella's life. That wasn't very fair of her.
Who cares about fair? You don't have to live with Jasper the rest of your life.
Bella bit her lip. "Thanks for doing so much for me," she said.
Alice turned yellow eyes up to her, slightly uncomprehending. "Don't be silly. Did you hear what I just said? You're my sister."
"I think I need to sit down for a while," Bella said, beginning to extract herself from Alice.
"Oh, okay," Alice said. She stood motionless for a second, arms akimbo, and then sprang back into action like a windup toy. "I'll get you some champagne. That'll perk you up."
Bella wasn't much of drinker. She'd drank exactly twice in her life. Once, when she was eight, and Charlie let her have a sip of his PBR. A judicious action which effectively quelled any budding aspirations to alcohol consumption for the next decade. And she'd nursed a Heineken at La Push when her friends had invited her to a beach party. Everyone but her and Mike had ended up in sandy makeout sessions and Bella had left early before Mike got ideas.
But a drink sounded good right now. She sat down in a chair swathed with gauzy fabric and stared at one of the tea lights. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Edward excuse himself from a group of grim-looking vampires from Belarus and head towards her. Bella let out a shaky breath and straightened in her chair.
"Tired?" Edward said, handing her the glass in his hand.
"Alice is getting me a drink," Bella said, but she took Edward's. "What is it?" She sniffed it.
"Just water."
"Oh." She set it on the table. "I'm feeling like something stronger right now."
"Well, don't get too tipsy tonight."
"I won't," Bella promised. "I'm a lightweight."
"Exactly my point."
He sat down next to her and together they watched the elegant motions of vampires whirling and twirling around them. Bella's heart skipped a beat when she spotted Jasper dancing with a moon-faced girl in a midnight-blue cocktail dress. The girl was laughing at something he had said and throwing her head back in a coquettish way that made Bella arch an eyebrow. Really, now. Laying it on a bit thick, wasn't she?
Jasper looked okay. Well, 'okay' in the sense that he looked like his normal self. A combination of the wild and the rehearsed. Being of a generation that considered dancing to be a lot of simulated sex acts with your clothes on, Bella thought the more elegant, formal way in which Jasper danced, slightly outdated but requiring actual skill, was far more enjoyable to watch.
Edward said something next to her. "What?" she said, turning back to him.
"I said Jasper is charming the pants off that Denali girl."
"She's wearing a dress."
Edward smirked at her. "Very funny." His eyes tracked Jasper and the girl across the dance floor. "He's been acting strange lately," he said, his smile fading into a contemplative frown. "Distracted. I think it's good we're graduating. High school was maybe too much teenage hormones for him."
"Is that supposed to be funny?" Bella said, her tone coming out sharp. "He can't control it, you know. Maybe it is too much for him to handle all at once." Her hands balled into fists, crushing the fabric of her dress. "Even humans can't handle it sometimes," she muttered, more to herself this time than Edward.
Edward lifted his eyes to her in surprise. "I didn't mean anything by it," he said. His tone was mild and confused, and it made Bella feel despicable.
She sighed. "I just don't think it's right to make fun of him. He's not had as much time to practice being around humans."
"I know."
They went back to their mutual default of silence. Bella twisted a loose thread around her finger, pulling it taut so that it began to cut circulation off at the tip. "Sorry I snapped at you," she said. "I think I'm just tired." And where was Alice with that drink?
Edward nodded as if he understood when they both knew perfectly well he didn't. He probably could not even recall the time during his life when he had felt tired.
Bella went back to watching Jasper and the Denali girl. She had a sort of exotic look about her, a ballerina's slender lines and long, flowing dark hair. She was almost as tall as him. Alice, having been waylaid by a vampire with dreadlocks, didn't appear perturbed. It must be nice to have such security in your partner. Bella couldn't say she would have behaved as blithely if some hot little number had started giggling at Edward's jokes.
Maybe Jasper was influencing the other girl. How much power did he have, anyway? If he wanted to, he could probably send the whole wedding party into an orgy that would make even the Romans blush. Or break it up, make everyone leave.
She thought about what Jasper had said in the courtyard. How insane it must be to live that way? Feeling everyone's emotions, never being quite sure if what you felt yourself was truly yours. From the cryptic comments Alice had made concerning their relationship Bella had been led to believe that Jasper was something of a mess when Alice found him. Like a crazy unwashed hermit, only without the dignity of prophetic visions or divine purpose.
Then Bella started musing at how Jasper had even been able to sustain himself for all those years. Killing people, and feeling their deaths. Not everyone would have been able to do that, if they had woken up as immortals with such a 'gift.' They would have wasted away, unable to tolerate the pain. Jasper really was a killer. Somehow that fact came as a surprise, just like it had at her birthday party.
Bella sat up straighter in her seat. Edward knew, she realized. He would have to. She turned her eyes to Edward and stared at him with such intensity that even Edward noticed. "What?" he said. His brow knit in concern. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said automatically. "I was just thinking about my new family."
About how all of you are ticking time bombs. She broke the thread wrapped around her finger and unclenched her hands. They were stiff, she had been holding them so tightly. "Are you happy?" she asked Edward.
He blinked and for a moment there was nothing but ringing silence between them. Then he reached over and took one of her clammy hands, his expression reassuring. "I've never been so happy in my life."
Bella could not muster a similar sentiment in return and looked away. What kind of vampire would she make? Would she be strong? The way it worked, it seemed to simply enhance what was already inside of you. What was inside of her that was worthy of immortalizing?
She squeezed her hand inside Edward's. "It'll be nice when I'm like you. Then I think it will feel more real to me. Real eternity."
Edward's expression clouded and he withdrew his hand. "Yes," he said. "I suppose."
Bella did not realize she had been testing Edward until he failed.
She turned her gaze back to the dance floor. Rosalie and Emmett were showing off in the middle of the room. Bella could not say she much cared for Rosalie even now, but had to admit Emmett was good for her. He seemed to get her on a level that no one else did and let the other stuff, her cattiness, her bitterness - all fluff to him, it seemed - roll off his back.
Carlisle and Esme had a quieter sort of love. Intense and yet sweet. Bella imagined they were surprising when they were alone together.
And Jasper and Alice. Jasper was always such a gentleman to Alice. The Southern thing, Bella supposed. Alice was so accepting, willing to give not only someone like Jasper a chance but Bella, too. Jasper needed Alice and Bella knew this because she needed Alice. Bella was old enough to know needing someone and wanting them were not the same thing.
"We should dance," Edward said.
"Okay," Bella said, finding it the course of least resistance. She let him guide her out onto the floor and spin her around. It was fun because he moved so fast she didn't really have to do anything, her (still) bare feet skimming the marble floor. They were probably filthy by now, but who cared. She could worry about being perfect when she was turned.
She tipped her head back and stared at the swirling chandelier lights above her. It was her fault she had said yes to Edward, desperate as she had been not to lose him. She had made her bed and now she must lie in it. Besides, being married to Edward Cullen wasn't going to be hell. Maybe their love wasn't cosmic after all. Maybe real love didn't have anything to do with tragedy plays or melodramatic declarations of undying devotion while holding a loaded gun at your head.
If this was the first stage in maturity Bella could just as soon do without it. As she spun in the air, lost in the swirling colors of the painted ceiling, she asked herself what she really wanted. But this time the logical voice inside of her was silent.