p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 16px;" It always starts with the clear sound of water. Not churning, tumbling waves, but rather the quiet, distinct tone of a still surface. It remains undisturbed, unmoving as Dean sits on the shoreline. He can hear the wind rippling through the thick leaves, brushing the swooning branches of the trees overhead. He can see the white clouds in the setting sky above move slowly, painstakingly slow, in the water's reflection. The cool, crisp air nips at his face as he closes his eyes, leaning his head back to just listen, to take it in as Sam had done./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 16px;" He starts to hum the melody to 'Renegade', the notes cutting through the deafening silence and ringing up into the fading light./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI';" /spanspan style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"Now it's for sure he'll see me dead,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" The single line reverberates through his mind, causing his song to falter, but he keeps going. Fearlessness makes him keep going./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI';" /spanspan style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"I can hear you a'cryin', so scared and all alone./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanThe melody quickly trails off, leaving a kind of deadness behind./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Silence envelopes the emptiness, the space that seems void and lonely around Dean. Silence that rips through the memories, the glimpse of any serenity, cutting through the small heartbeats he hears in his head. He can hear his heart stop each time Sam's face comes back to him, the long, lean features, the long chocolate brown hair, the piercing hazel eyes./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He's not gone forever, no. But he most certainly isn't here, span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"with/span him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He blinks, trying to tear through the haze that embodies him now. Clenches his jaw so some sort of feeling shakes him out of his daze. His teeth cut into one another, grinding in a way that startles him out of his thoughts. He relieves the pressure by running a hand down his jawline, reaching and letting go./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Fear and helplessness have him clutching his thigh for strength, an anchor. It always happens, when he thinks too much. The vivid memories swarming him, plaguing him, cursing him. He can't evade them, let them go, tuck them in a place to rest and never be disturbed again. His conscience won't let him do that, can't let him. Because no matter how much he wants to rid himself of the pain, the heartbreak that accompanies what he's endured, it's not enough to want them gone forever./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He clears his throat, tries to brush off the emotion building in his chest. Breath. Blink. Numb the pain. Nothing has helped up to this point, why would it work now?/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He suddenly remembers the fear, the emptiness he felt when it happened. How he, Dean Winchester, could be the only person to endure something as catastrophic as what he'd experienced. When the mark of Cain possessed him, leaving him hollowed and dark. Left him powerful, brave, fearless, and yet weak and human all at once. Sam had tried his best, had tried anything and everything to bring his dear brother back, the one person that meant the most to him. He had been Dean's rock even when he was blind and lost.../p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" It had worked for a time. Sam and him had taken on a few hunts, shared a few beers and a few laughs, had even had some chick flick moments. But nothing lasts forever./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" The moment he realized it had resurfaced, there was nothing to be done. The mark had captured his judgement and everything good about him with it. It destroyed him, little by little, until finally, one day, he came to with his head numb, his vision fuzzy, and lifeless forms lying around him. He had killed them, each and every one. Not him, rather, but the mark. It didn't matter that they were awful people. It didn't matter that they had finally been given their just dessert. The mark had ripped his life away, the life he had lived, and the life inside him. It had stripped away what was left until he was a shaking, trembling mess./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He remembers the feeling of shock, the numbness that quickly retreated from his limps, the dull knife a deadly weapon in his hand. He remembers seeing Sam come into the room, his expression morphing from confusion to horror. He had known then that it was him, could only be him. Without will and control over his own body, he had killed in cold blood./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He had made up his mind then to end all this, to end what had started with him. Sam's face, his broken voice, and his huddled shoulders were all he needed. He couldn't let down his baby brother./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Dean's eyes flicker to the now dark sky above, the moon wrapping around from behind a wispy cloud, casting light onto the beach. How long had he sat here this time? He doesn't really care, as long as he can think. Think of perhaps a better time, a more lively time, a time worth remembering./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Sam's voice comes to him as he closes his eyes and sees his brother's figure, coming closer, closer, so close./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"Sam, /spanhe thinks, not wanting to breath, speak, think, for fear that it will all go away like it usually does./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sammy, I'm here. I'm here-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Dean, where are you?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I'm here, Sammy. Here for you,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Tears: the only thing Dean's sure he can see. Moving sadness, trickling devastation, rippling endings. Things always end in tears./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Why aren't you here, Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I am, Sam. I'm right here./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Why aren't you there for me?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I can't be there, Sammy-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Why is the only thing I see anymore you?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanDean bows his head, remains silent, the words failing him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""All I can see is you. Nothing else. Not Jess, not mom, not dad. Not anything but you, Dean."/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanPain: another thing that Dean can see. The marks, the suffering, the endurable slashes. It's all out in the open, colorful, deep, and permanent. Pain can never be ebbed or blotted out, it can only be added to until you break./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean, I'm scared,"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanAgain, silence. How is he supposed to assure Sam he can protect him, save him, be there for him when he's so far away, impossibly far away?/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""I don't know how to keep this up. I can't do this without you. I can't keep going without you-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam. /span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanDean doesn't think he hears him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam, you have to. You've got to keep going. For me. For you. For us./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "I can't-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Yes, yes you can. You're stronger than me, better than me, loved by me. I could never have made it this far.../span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanThe end: Dean can see that small tunnel, the light at the end, radiating back at him. He didn't know what it was like. He had never felt it, experienced it./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sammy? Sam, please. Don't. Don't do this to me, to us. I can't let you go. You can't go, not now. Not ever. I won't let you-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam, stop this,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanSilence. He had never heard it before now from his brother. He had always prayed, always heard Dean, always listened. But alas, ever strong conscience must break./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He wasn't sure what heaven would be like until he was here, alone, far far away from the life he had lived and loved. The only thing he had left behind was Sam when he had died./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Sam, who had killed himself without his brother there at his side, had killed himself without really thinking what it would do to Dean. He thinks back on the day it happened, how still everything was around him. Castiel had brought him the news, his face grim, his voice level./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Even now Dean can hear that slight quiver that gave away why he was there. Cas knew Dean had to know, had to hear that his little brother was finally dead./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He glances up at the stars that twinkle down at him, the darkness that surrounds them, and the full moon barely above the tree line. It never span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"feels/span dark here. It never feels as if the world is sad and destitute without the Winchesters around./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" But then again, this is heaven, and heaven can feel anyway he wants it to. He can make it feel empty, scared, hollow./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" A tear slowly falls down his freckled cheek, his vision blurry, his hands wresting in his lap and his feet buried in the sand below him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" It's only now sinking in that he is the reason for one more innocent person's death./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI'; font-size: 16px;" He starts to hum the melody to 'Renegade', the notes cutting through the deafening silence and ringing up into the fading light./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI';" /spanspan style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"Now it's for sure he'll see me dead,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" The single line reverberates through his mind, causing his song to falter, but he keeps going. Fearlessness makes him keep going./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: '.Helvetica NeueUI';" /spanspan style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"I can hear you a'cryin', so scared and all alone./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanThe melody quickly trails off, leaving a kind of deadness behind./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Silence envelopes the emptiness, the space that seems void and lonely around Dean. Silence that rips through the memories, the glimpse of any serenity, cutting through the small heartbeats he hears in his head. He can hear his heart stop each time Sam's face comes back to him, the long, lean features, the long chocolate brown hair, the piercing hazel eyes./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He's not gone forever, no. But he most certainly isn't here, span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"with/span him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He blinks, trying to tear through the haze that embodies him now. Clenches his jaw so some sort of feeling shakes him out of his daze. His teeth cut into one another, grinding in a way that startles him out of his thoughts. He relieves the pressure by running a hand down his jawline, reaching and letting go./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Fear and helplessness have him clutching his thigh for strength, an anchor. It always happens, when he thinks too much. The vivid memories swarming him, plaguing him, cursing him. He can't evade them, let them go, tuck them in a place to rest and never be disturbed again. His conscience won't let him do that, can't let him. Because no matter how much he wants to rid himself of the pain, the heartbreak that accompanies what he's endured, it's not enough to want them gone forever./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He clears his throat, tries to brush off the emotion building in his chest. Breath. Blink. Numb the pain. Nothing has helped up to this point, why would it work now?/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He suddenly remembers the fear, the emptiness he felt when it happened. How he, Dean Winchester, could be the only person to endure something as catastrophic as what he'd experienced. When the mark of Cain possessed him, leaving him hollowed and dark. Left him powerful, brave, fearless, and yet weak and human all at once. Sam had tried his best, had tried anything and everything to bring his dear brother back, the one person that meant the most to him. He had been Dean's rock even when he was blind and lost.../p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" It had worked for a time. Sam and him had taken on a few hunts, shared a few beers and a few laughs, had even had some chick flick moments. But nothing lasts forever./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" The moment he realized it had resurfaced, there was nothing to be done. The mark had captured his judgement and everything good about him with it. It destroyed him, little by little, until finally, one day, he came to with his head numb, his vision fuzzy, and lifeless forms lying around him. He had killed them, each and every one. Not him, rather, but the mark. It didn't matter that they were awful people. It didn't matter that they had finally been given their just dessert. The mark had ripped his life away, the life he had lived, and the life inside him. It had stripped away what was left until he was a shaking, trembling mess./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He remembers the feeling of shock, the numbness that quickly retreated from his limps, the dull knife a deadly weapon in his hand. He remembers seeing Sam come into the room, his expression morphing from confusion to horror. He had known then that it was him, could only be him. Without will and control over his own body, he had killed in cold blood./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He had made up his mind then to end all this, to end what had started with him. Sam's face, his broken voice, and his huddled shoulders were all he needed. He couldn't let down his baby brother./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Dean's eyes flicker to the now dark sky above, the moon wrapping around from behind a wispy cloud, casting light onto the beach. How long had he sat here this time? He doesn't really care, as long as he can think. Think of perhaps a better time, a more lively time, a time worth remembering./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Sam's voice comes to him as he closes his eyes and sees his brother's figure, coming closer, closer, so close./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"Sam, /spanhe thinks, not wanting to breath, speak, think, for fear that it will all go away like it usually does./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sammy, I'm here. I'm here-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Dean, where are you?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I'm here, Sammy. Here for you,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Tears: the only thing Dean's sure he can see. Moving sadness, trickling devastation, rippling endings. Things always end in tears./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Why aren't you here, Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I am, Sam. I'm right here./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Why aren't you there for me?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" I can't be there, Sammy-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Why is the only thing I see anymore you?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanDean bows his head, remains silent, the words failing him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""All I can see is you. Nothing else. Not Jess, not mom, not dad. Not anything but you, Dean."/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanPain: another thing that Dean can see. The marks, the suffering, the endurable slashes. It's all out in the open, colorful, deep, and permanent. Pain can never be ebbed or blotted out, it can only be added to until you break./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean, I'm scared,"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanAgain, silence. How is he supposed to assure Sam he can protect him, save him, be there for him when he's so far away, impossibly far away?/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""I don't know how to keep this up. I can't do this without you. I can't keep going without you-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam. /span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanDean doesn't think he hears him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam, you have to. You've got to keep going. For me. For you. For us./span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "I can't-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Yes, yes you can. You're stronger than me, better than me, loved by me. I could never have made it this far.../span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanThe end: Dean can see that small tunnel, the light at the end, radiating back at him. He didn't know what it was like. He had never felt it, experienced it./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;""Dean?"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sammy? Sam, please. Don't. Don't do this to me, to us. I can't let you go. You can't go, not now. Not ever. I won't let you-/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" "Dean-"/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" Sam, stop this,/span/p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;"span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;" /spanSilence. He had never heard it before now from his brother. He had always prayed, always heard Dean, always listened. But alas, ever strong conscience must break./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He wasn't sure what heaven would be like until he was here, alone, far far away from the life he had lived and loved. The only thing he had left behind was Sam when he had died./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Sam, who had killed himself without his brother there at his side, had killed himself without really thinking what it would do to Dean. He thinks back on the day it happened, how still everything was around him. Castiel had brought him the news, his face grim, his voice level./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" Even now Dean can hear that slight quiver that gave away why he was there. Cas knew Dean had to know, had to hear that his little brother was finally dead./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" He glances up at the stars that twinkle down at him, the darkness that surrounds them, and the full moon barely above the tree line. It never span style="font-family: Helvetica-LightOblique; font-style: italic;"feels/span dark here. It never feels as if the world is sad and destitute without the Winchesters around./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" But then again, this is heaven, and heaven can feel anyway he wants it to. He can make it feel empty, scared, hollow./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" A tear slowly falls down his freckled cheek, his vision blurry, his hands wresting in his lap and his feet buried in the sand below him./p
p style="margin: 0px 0px 20px; font-size: 16px;" It's only now sinking in that he is the reason for one more innocent person's death./p