I eerrrr I apologise for the long wait. I've been putting off writing this one because I knew it was going to be really angsty and shit so I wanted to be in the right headspace to get it just right for you all. Also, if you haven't already seen, I have a second Clexa fic going now so please take a look if ya like?

Well please enjoy haha

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Clarke took a shaky breath and looked to her left at Lexa. Her eyes were wide and she was staring down the corridor ahead but her eyes were glazed over unseeing.

They were stood at entrance of mount weather. The door was open and they were yet to muster up the courage to enter. Clarke was holding her nerve but Lexa had yet to speak or move.

They had woken up early and ridden out alone before the sun had risen. The whole journey had been spent in silence and Clarke tried to avoid the tension that had spilled over them. She was doing this for Lexa but there was also a part of her that was doing this for her. Lexa needed to do this and she wondered if facing their demons was their way of moving on. Both of them had unimaginable pressures on them during the war. The things they had done to survive… they were starting to catch up with her now.

"Lexa"

She didn't respond immediately but her eyes focused again and she turned her head to Clarke. Without war paint she looked so much younger and vulnerable than Clarke had ever seen her.

Clarke lifted her hand to the back of Lexa's neck and rubbed circles there reassuringly. Lexa leant into the touch and closed her eyes.

"This is your choice Lexa"

Lexa nodded with closed eyes. She was shaking slightly and Clarke couldn't help remember the last time they were at the mountain… Lexa had been shaking then too.

"I need to do this Clarke but I won't force you to come with me"

Their eyes met and Clarke understood what she was saying, you don't have to see them again if you can't face it.

"I need to do this too Lexa"

She nodded and turned back to the entrance, "Are you ready Clarke?"

With a heavy heart she nodded. Lexa's hand went down and linked with hers. Her grip was strong and slightly painful but Clarke took no notice and focussed on the warmth and stability; despite the fear and pain that she knew Lexa was feeling.

"Ready as I'll ever be"

XoXoXoX

Lexa took a steadying breath and gripped the door frame tightly as she looked into the room. Clarke and she had silently agreed to separate inside the mountain. She didn't want Clarke to see the room Cage had taken her to. Lexa didn't want her to put any blame on herself because she already had placed the blame of everything else on her own shoulders.

The chair she had been strapped to was flung back against the floor, the straps undone and lying close, and the empty needles were littering the floor. Lexa spotted blood splattered across the ground and wondered whether it was hers or previous captors. She assumed it was hers but there was no guarantee.

Memories from the reaper drug were coursing through her. Sometimes she wondered whether the drug was still in her system and felt that it must be. Lexa could remember the feeling of the liquid entering her veins and sliding through every crevice of her body before the shaking began in her muscles. Memories were distorted in red and she still didn't know if they were real or not. Even her memories of Costia were changed somehow.

Lexa ignored the shaking of her limbs and took the first step into the room. Placing one foot in front of the other she forced herself to step closer to the chair. A crunching sound distracted her and she looked down under her boot to see one of the syringes crushed against the ground. A small trickle of red was seeping onto the floor.

The red flickered something within her and she flung backwards against the wall, eyes wide, and stared down at the liquid. There was only a small amount but it was there. Within her skin, within her veins, there was a burning desire to inject herself. To take the reaper drug and relish in the feeling. If anything just to stop the burning itch within her that she just couldn't reach. Only the drug could reach that.

Lexa shook her head and tried to calm her breathing and wipe away the sweat that had collected on her brow. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. She groaned and clamped her hands over her ears. Lexa shook and fell into a crouched position against the wall moaning. You could have done something… you let them burn… how could you… may we meet again…

There was no separation between what was real and what was not. Who had she killed and who hadn't she killed?

No, please… He's my son… It didn't mean anything… I'm sorry… Please don't do this… Don't make me do this… You can stop this…

They were real… The pleading voices of families of people she had killed. The pleading voice of Clarke as she left TonDC, the pleading voice of Costia as she let the village burn, the pleading voice of Clarke as she left her on that mountain…

"I can't" She growled. Her eyes were scrunched and her arms were starting to give out.

Yes you can… please, you don't have to do this… show my people that you're not savages… make them stop…

"I'm sorry"

No you're not… you let them do this… make them stop… you can't…

Everyone. Everyone was mixed into one person now. She couldn't differentiate between the voices, between Echo, Costia, Clarke, Anya, Gustus… those innocent people…

"What" She croaked out. Throwing her head back and staring up at the ceiling, "What could I have done?"

Costia's voice broke through. You could have done something… Mercy… Something Lexa… Something…

"My people asked for blood. I couldn't deny them this"

You and your duty… You are too proud Lexa…

"I am sorry" Her eyes were shining with unshed tears as she pleaded to whoever she prayed was listening, "I am sorry Costia"

I know…

"Please forgive me"

Tears were falling thick and fast but only silence answered her. She tried again and her head ached with the voices of people she was sure she would never hear again.

I have… you know I have… forgive yourself…

The voices didn't return and Lexa was left truly alone against the cold, concrete floor.

XoXoXoX

Clarke couldn't breathe. The air was stale and she could have sworn the lingering stench of the bodies was still there. They were gone. Moved from that day that now seemed a lifetime ago and yet still refused to leave Clarke alone for a moment of peace.

She shook slightly but still couldn't bring herself to enter the room. So she just stood there watching, looking in, and allowed her gaze to linger on the spot where Jasper and Maya's bodies had been. Holding each other.

A single tear escaped and she brushed it away quickly. It was all her fault. She killed them all, she killed innocent people, and it's her fault that Jasper is dead. Wells died… Finn… Jasper… Her father… TonDC… The mountain men. Gone. All of them. Who was next? Her mother? Bellamy? Octavia? Raven? … Lexa?

"I killed them" She gasped out and finally let them fall… She let the tears fall.

Clarke stumbled forward to the table that was still stretched out across the room. Her foot brushed against the football lying carelessly in her path. She kicked it aside causing a fresh wave of tears to fall as she imagined the child that had so innocently been playing with it completely unaware of what was happening just a few floors up. Unaware that their time was up.

When did Clarke become the person that decides who lives and who dies?

She snorted, "When did we start playing god?"

Footsteps sounded from behind her and she didn't need to look over her shoulder to see who it was. The mountain was empty.

Clarke was still staring at the table when Lexa came to a stop next to her. She looked over the room and seemed to guess at what had been there previously.

"This isn't on you Clarke"

"Really" Clarke could have laughed. If anything about this was funny, "Then who is it on? Because it was me Lexa, it was my idea, and it was me that pushed that lever"

"Clarke" She turned to see Lexa watching her with saddened eyes that flickered over her, "I would have pushed the lever… for you"

Clarke took a shaky breath at the meaning behind the words, "I know, but I would never ask you to"

"I know"

She allowed Lexa to pull her into a tight embrace. Suddenly everything that she had been holding in seemed so overwhelming and there was nothing she could do. Clarke felt her knees give out and Lexa followed her down to the ground.

"Clarke" She tucked her head into the crook of Lexa's neck, "Clarke I'm here. I'm alive"

"Stay that way" She gasped out through the flood of tears, "Please I know you can't promise it but… but please don't go anywhere"

"I'm not. I will stay alive Clarke, for you"

Clarke didn't say anything else and they just stayed there. Crumpled on the ground together, Lexa was holding her and Clarke gripped her arm in a vice like grip. She refused to let go.

XoXoXoX

Bellamy pulled back the tent flap and frowned. Clarke and Lexa had been gone all day and people were either vague or had no idea where they had gone in the first place. He made his way back to the Ark. Maybe Raven knew where they were.

His was just pulling open the door when Echo called to him. He spotted her running towards him looking slightly panicked.

Frowning he met her half way, "What's happened?"

Echo shook her head, "Clarke and Lexa are gone"

"Yes I realised but nobody seems to-"

"No I know" She pulled on his arm, "They have gone to the mountain. Come on we have to find them"

He didn't say anything but instead allowed her to pull her toward the stables. They saddled up two horses.

XoXoXoX

Octavia watched Raven as she worked tirelessly on the radio. Her and Wick had been working through the night and she had no doubt that they would have it working soon. She smiled to herself at Raven's concentration. The small crease in her brow and the short and quiet grunts of protest when something didn't work or was harder to separate.

She was brought out of her thoughts when Raven practically screeched in anger and threw the remained of wiring across the room. She hung her head in her hands and groaned.

Octavia stood up and walked over. She leant against her back and wrapped her hands around her, her chin resting on her shoulder.

"Hey come on… You've got this"

"No" She mumbled into her palms, "It's not working"

Octavia nodded and rubbed her hands against Raven's side, "I know you're stressed but this isn't something that can't wait until morning. It's not like before when we were at war. We actually have the time to spend on things like this now"

"But what if there are survivors? What if I'm just letting them stay there… they could be dying"

"They could be" Octavia agreed, "But your speed isn't going to change that Rae. You need to pace yourself and they just need to hang on a little bit longer"

Raven snorted and sat up straight. She leant back into Octavia's embrace and sighed, closing her eyes, enjoying the feeling of being held like this for a moment. A moment of calm.

"You think they can hold on?"

"They've lasted this long"

"What if there isn't" She opened her eyes, "Survivors I mean. What if all of this is for nothing and there's nobody out there?"

Octavia moved around to lean against the table and face Raven, "Then I think we'll do what we would be doing anyway. I think that we'll plan and prepare for winter and then we'll endure that before spring comes around and the year will start again"

"Sounds nice"

"Sounds peaceful" Octavia smiled down at her.

Raven hummed in agreement, "Peace is a strange concept after everything we've been through but it sounds lovely"

"I promise that we'll make it lovely"

They watched each other with slight smiles for a moment before Octavia broke it and leant forward, kissed Raven lightly, and then stood next to her and clapped her hands.

"Come on. We have a radio to fix"

Raven laughed and pushed herself to the front of the stool.

XoXoXoX

Bellamy and Echo made it to the entrance of the mountain just as Lexa and Clarke were leaving. Lexa was hugging Clarke tightly and practically carrying the girl out though they both looked up at the sound of them approaching.

Echo raised an eyebrow but it was Bellamy that spoke, "What the hell?"

Clarke rolled her eyes, "Relax Bellamy we're fine"

"Relax?" H spluttered, climbing down from the horse, "Relax? We couldn't find you anywhere and then Abby tells us that you're both in the mountain"

Echo walked over to Lexa and pulled her into a hug as Clarke made her way over to Bellamy and he did the same.

She leant into his hold, "We needed to do it"

"Well great. Did you get that out of your system?"

Clarke pulled back and smiled slightly, "Yeah I think we did" She looked to Lexa who was nodding at something Echo was saying, "I think we'll be okay"

"Good"

He couldn't keep the relief from his voice. A part of him feared the mountain slightly and discovering that they had gone back alone had caused so much fear to erupt within him.

Bellamy allowed Clarke to go and speak to Lexa. He approached Echo who was watching them intently, "You okay?"

"I was worried" She admitted and he nodded.

"She's nothing like the girl I left behind… She's not even a girl anymore"

He understood. His thoughts drifted to Octavia and wondered at what point they had all changed from who they were when they first arrived on earth, "No. She's not"

Echo shook her head, "I can't ask her what she's been through, I wasn't there for her, but maybe I can be there from now on?"

Bellamy raised his arm and placed it around her shoulder, "Who we are in war… It's who we need to be to survive and the choices we make are" He paused, "Not ones that we necessarily want to but ones that we understand have to be made… Even if it kills us to make them"

Echo didn't say anything but leant into his embrace watching her sister hold Clarke again at the base of the mountain that had caused so much pain and anguish. Maybe they were better than that, better than the choices they made, and maybe now they could finally move on.

Awwwww cute, happiness, peace… So obviously this won't last for long :)

Review?

Hope you enjoyed!