Nightmare
Luz was washing the morning dishes with Historia. It was early in the morning, the sun shining in the windows. The now-lukewarm water soothed her palms, and the simply do this work was strangely comforting. In the back of her mind, Luz could hear a soft tune in her ears. It was sweet and soft, and somehow…familiar.
"I wish I was like you, Luz." The dark-haired girl turned towards Historia, who was looking at the distance with an emotionless gaze. "With no memoires." She sighed. "That way, I might be able to live." Luz stared at Historia, who seemed unaware of her gaze. Or…perhaps it didn't matter to her. As with the rest of the squad, Luz had heard the lonely history of the young woman before her. Historia had been born out of wedlock and had been shunned by the only family she had. She lived in a world composed of only loneliness and emptiness. Her mother had wished upon her violent death that her daughter hadn't been born. Historia had only met her father once when her mother had been killed, and been spared only upon the promise that she would live a lie and a life that was not hers. For a time, Luz too had been Historia. She too had wanted to forget her memories that seemed to be nothing but pain and sorrow. Luz had almost been killed twice since she had woken up from this new world, and she only knew that she was a monster. Every time when she wanted to forget, Luz remembered what Armin had told her. She thought of Levi, and of how he had lost his squad. Somehow…I get the feeling that he would agree.
"But you have some happy memoires, right? The memories that overtake the bad ones." Looking as Historia's eyes widened at her words, Luz could see a knowing look in the other girl's eyes. She's thinking about Ymir. Luz had heard Ymir's name mentioned.
"I think that if you have happy memories…even if they are few or even brief…they outweigh the bad memories. Making it so you can live. If you hold onto your happy memories and think about them in times of chaos like it is now…I think…it makes a person want to live more." Luz paused, pondering. "But then…what makes me want to live? I have no memories at all. Not even happy ones. So what makes me live? I suppose it's only human instinct…to live despite not knowing why." Luz could feel Historia's gaze burn into her own.
"But…Armin makes you happy, right?" Luz turned. "I heard you talking last night."
She's talking about that time, Luz thought.
Luz opened the door to the cottage. Levi was nowhere to be found. She was aware of the darkened space. It all seemed quiet. As she walked to where she would sleep, Luz observed there was a faint light in the room across from her. Turning the doorknob silently, she opened the door to the light. Armin was reading by the candlelight. The glow of the candle illuminated his face. Luz saw that there was a twin bunk bed in the room compared to the other room she had been in. A small ladder almost obscured the sleeping face of Jean. Luz recognized him as the few who had listened to Levi, and saw that the seriousness on his face had crumbled to peace. Luz was careful not to disturb him. Armin looked up in surprise when he saw Luz sitting in front of him.
"Luz? What are you doing here?"
"I…want you to tell me…about your world." She registered the surprise and later the pleasant look in his eyes.
"I'd be happy to." And so he talked and she listened even after the light went out.
"It's not like that," Luz whispered as she focused on washing the dishes again. "He just told me about his world. That's all."
"You have to transform back into a Titan." The words coming from Levi's mouth were emotionless. Luz looked blankly at him, her brain not yet registering his words. An acid feeling crept in her throat and she swallowed thickly when Luz realized what Levi wanted her to do. She was in a field. Soon after finishing the morning chores with Historia, Levi had ordered her and his squad to come with him to the fields. Trees complete with dark green pine needles surrounded her, and she was in a deep ravine. Although she knew that the squad and several other Survey Corps members were there in the mountains to make sure that she and Eren didn't go berserk, Luz was aware that those same members had been looking at her with hate only a single day ago.
Luz stared at Levi. His bored gray eyes bored into her own frightened ones, and she saw that Eren was looking at her with an irritated expression. They had told him that he would have to wait until Luz transformed until they began his experimentation. I…can't…do this. Luz's breaths started to come out in uneven gasps as she flashbacked to the shouts and screams of the day before. Monster…monster…monster… The single word echoed in her ears, making it impossible to focus on anything else. If I…transform…all of what they said will come true. Luz bit her lip and closed her eyes in desperation tohalt the tears.
"Calm down." Luz gasped and opened her eyes. Levi was before her, his expression cool and collected. His gray eyes observed her own, which were finally leaking tears. "You need to do this."
"I…can't!" Luz yelled. "I can't," she stated more quietly. "If…I do…I'll be nothing more than a monster again!" Luz put her hands over her mouth to not let her sobs escape. "I'll…eat people again! And…"
"What matters is not what people think of you, but what you think of yourself." Luz's tears stopped. "What do you think of yourself? That's what matters." The fear pounding in her heart seemed to slow as she took in what Levi was trying to tell her. She looked at him, his dark circles under his eyes and his frowning mouth. "Do you see yourself as a monster?" Luz didn't reply. "Well, brat?"
"I…don't know." The breath was coming easily out of her now. She could breathe. "I don't know…what I am."
"Then we're in deep shit then." She was suddenly aware of his hands on her shoulder. Surprisingly…gentle… Luz thought. "No one ever knows how it'll turn out," he told her quietly. "So, choose yourself whichever decision you regret the least." Then he leapt forward from her and landed above the ravine. She aware of the eyes on her, observing her. She stared at Eren, his green eyes flashing, a vague expression of sympathy on his face. Luz glanced at the squad leader named Hanji, who was looking at her with excitement and glee. Everyone else is looking at me in apprehension. Well...almost everyone. It doesn't matter now, though. "You have to create a self-inflicted wound in order to turn back into a Titan, Luz. You must have a clear goal if the transformation is successful. If my hypothesis is correct, the catalyst for Titan-shifting should be the same as Eren's!"
Pain hit her nerves as her teeth broke her skin. Blood flowed into her gums and steadily onto the ground. A change settled within her, making her blood boil. Transform! Luz heard the screams. They were the only sound she was aware of. Her vision faded to black. She could feel the sound of crushing bones and the sound of cracking limbs and of blood…entering her mouth. Luz could hear the screams. She heard the tears and the sobs.
"Okaasan…!"
"Maman, ne me quitte pas!"
"Hilfe, Vater!"
"Detene, por favor!
"Haji…! Je-bal!"
"Zostaw mnie w spokoju!"
"Stop…! Oh god, oh god, please…stop! Stop it!"
"Mum! Don't die!"
"AAAHHH!"
The screams and the voices destroyed her mind. Luz kept hearing them. She kept hearing more….and more. They increased in volume and desperation. The sobs and screams drowned out the concept of time. The darkness started to dissipate, allowing sight to appear again. But she saw the faces. She saw them as they died. Crying faces. Sobbing and screaming faces. Frightened and stunned faces. Eyes filled with fear or despair or emptiness. Eyes filled with hatred. She saw the faces over and over again, the screams engulfing her. The blood, echoing in her mind. She saw as time passed. The people speaking…languages…ceased to exist after a time, replaced by soldiers wearing uniforms that Levi wore. She saw their deaths as well. They seemed far more gruesome than the ones before. Perhaps because they cursed and raved and fought as they died. Luz became numb with the scenes. The bodies echoed in her eyes, but she didn't feel anything. It seemed that the blood was drowning her. She could taste the metallic feeling in her mouth. It never left.
Then she saw him. A tall young man with fierce eyes and stubbed blond hair. She felt his bones creak and break, and blood dripping from his wounds…and she saw him die. Luz saw the faces again. All over again. I… The screams and crying never left her. I… Their blood coated her. I… Spasms shook through her as she realized the terrible, horrifying truth. I…did this. I…ate people. Killed them. Her eyes widened and her mouth gaped, gasps and half-made screams coming through her. I…was a Titan. Suddenly there was a flash before her eyes. The back she had first seen after she had woke appeared before her. Walking. She could vaguely see the face. Luz reached out, trying to desperately grab whatever was left of her sanity. She saw him turn. Her eyes widened even more as she stared at herself. No, not herself. The hair was same. So was the eye color and the almond-shaped eyes. But this person was taller, and had an even thinner face than she. Luz opened her mouth, the name on her lips just as a scream overwhelmed her. His scream. I did this… Luz thought as hysterical sobs tore through her. I…killed them all… I killed them all! Falling into unconsciousness, she escaped from the hell that she had witnessed.
She gasped deeply when she awoke. Her breath was quick, and she was panting and holding the blanket tight in her hands, her head bowed. Only the sounds of her heavy breathing echoed in the room.
"You're awake." Luz snapped her head up and saw Levi sitting on the bed across from her. He didn't seem to notice the barely-focused gaze of the girl before him, or of how her hands stayed limply by her sides. "You took your fucking time."
"Levi, be nice." Luz saw the squad leader Hanji walk towards her, and she flinched. Her breathing started to become erratic again. She would not look in the squad leader's brown eyes.
"What happened?" The question only made Luz panic, and she closed her eyes in attempt to stop the emotions she was feeling. Her lip was bleeding, and her nails almost cut into the sheet covering her. "Luz?" The girl gave a small whimper when she felt a hand placed on her head. "What happened?" Luz attempted to struggle away, but Hanji-san was firm. "What happened?"
"I saw them die!" Luz screamed. She opened her eyes to find Hanji-san and the other present members of Levi's squad stare at her in stunned silence. "I…I…" Tears clouded her eyes, and blood dripped onto the sheet as she continued to gnaw on her lip in an attempt to swallow the scream clawing at her throat. "I killed them all!" She started to scream and cry as the others watched, fear and uncertainty plaguing their eyes. "I killed…them all." She sobbed. As her sobs continued to increase in volume, Luz felt a hard hand on her shoulder.
"Shut up," Levi growled. "I can't understand what you're saying with all that fucking blubbering!" He pulled his hand away. Luz felt nothing but emptiness as the tears that she had shed dried. The despair that had pulsed through her body was gone. She felt like an empty shell.
"I…was a Titan." Her voice held no emotion. "I…did kill people. I ate them. When…I transformed back, I saw everything. I saw all the people I had eaten. Heard their cries and screams. I…saw every face of the people….that had their lives cut short because of me. I saw them die. I…" The emotions were coming back with a vengeance. Her voice rasped. "I killed…all of them. The thousand of faces that I saw…I ate them. Please…" Luz begged. She took a hold of Levi's shirt and pulled him closer to her. "Please…don't make me go through that again. Please! I'll do anything to not go through that hell again! Please…" Luz sobbed. Tears steadily dripped onto Levi's shirt. "Please…Levi…don't make me go through that hell again…"
For a moment all was silent. The only sound in the room was Luz's cries. Then, Levi pulled the hands of the said girl away from him.
"Okay," he stated. Through swollen eyes, Luz saw the others stare in shock.
"But Levi –"
"She will be a liability to us if she loses consciousness every time when she transforms. We need someone who can actually use the power, and someone who is not afraid of it. Although," he stated wryly, "that can only go so far." Levi looked at Luz who was currently drying her eyes. "You gave us an even shittier situation than Eren did, brat. You will use your power, but not today. Instead, someone here will teach you how to use 3D Maneuver Gear and battle tactics." He looked at Luz with an unreadable expression on his face. "Is that understood?"
"Armin…said that you were the best at using 3D Maneuver Gear, so could you…teach me?" Luz asked. Levi's annoyed gaze turned to Armin, who was staring at the floor in embarrassment. She could see others looking at her and at Levi, with expressions ranging from bemused to wounded.
"Is this true what you said, Armin?" Levi barked.
"Yes, Levi-heichō."
"I want to make it so…everyone doesn't think I'm…a monster," Luz had murmured at the end of the conversation. "Could you teach me…how to use that thing?" She pointed to the bulky equipment by the bed.
"3D Maneuver Gear?" Armin stated. "No…I'm not really that good at that myself," he said sheepishly. "But Levi-heichō is amazing! He's the best at using the 3D Maneuver Gear. You should ask him."
"Very well," Levi stated. "I'll train the brat." He stood, and looked back at his new student. "We don't have much time at all. I will train you for two days. It took these brats three whole years to learn. You will have the privilege to learn what is embedded in their brains in two days. You must do this," Levi stated with a hard expression, "otherwise, you will wish you never woke from your nightmare. We start tomorrow at dawn." Without looking back, Levi existed the tent.
"Luz?" Luz didn't pay attention to the voice calling her as she also left the tent. She was only aware of her feet moving until they stopped, across a stream. She could see the stones reflected against the water. At the corner of her eye, she saw Levi looking at the stream as well. Neither of them said anything. Both of them left each person to their own thoughts and feelings…and the nightmares that plagued them.
Thank you for reading this long chapter! I have a question for all the readers, people who favorited and followed this story though. Do you like Luz? Do you hate her? Is there anything I do to improve this story? Please reply if you have an answer. Again, thank you for reading.