Spoilers for Ch. 59.

Losing Humanity

Luz remembered of how the enemy's eyes widened in surprise as she died. Her eyes locked onto Jean's for a brief moment, before the life in her eyes faded away, and as her body fell out of the wagon and onto the ground. Luz felt shock coursing through her veins as she had witnessed Armin killing another human being for the sake of Jean's survival. She had watched as the woman's blood had sprayed through the air, and the determination in Armin's eyes. Jean tried to look at Armin after what had happened, but the young man was focused on his task. Since arriving in the small isolated barn, Jean hadn't spoken to anyone as he sat morosely on the floor. Armin was still outside. Luz could hear his cries. Killing for the sake of protecting a comrade, Luz thought. The child who had begged for her to spare him ran through her mind, numbing her as she thought of how heartless her former self had been. Armin is a good person. Her blue eyes glanced back and forth to the people she now recognized as her comrades, noting of how silent they were as if to honor Armin's pain. I, however… Levi's wounds had been cleaned and bandaged. Although he had refused, Sasha had insisted on stitching the small cuts across his body. He relented, and Luz had admired of how he hadn't made a sound when the needle and thread coursed through his broken skin. Luz tore her gaze from Levi and watched as Mikasa approached the barn door to comfort Armin from his pain.

"Wait, Mikasa." Mikasa stopped and turned towards Luz, her expression slightly annoyed as the young woman spoke. There was a command in her voice that the people in this room had only heard once before. Luz was aware of how Jean's hazel eyes widened when she crouched down in front of him. "You're the one who should comfort him," she stated to the guilt-ridden man.

"But…Armin doesn't want to talk to me." Jean's voice was barely audible, and the shame and guilt in his eyes spoke volumes. "He doesn't want to talk to me," he whispered again. "I'm such a failure. Why…me? I'm the one who caused him to be in this damn situation in the first place!" At the last words, swollen tears appeared from Jean's eyes and streaked down his face as he started to tremble. He's afraid, Luz realized as Jean continued to cry. He's afraid that Armin will denounce him as coward that he feels he is. You're not a coward, Jean. Luz thought as she continued to stand motionless in front of the shaking man in front of her. You still have humanity left in you.

"Because you're the only one who can possibly understand what he's going through right now." Shocked hazel orbs met hers, and her eyes glanced down onto the tears across his face. "Comfort him, Jean. I know he'll understand." Jean closed his eyes for a moment. He roughly wiped away his tears and stood. A sudden touch of Luz's shoulder caused her to look up at the much taller man. He whispered thank you to her, the words conveying the guilt and sorrow he held inside. Then without a backward glance, the troubled man walked outside. No one spoke after that moment. Luz could feel everyone's eyes on her, questions in their gazes. Her mind was overwhelmed by Jean's touch, hearing his hoarse thank you in her ears. It caused a stir in her heart. A long-ago memory of having another boy's arms around her. Dark hair framed his face, and her eyes stared back at her. Now he truly is a child, Luz thought as she increasingly became enveloped in the memory. She could sense that she was not much taller than him. She could sense her small child hands griping him tightly, as if she was not willing to let him go. "I'll never let anything hurt you, little sister." The child started to cry, and it was at that moment that Luz's heart stopped. It's... Everything shattered into little tiny pieces.

"Luz." The sound of her name caused the memory to fade away. She could see Levi's eyes stare at her curiously with annoyance in his gaze. The others stared at her, stunned.

"What?" She was aware of how her voice seemed unlike her own. Raspy, drugged with sleep. She turned her bleary eyes on Levi.

"You were singing," he stated in a monotone voice. "In the most guttural and teeth-grinding…speech I've ever heard." He paused. "It was entertaining though."

The night was soundless. The moon shone through the sky, and the darkness was omnipotent enough that Luz couldn't see anything visible around her before Levi had made the fire. She and several of her comrades, including Armin and Jean, were illuminated in its light. She had listened silently as Levi voiced his concern for Armin in his own way of speaking, and now observed the communication between Jean and Armin. Their bond will never break, Luz thought as she witnessed the newly forced intimacy between them. She thought about how their gazes between each other spoke what words could convey, and saw Jean hesitating with a heartbroken expression as Armin waited for his answer.

"Before she opened fire, she hesitated, right?" Levi said.

"Oh…" Armin's blue eyes widened at his words as he took in what he said. Shock and horror coursed through his face in waves.

"Armin…" Jean too was suffering through this horror. His eyes were tightly closed, and an agonized expression scarred his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely. "I should've been the one to shoot under those circumstances."

"You're right," Armin stated slowly. He glanced at Jean, an expression grief in his eyes. "The one who perished under my actions…must have been a kind person. She had more morality than me." Jean was staring at Armin open-mouthed, words wanting to escape but couldn't. As he continued to stare at his friend, Luz could see his expression of sorrow turn into one of anger.

"Armin – " Desperation echoed in his voice as it failed him. He gritted his teeth. "Goddamn it. I was the one who was supposed to save you…but you saved me again." Jean sighed. "You have no idea what kind of self-loathing I had for myself as you took the burden that was meant for me." His hazel eyes became determined, and he grasped Armin's hands in his own. "I promise you, I will protect you, and you won't have to bear my burden ever again."

"Armin." Levi's voice cut through the night. "Your hands have already been dirtied. There is no going back." His gray eyes searched Armin's, his voice conveying no emotion. He's right, Luz thought as she heard the gunshot from 107 years ago. There is no going back. The one I killed… "Just try to accept your new self. If your hands had stayed clean, Jean wouldn't be sitting with us right now. The reason why you pulled the trigger is because you were witnessing your friend's imminent death. You were smart, you knew at that moment at that moment a half-assed decision or action wouldn't save anyone." Levi paused for a moment, letting his words sink in. For a brief moment, Luz's and Levi's eyes met. "And you were also very clear…that if either lost supplies, horses, or companions…our future would become even bleaker." A surprising gentle tone emerged from him as he stared with new respect for Armin in his eyes. "Armin, because you dirtied your hands, we were able to escape. Thank you." He says thank you many times, Luz observed as she remembered the scene with Historia. Now they see who he truly is, Luz thought as she witnessed the others' expressions as Jean spoke. Kind, compassionate, and human. Levi, she thought with surprising fondness, you truly are better than me.

"Even I cannot say which decision which would've been correct," Levi stated. "We can never predict the results of this kind of situation…was your choice really wrong?"

As the others stared at their leader in shock and confusion, Luz slowly burrowed into herself as she comprehended his question. What would he think of that time? Luz thought, the intensity of her anxiety shocking her. What do I…think of myself?

"As long as you kill a person in order to protect someone," Luz stated softly in the fire, "I think taking a life is justified." She stopped, feeling the stares. She felt Levi's most of all, and ignored the pounding in her chest as she spoke, hesitantly that time. "I...killed not to protect anyone. In my former life, I was a soldier from a long time ago. Only," she stated with a slight tremor, "I saved no one. I didn't kill for anyone. I killed just for the benefit of myself."

Luz was aware that the cool wind was seeping through her limbs, but she still did not leave from the fire or from Levi. Her leader was staring into the fire, his expression unreadable. They were alone. Luz lifted her head and looked at the sky. The moon was shining, and two stars gave off their light.

"Do you remember what I said?" Levi asked her. He was looking at her now, his expression surprisingly soft. "A monster is someone who feels nothing from their actions, no matter what the actions may be." She nodded. "Don't forget it. Otherwise, you'll forget who you are."

"You're very kind, Levi," Luz whispered to him. Again, fondness spread through her as she stared at this man. His eyes narrowed. "You present yourself as uncaring and cruel, but you're actually kind and caring."

"You mean I'm weak," he countered. A raspy tone that Luz had only heard when he had talked about his squad when she had been lost and dead inside appeared. "I have to show this side to them. Otherwise, how would they follow me?"

Luz smiled for a moment before it faded. "You're a better human than me," she whispered. Sudden tears stung her eyes, and she sniffed as they rolled down her cheeks. "You killed to protect. I…" She watched as Levi observed her, his eyes calm as he watched her unravel. "I'm not certain of what I did. All I know is that there's a part of me that doesn't want to remember." The boy's bloody face flashed through her mind, causing her to shudder. "Is the truth…really better than pretending to be human? I killed and killed so many times just to save myself. Ever since we escaped from the Military Police," she stated as she remembered broken memories haunting her mind. "The memories are coming back more…and more. And every time I killed," she whispered as loneliness and despair washed through her, "I killed only to save myself."

"Who did you kill?"

Levi's words caused another stream of tears. Luz felt her heart breaking, and held her hands together in vain to stop them shaking. She opened her swollen eyes, and saw that Levi had no malice towards her. No hatred. No judgment. Levi…thank you. "Mothers…fathers….brothers and sisters." Her heart clenched as she came closer to the truth. "Sons…daughters…and grandchildren." A sob clawed at her throat. "I killed…I killed my brother." Shaking sobs escaped from her gaping mouth as realized the truth. A moan expanded through her chest. "I killed my brother!" Although her shout echoed through the night and through the sky, Levi did not reprehend her. Instead, he walked over to her and embraced her. Luz gasped as she felt his arms around her, holding her. His grip was strong, and she felt his hands through her thick hair. She heard his heartbeat against her chest, and Luz thought she hadn't heard a more beautiful sound. Tears filled her eyes again, and they dripped onto his shoulder as they kept coming, never ceasing. Somehow though, Luz did not feel ashamed.

"I killed my brother," she whimpered against him.

She felt free.