Ch.9
She sat down at the table, placing her journal down in front of her. She knew that Daryl was going to make them leave soon, that they wouldn't be able to stay here. The funeral home had been a lucky find, but she felt guilty for taking so much and not saying thank you before they left.
"I'm gonna leave a thank you note," she said softly, picking up her pen and making the first marks on the blank piece of paper.
"Why?" Daryl asked, looking at her strangely.
"For when they come back…if they come back…even if they're not coming back, I still wanna say thanks."
She wasn't stupid. While she wanted to believe that whoever had been staying at this place was still alive, that they were just gone for a little bit but were going to come back, she knew that there was a chance that they wouldn't come back. So she'd leave them a note, thanking them for giving them a place to stay and get some much needed rest and the redneck brunch that her and Daryl had been enjoying all day long. But she wanted to thank them for the piano, too.
"Maybe you don't have to write that," Daryl said, nodding his head in the direction of the paper.
At that Beth looked up at him.
"Maybe we can stick around here a little while. When they come back, we'll just make it work. They may be nuts, but, maybe they're alright," he said, taking another bite of the jelly he had been munching on all day long.
"So you do think there are still good people around," she said, not able to help the smile that formed on her face.
Daryl shrugged his shoulders, looking away from her, continuing to eat the jelly in an attempt to distract himself.
"What changed your mind?"
"You know," he said, glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes.
"What?"
"Mhmmhmm."
"Beth rolled her eyes. "Don't 'mhmmhmm.' What changed your mind?"
He just looked at her. His eyes didn't leave her face. His intense gaze boring down on her, just looking at her. And she knew what he meant. She had changed his mind. She was the reason he was considering staying here. She was the reason he was beginning to believe that there were still good people around, that there was still good in the world.
"Oh," she said breathlessly, not able to form any other word.
The moment was broken by the rattling of cans, causing them both to turn their heads, breaking the comfortable silence and lingering stare they had been sharing. Daryl reached for the jar of pig's feet, unscrewing the cap and pulling one of the gross items out.
"I'm gonna give that mutt one more chance," he said, getting to his feet and walking out of the room.
Beth was alone, the candlelight dimly illuminating the room, casting strange shadows on the wall. She heard the door open. She was hoping that Daryl would be able to get the dog to come inside. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen a dog. And then everything changed, the peacefulness ended.
"Beth! Beth!" Daryl yelled loudly.
Beth immediately stood up. She could hear the panic in his voice. Something was wrong. She looked to where he had been sitting and noticed that he had left his crossbow. Without hesitating, she picked it up and slowly limped towards the main entrance.
Daryl was standing there, his back pressed against the door. She heard groans, and her attention was brought to the large group of walkers pushing against the door. Daryl reached his hand out for his crossbow and Beth quickly tossed it to him.
"Run! Run!" he yelled at her, waving his hand for her to go.
Beth shook her head. She wasn't leaving him. She couldn't leave him.
Daryl moved away from the door, quickly turning around to face it, his crossbow aimed and ready to shoot. The walkers threw the door open, tumbling inside. Both Beth and Daryl started to back away.
"Beth, grab your bag, go through a window. Get your shit!"
He was leading the walkers away from her now, going in the opposite direction she had went. Her heart was racing. She couldn't leave him. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want him to be alone.
"I'm not gonna leave you."
"Go to the road! I'll meet you there!"
Beth hesitated, standing in the doorway to a room she wasn't familiar with. She knew that staying in this house was a death sentence for her. She had an injured ankle, which meant she wouldn't be able to outrun the walkers in the house. He had promised to meet her at the road, so that's where she would be waiting.
She made her way back to the kitchen. The candles were still lit. Her journal was still sitting open, the pen lying on the pages. She quickly grabbed her bag and threw the journal and pen in there before slinging the back pack onto her back. She looked around the room and saw a window, immediately limping over to it.
It was boarded, just like every other window in the funeral home. The boards were meant to keep the walkers out, but right now they were keeping Beth in. Slowly lifting the bottom glass panel, she began to push against the boards, but they weren't budging.
She sighed frustratedly. She didn't know how to get out. And then she rushed over to the table, pushing everything off of it and then scooting it over to the window. She climbed on top of the table, positioning herself so that her knees were bent, her feet resting against the boards. With all of the force she could, she kicked at the boards. Again and again and again. Pain shot up her leg, her ankle feeling as if it was going to explode with each forceful blow to the boards. And then finally one of the boards gave way, the others following shortly after.
She was smart. She looked out the window to check for walkers. When she saw that this small area was clear, she hopped out, being careful to land on her good ankle. And then she did what Daryl told her, she ran. She ran as fast as she could, but running was impossible with her ankle, so she slowed her pace, limping as fast as she could to the road, dodging the occasional walker that lunged at her.
She reached the black pavement a few minutes later. Daryl wasn't there. The road was empty. There weren't any walkers. It was just her. Her breathing was ragged from the exertion of getting out of the funeral home and to the road. She would wait here, wait here like Daryl said, wait here for Daryl to come out, and then they would find someplace else, someplace safe to stay.
But then there was a bright light. The crunch of gravel against the pavement. She was confused. She couldn't tell what was going on. The light was blinding her, and she raised a hand to shield her eyes. Then she heard a door open and then shut. It was a car.
And for a brief moment she felt herself relax. It was Daryl. Daryl had gotten out and found a car. They would be able to drive in a car and find someplace safe to stay. But then the figure got closer, and Beth backed up. And though she could only make out a shadowy silhouette, Beth knew that it wasn't Daryl. Daryl was still in the house. He would have met her on the road before he went off and found a car.
The figure kept walking closer and Beth kept backing up. She turned on her good heel and started to move as fast as she could. She didn't know who this person was and Daryl wasn't here.
But then she was roughly pulled backwards by a hand grabbing her backpack. She stumbled back, putting weight on her ankle and nearly collapsing. The person was pulling her backwards, back towards himself. She managed to wriggle free from the backpack and began to run, only managing to go a few paces faster than a vigorous walk.
And she thought that she had a chance. She had believed that she had an actual chance of getting away. She didn't hear anyone following her, and she thought that she had made it until a muscular arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her back against a warm body wearing a thin jacket.
And she couldn't help the scream that escaped her throat. A scream of fear. A scream for help. A scream that she hoped would catch the attention of a walker. A scream that she was praying would reach the ears of Daryl.
Instinctually she reached for her knife, something Daryl had taught her to do whenever she felt threatened in any way. In one quick movement she unsheathed the sharp blade, but a hand was at her wrist, squeezing tightly, causing her to loosen her grip and drop the knife.
She screamed again. The hand went to her mouth, muffling the cry for help. She felt her feet dragging against the pavement as the man pulled her backwards, back towards the car. And she began to panic. She began to fight. She began to kick as both of her hands went to the hand covering her mouth, desperately trying to pull it away so that her screams could be heard.
And she felt the tears trailing down her face. She felt her heart sinking further and further with each step the man took towards the car. She was trying to get away, but she wasn't making any progress. And she felt herself getting more and more tired, the energy draining from her even with the adrenaline coursing through her veins.
Another car door opened. Another figure stepped out. Her vision was blurry from her tears. Her screams were muffled by the large, calloused hand. The arm around her waist was getting tighter, making it impossible to fight back. But she kept trying to get away. She kept dragging her feet. She kept trying to pry the hand away.
She felt something hit her head. There was a sudden pain. She felt the warm trickle of blood beginning to run down the side of her face. The world was spinning, getting darker and darker. She couldn't fight back anymore .She heard muffled voices. And then the world around her faded into complete darkness.
Beth woke with a gasp, the same way she had woken for the past ten days. She had been having the same dream every night, recounting the same memory in her head every time she fell asleep ever since she had talked to Daryl and he had asked her what had happened.
They were on the road now, had been for six days, and she hadn't spoken a word to Daryl since he had asked her. She had shut herself out to everyone the moment Daryl had asked her what had happened to her after he had told her to run. She backed out of any conversations taking place, and would occasionally say yes or no when she was asked a question.
Looking around their makeshift camp for the night, she noticed that everyone was starting to pack up. She was grateful that nobody was looking at her. She figured that they must have gotten used to the strangled screams and loud gasps that woke her up; either that, or they had taken her glares as a sign not to pay any attention to them.
She began to pack up her things, putting her knife back in its sheath as she began to fold up the blankets she had been using. Maggie had insisted that Beth take her blanket, saying that Beth needed it more and that Maggie and Glenn could share a blanket. She was thankful for the extra blanket, too, because the nights got cold and she refused to sleep next to another body.
And she was carrying her old bag, the one that Daryl had given back to her, but she hadn't opened it yet. She knew that she would probably never open it. What was in that bag belonged to someone else, the items belonged to a naïve girl who had believed that there was still good in the world, a girl who somehow had been able to see the good in anyone. But she wasn't that girl anymore, and looking into that bag seemed like an invasion of somebody else's privacy.
"Everyone ready to go?" Rick called out, his eyes scouring over everyone, making sure everyone was packed.
Beth slowly stood up, slinging the black bag onto her back. She reached down to grab her blankets, but stopped midway when a rough hand reached them first. She didn't have to look at the familiar face, the shaggy hair, the blue eyes to know that it was Daryl.
"I got 'em," he said softly, grabbing the blankets and stuffing them into his bag.
Beth took a step back. This had become the morning routine. Daryl would take her blankets and put them in his bag. The group would start walking again, and Beth would go to the back where she could be alone. But her solitude never lasted long, because Daryl would slow his pace until everyone had passed him and he was walking beside her.
Beth didn't even look at Daryl before she walked away. She didn't thank him for carrying her blankets. She simply took her spot at the back of the group as they headed back towards the road. And it wasn't even five minutes before Daryl was at her side.
"Hey," he said quietly, glancing over at her.
Beth kept walking, her eyes glued to the ground.
"You sleep alright?"
She didn't answer him. She was getting tired of this. It was the same thing every day. After he fell to the back of the group with her, he would start a one-way conversation. She knew that it was his attempt to get her to talk, but she wasn't taking the bait.
"You eat anything for breakfast? You're still pretty thin."
Beth let out a soft, quiet sigh, rolling her eyes.
"If ya' get hungry, I have some granola bars, but that's about all we have right now."
Beth wanted to scream when Maggie made her way back to them. Beth was now effectively sandwiched between the two, Daryl on her left and Maggie on her right. All she wanted was to be alone.
"Hey, Bethy," Maggie said, smiling softly as she brushed a strand of hair out of Beth's eyes. "There's a town coming up. We're going to stop there. Hopefully they have a grocery store so we can get some food."
Maggie looked to Daryl when Beth didn't say anything, and Beth saw the frown on her sister's face. Maggie was trying to do the same thing, she was trying to get Beth to talk, to say something, anything, to give more than a one-word answer.
"Are you warm enough at night? Maybe we can find you another blanket or a thicker shirt."
"I'm fine."
"Bob said that you haven't been letting him look at your wrists…"
"I'm keepin' them clean."
"Beth, you should let Bob clean them."
"I said that I'm keepin' them clean," Beth mumbled.
Maggie nodded.
"Town's up ahead," Daryl said quietly, raising a finger and pointing.
It didn't take them long to find the grocery store. It was practically the only thing in the town other than a library and diner. Rick and the others cleared the store while Beth waited outside with Carol, who was holding Judith. Beth had wanted to help, but the others had told her that she was still too weak, that it would be better if she stayed outside and helped Carol with Judith. Beth was motioned inside by Maggie a few minutes later, Carol following her in.
The store wasn't big, but it wasn't small either. And much to Beth's surprise, the shelves were almost fully stocked. Beth summed it up to the town being in the middle of nowhere, and most people had gone to the big cities that had offered sanctuary during the start of the outbreak.
Beth broke away from the group and began to aimlessly wander the aisles. She knew that she should be helping, that she should be looking for food that they could use, but she wasn't. She was taking this opportunity to have time alone. She was standing in front a rack of magazines when Maggie walked up to her.
"Here," Maggie said, extending her arm.
Beth looked down and saw that Maggie was holding a small box in her hand.
"Figured we should get them while we can," Maggie said, laughing softly.
Beth looked at the box again and she felt the blood drain from her face. Maggie was handing her a box of tampons. A box of tampons for when she was on her period.
"You okay?" Maggie asked worriedly.
It was in this moment that Beth realized that she was late. The last time she had been on her period was before the Governor attacked the prison, before she had to flee the prison with Daryl. But that had been weeks ago, maybe months. She didn't really know how much time had passed between the prison and her being found, but she knew that her period was late.
"Beth, i-is something wrong?"
Beth shook her head. "No. Nothing," she said, her shaking voice revealing her lie.
Maggie looked at her skeptically, but she didn't say anything.
"Thanks," Beth said, reaching out and taking the box from Maggie and putting it in her bag.
Beth quickly turned on her heel and walked away. Her heart was racing. Her mind was trying to pinpoint the last time she had been on her period, trying to figure out how long it had been. And with each passing second, her stomach dropped lower and lower.
Beth spent the rest of the day in complete silence. They had set up camp later that afternoon in the woods just off of the road. She had sat by the fire while Daryl cooked the squirrels he had managed to shoot. She sat by the fire, staring blankly as everyone ate but she didn't. She couldn't. She felt sick to her stomach, her nerves not having settled down since the grocery store.
"Hey, Beth, think we can go have a talk," Maggie asked, squatting down next to Beth and gently placing a hand on her shoulder.
Beth looked at Maggie.
"C'mon," Maggie said softly, taking Beth's hand and carefully pulling her to her feet.
Beth would have protested, she should have protested, but she was too lost in her own thoughts. She let Maggie guide her to a spot not far from their camp, a secluded area where nobody would be able to hear what they were talking about.
"You wanna tell me what happened back there?" Maggie asked quietly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Beth mumbled, even though she knew exactly what Maggie was asking.
"Back at the convenience store, when I gave you the tampons…something happened…"
"It was nothing."
"Beth…"
Beth kept her head down, watching her boot as her foot lightly pushed a leaf.
"Did something happen to you, Beth?" Maggie asked quietly. "Did someone touch you?"
"Let's just say that I was a virgin before we had to leave the prison, I was still a virgin when I was with Daryl…but now I'm not," Beth whispered, her voice shaking.
Beth could feel Maggie's eyes on her, but she refused to look at her. She didn't want to see the solemn expression that she knew was painted onto her sister's face. She didn't want Maggie's pity; she didn't want anyone's pity. And in this moment she was reminded that she had been right. This was the first of thousands of secrets that would be revealed. And she knew that it was only a matter of time before the whole group knew the secret that she had just told Maggie. The first hint of her darkness was beginning to seep out of her and soon the whole group would be able to see it.
"Did he…" Maggie trailed off, taking a shaky breath. "Did he use protection?"
Beth wanted to scoff at Maggie's question. He? Did he use protection? She wanted to correct Maggie and tell her that it was more than just one man. She wanted to tell her that her body had been an object, a toy, for many men, dozens of times. But she didn't say anything, because maybe she could keep that part of her story a secret. It was a small part, but it was something, something that hopefully only Beth would ever know.
"No," Beth whispered, her eyes glued to her feet.
There was a long pause. Beth assumed that Maggie was processing this new information. She was probably trying to think of what to say. Because while Maggie may have had the right words for Beth back at the farm or even at the prison, she definitely didn't have the right words for Beth now.
"Okay," Maggie finally said. "We'll just take this day by day. The next time we come across a pharmacy or convenience store we'll get you a pregnancy test."
That immediately caught Beth's attention and she quickly snapped her head up to look at Maggie, her eyes wide.
"No," she said quickly, her voice louder than she intended.
"Beth…" she trailed off again. "We need to know…"
"No," Beth said again. "We don't need to do anything. We are not getting a pregnancy test."
"Okay. Then you can get one for yourself…I can just look for something else while you're getting one."
"You don't get it. I'm not getting a damn pregnancy test, Maggie!"
"Beth…you need to know. We need to know what we're dealing with. I-if you are pregnant, we need to know so that we can get what we need."
Beth let out a long, loud, exasperated sigh of frustration. "No."
"Beth…"
"I'm not getting one, Maggie. Because if I get one, even if I go alone, everyone will find out," Beth said, her eyes starting to fill with tears, causing her to quickly turn her head away from Maggie in the hopes that she wouldn't see. "And if everyone finds out that I got a stupid pregnancy test, they'll start to ask questions, and they'll find out the truth."
Beth brought her hand to her eyes and quickly wiped the tears away. She risked a glance at Maggie out of the corner of her eye. She was wearing that same solemn expression that she had been before, the one that Beth didn't want to see.
"And I didn't even want you to know. And you really don't even know the beginning of it. So we're not getting a pregnancy test."
Maggie brought her hand to Beth's chin, gently bringing Beth's face to look at her. She didn't say anything for a few moments. She just looked at Beth. Her eyes were brimming with tears, but Maggie wasn't letting them fall.
"Okay," Maggie said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Okay," she said again, nodding. "We won't get a pregnancy test. We'll deal with it, okay? Whatever happens, we'll deal with it, just like Daddy always told us to do," Maggie promised, her finger lightly stroking Beth's cheek in an attempt to comfort her.
Beth closed her eyes, her breathing stuttered from her crying.
"We're gonna deal with it, Beth. Everything's gonna be okay. I promise you," Maggie said shakily.
Beth knew that Maggie was using all of her strength to keep herself from crying. She was trying to be strong for Beth, because in this moment Beth felt shattered.
"How about we go back there and you get something to eat, and then I'll set out your blankets and you can go to sleep. Does that sound good?"
Beth nodded, opening her eyes again.
"Don't tell anyone."
"I won't," Maggie whispered, pulling her hand away from Beth's cheek. "I'm not gonna tell anyone."
And Beth took comfort in her sister's promise. She took comfort in a promise that she knew would be broken. She knew that her secret would slip from one of their lips. She knew that there was a chance that someone else had heard her confession. But she held on to the promise that for now the only people who would know about what happened to her was herself and Maggie.
Author's Note: So this is a pretty long chapter, which is always exciting! And to be honest, this chapter was originally much longer, but I took a few parts out because I felt as if they didn't fit, and some felt like they belong in later chapters.
I realize that this chapter may disappoint a few of my readers for two reasons. 1) A lot of the reviews from last chapter mentioned being excited to hear Beth tell Daryl what happened to her. But that doesn't happen in this chapter. In fact, Beth is pushing Daryl away. Beth hasn't said a word to him for over a week. She didn't answer his question about what happened to her after he told her to run, but she keeps dreaming about it. 2) I think that most of my reader's were under the impression, or at least hoping/expecting that Beth would open up to Daryl and tell him what happened to her before she told Maggie. But in this chapter Beth ends up telling Maggie in a round-about way that she was raped. She doesn't go in to any detail about it, and she never comes out and directly says that she was raped, but she knows that Maggie knows the truth. Why did I do this? Maggie is Beth's sister, and I find it only natural that Maggie would be the first to know, whether Beth wanted her to or not. And maybe Maggie would have never found out, maybe Beth would have never told her, but they were at that grocery store, and that box of tampons brought it all on.
I also realize that this chapter may get some negative reviews. Beth has already been through so much, and now I'm throwing in the chance of a pregnancy. But I'm trying to keep this story realistic. Chances are that during a zombie apocalypse men as bad as the men that kidnapped Beth wouldn't care if they used protection. So there is a chance that Beth could be pregnant, but there is also the chance that she isn't.
Please leave a review and tell me what you think!