AN: Hello chapter full of Wessa and Will Angst (which is entirely a thing to be capitalized).
A week into his house arrest Will was starting to lose his mind. He wanted out of the Institute. He'd taken to snapping at people when they came to talk to him and they'd started giving him a wider berth. The possibility of forming friendships faded each time he scowled in response to an idiom he didn't understand or a hastily retracted invitation he couldn't accept.
"The smart ass temper is a family trait," Alec said to him, "Here I thought it was unique to you, Jace."
"It is unique to me, I am much wittier," Jace retorted.
They'd been standing in the training room because training for hours was one of the few things that could exhaust Will enough that he could sleep through his nerves. Was time moving forward at home? Had they noticed he was gone? Could his absence change the future? Was he going to be able to go home? Was he going to be able to face Jem when he got there? How did you look your dying best friend in the eye and tell them that you knew what would happen to them?
"Modesty is another family trait," Will said with a little less growl in his voice. He liked Jace. He found him slightly insufferable but he still liked him. Alec was more of a curiosity because of his relationship with Magnus. Will didn't quite know what to make of someone who seemed reserved and normal and yet managed to make a person like Magnus into someone's father. Will waved a hand in the air, "As is gambling and drinking too much. We're an interesting family."
"Gambling?" Jace said. "Are you a gambler?"
"No, but my father managed to gamble away the family home in Wales. I don't know about the ones after me, you'd have to ask Tess. She seems to know," Will said.
He had not asked. Jem had told him that anything he asked they would answer and he was terrified to know so he hadn't asked a single question about his family.
"I didn't even know that she knew the Herondales before you showed up," Jace said. "I guess I could have figured it out. I knew that Zach had had a Herondale for a parabatai and I knew that she had known him since they were young. She doesn't talk about herself much."
"Magnus knows your family too. He's told me a little bit about you and about your son," Alec said, "Magnus knew him too. Magnus doesn't talk a lot about himself either, I think it is a warlock thing but I know some of the stories. He respects you. He doesn't talk about many of the old-time Shadowhunters with respect but you're an exception. You and Henry Branwell."
"Most people don't respect Henry," Will said hoping that it was a clear enough signal to stop the conversation so he wouldn't have to find out what Alec knew about his son. The son he had with some woman he probably hadn't met yet and he was quite certain he couldn't love as much as he wanted to love the person he married.
He wanted love like his parents had.
No, it was much more specific than that. He wanted Tessa to turn that smile she only ever gave Jem on him and love him as much as he loved her. But it hadn't been Tessa. Tessa had spent her life waiting for Jem. Tessa was a warlock and couldn't have children. The son in the story Magnus had told couldn't possibly be theirs. It as an impossible fantasy either way.
"If someone could tell me my future, I think I'd want to know," Jace said.
"Hell, I wouldn't," Alec said.
"I think I would. My future will be thrilling and exciting and full of fantastic deeds," Jace said.
"Whereas my future features a marriage of convenience and never getting to truly see my best friend again," Will said but he said it in Welsh. It turned out to be an excellent distraction that led to Will teaching the others how to swear in Welsh while they threw knives and Will attempted to avoid any conversations about himself.
The day after the impromptu language lesson, Will was wandering the corridors with a book Tessa had given him in hand. He walked and he read. There were many closed doors and he itched to open them all but he was trying his best not to pry so he read while he walked so he wouldn't be quite so tempted.
The book she'd given him was the most ridiculous thing he had ever read and yet he hadn't been able to put it down. It made absolutely no sense. It was titled Slaughterhouse Five and even that didn't particularly make sense. Reading a history of the city of Dresden and the Second World War that he'd lifted from the library didn't help it make sense. And yet he was on his third read through and he'd started writing things in the margins of the book and hoping that Tessa wouldn't kill him for defacing her volume.
He hadn't told anyone he'd taken the history book. Mundane history had been hard to find in the library but he'd managed to find the small selection of books. The arrivals, in one of the few instances they'd been allowed to be in the same room, were told that they were not going to be given any access to the modern world beyond what was unavoidable. It would make reintegrating when they returned home more seamless. Will had gone looking nearly as soon as the meeting was over.
He read and he walked and he tried to make sense of alien worlds and time travel and wars that were simultaneously far in the past and far in the future.
He heard the voices and stopped.
Voices were not unusual. It was an Institute after all and it was full of people but one of the voices was Tessa's. He was sure of that before he could hear the words. Her accent was different but her voice was the same. Her American accent had been softened by years in England and other places but she still sounded like herself.
"Why does it matter if I take him or not?" Tessa asked and she didn't sound happy. Will tucked his finger into his place in the book and leaned against the partially opened door to listen. It was eavesdropping but it was Tessa and she was talking to Maryse as though she thought the Shadowhunter was an idiot. Will had started to see Maryse as the reason he couldn't leave and though he knew, rationally, that it wasn't fair he couldn't shake it. The idea of Tessa telling her off in her Warlock Queen voice was too enticing to ignore.
"He is a Shadowhunter and will be important to our history. The Clave doesn't want them to bring too much information back to the past when we return them," Maryse said.
"I trust him and he can handle himself. He's smarter than most people and he won't cause a scene the first time a bus goes by him," Tessa said and Will checked that there was no one around to see him before he smiled at that.
"I know the Carstairs and the Herondales have a history but that doesn't give either you or your husband carte blanche to come in here and just sign him out like he's a library book. I will have to talk to Zachariah if he continues interrupting William's schedule here. We are trying to maintain normalcy," Maryse said and she said it as though she were reading from a text book. This was the company line, the thing the Clave had told her to say.
"The Carstairs and the Herondales do have a history," Tessa said and there was a greater force in her voice than had been there before. "Their history begins with those two. Jem hasn't been showing up here to upset your careful routines because he feels some responsibility to the Herondale family name. He's here because he and Will were parabatai. Those two are where that old connection between the families began. I'm trying to care that it might upset history but I just don't. Maybe history needs upsetting. You cannot ask Jem not to talk to Will. That's absurd. If it were Alec and Jace would you expect them to obey those rules?"
"That can be evaluated," Maryse said, "But you cannot take William out of this building. These rules don't come from me."
"I can track spells but only if the spell is actually there. We need to figure out exactly which spell keeps latching onto them when they step out of the warding and Magnus's little tests on the werewolves in your back alley aren't helping. I need someone I can take halfway across town. I need them far away from your warding and I need to be able to trust them to handle themselves in a strange environment," Tessa said. Her voice was strong and final when she said, "Will is the best choice."
"Fine, don't take the werewolf. Take Alison. She is from the 70s, it will be less of a shock for her," Maryse said.
"She also hates warlocks and will resist every bit of magic I attempt. She's been an ass to Magnus and Catarina all week. We will get no where and then I will throw her into the Hudson in a fit of annoyance," Tessa said.
"She can -" Maryse started but Tessa cut her off.
"Let me explain, I'm not so much asking permission as explaining my rationale," Tessa said.
"This is a Clave problem, not a warlock one," Maryse said.
"Then you can solve it yourself," Tessa said, "But wait, there are no Shadowhunters who can track spells, there are no Shadowhunters who can act as seers and see the magic as it is cast, there are no Shadowhunters who can follow Dmitri down into the Warlock markets. You need us."
There was a long silent moment. Will leaned against the wall and grinned to himself. Tessa Gray had first impressed him when she'd swung a jug at his head. She had never stopped impressing him. He didn't lean in to see her staring Maryse down but he pictured it and smiled a little wider.
"I'll bring him back before dark," Tessa said in response to something Will didn't see happen.
"Will you accept an armed escort?" Maryse asked.
"Yes," Tessa said, "I'd rather people I know."
"Simon and Isabel should be available," Maryse said.
"That's acceptable," Tessa said.
Will didn't have time to go anywhere so he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall beside the door. Tessa stalked out looking fierce and beautiful and all the carefully constructed things he was going to say to her fell apart. He hadn't been alone with her in so very long. He hadn't touched her since the day he'd come to this place with Magnus. He regretted that choice no matter how many times he reminded himself that it was safer this way, safer for them. He was too selfish not to regret it.
His very stupid arms uncrossed themselves and he had to stop himself before that turned into actually reaching for her. The anger and the harshness in Tessa's face had vanished. It was just gone when she saw him. She froze and he let his hands drop down. He'd forgotten he was holding the book and almost dropped it. Tessa turned and closed Maryse's office door.
"Are we going on a trip?" he asked in a conspiratorial whisper.
"Jem made it sound like you were about to start breaking down the walls if someone didn't get you out of here," she said after she had led him halfway down the hall where they couldn't be overheard. "Do you often skulk the halls and eavesdrop?"
"No, only on you. You're a unique case," Will said and then bit his tongue because that was not something he should have said to her. She laughed and he grinned at her as she leaned in against his shoulder in the same little bump that Jem did.
"Wait," Will said pausing and then hurrying to catch up to her, "Jem said that I want to leave? Is that why you are here? Did you lie to her?"
"There are genuine magical reasons to take you out of here and attempt to track the spell," Tessa said.
"But," he prompted falling into step beside her.
"I lied a little bit. I probably won't be able to learn anything useful at all," Tessa said. "But the Strand is one of the largest bookstores in the city and Jem wanted to go for sushi and you'll probably hate sushi but you should try it. I want to take you on the subway. I want to show you central park. I want a day Will. If they can do this, if they can send you back," she stopped dead in the hall. Will almost left her behind and when he turned back she was more serious than he expected.
She continued, "If they can do that then I want a day to just be together before you're gone. But if you think you are a threat to the future or the past or whatever it is the Clave theorists think you are, you are welcome to stay here."
"I will always choose to be where you are," Will said and bit his tongue again. She looked at him. Her eyes were misty mornings when everything smelled fresh and sharp and new. He tried to back track and make that statement more appropriate but he couldn't think straight enough with her eyes on him to form his thoughts into words.
She stepped in closer to him and her eyes were sad. He'd been bracing himself for anger. He'd been bracing himself for her to tell him that she wasn't his to be with. Instead, she very slowly wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in close. He collapsed around her so she was pulled in as tightly as he could manage. He stopped himself before he pressed his face into her neck because he didn't think he'd be able to resist kissing her if he was that close to her skin.
Neither of them broke away first. Tessa settled herself lower so her arms were looped around his waist and her head was on his chest at just the right height to rest his chin on her hair. No one spoke and in the silent empty hall the only sounds were their breathing and their heartbeats. Will could almost hear them echo off the stone.
The silence was interrupted by footsteps and Will started to pull away. Tessa grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into the nearest doorway. They found themselves in a disused office in great need of dusting. The furniture had been covered in white sheets but the empty bookshelves were heavy with dust. No one had been in here in a very long time.
Tessa was still too close and he wrapped his arm around her again. She was watching by the door but she let it fall closed when he touched her. She wasn't nearly so close this time and he could feel the warmth of her hands where she'd rested them on his chest. The clothing in this century was so thin and people wore so few layers. Will hadn't decided whether or not he liked it.
Tessa wore the tight trousers that were so popular and those he did like. They were nearly indecent and he felt a little guilty for watching her when she wore them but he did like them. Her shirt was just a single layer of cotton over her skin and his hands had found their way to her waist while he was busy thinking that he shouldn't.
She touched his face and he leaned towards her. It was gravity. It couldn't be argued with. The night on the balcony at the Lightwood party came back to him and he remembered tracing her features like this. This time it was her fingers against his skin. She had been drunk that night and she'd regretted it almost immediately. They weren't drunk this time. He searched her face as she trailed fingers over his jaw and his nose and the arch of his cheeks.
"Will?" she said in a voice that was too soft to possibly belong to the same person who had just argued down the Head of the Institute.
"Tess," he matched her tone as closely as he could.
"I don't want you to leave. You have to go back. Your life is there. Everything is there. It is unconscionable to want to hold onto you here. I thought avoiding you would make it easier but it hasn't," she said.
Will looked over her head at the dusty room. At the shapeless blobs of furniture and the little cluster of objects still sitting on one shelf. He tried to make out what they were while he assembled what he wanted to say.
"There are only three things that have ever made me happy," Will said as softly as he could. It was a secret that he wasn't sure he could tell it to her but the words were already coming and he couldn't stop them, "My family, Jem and you."
Her fingers went from flat on his chest to twisted in his shirt and he didn't stop talking, "And I will be going back to a life where I will have nothing."
"That's not true," Tessa said.
"Isn't it?" Will said. "The Clave will never allow me to contact my parents. Jem will become a Silent Brother and as much as I would rather he be that than dead, he will still be gone. He will go to the Silent City and I will never have another day with him. I could not leave the Clave. I could not follow Cecily back to Wales or York because then I would truly never see him again. And you. I will spend my entire life loving you and you will spend your entire life loving him."
"Will," she started.
"It's not something to apologize for Tessa. I am glad that you love him. I am glad that he loves you and I don't have strong enough words to tell you how glad I am that you found each other after so much time. I am sorry to be the one to throw your offers of friendship back in your face. I don't mean to. I swear I didn't mean for it to be like that," he said.
"Will," she said with a little more force and he stopped talking and looked at her. Her eyes shimmered with tears threatening to fall and she was closer than she had been a moment ago. He had made her cry again. He needed to stop speaking.
"William," she said and she paused as though unsure what to say next. He didn't speak. He would just say something worse if he spoke now. He closed his eyes.
"I love you," she said. His body reacted to the words before his mind caught up to them. His fingers tightened on her waist and he pulled her just a little bit closer.
"I loved you when I sent you away that day in the drawing room. It was so long ago Will. So long ago but I remember it. I remember the words you said and the look in your eyes. I think I loved you from that night in the Dark House. In all the universe I had no one and then suddenly I had you. You were the answer to a prayer I hadn't been brave enough to say aloud," she said.
He said her name again and she caught his face so when he opened his eyes hers were right there, "You're right. I have spent my life loving Jem. He is kinder and better than most people will ever be. I loved him when he was a dying boy. I loved him when he was half statue, half ghost of himself. I love him now. I will love him long after he has gone on to whatever comes after this life."
"But I've loved you as long," Tessa told him and he gathered her in against his chest. "I loved you when you were cursed and miserable with those tiny flashes when the goodness in you couldn't be suppressed any further. I loved you as a young man mourning his best friend and fighting for his place in the Clave. I loved you as a father with your children climbing into your lap and demanding stories. I loved you as a old man who never stopped doing good in this world. I loved you the day you died and every day since. I love you now, lost and confused and so far from who you were meant to be. I love you, Will."
He still couldn't trust his voice but it wasn't for the same reasons. She was truly crying now and he brushed the tears away from her cheeks. Her skin was soft. His heart hurt just to look at her. She loved him and she still wasn't his. It was almost worse.
She wasn't his and he couldn't find the strength to pull away from her. It wasn't possible, not after she had said that. Had she ever told him before? Had they sat in the same room with his wife and children both of them pretending not to know? He tried to imagine that life and it made the ache worse.
She was the one who tilted his face down but she waited for him to respond to her. He couldn't stop himself from leaning in or from bringing his hand up to cup her face. She smiled and he felt it rather than saw it before she pressed her lips to his. A little part of his mind was still sane enough to tell him not to do it but by the time it got the message through, he could already taste her. He kissed her one more time before taking her by the shoulders and pulling away.
"Jem," he said. Tessa looked at him like she was dizzy and he was speaking in a foreign language. He almost lost the nerve it was taking him to step back. She was so beautiful and he loved her so much and he couldn't imagine doing anything intentional that would make her this sad.
"I can't," Will said, "You can't."
"I know," Tessa said then she gave him a small smile before her face went serious and she said it again, "I know." Her fingers brushed his hand as they both backed up a little bit and she said, "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you in this position."
A phone rang.
Tessa jumped and Will reached out to put a hand on her arm just to steady her but pulled back as soon as he made contact with her skin. She was looking at him when she answered it. Jem had explained the basics of the little machine during one of their training sessions when they sat tucked together in the back corner of the training room. It had been late and dark and the blue of the screen had lit Jem's skin an unnatural colour. Jem's shoulder had been against his and more than once he'd leaned in close enough that his hair touched Will's cheek. Will had listened but he still had no idea how to use the phone but at least he now understood what it did.
Tessa's eyes never left him as she had a hurried conversation with Simon in which she convinced him to leave them alone unless they called. She had just been kissing him but she still used that easy "us" when she talked of herself and Jem. Will was suddenly caught by the fear that he had somehow ruined it.
"Jem was going to meet us out front in the car," Tessa said and the past tense didn't escape him.
"All I wanted to hear from you for so long was that you felt even a fraction of what I felt for you. I cannot unhear those words. I can't go sit with him with the taste of you still on my lips," Will said and if he hadn't trained himself out of blushing when he was a child he would have turned scarlet to have said that out loud.
"No, you can't go sit with him with a weight of secrets between you," she said, "I'll tell him whether you do or not. We very nearly killed ourselves trying to keep all the secrets to protect one another when we were young. All the things you didn't tell one another were terrible. The secrets about his health and your curse and me. That is over. I will not go back to it."
Then, before Will could decide how to respond to that, she turned and walked away, leaving him to hurry after her or run away. He strongly considered running. He considered removing himself as far from the situation as he could, locking himself in the room they had assigned him and not coming out until he was sent back to the point in time before he managed to endanger anyone's marriage.
He didn't run. His heart was rattling around inside his chest and his stomach was churning but he didn't run. He followed Tessa.