It had been almost exactly four weeks since Ammi had spoken a single word to him, and Kol was beginning to think that she really, truly hated him.
The idea hurt more than he had expected it to—if he had been back at the Academy, he supposed he could have shrugged it off with only a momentary feeling of disappointment. None of the boys at the Academy had ever really been his friends, though, except for Liam. Ammi was the first person in almost four years that he had really been able to call 'friend'—and the first girl he could ever have said it about in his whole life.
Why didn't I just tell her I was Worgen in the first place? It would have saved us both so much pain.
Kol continued to mentally berate himself for his failure day after day. It seemed so obvious now, in hindsight—of course he should have told Ammi that he was Cursed. Why in the Light's name had he thought he would be able to make it through this entire campaign without ever having to shift? She should have been made aware from the beginning, and allowed to decide she wanted a new guardian before…
Before we got attached. Before we became…friends.
He still considered Ammi his friend, no matter what she thought of him. The energetic young mage and her neverending stream of words had somehow impressed herself upon his heart, and now, as he glanced across the slowly-emptying mess hall at where she sat alone, he could feel only sadness and sharp, prickling guilt. He didn't blame her for being scared of him. He was frightened, too—frightened of the shadow that lurked inside his veins.
She should have a different guardian. So she won't need to feel afraid of the person who's supposed to be keeping her safe.
But even then, Kol knew that he would always protect Ammi. He had sworn an oath, and if he had nothing else, he had that.
Heaviness in his heart, the young warrior rose from his table, taking his bowl of uneaten stew with him as he headed for the barracks.
Ammi couldn't prevent her eyes from trailing Kol as he rose and exited the mess hall alone, his shoulders bowed and his head hanging low with the weight of what she knew to be sadness and shame. He walked slowly, as if someone had chained his feet to the floor and he were struggling against the weight of the irons with every step he took.
She hadn't spoken a word to him in a month. How could she? Every time she looked at him, the awful guilt began to well up inside her, freezing her words solid in her mouth. For the first time ever in her life, Amily D'Aure was completely at a loss for words, and it was her own fault. She had treated Kol terribly that night in Nifflevar, and she knew she had, letting her irrational fear get in the way of everything she knew about this boy—this man—who had served as her guardian since the day she had arrived in Valgarde. He was kind, sweet, loyal, honorable, and certainly trustworthy, and she had treated him as though he were an enemy.
And why? Just because he was a Worgen, an existence that had been thrust upon him through no fault of his own. Ammi still hated herself for the flickers of fear and disgust that went through her every time she even thought the word.
Those Worgen in Silverpine were vicious killers, yes. But Kol is not them. He will never be them.
Faint memories of slicing claws and razor teeth flashed across her mind, and Ammi pushed them away with a grimace. She had plenty of good reasons to fear Worgen.
But not to fear Kol. Because Kol isn't just a mindless monster. He's…my best friend.
She had realized it on that night, when he had set his hands protectively on her shoulders and looked at her with such determination in his eyes. He had sworn an oath on his life to be her protector, and the expression on his face had let her know that he would sooner die than let her come to harm. That wasn't the kind of promise made by unthinking predators.
"I have to say something," Ammi murmured to herself, rising from the table. "I have to." She followed Kol's path out of the room, feeling the same weight pressing down on her shoulders as she went.
Her bowl of food remained behind her, uneaten.
Kol heard the footsteps behind him as he started up the staircase toward the officers' quarter of the huge stone castle which was the barracks building. He turned to see who was approaching, and felt his heart give a quiet lurch when he saw the flash of golden curls in the bright torchlight illuminating the corridor.
Ammi walked right toward him, ignoring the turn for the hallway which would have taken her to the women's quarter and her own room; her blue eyes were locked securely on his face, and try as he might, Kol could not bring himself to break away from her gaze. Her expression was unreadable, but Kol was sure she was thinking all sorts of terrible thoughts—thoughts that he himself had had on more than one occasion.
She stopped at the bottom of the staircase, staring up at him in silence, and for a long moment, nothing passed between them. Kol wasn't sure he wanted anything to; whatever either of them said had the potential to permanently destroy everything they had once been. Once the line was drawn, there was no crossing back over it.
Finally, Ammi opened her mouth first. "Where are you going?"
Kol was surprised at how timid her voice sounded, as if she were speaking to him for the first time. He supposed it was only natural that she would be wary if she feared him, but the tone hadn't sounded scared—just nervous and a little sad.
"The officers' quarter," he made himself say blankly. It wouldn't hurt for her to know that they would be separated in the morning—actually, it might just make things easier. "I'm going to have them assign you a new guardian to take my place."
"What? No!" Ammi's eyes widened, and Kol saw a genuine grief in them that made him instantly want to take the words back. "Why would you do that?!"
Why is she protesting?
"Because you're frightened of me, and you shouldn't have to be frightened of someone who's supposed to be protecting you," Kol replied wearily, feeling the words drop from his tongue like leaden weights. "You'll be much better off…without me."
He hated that it was true. She was his only friend. Without her, he was alone again, and where once it would have just been his workaday existence, it was a yawning abyss of sadness and silence when he compared it to the brightness and chatter of their relationship. He felt his heart ache, and he did his best to shut down the sensation, to just feel nothing.
"I don't want anyone else!" Ammi cried vehemently. There were tears glistening in her eyes now, threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. "You're my guardian, Kol. You're my best friend!"
"Your—wait, hold on; what?" It took all of his self-control not to actually fall down the stairs from shock. "Ammi, I scared you to death. You haven't spoken a word to me in a month."
"That's not because I'm afraid of you!" Ammi scrubbed at her eyes viciously, a few teardrops escaping her swipes and rolling lazily across her freckles, glittering tracks shining in their wake. "I'm so ashamed of myself, Kol! I treated you so badly and you still helped me anyway, even after everything I said. Every time I've seen you it's made me want to curl up into a ball and die from how guilty I feel!" She gave a great, shuddering exhale, her lower lip trembling slightly.
Kol was completely stunned and slightly overwhelmed by the forceful announcements, but that didn't stop the instinct that guided him down the stairs toward her, or the one that made him wrap his arms around her in a wary but genuine hug. She didn't pull away from him this time, leaning her head against his chest and accepting the embrace.
"Ammi, I…don't really know what to say." It was the truth. What could he say? How could he explain to her that he still felt guilty—would continue to feel guilty every day of his life for the fear and shock and terror that his other form inspired?
"I have a story I need to tell you," Ammi said, biting her lip and halting the flow of her tears with a tremendous effort, he could see. Her voice shook a little, but she ignored it. "Come with me."
Still faintly shocked, Kol let her take him by the hand, following the sensation of her smooth, tiny palm in his as she pulled him down the hallway.
She took him to her room. Kol had never been into the women's side of the barracks before, and he was surprised to see that it looked pretty much like the men's, except that the rooms had a little more space for washing up and storing personal amenities. Another bed waited across the room from Ammi's, potentially for a second occupant, but for now, it was empty—there were far fewer women in Valgarde than there were men.
Ammi sat down on her bed, and gestured for Kol to sit beside her; feeling his cheeks warming a little, the young man did so, gingerly crossing his legs beneath him. He had never been in a girl's bedroom before, and while he certainly had no suspicion that Ammi wanted anything frivolous out of him, the intimacy of the space was still heavy all around him.
"What's this story, Ammi?" he asked gently, when she did not speak first.
Ammi raised her head and met his eyes, and hers were not so unreadable anymore—Kol clearly saw pain and guilt in her face, along with the tiniest bit of fear.
"When I was nine years old," she said, beginning without warning, "my father took my family on a journey with him to Hillsbrad."
Kol settled back into a listening posture, his hands resting against his knees as he kept his eyes fixed intently on her face, on her lips as the words poured out like water from a churning cloud.
"It was a business journey—Father runs a shipping industry, and he was in Southshore to negotiate terms with one of his clients." Ammi's eyes were distant, lost in the cloud of memory she was dredging up. "While he was talking prices and times, Mother decided to take my brother Ryland and me to Silverpine Forest for the day, to walk and enjoy the northern air. The twins were to stay and assist Father, as part of their training to take over part of the business when they were older.
"Mother and Ryland and I arrived in Silverpine in the afternoon, by carriage, and Mother told the driver to wait for us in Hanford, which was the little town where we were let off. He agreed, and we set off walking, using one of the footpaths leading away from the town. The air was clear, and the weather was cool and beautiful, and we three were having a grand time talking and laughing and just enjoying ourselves. We walked further and further away from the town, but Mother insisted we could turn around at any time and be back before the sun began to set." Ammi inhaled a deep, shivering breath, and Kol could sense that the story was about to take a turn for the worse.
"We didn't turn back soon enough," Ammi whispered. "The sun was setting, and we were still walking back through the forest. Mother had realized our error, and she kept me in the middle, between her and Ryland, to try to protect me. I didn't know why they were scared, but I could sense that they were. We were about three-quarters of the way back to the town when suddenly we heard a low growling sound from somewhere in the trees, off to our right. It sounded like some kind of animal, and my mother immediately shoved me into Ryland's arms and stood in front of us, pulling a small dagger out from a sheath on her leg where she hid it."
Kol's stomach twisted.
"What was the noise?" he asked softly, though he already knew the answer.
"Worgen," Ammi said, her voice catching on the word. "Three of them, growling and slavering and ready to kill us. They came at us to surround us, and I think my mother thought we were really going to die. She told my brother to get ready to run away, and that she was going to—" Her voice broke again, and Kol shook his head quickly.
"I think I understand." He put a hand on her shoulder, and Ammi looked at him with gratitude, nodding and skipping ahead in her tale.
"One of the Worgen had Mother pinned to the ground, about to…to kill her. The other two were closing in on my brother and me, and I think I knew then, for the first time ever in my life, that I really could die." Ammi swallowed hard. "But then there was a loud explosion, and the Worgen that had my mother pinned fell down dead. The other two heard the sound and instantly ran away; a moment later, some militiamen from Hanford burst through the trees, demanding to know if we were all right. My mother said we were, and no one died, but…"
"But you were afraid of Worgen from that moment on," Kol finished for her, his voice gentle. "Ammi, I don't blame you. Not at all. Feral Worgen—they're absolutely terrifying. They are the monsters that you think they are; mindless and driven only by the instinct to kill." He shoved down his rush of sickness at the faint memory of his own feral days.
"But you're not like them, Kol." Ammi shook her head.
"I was like them, once," he said simply. "All Worgen are at some point. But we—the Gilnean Worgen—chose our humanity instead of our other selves."
She was quiet for a long moment, and Kol waited for her to speak again. "Do you…remember what that's like?" she finally asked. "Being that way?"
"Awful," he said immediately, blocking out the vicious memories. "Monstrous in every sense of the word. I would never want to go back to that kind of existence, Ammi. You have to believe me."
"I believe you," she murmured. "And…and I'm sorry I thought you were that way. You aren't. You're the most honorable and least monstrous person I know, and you are my best friend and my guardian. I don't want anyone else."
A flood of intense, almost painful relief washed through Kol at the sound of the words, searing his heart and spirit with joy like he had never felt before.
I am not going to be alone again.
Despite the intimacy of the gesture and what other people might have perceived it as, Kol reached out and hugged Ammi tight, holding her to his chest with genuine gratitude and affection.
"Thank you," he breathed.
He felt another surge of elation when she hugged him back.