[tentacleTherapist has started to pester turntechGodhead]
TT: Dave.
TT: David.
TT: Cousin.
TT: Brother.
TT: David Elizabeth Strider.
TG: sup lalonde
TG: ooh bringing in the middle name AND calling me brother
TG: (sibs4lyfe btw)
TG: this must be something serious
TG: as serious as a movie about a male prostitute getting cancer
TG: right around christmas time
TG: when he has two children to support
TG: but then learns that money isnt everything
TG: and love and shit saves him
TG: and he goes to heaven or wherever and watches his kids
TG: and santa brings the presents that year
TG: while the kids are all like 'we only wanted to spend some more fucking time with you dad'
TG: and then the screen fades black
TG: leaving mass sobbing in its wake
TT: Well, it seems that I am indeed sobbing miserably.
TG: Damn straight you are calm down your getting hysterical lalonde
TT: I can't dare to calm down David, it was such a touching story, filled with emotion.
TT: And besides, the collected tears will be offered as a beverage to the horrerterrors.
TG: tell them the tears are all thanks to your brilliant cousin/brother before they strike us down for fucking blasphemy or some shit
TT: Of course.
TT: If you are done with your rambling, then may I continue on to the point of this conversation? Hopefully before you start on to your so called 'rapping'.
TG: shut the fuck up my raps are cool
TG: youre making me out to be such a tool
TG: and not the ones at the hardware store
TG: the ones that I wipe the floor
TG: with but dont be a bitch
TG: and calm your tits
TG: before I burn your face off
TG: and-
TT: Dave. Cousin. Brother. Stop. Please.
TG: whatevs lalonde you obviously cant handle all those sick fires
TT: Indeed.
TT:Now onto what I was going to tell you.
TT: It seems a certain buck-toothed glasses wearing friend of ours-
TG: john or jade or jake or jane
TT: John. And don't think I haven't noticed how you put his name before all the rest. But that is a conversation for a different time.
TT: As I was saying before John had come to me with various woes of his romantic life, that I cannot tell you, because of doctor-patient confidentiality.
TG: he broke up with vriska didnt he
TT: Yes, he did that a long time ago, they remain friends, and Vriska is dating Terezi now.
TG: oh cool beans i wonder why TZ hasnt said anything yet
TT: She was planning to tell you today, if that makes your ego less wounded. Anyways, I decided to follow Vriska and open John horizons to the wonders of same-sex dating.
TT: He wasn't thrilled at first, denying his blatant homosexuality, but I convinced him to give you a try.
TG: wtf lalonde
TT: You were the only one he was comfortable with the thought of dating. Plus you are openly pansexual and have an obvious crush of John. No need to thank me.
TG:...youre joking right lalonde
TT: About what in particular? If you dare say you don't have a crush on John, after going on and on last time we spoke about his "goddamn beautiful fucking blue eyes like what the fuck peoples eyes arent supposed to be that blue rose its like he literally stole the colour from the sky but not even that cuz there bluer than the sky I mean his eyes make the sky look like his fucking bitch", then I will politely stab my knitting needles into your eyes and gracefully ride your body down a waterslide David.
TG: and no shit but youd probably be fucking graceful while doing it like a motherfucking royal seer whos royal thus has to ride on her horse all gracefully and side-sattle and shit
TG: but seriously youre joking right
TG: you didnt tell john about my crush on him right
TT:...
TG: we may share the same asshole father and your mother maybe my aunt but there is no way you are related to me
TG: no one related to me could fucking do this lalonde
TG: rose answer me
TT: I am sorry, I thought you would be pleased with the prospect of a date?
TG: oh im fucking pleased alright pleased to know that i cant even trust my own fucking sister or fucking cousin or whatever with a secret crush
TG: secret rose do you not understand that
TG: i dont want john to be throwing himself on me because he knows i like him
TG: i dont want him to fucking avoid me either though
TG: i am literally giving myself a concussion on my locker door while youre probably making out with your girlfriend under a tree or some shit i hope your happy
TG: dirk told me to say sup to kanaya earlier and to ask if she was still gonna come over and help him make a fucking hoodie for that robot bunny he's giving to jane
TG: your girlfriend and my brothers close friendship is kinda fucking weird
TT: Yes, it is. Now calm down, I have known you long enough to realize that you are going into your panicked rambling mode.
TT: I have not told Jonathan anything about you're crush. Do not doubt me brother.
TG: you didnt
TG: well fucking hell why didnt you say so
TT: Because it was fun to watch you panic.
TG: striders dont panic
TT: *raises an eyebrow* Of course not.
TG: you put that back down
TG: but seriously you saying that johns gonna be asking this sweet rump out on a date or some shit like that
TG: are you sure that all those sloppy make outs youve been having hasnt stopped air flow to your brain
TT: I am positive. Anyways if my calculations are correct, John will appear in front of you in approximately 5 minutes. Too late for you to abscond, and your too busy talking to me to flash step.
TG: i have an evil genius for a sister
TG: and cousin
TG: shit there should be a word for that
TG: actually there shouldnt cause our situation is so fucked up
TT: I agree.
TG: but i need to call you something other than sister-cousin its a pain in the ass to write and not the good kind either
TG: hmm...sissin
TG: couster maybe
TG: i mean id be your brosin or cousther which ever you prefer I guess
TT: This is such a big responsibility you're giving me. Give me a moment to compose myself.
TG: try not to flip too much shit lalonde no matter how deserving the shit is of being flipped
TT: I will endeavor not to. Well, John should be I near you by now, so I shall go and ask Kanaya to help me decide what to call you. By the way David, today is Friday, so the date between you and John will no doubt land on Saturday afternoon. Despite that fact, Kanaya, Aradia, myself and possibly Terezi will be still heading over tonight for our usual 'Ironic Friday Nite Sleepovers', as you call it. Jade too, if she, Karkat and Solluxander don't have a date tonight.
TG: how she can handle dating karkatrina on top of making sure sollux doesnt become one with his laptop I will never know
TT: Porrim and Damara will also be coming, in order to help Kanaya finish your outfit for the date- it has already been started so with Porrim's help, it will be done in time.
TT: Damara's coming because she is your extremely close female friend's older sister, your sister-cousin's girlfriend's older sister's girlfriend, she can help hold you down for measurements, and we both get along well enough with her
TG: yea damz is cool
TT: Indeed. And John is infront of you now, so I bid you adieu.
TG: later lalonde
[tentacleTherapist ceased pestering turntechGodhead]
Dave wonders whether or not he should pretend he doesn't notice John infront of him, but John clearing his throat quickly ended that chance.
"Uh, hey Dave!" John says with a nervous smile.
"Sup Egderp" Dave replies leaning back against his locker and taking in John's flushed cheeks and fleeting eye contact. Dave almost snorted- he didn't though, cuz that would be totally uncool- when he noticed John was wearing a well worn ghost busters t-shirt.
"You okay? You look, well, redder than the TZ's hair. You coming down with something? Is it deadly? Contagious? Am I gonna die by talking to you? I mean my social life's already dying by being seen with you, but now your after my life as well, like some shitty villain? Not cool dude, next thing you know, my hand's gone and you tell me you're my father."
John- the dork- fucking snorts in laughter, "Shut up dude, you're rambling. Totally uncool, Elizabeth."
Dave held his hands to his heart as if he was in pain, "Ouch, that hurt you dick. You just had to bring in the middle name didn't cha John? There is no such thing as below the belt in your vocabulary is there?"
"Not when it comes to a total ass like you."
Dave cringed, smirking, "You fucking dick. Anyways walk with me, I gotta get home soon, or Dirk'll wreck my shit. You can tell me more things about my beautifully full ass and explain why you were as red as Aradia's bra."
"Dave. Do I even want to know why you know what colour Aradia's bra is?"
"Hey," Dave puts his hands up in front of him, "It's not my fault the Megido's like to walk around there house in there underwear, now is it?"
Dave started out the door, bag slung over one shoulder, and hands deep in the red hoodie Aradia and her sis got him last Christmas- it had a red gear on the middle front and matched the ones the Megido's had. Truthfully, Damara told him the only reason he got a present was that the hoodies were like three for the price of one, so they had an extra. Or at least he thinks that's what she said. Dave maybe moderately well at Japanese thanks to his Bro, but damn does Damara speak fast.
Dave jumped down the steps in front of his school, then shoved his iPhone in his red skinny jean's pocket, and turned around just in time to see John trip down the stairs.
Dave of course, caught him, and helped him stand up straight, then said with a straight face, "I warned you bout the stairs, bro. I told ya dog."
John shoved Dave's shoulder, but smiled his ridiculously cute dorky smile at Dave, "Thanks for catching me. Even if I had to suffer through one of your shitty SBAHJ jokes."
"It's only a bad joke because you don't have good taste. I mean," Dave starts to walk again, "D's in Hollywood right now, and no one is calling any of his movie jokes shitty."
"His movie? I thought you both came up with the concept?" John asked, brows furrowing.
"Yea, SBAHJ is a D-and-Dave production. Alas, since I am in highschool and fucking fifteen years of age, I could not follow him to Hollywood, so the press is calling it 'his' movie, no matter how he tries to correct them. D says it'll be corrected by the time the movie's put on the big screen with both of our fucking names on it though, so it's cool. You are talking to a famous person right now John, try not to get starstruck."
John rolled his eyes and said, "Oh great Dave Strider! I can barely believe my eyes, can I get a picture?"
"Usually I'd say no, but as you're so eager, sure. I'll even fucking autograph it."
"Oh swoon!" John said, before cracking up in his totally not adorable snorting laugh, but was shocked to a stop when Dave pulled out his phone, put an arm around his shoulder and said, "But first, lemme take a selfie." In an incredibly false high pitched voice, with caused John to crack up even harder, as Dave took a picture of them.
John calmed down, but Dave didn't take his hand off of his shoulder, and John wasn't complaining. As they neared the split between Dave's apartment and John's house, John stopped Dave.
"What up Egbert?"
"Well, Dave, I have something to well, ask you I guess, before you go home." John moved out of Dave's arm to face him, and started rubbing the back of his neck, slightly pissed that he had to look up in order to see Dave's sunglasses covered face. Wait, sunglasses covered? That wouldn't do.
"And that question is...? You know I don't have the time to spend all night out here John."
John looked around, before tiptoeing to slowly push Dave's glasses into his platinum blonde hair. He had always thought his best bro's eyes were amazing and was upset that he didn't show them off more often- but at the same time he guesses it's his fault for giving Dave the damn sunglasses. Dave never seems to take them off, and John was a little surprised that Dave let him this time, though almost all of John's thoughts stopped when his blue eyes met Dave's red eyes.
"...John?" Dave asked quietly.
"Oh. Oh yeah! Sorry about that." John quickly removed his hands from Dave's hair and stood back firmly on his two feet, "I was going to ask, that if maybe, if you want to of course, we could go out to the Skaia cafe, then go and maybe see a movie after? Likeadatemaybe?" John squeezed out, blushing.
Dave blinked slowly once, as if absorbing what John had asked, before smirking a little, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist the Strider charm, coupled with this plush rump. No wonder you fell down those stairs, you literally fell for me John, my beauty was too much to handle."
John groaned and put his face in his hands. Dave wasn't finished yet, though, and said, "Sure, I'll meet you down at Skaia at around one tomorrow?"
John lifted his head at the sound of Dave's collected voice, and grinned widely when he saw Dave's face, "Dave, you're blushing."
Dave scoffed, "Strider's don't blush, John."
"Yea, well, tell that to the pink in your cheeks. Holy shit, you have freckles! You're usually too pale to notice them, but you got a shitton bro."
"And we are no longer talking about my freckles. Bye. See ya tomorrow Egderp."
And with that Dave quickly absconded to his shitty apartment, ears burning as he heard John's laughter down the street.