"Voool-deeeee-mort... Vooowl-deeeeey-mort!" Harry called over his Dark-Lord-Hotline.
No response.
"Vooooldy! Voooo-owwwwoooo-ooooldy!" Harry called.
No response.
"VOLDEMORT!" Harry screamed.
"What, Potter?" Voldemort demanded.
"I've got a seeee-cret!" Harry declared happily.
"Well good for you," Voldemort snarled, "Now kindly leave me to sleep in peace."
"Nope!" Harry chirped merrily, "Not gonna until you guess the secret!"
"Potter," Voldemort declared, "You will silence yourself at once, or I will punish you."
"Nope," Harry said, "That's not the secret."
"Potter," Voldemort growled, "Do you recall what I did with the Imperious Curse in the graveyard? That is nothing compared to what I will do to you if you do not silence yourself this instant."
"Nope," Harry said, and Voldemort could feel the boy's smile, it burned.
It burned in his mind.
"That's not the secret!" Harry declared.
Despite the fact that the link was purely mental, and did not involve a mouth, throat, or indeed any part of the breathing or speech apparatus, Voldemort managed to froth into the link. He was, in fact attempting to inflict pain upon Harry through the link, but the Potter scion did not appear to notice.
"Ew," Harry said, "Not that either. Good guess though!"
"Potter," Voldemort said quietly after some time had passed, "If I guess correctly, will you be silent?"
"Sure!" Harry said, "Why not? I see no reason to be unreasonabababble!"
"Very well then," Voldemort ground out, "What is this secret regarding? Your pathetic attempts at a love life?"
"Nope!"
"Your friend's pathetic attempts at love lives?"
"Nope!"
"Your latest progression in the art of killing?"
"Nope... wait, why would I be learning that? It doesn't sound like a fun art..."
"...nevermind. Perchance could it be a repeat of that insipid competition from last year?"
"Nope!"
"I give up then," Voldemort said, "I cannot imagine what else you could possibly be partaking of in your puerile pubescent existence."
"Well then," Harry said happily, and Voldemort could feel that damn smile again, burning his mind.
"I'M DRUNK!"Harry screamed across the link, and then promptly passed out.
Voldemort raged, but Harry was beyond his reach.
((()))
"Hey, Tom. Hey, hey Tom. Tom! Oh, oh, TooooOOOOOOoooom!"
No response.
"Tooooooooom. Tom. TomTomTom. TOOOOOOMMMM!"
"Potter, you insufferable twit, I swear, if you're drunk again, wards or no wards, I will find a way to take you by the throat and wring your scrawny little neck!"
"Nope, Tommy, not drunk! But do you know what I am?"
"No," Voldemort said wryly, "But I do imagine you're about to tell me."
"I found this great new thing in dear dudderdumplin's room, little red pills, and I took two of 'em! Do you know what they're called?"
"No," Voldemort said flatly, "I do not."
"SPEEEEEEEEEDDDD!"
Ten hours later, when Potter finally came down, then passed out again, Voldemort dearly wished that Occlumency worked against connections forged via the soul, rather than the mind. He also discovered that his new body was capable of experiencing a headache.
((()))
"Voldermort!"
No response.
"Tom Marvolo Riddle!"
No response.
"Ass-face!"
"Ass-face? Really Potter, did no one ever teach you to keep a civil tongue in your mouth?"
"Actually," Harry replied very seriously, "I was beaten every time a word came out of my mouth that Vernon objected to. Which most of the time, was any words. Anyways, I just thought you ought to know something."
"And what, pray tell, would that be?"
"I know a song that gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves! I know a-
Three hours of incoherent screaming and raging later, two Death Eaters had been crippled by the Cruciatus curse.
((()))
"Buddy you're a boy make a big noise, playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day, you got mud on yo' face, you big disgrace, kickin' your can all over the place."
"Potter, you will silence yourself."
We will we will rock you, we will we will rock you."
"Potter, it may interest you to know that I have recently discovered the home address of your dear friend, Miss Granger."
"Buddy you're a young man hard man, shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day, you got blood on yo' face, you big disgrace, wavin' your banner all over the place,"
"If you do not cease this infernal racket immediately, I shall Apparate to Miss Granger's residence, immediately, and dispose of the little mudblood."
"We will we will rock you, we will we will rock you."
CRACK.
Buddy you're an old man poor man, pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day,"
Voldemort entered the Granger residence via the simple expedient of blasting the door open, and striding directly in.
"You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, somebody better put you back in your place."
He discovered that the house was empty of living beings.
"We will we will rock you, we will we will rock you."
The radio, however, was on.
It was a pity that he didn't appreciate electric guitar; Harry thought the solo was awesome.
((()))
"Who's on first?"
"WHAT ARE YA ASKIN ME FOR! I DUNNO! I'm asking you who's on first?"
"That's the name!"
"Well then go ahead and tell me."
"Who."
"The guy on first.
"That's him."
…
"That's his name!"
"I sure? I ain't askin you nuthin'."
"You did."
"You know the name of the guy on first base? Tell me the name of the guy on first base!"
"Who."
"The guy playin' first base!"
"Who is on first!"
"WELL WHAT'RE YOU ASKIN' ME FOR?"
"Now don't get excited..."
Voldemort decided that once he had conquered the world, he was going to eradicate baseball.
((()))
"Hey, Hey Voldie, Guess what?"
"No."
"Aww, don't be a spoil-sport, go on, guess!"
"No."
"Has anyone ever told you that you're really dull?"
"No one among the living."
"Psychopath. Anyways, since you're too rude to guess, I suppose I'll just have to tell you. I learned something new today!"
"Horrors."
"Gee, you're depressing. Know what I learned?"
"Suddenly, I discover, that even for one such as I, some things are best left unknown."
"I learned how to project what I can see and hear through my thoughts!"
"Wonders. I have no desire to see your scarecrow of an aunt, or the fat lumps that serve as your male relatives."
"Oh, don't worry, Tommy Boy, I've got something much better in story for you. Here, have a look."
A television appeared in Tom Riddle's mind's eye.
On it, a purple monstrosity vaguely shaped like a dinosaur.
It began to sing.
And Voldemort that there really were some things man was not meant to know.
((()))
"And tonight, on Air Harry, we will be featuring our host, Harry Potter, yodeling for your edification, the complete works of Frank Zappa!"
((()))
"In the name of the Moon, I will Punish you!"
((()))
"Do you really want to huuu—urt me, do you reeally want to make me cry?"
"YES POTTER, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!"
((()))
"Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop, you know the place-"
"Just so you know Potter, I have Death Eaters watching your residence non-stop. If you set one toe outside of those wards, you are mine."
((()))
"Tom, hey-"
"No need to badger me Potter, I have resigned myself to the fact that your facility for irritating me far exceeds my patience."
"Awww, is someone growing up?"
…
"Anyways, I just thought I should let you know, the featured musician from last night's broadcast has inspired me to take up a new instrument!"
Harry could not see it, but through their link, he could feel Voldemort shiver in terror.
"That's right, I'm going to learn the Accordian! Let's Polka!"
((()))
"Transformers, robots in disguise, Transformers! More than meets the eye..."
((()))
"Captain Planet, he's the-"
"You know Potter, I think I can feel my soul shriveling. How do you force yourself to watch this putrescent filth?"
"It's a hard sacrifice to make, but I've got a lot more soul left than you do. I'm pretty sure I'll outlast you. Now shut up, this is the episode on AIDS."
"What in perdition's name is AIDS?"
"Oh, Tommy!" Harry exulted, "Don't tell me that I get to explain the wonders of STD's to you?"
Voldemort discovered, to his horror, that Potter could teach him things, things of blacker, darker lore than anything Voldemort himself had dared delve into.
((()))
"Well, dear listeners, I have unfortunate news. With the end of the Summer, I, your host, Harry Potter, am being moved from the Durzkaban facility, and this broadcast site must, sadly, shut down."
"If I believed in a higher being, I would thank it. As things stand, I will thank myself."
"Not to worry though! We're moving to newer, better equipped quarters at scenic Hogwarts, and our broadcast schedule is only going to intensify, with access to new resources, such as Hogwarts gossip. I hope you like bad romance stories, because we're sure going to have a lot of them for you!"
For the first time in decades, Voldemort felt the desire to cry.
((()))
AN: I needed something to post today; Cameron's Legacy chapter six is at ~10,500 words, and isn't even close to done. None of the other stuff was done, so I decided to slap something together, and this came to mind, evolving as it went. I make no excuses.