What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,

I have forgotten, and what arms have lain

Under my head till morning; but the rain

Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh

Upon the glass and listen for reply,

And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain

For unremembered lads that not again

Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.

Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,

Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,

Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:

I cannot say what loves have come and gone,

I only know that summer sang in me

A little while, that in me sings no more.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

The fruity aroma from the bottle gave Kate a momentary pause as she poured the red wine into two glasses. Light refracting through the glasses made her think of blood, a substance she and her companion saw far too much of in the course of a day. But it wasn't a stranger's blood that she was imagining. It was her own, coupled with the echo of his words in her ears as things faded to black.

"You gonna hold that wine captive, or do I get some too?" Lanie's sassy voice interrupted, teasing tone not hiding the concern that her friend had shown when she'd arranged this girls' night session earlier in the afternoon.

Kate smiled, though it was more a grimace than a reflection of any happiness. She'd agreed to talk to Lanie for a few reasons. First—and the most important—was that her friend usually had good advice, and if anyone could use some good advice at the moment, it was Kate Beckett.

Secondly, Lanie had an uncanny ability get down to what mattered the most and to ignore what was unimportant, especially when it came to Richard Castle. She'd been encouraging Kate to pursue him from nearly their first encounter. Kate didn't trust her own instincts anymore, especially with his behavior the last few days.

Finally, Dr. Burke had been quite direct that she needed to be more open and communicative with her friends. Lanie was the closest thing she had to a best friend, and so Kate had decided to start with her. The debut of the better, improved version of Kate Beckett was at hand.

Too bad the old Kate Beckett was screaming in the background that this was a terrible idea and that she needed to make a run for it.

Taking a deep breath and trying to calm her racing heart, she continued pouring the wine while she spoke.

"I'm telling you. Something happened. Something changed. It's been weird between us lately."

Lanie knew exactly who she was referring to: they'd been discussing the mystery of the mystery writer before she'd offered to get them both a glass of wine.

"Lately?" Lanie paused, and for a second Kate thought she was going to stop there. Her heart shrank: if Lanie hadn't noticed anything, then it was going to be even more difficult than she'd imagined explaining it in any way that made any sense. She was about to open her mouth to reply when Lanie pre-empted her. "Kate, it's been weird for 4 years."

She should have known Lanie wouldn't dance around the subject. Besides, she needed her advice.

"No, this is different. He's different. It's like he's pulling away." She handed her friend her wine and took a seat next to her friend, which was a good thing as Lanie's next comment punched her in the gut.

"Well, can you blame him? He's probably tired of waiting." Lord, Lanie wasn't holding back tonight. She was floored by the comment—not the statement itself, so much, but rather how astute Lanie could be.

She'd never even hinted to her friend that she thought of Rick Castle as anything more than a partner. Not because she hadn't trusted Lanie, but because she hadn't been willing to admit it even to herself. At least until recently.

Now, it might all be too late.

"Waiting? Waiting for what?" The innocent look she'd plastered onto her face might have passed right by the boys, but Lanie Parrish required an entirely different level of acting. One which she simply wasn't capable of achieving after the last few weeks of painful reflection.

"What do you think? The guy is crazy about you. And despite your little act, you're crazy about him."

Kate gave her a death glare for that statement, ignoring the fact that her friend was spot on.

"Oh, what? Was that supposed to be some big secret?"

Well, yeah. Yeah it was.

"Yes." Now it was Lanie's turn to glare. "No." She took a sip of her wine to regain her equilibrium. Leaning in towards the medical examiner, she lowered her voice, "Do you think he knows?"

Lanie smiled. "Do you remember how he used to be? Girl on either arm? You really don't see that guy too much anymore. Why do you think that is?"

Kate bit her lip, but remained silent.

"He's waiting for you."

A small smile slipped onto Kate's lips, though she remained quiet. Lanie gave her a pointed look—her commanding confidence in her conclusion was impossible to ignore. "Yeah, but Lanie…"

"I know, I know. You're dealing with stuff. But you can't ask him to wait forever."

Kate's heart lurched into a steady gallop and her throat constricted as if a vice had been clamped around it. She wasn't sure how much she would—or even could—confess to her friend, but the urge to blurt out that she'd already jumped past waiting was difficult to suppress.

"Unless, of course, you're okay with him pulling away."

No. God, no, that wasn't what she wanted. But for some reason, it was what he seemed to be doing. Maybe it was befitting their history together—awkward as it was. A kind of twisted karmic result of her lie when he'd visited her in the hospital after her shooting. Whatever the reason, it was very decidedly not what she wanted.

Yet…perhaps…it was what she deserved.

"What if it doesn't work? What if it ends up like you and Javi?" She didn't think she could be as amicable as Lanie and Javi appeared to be—two people who'd tried for more and had fallen short of the mark. It was a scenario that gave rise to a boiling pit of acid in her stomach when she thought about it. Life without Castle in it would be far worse to contemplate than life with him, even if they never progressed past the point of partners. She'd come to crave his presence far too much to entertain the consequences of their relationship flaming out.

"Well at least we gave it a shot. And so it didn't work out. So what? Now we can move on, give or take the occasional booty call."

The sassy words triggered a smirk from her, though as she weighed their meaning it was clear that what Lanie and Espo had engaged in was far less than what she felt for Castle—and what she felt from him. She would never be content with occasional booty calls. It was all or nothing. And the concept of nothing made her hands tremble and her skin clammy.

"I just – I don't want to lose what we have, you know?"

Though she ached for more. So much more.

"Girl, please. What exactly do you have, really?"

"A friendship." A friendship that had derailed somehow. Oh, and one night where she'd had fantastic, incredible sex with him.

Which he'd forgotten.

"No. What you and I have is a friendship. What you and Castle have is a holding pattern. How long can you circle before the fuel runs out?"

Lanie was right. The engines were sputtering. She just wished that she could see ahead; know that everything would be fine in the end. She was so inept at handling most of her personal life; it appeared to be inevitable that she'd fuck this up as well.

She and Dr. Burke had discussed this. It was time to move forward. Time to risk a little for the reward of having him in her life. Having Lanie as a cheerleader—and someone to help her think through her actions—would be invaluable. A few deep breaths and a good throat clearing gave her hope that she could talk in a normal voice.

Talking without tears was too much to wish for.

Luckily for both of them, their phones didn't ring with the latest dead body until after she'd confided that she'd heard what Rick had whispered to her that day, that she'd lied about it for months, and that she'd succumbed to temptation the night he'd called her from the Old Haunt.

The halting description of how Castle had responded—or, in this case, hadn't responded—earned her a hug from her best friend as their phones rang simultaneously.

As she answered her phone, she caught a determined look on Lanie's face. This discussion wasn't over, by any means.

Lanie had taken a cab to her apartment, not wanting to bother finding a parking space in the busy neighborhood. Therefore, with a new body drop, Kate gave her friend a ride to the crime scene. The time alone gave them the opportunity to rehash the ruination that represented the last three weeks of Kate's life.

Kate appreciated the need to keep at least some of her attention on the road: it made her confession a little less intimate than if she'd had to meet Lanie's eyes as they reiterated all the details.

"Lemme see if I understand all this. After you were shot, and we're all scrambling to get to you, all you remember is that Writer Boy held you in his arms and told you he loved you?"

Kate felt her ears turn warm and fidgeted in her seat. "Yeah, well, that's how I remember it, ok? It all faded to black after that."

"Mmmhmmm. Then, the next thing that happens after you wake up in the ICU is Castle comes to see you, flowers in hand and his heart on his sleeve, and you told the poor man that you didn't remember anything?"

"You make it sound so terrible—"

"Because it was terrible, Kate. You left him high and dry; left us all to try and pick up the pieces of what had happened while you hid in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. We saw you die. Do you have any idea what that was like? I can't imagine what Castle went through, your blood on his hands and watching you fade away every time he closed his eyes."

Kate shook her head, mute for a moment as a tear tracked its way down her cheek. There was no way to defend what she'd done, but she wanted to try and explain it. "It was no picnic for me, you know. I nearly died, was still a target—for all I know I still am! I was just so hurt and confused and...and broken. I didn't want you to see me like that."

"We're your friends, Kate. We're supposed to be there for you. Every single one of us would've jumped up to help you, if you'd let us. You know that, right?"

Kate nodded, taking one hand off the wheel to squeeze her friend's hand quickly. "I know. I know you would've. And I've been working on accepting help, with Dr. Burke. I have!" she cried out in response to Lanie's skeptical stare. "It's just been me, alone, for so long that I—I struggle, relying on others," she whispered, glancing out of her peripheral vision to see if Lanie had caught it.

She had. "Girl, that is the understatement of the year. But, I'm glad you've been working on it. It sounds as if this Dr. Burke has been good for you."

Kate took in a deep breath and held it, before releasing it in a shaky laugh. "He is good for me. As pushy as a certain medical examiner that I happen to know, but I've made a lot of progress on getting better—really getting better—with his help."

"Well, sounds like the man is a genius, then."

Kate looked over at her friend, who was staring back at her with a big smile on her face and a challenge in her eyes. Within a nanosecond they both burst out laughing. Once they calmed down, Lanie continued.

"So, you decided up at the cabin that you wanted more, came back to the city and started seeing Dr. Burke. In the meantime, Castle is helping the boys as best he can after being kicked out of the precinct by Gates. You go to see him, he's mad you never called—a sentiment shared by many others, I might add—but you tell him that you just need more time, that you want a relationship too, but have got a few issues to put to rest first. Is that accurate?"

Kate gripped the wheel tighter and cleared her throat. "Um, I was…I may not've…er, well, I might not have been exactly that blunt when I told him that I needed more time."

Lanie sighed. "Kate, it might be an actual Vatican-worthy miracle that this man has waited for you for this long. I swear, you send more mixed signals than a color blind traffic cop."

Kate felt tears welling up, and wiped her face. "I don't mean to, Lanie. I just didn't think that anyone, even Castle, would want to be around me when I was so broken. Everyone who's ever meant something to me in my life has left me. I can't stand the thought of not having him in my life."

"You have to give us a chance at some point, Kate. You'll never be close to him if you don't let him in."

"Oh, I let him in, alright." A bark of what sounded like a laugh tore from her throat. It wasn't funny, not at all, but she wanted to lighten up the suffocating atmosphere that this whole conversation was producing.

"Yeah, tell me about that. So, you just decided one night that you needed to jump his bones?"

"He called me. I could tell he'd been drinking, but he sounded so upset. I thought I'd just go check on him."

"I've called you, upset at times. You've never checked on me."

"There was something in his voice…I was concerned."

"Ok, and so did this little charity visit include changing into fancy underwear before you left your apartment?"

Kate blushed a bright red. Cursing her body's response, she hoped that Lanie wasn't paying attention to her.

Of course that was a pipe-dream.

"Kate? What is it? You did wear lingerie, didn't you? What color?"

Kate shook her head. "Didn't wear lingerie."

Damn if her face didn't turn redder. She'd look like a ripe tomato with just a few more questions. Though, perhaps Lanie would let it slide…

"A sexy dress? One that made him stand up at attention as soon as he saw you?"

"No! No dress. Just some old jeans and a t-shirt."

Her skin prickled as she felt Lanie continue to stare at her. "What?"

"Girl, you should see your face. You look like a lobster. And I'm thinking that old jeans and a t-shirt are not nearly embarrassing enough to make you…wait a minute. What were you wearing under these jeans and t-shirt, hmm?"

Apparently, bright red tomato can get redder.

"Kathrine Houghton Beckett, well, I never! You went commando? What were you thinking? Wait, don't answer that," her friend covered her mouth with a hand, delight pouring out of her very pores. If one could see delight. Which, right now, was possible to see, surrounding Lanie Parish.

"So, how was it?"

"How was what?"

"The sex, you idiot. Was it hot? Was his…pen…as mighty as I've always imagined?"

"Gosh, Lanie! You don't ask for much, do you?"

"Shut it and spill, Kate. You owe me."

"As if." Another glance at the passenger seat revealed that Lanie was turned, eyes boring into her. Kate briefly contemplated stomping on the brakes in a desperate attempt to get her attention to something else, but then pictured Lanie being loaded into an ambulance still calling out questions about sex with Richard Castle.

"Fine. All I'll say is that it was by far the best experience I've ever had. I've always enjoyed sex with other partners, but this…it felt like he set me on fire, whereas before I'd just been lukewarm. He consumed me, and I wanted nothing but to be burned up with him again and again."

A gasp was heard from the other side of the car. Their hands collided in front of the front console, each reaching to crank up the A/C. "You're making it hot in here, Kate. Sounds incredible."

The dreamy smile Kate was wearing faded, replaced by her biting her lower lip. "It was incredible, right up until I got a phone call at two in the morning about a mix-up with one of my suspects on a case from a few weeks ago. I had to leave—he was still sleeping, but I figured we'd talk about it in the morning. Then, he never showed up until the following day. And it was pretty obvious that he wanted nothing to do with me."

"Are you sure you're reading him right? You two seem to have a real knack for piss poor communication."

"He couldn't even spend more than a few minutes in the same room with me. Then, just when it seemed like we were getting back on the same page, the Boylan Plaza bombing happened. We were so busy at first, there was no time to talk. Dr. Burke thinks he might have been too drunk to remember what happened."

"Well, that'll kill him when you tell him."

"Except that by the end of the case he could barely talk to me. He just acts so…I don't know, I guess angry is the best description."

"And you can't think of anything that you did or said to make him mad?"

"No! I've been wracking my brain, but I can't figure out what changed."

Kate saw the flashing lights strobing ahead and pulled into an empty space in the hotel parking lot. Killing the engine, they both climbed out. Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath in through her nose. The difficult discussion would have to be tabled for now in favor of the dead.

"Well, girl, like I said, maybe he just needs to hear it from you now." Ok, it'd be tabled soon. Once Lanie decided to drop it. Kate turned and started to walk towards the crime scene tape decorating the door to the room in the cheap hotel where their victim had been found.

"So, what? You think I should tell him how I feel?" Her mouth went dry at the thought, but it was what Dr. Burke had recommended as well.

"Yes! You hunt murderers for a living. You can do this."

She'd take a freaking serial killer over confronting this conversation, any day.

"Okay. Okay. I just, I – I have to find the right time." Over a dead body was probably not the ideal time, but then again it was her and Castle.

Apparently Lanie agreed. "No time like the present."

The low growl of a sports car's engine caught their attention, as out of place at a crime scene as a debutant at a rodeo. Kate was sure her mouth had flopped open as fish-like as Lanie's had, as they watched Castle's gleaming red Ferrari zoom up to the hotel and stop with precision within feet of them. Castle was in the driver's seat, but the attractive blonde in the passenger seat was a stranger to her. A swirl of cold air suddenly eddied around Kate; shivering, she huddled into her coat.

"What the…?" Lanie breathed.

Kate turned to her, casting daggers at her. Lanie shuffled a step backwards. "On second thought, maybe you should wait a bit. What's that? Ryan's calling? I – gotta go."

She turned tail and ran, leaving Kate to bear witness to the scene alone. Nauseated, she couldn't look away, no matter how desperately she wanted to.

Rick had jumped out; the blonde slid into the driver's seat. He closed the door and leaned down nearly to her ear, though his words were crystal clear from where Kate stood.

"I'll call you in about an hour." The blonde nodded, and then zoomed away. Castle watched the taillights disappear, then turned and practically skipped up to Kate.

"Hey there." His voice was jovial. His appearance, however, told a different story. He'd not shaved for several days, judging by the stubble. His eyes were lined with fatigue, and his clothes—well, they looked and smelled as if he'd slept in them. For more than one night.

"I feel like I just walked into a bad episode of Miami Vice." Her voice was tight, tension unable to be suppressed. He ignored it. She felt another eddy of frigid air wash past.

"Okay, first, there are no bad episodes of Miami Vice. Second, who died?"

"You, from the looks of it. You look like you just got run over by a truck."

They turned as one, moving towards the crime scene. In synch physically, but the mental connection that they'd often displayed…silent.

"Yeah, a truck delivering a shipment of awesome. Nah, I just uh, flew into Vegas for the weekend. Just needed a little change of scenery." He bounced. Bounced. She saw a snowflake lazily drifting down, the light reflecting on it. Odd, no one had predicted snow.

She didn't dare consider the fact that they were inside the room at this point.

"And you won the blonde in a high stakes poker match?" She felt her blood slowing in response to the arctic air. Pumping slower through her body, threatening to coagulate and just stop moving altogether.

"No, I met her on the flight back." He grinned, an almost feral look masking his face.

"And you just gave her your car?"

"Jacinda happens to be a very trustworthy person. She's a first class flight attendant. It's not like I gave her my social security number."

The chill in his voice pinpointed the source of the icy air. She could feel waves of it rolling towards her, emanating from him. He'd blasted a freezer's worth of frost directly at her.

"Castle –," she slid to a stop. Tendrils of cold immediately radiated from the ground and invaded her toes, "—is everything okay?"

He stopped, and the look he gave her made goosebumps break out all over her body. She tightened her coat again, with little effect.

"Never better," he sneered and walked away. Kate was left, fully frozen to the ground as ice enveloped her like a glacier had crept over, preserving her anguish for millennia.

So grateful for everyone's comments/favs and follows. Thank you!

We're now 1/3 through the story. If you've made it this far, you can make it to the end. I hope.