Annie ignored Martins statement and went on with her isolated life. Ignoring Auggie and anyone else as much as she could.
It was three days after her appointment, and being behind a desk had made her irritable. Today had been the worst she felt so conflicted by 3pm she wanted to strangle someone.
She was delivering a coffee to Auggie, and he had made one of his little quips, something about her without field work. Annie didn't even remember what it was, but she lost it. It was times like these she was thankful he kept the blinds down.
"I hate this," She told him raising her voice and slamming her hand on his desk. He snapped his head up, alert.
"I hate this. I hate us, I hate working paperwork, I hate feeling so damn useless, I hate keeping secrets, I... I hate my life! I hate feeling doomed. I, I have always known want to do, No matter where I'm at or how tough of a situation I'm in I know I can make it. Im determined. How the hell can you be determined when you have... Whatever the hell I have. When you have something so... So," She broke, exploded, silent tears running down her cheeks as she realized what she was going to say.
"So impairing?" Auggie questioned finding her and holding her. She hugged him back until he was almost having trouble breathing. She nodded against his chest so quickly she hoped he hadn't felt it.
"We should talk, but I don't want eyes watching," He grabbed his cane.
"Beer?" Auggie asked once they were seated at his place.
"Uh... No thanks," Annie's voice was thin and shaky.
Auggie sighed.
"I'm sorry," Annie murmured quietly sounding like a child.
He found her hand, and looking in the direction of her face, " I'm not upset Annie. I don't know what kinda angle your going at with this no feelings thing. Obviously you have feelings on the wrong side of where they should be."
"I...I just," She got out running a hand over her face, "I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to feel guilty when I hurt you, or scared when the nightmares come back. I don't wanna hope to do something I'll never be able to do. I don't want to hurt you at all, or anyone else, but I do. I have so many times. And... I'm still sorry... I didn't want to drag you into my mess."
"Thank you," Was all he let out at first. Now it was her turn to look stunned, "Annie thank you for trusting me, and your never going to lose me by telling me the truth, no matter how ugly. Thank you for trying to keep my safe no matter how much it hurt me. I could blame you for hurting me, but I don't I see that you were only looking out for me. You look out for me without treating me like a two year old, and that's something I have always wished for. You treat me like I'm normal, like I'm not blind."
Silence settled on the room aside from Annie's sniffle as she finished wiping tears off her face.
"I know your not ready to leave the field, but someday you'll have the choice to get back in it, some of us don't."
"When I was gone I had so much time to think, too much time. I let my thoughts lead me, and they lead me to some pretty dark places. It's like I'm starting in hole and pushing myself up."
"Changes no matter how big or small force us to start at the bottom and work our way up," Auggie voiced.
Annie moved her feet under her, not relinquishing her hold on Auggies hand, she laid her head on the couch close to Auggies neck.
"I did some pretty scary things when I was dark. Things that killed people, hurt people. Things I don't even know how I did, things I don't know how I knew to do. I spent months alone only relying on myself. I don't know what I thought would be different when I got back. I thought," She trailed off squeezing his hand.
As out if sync as the pair were, he still read her like he could on their first day, "You thought you wouldn't be just an operative, you thought you would be treated different. You know there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but... You've never been that person that likes others attention," He spoke his thoughts running out loud,"Joan. You have always craved her appreciation. She treats you different now but..."
"It's just I killed a lot of people for you, Arthur, Teo, Joan, and McKenzie. I mean I... I do regret killing people in cold blood like I did. But I did it because I want to... Protect you guys, not because I had to but," She let out her true inner thoughts.
"You wished Joan would've thanked you more personally. You wish that you two were closer like Joan and I are. You know that's not to much to ask. You probably think wishing for that is stupid, but it's not. If Joan's ever going to be close to anyone it's you," Auggies finger traced over her thumb.
"At the beginning she was more of a mother to me than I ever had. I just... Don't even know."
"Annie, whatever you need we'll fix it. You need a life, and we can make you that. Just promise me whatever kind of life you have, I can be in it," he said seriously.
She smiled, "of course," she leaned over resting her head on his neck and kissed his cheek.
"You know you can talk to me whenever instead of just randomly erupting in my office.
"I know," Annie nodded against him,"I know that now."