Chapter Fifteen
My heart thudded wildly in my chest. I was draped over the back of a horse, my feet and hands tied. My God, Toki was inside the burning house! Tears dripping from my cheeks as the ground sped past below me, making my head spin. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself.
The huge, ugly man who had captured me had his hand on my back, holding me onto the horse.
Please God, let Toki be safe. Protect him, and protect Asvald, I prayed, doing anything I could for the people I loved. But behind my closed lids, I saw Toki's face, screaming as he was swallowed by angry flames. Oh God, protect him.
We rode for hours, and my whole body ached, but my fear numbed it. That night my captors stopped, allowing me and the other captives to rest. Both my feet and hands were tied to a tree, preventing me from moving even an inch. The northern lights wove across the starry sky, and tears rolled over my cheeks and into my ears. My breasts ached painfully from too much milk and I wanted to remove some, so my body would continue to make milk for when Toki and are I are reunited, but of course I couldn't, for my hands were tied. I had to believe that he somehow survived. I could not allow myself to believe in his death.
The night dragged on and I finally fell asleep.
{}
Morning came and my captor woke me with a kick. My eyes flew open and I glared up the man's cruel brown eyes. His nose was large and crooked, his cheeks and chin covered in a long, unkempt black beard.
"What are your plans for me?" I asked in Norse, jerking against the ropes that restrained me.
He sneered at me. "You are a chieftain's wife. You are here for ransom."
"If you harm me, Asvald will kill you," I growled and tried to sit up. The ropes made it impossible.
He laughed, but it was in no way friendly. "Oh, not to worry. You will come to no harm if you do as you're told."
"What am I being told to do?" I asked quietly, telling myself to be brave. It wasn't my first time being captured by savage Norsemen.
"You'll see, spoiled woman," he said with a cold smile. Untying my ropes, he put an oatmeal cake to my lips. I turned my face, not willing to accept anything from those brutes.
"Eat it, bitch," he growled and grabbed my jaw to open my mouth. With a sigh, I opened my mouth and took a bite of food.
"Good girl," he chuckled and patted the top of my head. I glared at him.
Once again I was tossed on top of a horse and we galloped across the gently rolling grass covered hills.
Finally we arrived at my captors' village and I was hurried into a small sod house that stank of stale food and smoke. An old woman with grey hair and a cold, stern face lived there. When I entered, she grabbed my arm and pushed me down next to the fire. I glanced up at her before turning my back to her and squeezed some milk from my breasts, desperate to relieve the pain.
The old woman muttered to herself, but I couldn't understand a word she said. Ducking my chin down, I let my hair fall in a curtain around my face to hide the hot, stinging tears on my cheeks.
"Stop your tears and help me," the old woman snapped and I got to my feet, wiping at my face.
After I prepared the evening meal, I asked the old woman if I could go for a walk.
"No," she snapped, unable to look me in the eye.
I sighed and laid down on my furs, groaning as I pressed my palms to my eyes. How could my life get any worse?
I waited until the old woman fell asleep, then I slunk to the door, and took a few running steps until I tripped, twisting my ankle at a horrible angle. Pain exploded in my ankle and I let out a scream, rolling over to see my captor rising from the ground, looking furious.
I winced and crawled away backwards, ignoring the pain I felt.
"Where do you think you're going?" He asked, kneeling down in front of me. My breathing deepened and quickened, my eyes wide as he used one hand to grip my hair, the other to squeeze my ankle. I cried out and tried to twist away from him, but that only brought more pain.
"Are you trying to escape, woman?" he asked, yanking on my hair. His breath smelled heavily of ale. He was drunk.
"Of course! I have a husband, a newborn child. I have to get back to them," I said, holding back the tears that were threatening to spill.
"I'm sure he'll come for you, in due time," he said. "But while we wait, I'm sure your husband wouldn't mind if I used you for myself a little bit." His hand left my hair and went to the hem of my dress.
"No!" I screamed and kicked him soundly in the stomach. He groaned but his grip tightened on my ankle. I screamed out in pain and terror.
"Lie still, you stupid bitch," he growled at me and grasped my shoulders, holding me down. Panic burned through me and I twisted around, trying to free myself.
"Help!" I screamed, but knew that no one would come. Here, I was only a thrall, another man's woman. No one would help me.
He moved so he was straddling me, and his hands left my shoulders. I wriggled underneath him, but couldn't get free. I watched with wide eyes as he undid his trousers, freeing his erect member. I felt sick just looking at it, my terror deepening.
"My husband will torture you and kill you," I hissed as tears rolled down my chest. More than anything at all, I wanted Asvald.
"Only if he can catch me," he answered, his voice slurred, and pushed my dress up to my hips. I tried to jerk away from him as he knelt between my legs, holding my arms down. He held my feet down with his legs.
"Dear God, save me. Sweet Jesus, help me," I prayed and closed my eyes. I felt the tip of his manhood brush me and I yelped. "You won't get any gold from my husband if you violate me!"
He sneered at me. "I do not need the gold. What I need is the warmth of your flesh."
My world started to tip and I felt like I would faint. I had survived two years among these Norsemen without being raped. Why was this happening?
Suddenly I heard an angry scream. "You old bastard, get off that girl!"
The man jumped off of me and stumbled to his feet. I sat up and saw a young woman standing there, her hands on her hips, her face angry. The man bowed and turned to run away. She let him go and came to kneel in front of me. Her green eyes were kind, and she didn't seem much older than me. Her hair was pale in the moonlight.
"Did he violate you, sweet one?" She asked gently, touching a hand to my flushed cheek. I was still trembling.
"No," I whispered and pushed my dress back down. "He tried, but I think he was too drunk to..." I hesitated and looked down at my hands. "He couldn't get his manhood inside me."
"You will be alright now." She helped me up and I let out a scream when I tried to put weight on ankle.
"Come with me, I will bring you into my home and care for that ankle," she said soothingly. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out in pain again.
Slowly, we limped back to her home, which was the biggest longhouse in the village.
"You are the wife of the Chieftain," I stated as she seated me by the warm fire, for it was a chilly spring night. In the light of the fire, I could see that the woman was only wearing a nightdress.
"Aye, I am," she said as she ripped some cloth up. Her husband, the Chieftain, set up in his bed.
"What's going on, wife? Why are you out of bed?" He asked sleepily, before his eyes landed on me. He looked back at his wife and raised his eyebrows.
"She is a captive. A man was trying to force himself on her, and I stopped him. Her ankle is broken and I am going to tend to it. Go on back to sleep," she said and her husband laid back down again. She looked at me with a smile and knelt down to feel my ankle. I winced from the pain.
"Sorry," she murmured. "What is your name?"
"Eachna," I hissed as she wrapped strips of cloth around my ankle, binding it tightly.
"That is an Irish name," she said and looked up at me. "Are you not Norse?"
I shook my head. "I was born in Ireland. My husband's father stole me from my home so I could marry his son."
She chuckled and turned her attention back to my ankle. "Your life has not been easy, has it?"
I smiled. "No, certainly not."
"That is quite rare, you know. For a chieftain's son to marry a captive." She wrapped another cloth around my ankle and I shifted.
"What is your name?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the pain.
"My name is Alwilda," she said, her name flowing beautifully off her lips.
"That is a lovely name," I said and cried out as she tightened to bandage.
"Thank you," she said and moved to sit beside me. "Your ankle should feel better in a few hours, now that it is bound up. Are you hungry, thirsty?"
"I'd like some mead, if it wouldn't be too much trouble," I said, wanting the drink that I knew could make my head spin. I wanted to get drunk.
"Of course," she said and got me a cup of the sweet drink. I took it from her with thanks and took a long gulp.
Alwilda leaned close to me and whispered, "I know that in a short while, some men are planning to ride Ireland. If you'd like, I can arrange for you to go as a thrall. You could escape and return to your family."
I nearly choked on my drink and I looked at her with wide eyes. "You would do that for me?"
She nodded, her green eyes sparkling.
I threw myself forward and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Thank you so much, Alwilda."
She laughed softly and gave me a squeeze, before pulling back. "Alright, but you must stay quiet for now."
She rose and laid out some furs by the fire. "You may sleep here tonight."
I laid down on the furs and smiled up at her. "May God bless you, Alwilda."
She grinned, then slipped into bed beside her husband. My eyes closed and I was asleep.
{}
The next days dragged on and on, turning into weeks. I hardly left the smoke-filled sod house, because of my ankle. I waited for Asvald, praying that he would come. But the hours ticked by, the sun rose and set, and my husband still didn't come.
A new man came to visits me every day and made sure I was being cared for. He would check my ankle to make sure it was healing correctly. This new man was called Alf, and he was quiet, gentle. He treated me with great kindness.
I never saw the man who captured me again.
The old woman I stayed with was mad, she muttered to herself and talked to faces she saw in the dark. I thought I would go insane myself from not having anyone to talk to. While my ankle healed, I spent most of my time on the beach, sitting on the warm sand and watching the soft waves.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I hadn't spoken aloud in days, and my heart ached for my family. Asvald, where are you? Sighing, I rested my chin on my knees.
Footsteps crunched behind me and I looked over my shoulder. Alf, my caretaker, came and sat beside me.
"It seems your husband won't be coming after all," he said, and I was unable to read the cool blue of his eyes.
I kept my eyes on the sparkling water, fighting off my fear that Asvald would never find me.
Alf spoke again. "In three days' time we will be leaving on a raid. Ireland, actually. We'll be bringing you along to prepare our meals and do the women's work. Couldn't leave you here, now could we?" He touched my cheek and I turned my face away, trying to hide my excitement. Alwilda had kept her promise and I would soon be returning home. My heart raced in my chest and for the first time in days, I felt a wild and fearless hope.
I spent the next three days resting my ankle, willing it to heal even just a little bit more. It was broken and painful, but I'd do anything to get back to my family. If Asvald couldn't find me, at least I'd have my sisters and brothers, and my mother.
The day dawned for us to depart and Alf came to get me, handing me a little pouch filled with bread and cheese. I smiled and thanked him.
We reached the beach and the Chieftain leaned down and helped me into the ship, settling me down on a bench toward the back. Alwilda was also on the ship, for she would be cooking and cleaning for the men during the raids. She was clever, and had arranged for all of this to happen perfectly.
I watched as they loaded food and water, nibbling on a piece of bread. It wasn't long until we were sailing away from the coast. My heart squeezed painfully. Would I ever see Asvald and Toki again? Though I missed my husband, I missed my infant son even more. I wondered if he was even alive.
The ship rocked gently, and my stomach twisted. Focusing my eyes on the sky, I tried not to be sick. The men didn't row, for the wind was on our side. All was quiet, peaceful, despite the hell these Norsemen were going to create for the Irish.
As the day lagged on, I hummed a Norse lullaby to myself, fighting boredom. Alf came and sat beside me.
"After this trip, I plan on taking you for my bed thrall," he said in a calm manner, his voice gentle.
I looked down at my hands, unwilling to look at his face, even though he was quite handsome. "I am no virgin. I have just given birth to a child only three months ago."
"It matters not to me if you are a virgin, or that you have birthed a child. I have grown an affection for you, and I want you under my care." He rested his hand on my knee, his thumb caressing me.
When I didn't respond, he sighed and stood, and moved to the front of the ship. I watched him walk away, and smiled.
A few days later, we made port on the western side of Ireland, close to my hometown. My family was only a few miles down the coast. The men stormed out of the ship, shouting battle cries and raising their axes and swords. They left me alone with Alwilda, who was supposed to keep an eye on me.
"Go," she said and helped me over the side of the ship, so I hid the hand lightly. Pain still shot up my broken ankle and I held in a cry.
"Will your husband beat you for letting me escape?" I asked as she handed me a bag filled with bread and cheese, and a horn of water.
She shook her head, her green eyes shining. "No, he is kind to me. Now go!"
"Thank you, Alwilda. For all you've done. I pray that someday we might met again." With those parting words, I turned in the direction of my old village, and stumbled that way as quickly as I could. My ankle screamed in pain but I couldn't stop. The sun had just risen and I had all day to make my journey. I moved inland a bit so I wasn't walking on sand, and my pace quickened. My whole body trembled but I couldn't stop. I was eager to see my family, but I didn't like the idea of seeing my father again.
When the sun was setting low in the sky, I could see the outline of my town. Sobs shook my body as I stumbled the last mile or so.
The town was quiet as I limped down the stone streets. The shops were familiar, so were some of the faces. As I got closer to my home, my feet moved faster, my heart racing. Coming to the little farmhouse I had grown up in, I swung open the door. My sister was sitting at the table, my mother at the hearth. They both looked at me with wide eyes.
"Eachna?" My mother gasped. I smiled, tears filling my eyes. It had been more than two years since I had last seen them. My mother rushed to me and pulled me into her arms. My sister came to my side and wrapped her arm around me.
"Are you well? Have you been harmed?" My mother asked, frantic. Tears followed down her cheeks.
I nodded and blinked against my own tears. "I am well, I assure you."
She pulled back and just gazed at my gaze. "My, you've changed. You're a woman now."
Leaning forward, I kissed her cheek and hugged her tightly once again.
When all our tears were spent, and kisses had been exchanged, they set me down in front of the fire, giving me milk and a plate of food. As I ate, I told them about Asvald and Toki, about the raid from another village and how I ran away.
Kalin and Mama sat in shocked silence for a few moments, just staring at me.
"You fell in love with a Norseman?" Kalin asked, frowning at me.
I smiled. "Aye, I did. He's not all that bad, really. He's quite handsome and he treats me well," I said, not telling them about his roughness when I first came to live with him.
Mama nodded and pulled me into another embrace. "I am so happy to see you again!"
Kalin smiled at me, her hazel eyes sparkling with love for me. "I cannot believe my baby sister had a child before me."
I blushed, feeling like a child myself. I was a child when I had last been with them. "I miss my son. I pray that he is alive."
Just then my father walked into the house. "Eachna?" His eyes filled with tears and he rushed to me, pulling me into his arms. I returned his embrace and waited impatiently for him to release me. His tears wetted my neck, and I felt my stomach twist.
Once he let me go, we sat and I retold my story.
"You're a mother?" He asked, tears streaming down his face. I hated his tears. It was doubtful that he even missed me at all. The man always used words and fake tears to express his love, not his actions.
I nodded and glanced at the ground. "I am happy now. I know it may be hard to believe, but I have my own life now, with my husband and son. You probably don't understand."
My father's blue eyes hardened, thick glass that can cut through my soul with his glare. "He should be killed. If he shows his face here, I will kill him."
I gritted my teeth. Since leaving Ireland, I'd become even more of a fighter and I would not let this man who calls himself my father affect my life any longer. "You will not kill the father of my child."
My father slammed his fist down on the table. "He is your rapist!"
I rose to my feet and slammed both palms on the table. "He never forced me! I wanted to lie with him, father. Perhaps I am the little whore you always said I was."
His face paled, his sharp blue eyes cutting into me. "I never meant those words to hurt you, Eachna." How could he look so angry and yet still try to speak gentle words?
I felt emotion choking me but I turned it back into anger. "How did you mean them, then? Asvald may have stolen me from my home, but he is a better husband and father than you could ever hope of being." My heart thudded in my chest and I despised the old pain that returned. Of all the things I'd gone through, this old, familiar pain hurt the worst of all.
Refusing to engage with him anymore, I turned and rushed into the room Kalin and I used to share and slammed the door behind me.
{}
That night I slept in my sister's bed, and she cuddled up close to me.
"Tell me more about Asvald," she said, grinning at me and poking my belly.
I giggled. "What more do you want to know? He has blue eyes, golden hair, and a muscular body. His voice is deep, and he likes to order me around."
"Is he a good lover?" she asked, winking at me. I rolled my eyes and smacked her lightly on the arm.
"Yes, he is a good lover," I giggled. I'd missed such candid conversations with my sister.
"Is he well-endowed?" She whispered. Her eyes shined with a mischief we both shared.
"Kalin!" I squealed and pulled the blanket up to cover my blushing face. "He is of a pleasing size and that is all I will say."
"Alright, fine." She giggled and poked my tummy again. "I am happy you are here, Eachna. Life just isn't the same without you."
I lowered the blanket and met the eyes of my sister. "I have missed you as well. My first year away was the hardest. Never in my life have I felt such loneliness."
She rubbed my back and smiled, her beauty taking my breath away. "You're here now. You do not have to be lonely anymore."
"You cannot even understand how happy I am to be here," I whispered, my voice thick from tears. "I thought I would never see you again."
Kalin's lower lip trembled, her golden green eyes filled with tears. "I thought you were dead. I almost wanted to believe you were dead, instead of believing that you were living your life as a slave."
I took her hand and pressed my thumb into her palm. "I've been mostly happy, this whole time we've been apart."
"Mostly?" Kalin asked, frowning.
I went on to tell her about the time I left Asvald to be a thrall to Jabez, and the tiresome work I did, and my attempts of getting back to Asvald, and finally of the beatings I received.
She gasped and tears gathered in her eyes. "Oh, little goose. I am so sorry."
Tears rolled down my cheeks at the sight of the pain in my sister's eyes. "I still bear the scars of that man's belt," I said softly, almost ashamed. The scars were light, just hints of pink stripes along my back. But Asvald and the women who helped me give birth were the only ones to see it.
"May I see them?" She asked gently and I nodded. She helped me pull down my dress and I lay on my stomach. With a gentle finger, she traced my scars. "My sweet little sister. I am so sorry." Hot drops of water fell on my skin and I realized she was crying.
"You are the only one to see those scars besides Asvald and the women who helped me give birth to my son," I whispered and rolled over again, pulling my dress up.
She stared at me with compassionate hazel eyes, though she didn't speak for a while. We simply lay together, soaking in each other's presence. Finally she spoke again.
"Did your...husband ever force you to lie with him?" Her golden eyes were dark with worry.
"Well, not really. Do not worry about it, alright?" I said, not sure how to answer the question. After all, he did harass me often at the beginning of our so-called marriage, but he never truly forced me to bed with him.
Kalin nodded and glanced down for a moment, her lips quivering. When her gaze met mine again, her golden eyes shined with unshed tears. "I am sorry about your baby, Eachna."
I gritted my teeth against the pain in my chest, taking a gasp of air to ease the tightness. "I am praying and hoping that he still lives." My nose started dripping and I dabbed at it with my sleeve. "As a mother, it will kill to me know that he died in such a painful, horrid way." Finally I couldn't hold in my pain anymore and the wails burst out of me, the sobs shaking me violently. I felt like if Toki died, part of my soul would die with him. Perhaps that's why the pain was so intense. If Toki was already dead, I was grieving my lost son and the ghost of my motherhood.
My sister's arms curled around me and she held me close, till slowly my sobs turned into silent tears drifting aimlessly down my face.
"Go to sleep, Eachna. Mama and I will be here when you wake," Kalin whispered and kissed my cheek. I nodded and closed my eyes, heaving a big sigh. I was almost afraid to fall asleep, afraid that I would have nightmares of Toki in that fire, afraid that I would wake to find that it was all a dream, afraid of wishing it was all just a dream. I was starting to drift off against my will when Kalin slipped her hand into mine. A smile spread across my face and I relaxed. It was so good to be with my family again, and not be alone during my storm.
….
The next morning I woke up feeling much better, and after more kisses and embraces from my Mama, I went for a walk in the Irish countryside I had missed everything about Ireland so much.
My milk had stopped producing and I had cried over that, angry because if I ever got Toki back, and if he was even alive, I wouldn't be able to bond with him that way. The air was warm and moist, smelling slightly of salt. It was good to be home, but I missed Asvald. I longed to hear his voice, to feel his strong embrace, his lips on mine.
I came to a stream that ran through the farmland behind the cottage I had grown up in. I sat on the bank and let the sparkling water flow over my toes.
I wanted to cry for happiness for being with my family after all this time, but my heart ached for Asvald. I hadn't seen him in weeks. It seemed so unfair that now I was back in Ireland, all I wanted was to be in Norway with Asvald and Toki. Fate was cruel.
When I was done walking, I went to my brother's home and saw my nephew, Jarlath, and my niece, Anne. He didn't remember me. I reached out to him, and he turned away, shy because he had no memory of me. After speaking with my brother and his wife, I quickly left, unable to stop my tears. Jarlath was my baby, I spent much of my time with him before I was captured. It broke my heart into a million pieces that he had forgotten me.
I returned home again, where my father was waiting for me. "Eachna, we need to talk."
I raised my eyes to his and refused to let myself waver. "What is there left to say?"
He sighed and motioned with his head toward the field behind our house. "Let us walk."
I'd just come from a walk, but I'd rather be moving than sitting while talking to him, so we strolled side by side, the long grass ticking my ankles.
"You did not hate me before you were captured. Why do you hate me now?" He asked, his voice cracking.
In that moment, I truly hated him. I did. There seemed little I could do about it. All those years he'd forced me to pack all my negative emotions in a box and forgive him, and let him have his way. Well, I was sick of it. I whirled on him. Maybe I'd been strong by carrying my burden before, but after the hell I'd been through in the past couple years, I was a strong enough fighter to throw it back in his face.
For once, I became angry without tears stinging my eyes. "You have deceived yourself if you think all this time I've forgiven you and loved you. You were supposed to be the man who cared for me and protected me, but instead you were the one from whom I needed to be protected." I stopped for a breath, and glared at my father. His face was tight, his eyes burning into me. Never in my life had I known eyes harsher than his.
He broke into my silence. "I never hurt you."
I nearly crumbed under the cut of his glare. But that had happened enough for my lifetime. "How can you say that?"
He reached out and tried to pull me into his arms. "I love you, Eachna." His hands slid over my arms.
I resisted the urge to scream, and instead shoved him away and took a few steps back. The touch of his hand sent shivers up my spine and I felt like I would be sick. "I have known true love from my husband, and my child, and Kalin and Mama." I leveled my eyes on his and pierced him back. The words poured slowly and smoothly from my lips. "You do not know honest love."
I couldn't handle any more of his presence, so I turned my back and stormed away, not knowing where I was going. I covered my mouth with my hand and sobbed as I walked. Hurt did not bring my tears; anger did. But as I passed people on the road and heard their loud Irish laughs and passionate shouts full of love, I felt my anger fade. I was home. Surrounded by familiar sights, smells, and sounds, it was not the time to feel angry.
I went down to the beach, remembering how scared I was two years ago, being stolen by Asvald. The water was clear and blue, and I let the sea foam tickle my feet. My ankle throbbed. My eyes searched the horizon for ships, hoping that Asvald was on the way. Fishing boats bobbed in the calm waters and fishermen worked on the docks, but I felt like I was alone, the only sounds I heard was the soft roar of the waves. Would Asvald ever find me? Would he even know where to look? Where are you, Asvald?