Chapter Sixteen
Dreams of Toki and Asvald haunted me while I slept, and I woke often with screams, covered in sweat and tears. Kalin would bring me to her chest and rest her chin on my head, her hands stroking my back.
"Do not lose hope," she murmured to me sleepily in the chill of the spring night. Her voice sent the pain in my chest ebbing away. The only bond stronger than the bond between my sister and I was the bond I had with Toki. Only a mother's bond is stronger than the one between sisters.
Slowly I pulled out of her arms and sat up, lighting a candle beside the bed. My arms curled around my knees as I rocked slightly. "I shall never see my son and husband again."
My sister was not one to encourage false hope. Instead she stayed quiet and just looked at me with tear-filled hazel eyes. The death of children was not unknown, it was a common loss, one every mother seemed to experience at least once in her life. But I had not expected to lose my first child, while still young.
"It is strange." My voice seemed to break through the air like a hammer, shattering the silence with dull shock. "It is strange how all that time I was gone, I longed to be here. Now I am here, and all I wish is to be there." The word cruel played in my mind for a time, repeating itself like a whispered chant in the corners of my mind. I sat still, not even daring to blink my eyes. Unable to.
Kalin sighed and let her tears spill. "All I know is that every day you spent apart from me was a hell I never care to remember." Lifting her head, I felt her gaze on my face. "But my hell would have been bliss to you."
Finally I blinked and turned my head. Without meaning to, I held Kalin's hand in my own, her skin softer than my own. I turned it over so I could trace the lines on her palm. For a moment I wondered if the lines of the hand honestly had a story to tell. Our eyes did. Why not our hands as well?
"Only some was hell." My voice broke and I cleared my throat, the silence of the small room deafening to a broken heart. Shadows in the shape of our bodies lingered on the wall. Shadows touch when hearts cannot.
Kalin knew I was lost in my mind and spoke for me. "The love was not hell, you mean?" Her voice was softer than mine, gentle like a mother's.
Should not I be the one with the mother's voice?
I shrugged and rubbed at my eyes, trying to clear away the heavy fog in my mind that threatened to drag me into a pit all too familiar to me. A pit with no sound, no light. I had been before and would never again peer into its depths. "For the first time in my life, I was truly loved by a man, and I brought life into the world. There is no hell in that."
"Do you wish to speak of Toki?" Kain asked softly, though I could hear how much she wanted me to speak of the nephew she never met.
So I told her, everything I could think of. I told her how he woke me at all hours of the night and most days I cried with exhaustion. I told her how the top of his head smelled like comfort and how his coos where the most precious sound I had ever head.
Letting the words pour out from my heart felt like the blood gushing out and cleaning an open wound. Perhaps now my heart would heal.
By the time I finished speaking, the pale light of morning began to flood the small house, and I rose from the bed, lifting my arms over my head and arching my back. The stretching of my muscles reminded me how nice it felt to move.
Kalin and I dressed, and while she went to gather eggs and milk to cow, I joined my mother at the hearth, making oatmeal cakes.
My mother took a glance at me and must have seen the redness in my eyes and the dark circles below them. "I am so sorry, my love." She caressed my back and kissed my cheek. "I never wished this for my daughter."
Biting my lip to hold back my tears, I poured the strong Irish tea into mugs and set them on the table as my father stumbled into the room. "Good morn," he smiled at me and nodded his head, as there wasn't a single bit a malice between us. Luckily, after a year with Asvald, I learned how to ignore a frustrating male.
My sister returned with the milk and eggs, and we sat down to break the fast.
Silence lingered as my family sensed how ill at ease I felt, how tortured my soul was.
"Have you abandoned your God for their pagan ones?" My father cut through the tension with a haughty voice, his eyes digging holes into me.
Too tired not wilt under his stare, my chin lowered as I sipped the tea I cradled between my hands. "Do you think I would be here right now without my faith?" The coldness of my tone shocked me. Usually emotion spilled from me, out of my control.
Father smiled, though I would have been more comforted by a corpse's grin. "I rejoice to hear that, Eachna. The wretch who stole you may have ruined your body, but at least he could not touch your soul."
Kalin glared at our father, her knuckles turning white as she gripped the edge of the table. My mother rose from the table and turned her back, busying herself by cutting slices of bread.
Instead of answering sharply, I inhaled deeply and sipped the warm tea, grateful for the soothing effect it had on me. My father would not change his mind no matter what I could say. "Father," I finally spoke, softly. "If I have learned anything at all in my time away from here, it is that living in peace is better than living in strife. Let us be at peace."
"Ah. Of course," he nodded and went back to his food.
Rolling my eyes, I stood and took my sister by the hand. "Come for a walk with me."
She followed me quickly out onto the dirt road that snaked through the small coastal village. "Are you well, Eachna? I am concerned for you." She picked up her pace to keep stride with me. "Where are we going?"
"Anywhere, other than that house," I said sharply and stumbled into the long grass, leaving the road. My ankle was healed, and I took off at a run, pumping my legs faster and faster and faster, my hair free behind me, whipping against my neck, my chest heaving as I breathed deeply. It reminded me of the times I ran trying to escape from Asvald.
Kalin ran beside me, and together we disappeared into a spinning world of green and blue. As I ran I began to sob, angry at the world for what I had been through, how far I had come to end up in the same place but having lost so much.
I couldn't breathe, my throat and nose filled with tears. Finally I dropped to the ground and rolled onto my back. I swallowed hard and gulped in the air, until I had enough to scream. Tearing up grass by the roots, I roared and threw it violently away from me.
Kalin stood over me, stooped as she tried to catch her breath. "Eachna, stop. You are scaring me."
Wispy clouds drifted through the pale sky and my breathing slowed as I watched them drift aimlessly, at peace with the fact that they had nowhere to go. "Do forgive me, sister." I pressed a hand to my sweaty brow and peered up at her through squinted eyes. She looked so beautiful with her face flushed from running. "The strain I've been under has not settled well with me."
She plopped down into the grass beside me, lying back with her arms under her head. "You've always been a strong wee one, Eachna. I would say it has all settled quite well with you. How is it that you could manage to not tie a rock to your ankle and dive into the sea?"
Smiling, I rolled onto my side and faced her. "Death would not end any of my pain. Though I did try to run a couple times." My thoughts turned to the night I first lay with Asvald, and how strange I felt when it was over. "Kalin, I ran the night Asvald took my maidenhead."
"Why?" Her hand covered my own, her thumb trailing over the fragile skin on the back of my hand. "Did he hurt you, little goose?"
"No, 'twas not that." My face felt hot, and I realized with some sadness that I felt shy in front of my sister in a way I had never experienced before. "It felt I had betrayed you, and betrayed mama." I could not make myself look into her eyes as tears filled mine. "It felt wrong to love him after all he did."
My sister engulfed me in her arms and soothed me as a mother would a child, her warm tears wetting the skin of my neck. "He chose wisely when he took you," she murmured. Her breath smelled like tea, and her hair smelled like home. I inhaled deeply. "He chose the biggest heart in all of Ireland."
Laughing and crying all at once, I untangled myself from her and stood, holding out my hand to her. Kalin grinned and took it, hopping to her feet. "Where shall we go now?"
I glanced around at my small home, how different it was from the Norse village that had become my own. The houses were round with thatched roofs instead of long and rectangular with grass roofs. The land was greener and there weren't any mountains around. Just trees and farmland.
My eyes happened upon an old tavern where the fishermen would go to drink after a long day of work. I wondered if they would remember me. Kalin and I would often go there together to dance a jig and flirt with the men. It was all in the name of jest, and all the men treated us as if they were our brothers or uncles. Irish men knew how to behave, unlike some uncouth Norsemen I could name.
"Let's go to McTavish's Tavern." A girlish squeal escaped me and we raced across the field and through the street, dodging carts and chickens and pigs. The door opened with a thump. The tavern was poorly lit, it's cloudy, milky light giving me the sensation of being in a dream.
A fat man with a full dirty beard stood behind the counter, pouring a fisherman an ale. I remembered him, his name was Matthew McTavish. Kalin tugged on my hand and we smiled at each other, not needing words to say that it was good to be together again, like old times. We perched on the stools and waited.
The tavern was mostly empty, as most of the men were still at sea or at work in the fields. Old fish and sweaty men scented the stale, unmoving air and again I inhaled deeply, remembering the smell of home which sent my heart into a twist.
Matthew pushed two mugs of ale toward my sister and me, starting me from my thoughts. His face was flushed, sweat trickling into his beard as he stared at me, looking from me to Kalin and back again.
"Is it you, lass?" He focused on me, his mouth hanging open with surprise, his voice incredulous. "Has your ghost returned to haunt this old pub?" He chuckled heartily.
I grinned and took a gulp of ale. "It's Eachna, yes." I lifted an eyebrow at him.
"Well by Saint Peter, do tell the story!" He leaned close to me and I blinked at the stink of his breath. "How is that you made it back to this o' town after so long with the heathens?"
So I told him the story, leaving out many details and even changing the story to make it more entertaining. It was just the proper Irish way of telling a wild tale. Kalin's laughter made it even better, for she knew how the true story went.
When I finished Matthew was sweating even more than before and he appeared both amazed and horrified. I couldn't help laughing at his reaction, and by the time I had finished my story, I had already drunk a couple mugs of ale.
"Well by God!" He laughed loudly, and when a fellow fisherman came into the pub, he called him over. The fisherman recognized me and again I told me tale, again and again as more people wandered in. Kalin finally left, as she got tired of hearing the story again and again, and I felt bad that I gave up some of my time with her, but I was enjoying the attention. Also, I'd had a bit too much to drink at that point and hardly knew what I was saying.
One of my brothers even came, for news of my return was spreading around town and he wanted to see what the fuss was about. The bond between my older brothers and I was thin. We were never close, and honestly he felt like a stranger to me.
When the sun had been down for an hour, my brother Seamus took my arm and pulled me from the drunken crowd after my stories began to wander into the kind not proper to be told from a lady's mouth.
The world swirled around me as we stumbled through the night, Seamus supporting most of my weight.
"Ah lassie, what have you done? Your head will be a'pounding tomorrow," he grunted as he wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me from stumbling.
I just laughed and grinned up at him, his face blurry and pale in the clear moonlight. "I like your voice. It's gentle. I missed that voice," I slurred and patted his cheek. "You're a good man, my boy. Quite good."
He shook his head and watching the movement of it almost made me sick. "Thank ye, lassie."
My knees gave out and I escaped into darkness.
….
When I woke up tucked into Kalin's bed, the first thing that entered my mind was how badly my head ached, and how nasty my mouth tasted. Slowly last night's events came back to me and I groaned, rolling onto my stomach. Not often did I get drunk, and I wasn't proud of my behavior last night. Asvald would not have been pleased. I was a mother, and mothers did not do such things. Or was I a mother still? Perhaps not.
There was a noise behind me so I sat to see Kalin standing in the doorway. "Good morn', sister." She smiled but I could tell she was frustrated with me. "How is your head?" In her hands she held a mug of water, which I took and gulped quickly.
"It's hurting," I told her with a sheepish smile as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. A sudden thought occurred to me, and my heart skipped a beat, stealing my breath.
"Eachna?" Kalin grabbed my hands and frowned down at me. "Eachna, what is it? You are pale as the moon, love."
I blinked and sucked in a few deep breaths. "If Asvald has given up and thinks I am dead, he may have taken another wife." Saying the evil thought out loud increases the achy feeling inside me.
"From what you told me, it seems your husband loves you with all his being. And after all the trouble he went through to get you in the first place, I doubt that he will stop looking for you until he either sees your corpse or until you're in his arms again." She smoothed my hair back from my face. "Stop worrying yourself."
Her eyes were guarded. She was trying to hide something from me, and I didn't like it. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her down onto the bed next to me. "What is it, Kalin? Talk to me. After all this time apart, do not withdraw from me."
To my surprise her eyes welled with tears and she turned her face away. "Listen, Eachna. I know you've made a home in Norway, and I understand that. But selfishly, I want you to just stay here with me."
"Oh." My breath left me in a little sigh. Of course, how did I not see it before? If I left her again, it would only break her heart even worse than the first time.
Finally she looked at me, her eyes red and her lips trembling. The pain was written on her face, and it occurred to me that perhaps her suffering over the last year was worse than mine. At least I had the comfort of knowing she was safe in our village, though she grieved for me. But she had no knowledge of what became of me. She had to go to sleep each night wondering if I was safe and wake up each morning not knowing if I was alive. "I am sorry, Kalin," I murmured as I cuddled into her shoulder. "I must stop complaining, for I am not the only one who has suffered." Her hair soaked up my tears.
She stroked the back of my head and we stayed that way for a while. When we were both comforted, we joined my mother for the chores.
My mother wanted to know what it was like for me carrying my first child and how the birth went. At the time all I wanted was for my mother to be there with me, and it gave me some healing to share my memories with her.
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Time continued to pass quickly and slowly all at once, racing by when I laughed with my family, and slowing down when I woke in the night crying for my husband and baby.
Gradually, I felt myself slipping back into the way life had been before I left. Asvald's face began to fade into the back of my mind, and Toki felt more like a dream than a child would had once nursed at my breast.
My father and I avoided each other and spoke peacefully when we had to speak.
The Irish language began to feel normal again on my tongue, and I welcomed all things familiar, the food and the music, and the faces of those around me. Acceptance eased my grief.
The best part of being home was going to the market and enjoying the social crowd of excited Irish people. Kalin and I went as often as possible, sometimes coming home with fresh fish for supper, and other times with little carvings made of driftwood or other such useless items.
One day as Kalin and I made our way to the market, I passed a young man with golden brown hair who seemed familiar. With a start, I realized he was the man that I had fancied before I was captured. There had been talk once of my possible marriage to him, though my father hadn't been too eager to marry me off at the time. His name was Aedan.
I told my sister to go on without me and headed toward Aedan. He was standing in the middle of the marketplace, buying some turnips and cabbage. He turned from the cart and saw me, his grey eyes growing wide.
"Eachna?" He exclaimed and laughed, coming toward me. Suddenly I felt horribly shy and unsure. "How did you get back to Ireland, lass?"
Aedan had been more of a friend to me in the past then a lover. I hadn't really thought about him since I was stolen away. It took me a moment to find my voice, and when I did, it was barely above a whisper. "It's quite a story. Are you well? Have you found a woman to love?"
He shook his head and smiled "No. You were hard to shake out of me mind. I tried often to forget ye, but no, you have haunted me like a ghost, lass." His eyes sparkled and I felt sadness squeeze at my heart. He had loved me, and still seemed to. I could have had a life with him, a peaceful life with a good Irish man. I would not have minded being his wife and bearing his children.
"Come with me," he took my hand and led me down to the beach, where we sat in the cool sand and he listened to me tell my tale, as truthfully as I could manage. This time it wasn't for entertainment.
When I finished, we stayed quiet for a moment, and he let the sand slip between his fingers. "You love him." His felt betrayed. His tone was clipped and he refused to look at me.
"Aedan…you may not understand, but I do…I do love him." Gulls cried above us, the waves breaking with gentle roars against the shore. The water reminded me of the blue in Asvald's eyes. In Toki's eyes.
"Aye, because he filled your belly with his child. If his seed had not taken root, you would not love him." Bitterness choked his words and the anger in his face was almost enough to frighten me.
I kicked off my shoes and stripped off my woolen stocking, sighing as the chilly sand got between my toes. "I would love him with or without Toki."
He just sighed and picked up a piece of drift wood, pulling out a small blade from his belt. He whittled it carefully and I watched his hands move, and then the concentration on his face. "How long will you wait for him?"
I stuck my finger in the sand and drew a longship, wishing I could somehow make it real and sailing toward me with my husband aboard. "I will wait until he arrives."
Aedan threw down the piece of driftwood and stared at me with almost a…anger in his eyes. His golden brown hair whipped in the ocean breeze, adding to his intensity. "And what if he never comes for you, hm? Will you wait for him until you are old and gray and cannot remember your own name?"
I was taken aback by his outburst and tried to control my face to hide my surprise. Why did he care so much anyway? But what he was saying rang with truth. If Asvald didn't come within a few weeks, it would be unlikely that he would come at all. Would I spend my life living in the memory of a year of my life with a stranger? Or could I move on and begin a new family?
Glancing at Aedan from below my lashes, I could see a future with him filled with dark haired children with blue eyes and a quiet Irish life. No raiding, no strange customs. Just home and family. It was tempting, I had to admit.
"Was he an honorable man, Eachna?" He asked softly, his hand resting on my knee, sending chills through my body. It had been many weeks since I had been touched by a man.
"He…he never forced me and he never sleep with another woman while he was with me. He was a good father and he loved our son." My throat was thick with emotion and I paused to cough, hoping he didn't notice.
"But he still raided and plundered and stole and murmured." He shifted so he was on his knees, his hands suddenly cupping my face. I gasped and covered his hands with my own, our intense gazes fixed on each other. "I can give ye what ye need, Eachna. A good honorable Irish man who will give you everything. Let him go and come with me." By the time he finished talking, his lips were mere inches from mine. I could taste his breath, which smelled faintly of bread and wine.
A strange urge inside me wanted to push me toward him, to connect our mouths. Good God, I wanted to be touched and caressed and held. It had been so long.
"But I belong to another," I finally chocked out, shoving gently against his chest to put some distance between us. The effect he had on me was disconcerting.
"And where is he? Hm?" He peered at me with intense blue eyes. His eyes were a completely different shade of blue than Asvald's eyes. Aedan's eyes could almost pass for gray. "Let him go, Eachna."
Shaking slightly at the thought, I turned my eyes to the brilliant clear ocean that rolled softly, like gentle lovemaking. How I longed for a ship to appear in the distance. The desire for my husband was so strong, I felt like my chest would cave in onto itself.
"Aedan, your life had hardly changed in this year I've been gone. But I have found beautiful love and brought new life into the world. That is not easily forgotten, but I cannot expect you to understand that." I finished with a sigh and slowly rose to my feet, about to walk away. Aedan caught my hand, his lips parted but unsmiling. "Promise me you will consider my offer."
I gave him a single nod and gently pulled my hand free. "Good day, Aedan." With unsteady steps I retreated as quickly as possible, hurrying home.
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Kalin sat with me outside in the grass as we stitched clothing. We needed to make a dress for me, as the weight I had gained during my pregnancy disappeared, leaving my dresses too large of me. Also my milk had dried up, which left my breasts closer to their original size.
"Have you thought any more on Aedan's offer?" Kalin asked, her golden eyes gentle as she glanced at me.
I shrugged. The topic was one I did not care to speak of often, though now my whole family and the village knew. My father was insisting that I accept, since after all I was no longer a virgin and it was a kind offer for a man to wed even after baring another man's child.
"There is still a hope that Asvald will find me," I murmured, pulling hard on my thread. "If I chose to marry Aedan, that hope will die."
"Eachna." Kalin used a tone that caused me to lay down my sewing and give her my full attention. "I know this is painful and hard, but I think it is best that you find your place again here. It has been two months since you came here and he has still not come. It's time, little goose." She lay her hand on my knee and smiled softly, her curls falling around her face. In that moment, she reminded me of an angel. I often wondered why Asvald chose me instead of Kalin, since she was more beautiful than I. With my long, straight and dull brown hair, my round hips, and small breasts, there would be no denying that I was not a strikingly beautiful woman, though I was soft and lovely.
A bird sang into a nearby tree, its sweet tune joining the gentle sound of rustling leaves. The sound instilled me with peace and I breathed in the Irish air. "Fine. I will speak to Aedan soon about a quiet wedding." The words send a sliver of pain through my heart but I told myself Kalin was right, 'tis time to let go. With time I could find love with Aedan, and there would be more babies. I could not live with my parents forever, and I did not want to die alone anyway. So in the end, I had little choice in the matter.
…..
Before I could lose my nerve, I went to Aedan's home and knocked softly on the door, my stomach turning like an ocean storm.
The door swung open and there stood Aedan, surprise playing on his face when he saw me. It took him a moment to speak. "Come in, lass." He stepped back and gestured me in.
The house was small and round with a thatched roof, like most of the other homes in the village. It was dimly lit with one fire and a single window, but it still afforded more light than a Norse longhouse. Against one wall was a small bed and a small table with a candle on top, and a book of prayers too.
Before the hearth was another small table with two chairs, set with mugs and plates. Aedan pulled back one of the chairs and I sat, smiling nervously at him as he settled across from me.
His gray eyes held a bit of mischief as he said, "What can I do for ye, mistress?"
I straightened my back, preparing myself for what must be said. My hand drifted to my belly, remembering how it felt to carry Toki inside of me. Goodbye, little one. My thoughts turned to Asvald and his face, which was becoming blurry in my memory. Goodbye, my love.
"I am here to accept your offer of marriage." My ears stung to hear the words aloud and my heart picked up speed as I watched his face.
He lifted an eyebrow and smiled with one corner of his mouth. "I am glad you have come to your senses. When shall we be wed?"
I hesitated, wanting more time, while still knowing that if I waited too long, I would change my mind. Something inside me screamed, wanting nothing more than to hold my child and husband again. Let them go, my common sense screamed back.
In the distance the sounds of distant shouts arose and the faint noise disrupted my thoughts. It sounded like there was a disturbance in the village. I frowned at Aedan. "Do you hear that?"
He nodded and rose slowly as the shouting, got louder, closer. Quickly he went to the door and threw it open, leaning outside to peer down the road. I started to stand but he held out a hand to me and I froze, my heart starting to pound as screams added to the shouting.
The bell in the church began to ring and my heart sank into my stomach. It reminded me of the day I was captured. When I heard people screaming, "Norsemen!" I rose to my feet, my heart beating even faster. Could I dare hope…?
Suddenly Aedan was shoved out of the doorway and a huge form entered the small hut.
My breath caught in my throat as my eyes stared disbelieving. How could it be?
"Eachna!" The familiar voice came out in strangled gasp, and soon I was in his arms, pressed into his chest painfully, inhaling his scent once more.
"Asvald," I sighed into him, my arms curling tightly around him, my head still unwilling to believe that I stood in my husband's embrace. So many questions swirled in my mind that I could hardly formulate a complete sentence to even speak. Instead I lifted my face to him, hoping the taste of his lips would draw me from my trance.
But before our mouths could meet, men poured into the hut with shouts and roars, pulling Asvald off of me, and forcing him to his knees. Their eyes glowed with blood lust, fury flushing their faces. They would protect their homeland. It was then I noticed that Asvald was unarmed. He did not have his sword.
His eyes met mine pleadingly and I was jarred into action. Throwing myself forward, I knelt before Asvald and wrapped my arms around his neck. My ears ached from the exclaiming in such a small, confined space. Asvald's arms came around me and cradled me to his chest, his hand cupping the back of my head. Oh how I had missed that touch.
The shouting died and silence replaced it. Now my ears rung, the silence deafening and I almost winced.
"He is my husband," I said with a cracking voice as I lifted my eyes to the angry, murderous men around me, all who had their knives and axes pointed in Asvald's direction. "You cannot harm him. He will not cause any violence. Just let me leave with him in peace."