"Well, I knew it wouldn't be long – you three are free to go," said Leland the next morning, unlocking the door to the cell that Harley, Ivy, and Selina shared.
"Aw, can't it wait a few more hours, Leland?" muttered Selina, rolling over. "I wanna sleep in."
"You could bring us breakfast at least," said Ivy, not even opening her eyes. "I think we're owed that much for the inconvenience of sleeping here."
"We're free to go now?" asked Harley, standing up instantly.
"Yes, whenever you like," sighed Leland. "I'll just leave the cell door unlocked."
Harley didn't wait for the others – she raced out of the room, running down the cell block and shoving open the door to the jail, basking in the morning sunshine. She smiled, closing her eyes, breathing in deeply, and relishing her freedom. And then she opened her eyes and smiled again.
A familiar figure was standing in front of the jail, leaning against his stolen car and smoking a cigarette. "Jack!" shrieked Harley, running towards him. He chuckled, holding open his arms, and Harley leapt into them, kissing him passionately.
"Miss me, kiddo?" he murmured.
"Uh huh," she purred, hugging him. And then her smile fell when she caught a glimpse of his face, littered with cuts and bruises. "Jack, what happened?" she asked.
"Oh, that," he said, shrugging. "A little police brutality by some rookie do-gooder who didn't know what's what and how things work in this town. Nothing to worry about."
"It looks awful!" cried Harley. "Who was he? I gotta make him pay for wounding you, just like I promised," she murmured, kissing his cheek. "Nobody hurts my puddin' and lives."
"Nah, don't worry about it, kid," he chuckled. "You don't wanna mess with this guy. It's funnier just to let him stew in his own juices, as he realizes how truly powerless he is. How for once, all his millions of dollars can't buy away all his problems. Must be a new experience for him," he laughed.
"He's not the only one who had a new experience," agreed Harley. "I'd never been arrested before, puddin'. Or spent the night in jail…"
"Aw, it wasn't so bad, was it, baby?" he asked, lifting her off her feet and placing her into the passenger seat of the car.
"Nah uh," she said. "The warden lady's nice."
"I hear that," said Jack, starting the car.
"Although I did miss you," continued Harley. "And there wasn't a lotta space so me and Ivy and Selina all had to share a cell. And the girls made me sleep on the floor."
"Did they?" said Jack, backing out into the streets of Gotham. "Well, the next time I see 'em, I'll have a little word. Nobody makes my doll sleep on the floor."
"They said…you'd never brought anybody else to Arkham before," said Harley.
"Nope," he agreed. "Well, you've seen the risk in bringing strangers!" he chuckled. "That can lead to short-term prison sentences!"
"But you brought me," said Harley. "You trusted me."
He shrugged. "Well, yeah. Like I said, kid, sometimes it just hits you. I knew from the first moment I looked in your eyes that we shared the same kinda passion. Except yours was being choked and stifled in that terrible job. You woulda lost your spark of madness if you'd stayed there any longer. Couldn't have let that happen, baby. Not when it's so rare."
"The girls…also said it's crazy for me to…love you the way I do," she murmured. "Y'know, to think that our love's perfect, and that you're perfect…"
"Of course it's crazy," he replied, nodding. "That's how you know it's worthwhile. Every great thing that's happened in my life has been because of something crazy, toots. Quitting my job to become a criminal – that was crazy. Going into bootlegging and bank robbery – crazy. Meeting a hot little waitress at a diner and taking her home that night – crazy. But all of those things have brought me a lotta happiness. So don't you worry if something seems crazy. That's how you know it's real."
Harley beamed, kissing him. "Let's go home and get a shower," she said. "I need one after being in prison, and you need to wash the blood off your face."
"Mmm, I got a better idea, baby," he murmured, grinning. "How about a bath instead?"
"Puddin', this is so naughty!" giggled Harley, as she sat waiting naked in the bathtub later while Jack poured bottle after bottle of champagne into it. "That's gotta be like ten thousand dollars worth of hooch, and we're bathing in it!"
"Yeah, but it's something I've always wanted to do," he chuckled, stripping off his clothes and joining her in the bath. "Really bubbly though, ain't it? It's like being at one of those fancy saunas with the hot tubs! Except it ain't hot, of course."
"I can't believe we're doing this!" giggled Harley. "It's crazy!"
"And what have I told you about crazy?" he murmured, pulling her into his arms.
Their kiss was interrupted by the ringing of a telephone. "I'll get it," said Jack, drawing away reluctantly. "You stay here just like that," he said, reaching for a towel. "My boozy bathing beauty!"
"Can't I get it?" asked Harley. "I've never answered a telephone before."
"It ain't that glamorous, kid," he chuckled. "But sure, knock yourself out!"
Harley grabbed a towel and then skipped into the other room. "Just pick up this receiver bit here and say hello into this part," instructed Jack.
Harley giggled, picking up the receiver. "Hello?" she said.
"Oh…hello, Miss Quinzel?" said a familiar voice.
"Yep, that's me!" said Harley.
"It's Jervis Tetch – could I possibly speak to Mr. Napier, my dear?"
"Wait, wait, wait," said Crane's voice from the other end, grabbing the phone from Tetch. "My dear Miss Quinzel, are you all right? I heard there was a raid on the club last night, and while I'm very grateful I left when I did, I was dreadfully worried about you."
"You are such a sweetheart, Professor Crane, but I'm fine," said Harley. "Feel a little dirty from being in jail, but…puddin' and me are washing that all off now!" she giggled.
"Mmm, my doll sure likes being dirty though," murmured Jack, kissing her.
"Puddin'…stop it! Not while I'm on the telephone!" giggled Harley. "Puddin', no! You'll have to excuse me, Professor Crane, but Jack's having a hard time keeping his hands to himself! I'm gonna give the telephone to him so he'll have something to occupy his hands with."
"Yeah, get back in the booze bath and wait for Daddy, baby!" chuckled Jack, taking the receiver from her and giving her a playful spank as she skipped off. "Hi, Johnny!" he said, cheerfully.
"I don't want to talk to you – Jervis does," snapped Crane, handing the receiver back to Tetch.
"Mr. Napier, you are cordially invited to the Mad Hatter's Tea Party," said Tetch. "It's time for tea."
"Oooh, great news!" said Jack, reaching for a pen. "What time you want me to collect it?"
"Ten o'clock at the factory. The usual arrangements have been made for the transportation of the tea. And as usual, our collective cut will be seventy percent."
"Gotcha, Hatty, say no more," said Jack. "Looking forward to the party!" he chuckled.
"What did Jervis want?" asked Harley as Jack returned to the bathroom.
"To tell me it's time for tea," said Jack, climbing back into the bath.
"What does that mean?" asked Harley, puzzled
"It means the moonshine is ready," chuckled Jack. "Little code we got going on. I gotta pick it up at ten tonight."
"Can I come?" asked Harley.
"Dunno why you'd want to – it's real boring," said Jack. "We load it all onto the truck they got, then I take the truck around town dropping off the booze and collecting the money."
"So you'll be out all night?" asked Harley, frowning.
"Aw, cheer up, baby!" he chuckled, kissing her nose. "If I wanna keep giving my doll champagne baths, I gotta earn a living. These don't come cheap, y'know! But we'll make up for lost time when I get back. And right now," he added, pressing her down in the bath. "Gotta get you nice and dirty so it'll be worth you getting a champagne bath, after all. Wouldn't wanna waste all that valuable alcohol!"
Harley giggled, pulling him down on top of her. Life simply couldn't get any better than this.
…
Oswald Cobblepot had been working all afternoon to undo the damage to the Arkham Club caused by the raid so that it would be up and running that evening. The sun had just set and he was prepared to tell Bane to let the customers in, looking around proudly at his handiwork and pleased that he wouldn't be losing another night of business. He had just picked up the telephone behind the bar to ask Ivy to come in to perform (he was understandably angry at Selina for the Bruce Wayne incident, and for being late), when he was suddenly knocked to the ground. Winded, he tried to struggle to his feet, but he was suddenly lifted off them, and pulled up to look into the angry eyes of a man in what appeared to be a bat costume.
"The alcohol you sell here – where does it come from?" growled the man in the bat costume.
"I don't know…what you're talking about!" gasped Cobblepot. "We don't sell alcohol…that's illegal..."
In response, the man in the bat costume grabbed a bottle off the bar, smashing it open and holding the broken shards against Cobblepot's face. "Smells like alcohol to me!" the man hissed. "Who supplies it? Tell me!"
"Jack…Jack Napier supplies it," gasped Cobblepot, feeling the shards of the broken bottle nicking his skin and terrified as to what the lunatic in the bat costume might do. "He gets it from Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch – they brew it!"
"Where do they brew it?" demanded the man in the bat costume, pressing the bottle in slightly further.
Cobblepot hissed in pain. "They…they own a factory just outside of town."
"The name!" demanded the man in the bat costume.
"Ace!" squawked Cobblepot. "Ace Chemicals!"
He was dumped to the ground suddenly, and when he regained his feet, the man in the bat costume was gone.
"Bane!" roared Cobblepot, storming out of the bar area and over to the door.
"Si, Señor Cobblepot?" asked Bane.
"Don't you Señor Cobblepot me!" roared Cobblepot. "Why did you let that maniac in the bat costume in?!"
Bane looked at him in puzzlement. "I do not understand…"
"He was just here!" shouted Cobblepot. "He threatened me! Why would you let a lunatic like that in?!"
"I have not let anyone in the club yet, Señor Cobblepot," replied Bane.
"Well, if you didn't let him in, how did he get in?" demanded Cobblepot.
"I do not know, Señor," replied Bane. "I saw no one."
"Well, I didn't imagine him!" shouted Cobblepot.
"Of course not, Señor," said Bane, nodding. "But you have had a long day setting up the club again – perhaps you should take the night off this evening and get some rest. You look unwell."
"I look unwell because a crazy man in a bat costume just broke in here somehow and threatened me with a broken bottle!" shouted Cobblepot. "See that he doesn't get in here again, or you're fired!"
Cobblepot stormed off, massaging his neck. "What kind of idiot would decide to dress up in a bat costume, I ask you?" he muttered. "Just asking for trouble. I hope he finds it at Ace."