There's nothing better than having a secret you enjoy. A secret you get to turn to when you feel like escaping the harsh reality of having a mother whose expectations you'll never be able to live up to. A secret that could make the inadequacy you felt at being blind and disabled go away in favor of better emotions, emotions that make you feel alive and tingling with the sensation that everything will be fine. A secret that fills a hole, a void you never knew you even had or thought it was possible to have.

Gamzee Makara was my secret.

It must seem so odd that someone I felt such dark emotions for could make me feel so light, and I definitely didn't know it could happen, but it did.

My second sweep into high school was also my last sweep. Half the sweep would be spent with one set of a schedule, and then the second half would be the last half, and then I would be off to college. It was funny how life passed you so fast. As a wriggler, I always told myself I wanted to just grow up already so I can do all the things Latula was doing. I wanted to go out with friends and stay over their houses (which was rare for her, now that I think about it, since mother was so strict. I think the reality was that Latula just snuck out a lot, and I never noticed the difference). I wanted freedom and to leave without having mom's piercing stare follow every move I made, or hear her disapprovingly point out every mistake I made.

I dealt with it, though. I found my escape. I found my secret.

As a kid, I hadn't really known what was happening with me and what I was feeling for Gamzee. I didn't know at all. The closest thing to hate I'd ever felt was the anger that built up whenever mom belittled me and then made it seem like she was trying to help me in the long run. I absolutely hated that. Not her, but that. There is a fine line between constructive criticism and bullying, even if it is coming from an adult.

Anyways, after the incident with the umbrella, I made it my mission to seek out Gamzee more. If I knew for a fact that Karkat was going to be with us, I asked personally that he invited Makara, whether he already did or didn't. It was certainly puzzling to them both, given how I had straight up almost ignored him for two sweeps straight. This turn around must have been mind boggling, and I was confronted about it one day.

But not by my eventual-kismesis. I was graced with a loud questioning by Karkles himself. The three of us were at Karkat's hive. His dad wasn't home, which was probably a good thing because Mr. Vantas was a sweetheart and would probably faint if he ever heard how much his son cursed.

Alright so maybe not. Karkat wasn't the best at hiding his vulgar language, but I'm sure his father didn't approve of it at least. He gave sermons in the town square with Nepeta's mom. There was a running bet amongst us about when he would tell Karkat that he was probably banging her. Don't get me wrong, we all thought they were an adorable couple, but Karkat was as blind to it as.. well.. as me.

Ha. Self disability joke to make myself feel good. Funny right?

I'm just kidding. But I really do think they are cute together. And I really did have a bet placed on when Karkles would find out. He still saw them as just 'working together'. I had my money placed on the end of this sweep, hopefully in time for 12th Perigee's Eve.

While we were in his respiteblock, Karkat being on his bed and me laying on the floor, Gamzee decided to go use the bathroom. The very second he was out of hearing distance, Karkles decided to whisper, or rather talk at a normal volume instead of shouting.

"What's up with you?"

"What are you talking about?" I raised an eyebrow, sitting up.

"You haven't said more than ten fucking words to him since you've met and now all of a sudden you want to be his best buddy."

"First. No. That's a horrible concept I want no part of. His friendship." I shuddered at the thought.

"Then why have you been hanging out with him all of a sudden?" He had a suspicious tone to his voice, as he very well should have. But I wasn't going to tell him why.

"Why do you care?" Now that I thought about it, he was being a little too protective. My own suspicions were raised.

A moment of hesitation.

"I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

He stared me down. I could sense it. I pushed my shades up to the top of my head and stared back at him, or at least I hoped I was, with my bright eyes. He absolutely loathed when I did that.

I knew he turned his head away when I heard an angry grunt. With a grin on my face, I pushed the shades back down and laid back on the floor once more.

"So are you going to tell me why or not?"

More silence. I suddenly realized I could smell cherries.

Cherries. Red.

He was blushing.

Karkat was embarrassed.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

"You're in a quadrant with him."

More silence.

"Oh my gog, I'm right!"

He hissed at me.

"Keep your voice down! Yes, okay? Fuck."

The grin on my face widened and I cackled.

"Which one?"

I could just feel the annoyance rolling off of him, sarcasm on his tongue.

"Which do you think?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Fine Terezi. If you absolutely must fucking know, we are moirails."

I was quiet for a second, still grinning. Good for him.

"Good for you."

"What's good for my motherfuckin karbro?"

Gamzee took that moment to come back into the room, to which we went silent. I knew Karkat was glaring at me for putting him in this spot, but I just shrugged and smiled in amusement.

"Nothing. Let's continue with the movie."

And just like that, we went back to watching, or rather I was listening, to the romantic comedy Karkat had picked out. Well one of them. It was the third one today, really. We'd been here for the entire day. It was the weekend, no point in going back home to mom and suffering when I can just enjoy this. Even if Gamzee was here, it was my idea to tag along with them.

Although now it did make sense why they spent so much time together, now that I knew the true state of their relationship.

After the movie was over, I decided to head home. Yawning, I stood up and said my goodbyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school." I was really addressing Karkles, but you could imagine my surprise when, a few seconds after I stepped out the front door, I heard someone else behind me. And from the smell of purpleberry blast, it wasn't my short shouty friend.

"And what exactly are you doing?"

I could almost hear the smile in his voice when he responded.

"Just thought I would up and walk you home, sis."

"Don't."

"But I will."

It took a lot of my willpower not to growl at him, and I nearly succeeded, except he chose that moment to sling his arm around my shoulders.

You could imagine how well that went over with me. I grabbed his hand and forced his arm away. But instead of a normal reaction, like silence as he normally gave, I heard a chuckle instead. A goofy chuckle. And then the quietness I was accustomed to.

It was only when we reached the forest around my hive that I realized he'd been silent for the entire walk. He wasn't even humming like last time. Briefly, I wondered what was going through his mind, but I didn't have to wonder long because he decided to speak up.

"Why are you doing this?"

I really did have to stop walking in my tracks because I had no clue what he was talking about whatsoever.

"What?"

"Why?"

This was starting to irritate me.

"Why what? Be more specific."

He paused a second, as if deciding the right words.

"Why are you always around me now? I know it's not because you wanna up and be my friend or something like that. You're still just as distant, sis. So what's up with that? Why are you doing it?"

Oh. That's what he meant. I.. Did not know how to answer him. It wasn't an easy thing to admit, that I wanted to be around him as a way to spite my mother. Then it would no longer be my secret, my little escape.

But I also wasn't a liar. Well, what I did to my mom was extending the truth a bit.

"It's going to sound stupid. And I'd rather not embarrass myself in front of someone I don't even like."

"So you dislike me."

"No, really? What was your first clue, Troll Sherlock?" Even I could hear the sarcasm in that one, but instead of being hurt, I could have sworn I heard a grin in his next few words.

"Is there a motherfuckin reason why?"

That got me. I stayed quiet.

"Well sis?"

"Don't call me sis."

I felt him take a step closer to me. Automatically, I took a step back, face turning a bright shade of teal.

"Sis. Why don't you like me?"

Another step. Step back. Back hit the trunk of a tree.

"Because you're annoying as fuck."

"That the only reason?"

"No."

"Wanna tell me?"

"Not particularly."

He paused and I could feel the tips of his fingers slip off my shades, then his gaze.

"You know you're an asshole, right?"

I raised an eyebrow. What?

"What?"

"With the way you've been treating me since we were wrigglers. You're an asshole."

Okay so maybe I was. I just didn't like him. Okay?

Wait a minute. He insulted me.

Gamzee Makara just insulted me. Did that mean…?

"What are you trying to get at?"

"I don't motherfuckin like you either."

My eyes went wide, and before I could say something, he pressed his lips to mine.

There's nothing better than having a secret you enjoy, except maybe, sharing a secret with someone else.

So as it turned out, Gamzee had a caliginous crush on me just as I did for him. Only, he didn't let it be so obvious as I did. In fact, I would never have known if he hadn't kissed me.

But after that day, we both agreed it was best to keep it a secret. My mother would never let me out of the hive again if she ever knew, and there was no way to guarantee our friends would ever keep it to themselves. The hardest person to keep it from was probably Karkles, and that was because we hung out the most when he was around.

And we never hung out alone. That was one of our rules. We had a few, actually, to keep ourselves from getting caught.

Never hang out alone. We always needed to be around others.

Never tell anyone.

Nothing more than kissing.

It's funny now that I look back on those rules because we ended up breaking every single one of them by the end of the sweep. And we did get caught, yes.

But that was in the last few days of school, right before we graduated.

To be fair, it was our fault entirely. We hadn't been careful enough (right, because not following our rules would go so well for us).

A few days before the end of our last sweep of high school, we did what we normally do: hang out with Nubs.

Only, this time, we did something risky.

In the living room, we all crowded together on the couch and, like every time before that we've hung out, watched a romcom.

He didn't own much else in the area of cinema.

The movie sounded decent enough. We laughed when something funny happened, aw'd when it was called for. After the first half of the movie, I could hear Karkat sniffle and turned to look at him with a grin on my face. Apparently, Gamzee did the same (with his trademark smile of course) and that drove him to get, flip us the middle finger, and go to the bathroom.

Approximately five seconds passed with us just sitting there before I could sense him staring at me.

"What?" I frowned.

"Do you know what today is?"

Honestly, I hated when he did that. He always asked stupid questions that I had no answe- oh.

Oh. I do know what today is.

I'm.. actually surprised, really, that he knows. Today marked our blackversary. We'd been in a quadrant for half a sweep now.

Apparently he could tell that I did know from the look on my face because next thing I knew, our lips were locked and he was on top of me on the couch, biting my lip, then my neck. This was a dangerous game to play considering we had about two minutes before Karkles came back, but for that moment, all reason left my mind. Things always moved fast when we were together. My legs were around his waist and I could feel his lips at the base of my throat when he stopped.

I was breathing heavily by now and furrowed my eyebrows.

"Gamzee..?"

He paused and then bit me but I could tell he was nervous about something from how soft the bite was.

"I hate you."

My breath hitched in my throat. I knew I'd started to feel darker for him but we never moved past saying 'dislike'. Well, until now.

"...I hate you too." My lips were curled in a grin and I felt his lips do the same on my neck.

We stayed there for a second before the mood was shattered.

"What THE FUCK!"

Karkat was back. Time for an explanation.