5

Adventures in Parenting

A day after Ilyssa was born, the doctors and hospital staff pronounced her and Emma well enough to return home. "Are you sure you don't want me to come and stay for a few days?" Snow offered. "I can take time off, I have some vacation left, honey."

"No, Mom, that's okay. You might need that extra vacation when your baby's born," Emma said, trying not to sound nervous. "Bae and I have helped take care of Belle and Rumple's babies so we've got this."

"Okay, but you know you can call me on my cell if you need me."

"Bae, are you sure you'll be okay?" Belle asked him.

"We'll be fine, Mama. I've read the whole book What To Expect When Your Baby Comes Home ten times," Bae told her. "And if I need to ask a question I have yours, Papa's, and David's numbers."

"If you're sure," Belle said, recalling all her own mishaps with her own children. She had thanked God many times over for her husband's experience those first few months . . . and especially the first few weeks.

"Bae, if you have any questions—" Rumple began.

"I have you on speed dial, Papa. And you already taught me how to burp a baby, give it a bottle, and I've changed both Dylan and Daria." Bae reassured him. He was sure he was well prepared for anything Ilyssa threw at him.

Rumple was raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Dearie, you've watched your brother and sister for a few hours at a time, for a day or two a month since they've been born. And you think you're an expert?"

"I'm a quick learner," Bae said breezily. He wasn't nervous at all, he told himself.

Rumple exchanged glances with Belle. "If you say so," he said dryly, thinking his son had no clue what he was in for.

After they had buckled Ilyssa into her car seat and clipped it into its base in the Escape, with Henry next to her and all the paraphernalia and gifts they had gotten from the hospital staff and friends stowed in the trunk, the new family of four was on their way back to Fire Mountain—home again, home again, jiggety jig.

Page~*~*~*~Break

Two days later:

It seemed as though Emma had just fallen asleep at five o'clock in the morning when Ilyssa's shrill wail awoke her at seven AM. "Aww, kid, you just ate!" she groaned, and dragged herself out of bed to get her crying newborn, who slept in the bassinet beside their bed. Her husband was already downstairs doing katas, for some reason he was bright eyed and bushy tailed, probably because he hadn't gotten up two hours in a row to feed the baby, she thought irritably.

She took the nursing pillow and brought it into the living room, because she wanted a change of scenery and was sick of looking at the bedroom wall, and she wanted to support her back better while she nursed. She carried her wailing baby daughter into the living room, sat on the couch and with the nursing pillow to support her rather floppy newborn, unbuttoned her maternity pajama top to nurse.

The baby was crying so much, she was beet red and Emma rocked her and murmured, "Hey, swan chick, calm down. Look, breakfast is served. Or whatever this is. Maybe second breakfast, like with hobbits."

Ilyssa stopped wailing so much and began nuzzling and rooting, but for some reason refused to latch on. Emma jiggled herself and said, "C'mon kid, it's right here."

Ilyssa grizzled and nuzzled, but wouldn't suck.

Emma groaned. "Baby, the milk's right here, now why don't you drink?"

Her daughter began to cry again, frustrated.

Emma yawned, she felt like she needed an injection of caffeine right into her vein. "Henry!" she called to her son, who should have been getting up to go to school by now.

"Yeah, Ma?"

"You mind making me a cup of coffee?"

"Sure, gimme a sec."

She heard her son go into the kitchen and the soft gurgle of their iCoffee maker turn on to make a cup of joe. Soon the smell of fresh coffee permeated the air and Emma breathed it in, imagining drinking it, as she tried again to get her finicky newborn to nurse.

"Aww, c'mon, Ilyssa!" she moaned, offering the baby her breast again. "Your daddy likes it, kid, why don't you?"

Henry's jaw dropped open as he entered the living room with the coffee mug in his hand.

"Mom!"

"Huh?' Emma blinked fuzzily, then smiled at her son as the baby at last began drinking. "What'd I say?"

Her son went scarlet. "I'm not repeating it! TMI, Mom!"

Only then did Emma recall what she had been saying before Henry had come in. "Ummm . . ."

Her son put the coffee down on the table by her elbow and rushed from the room.

"Oh Lord! I think I scarred your poor brother for life!"

Page~*~*~*~*~Break

A week later:

Bae rubbed his eyes for the fiftieth time, they were red rimmed, gritty, and sore from being awake for over twelve hours with a continually screaming baby that he couldn't seen to get to sleep no matter what he did. It was five in the morning and Bae thought he was going to pass out holding the redfaced little imp that had stolen away his daughter.

"Oh, baby girl, I love you to death, I really do, but please for the love of God, Jesus, the Holy Family and all the angels go to sleep!" he entreated.

His beloved baby girl kept bawling, a thin wail that echoed through the apartment like the screeching howl of a banshee.

Bae put his head in his hands. "Jesus H. Christ tonight! I'm gonna have a breakdown!" he said to his snoozing wife.

Emma was asleep after being up for over fourteen hours and had finally conked out when Bae had told her he would take it from here.

Bae had blithely assumed that Emma hadn't done everything to calm down his darling daughter, but after a full hour of doing everything the baby book recommended and he could think of, he was feeling ready to strangle something—either that or hit his head hard enough to knock himself out.

Ilyssa continued to compete for baby who can scream her lungs out the longest contest.

A desperate Bae grabbed his cell from the nightstand and punched in Rumple's number.

"Hello, Bae?" his father's voice sounded ungodly alert at this hour of the morning.

"Papa, I need you to come over right now."

"Why? What's the matter?"

"I can't get Ilyssa to stop crying and go to sleep. I've tried everything. Rocking, singing, humming, swaddling. I changed her, put her in a new onesie, Emma fed her before she conked out, played with her, bounced her, and she just keeps crying and I can't get her to sleep!"

There was an amused chuckle on the other end of the line. "Welcome to my world, dearie. I got almost no sleep for three months with the twins. Or with you when I got home. Alina was a bit easier, but she was the only one. And when she was teething I wanted to rip my own heart out and crush it."

"Papa, I haven't gotten any sleep in like twelve hours!" Bae said, panicked. "Isn't there some medicine you can give her? Like baby Nyquil?"

"What? Oh no, dearie, there isn't! You don't drug your infant, Baelfire."

"Then what do you do?"

"Learn how to go without sleep," his father said, smirking.

"Papa! You have magic . . .can you magic her to sleep?" his son begged. His head was lolling.

"No. I don't use magic on babies."

"What can I do? Surely it's not—normal for a baby to cry so long?"

"Have you taken her temperature? Is she running a fever?"

"Did that. She's not sick."

"All right. Try giving her a bottle of chamomile tea. That might help, she could be a wee bit colicky. If that doesn't work call me back."

Bae hung up, then put Ilyssa in her bassinet, and ran to the kitchen to make some chamomile tea.

When he'd gotten it cool enough, he put it in a bottle and tried to feed it to his sobbing baby. "Please, Ilyssa, don't make me check myself into an institution. I thought I'd have a few years yet before that."

The baby took the bottle, sucked experimentally, then spat it out.

Poor Bae was nodding over Ilyssa when Henry came in, and said, "Hey, Dad. Maybe if I read to her, she'd fall asleep?" He took out the Once Upon A Time book. "Okay, Ilyssa . . .this is the story of Captain Hook and how he stole away your grandma Milah . . ."

Ten minutes passed. Henry read on. Bae found himself dozing . . .until he realized that he couldn't hear Ilyssa crying. He jerked awake, and realized his daughter was quiet—for the first time in over five hours. He looked down . . . and saw she was sleeping, her eyes closed, and grunting a little in her sleep. "I don't believe it. She's asleep!" He stared at his son. "You did it, Henry!"

Henry grinned. "Works everytime. At least it did on me."

"Henry, you're a lifesaver," Bae breathed a sigh of relief.

Page~*~*~*~Break

Two weeks later:

"So how are you doing, Emma?" Snow asked on her second visit to her daughter's house since the baby had come home. She and David had thought it a good idea to give the new parents some space to get to know their daughter and bond with her.

"I'm good, Mom. We finally figured out how to get Ilyssa to sleep with the fairy tale book. Works like a charm." She smiled at her daughter, who was dozing in the infant seat.

"That's good. You know, if you need a break you can call me or your dad. We'd be happy to help."

"Thanks, Mom. Maybe I'll take you up on it sometime," Emma said softly. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate her mother's offer, but she felt that she should be able to take care of her own newborn. Plus Snow was also expecting and she recalled all too well how uncomfortable she was during the last two months of pregnancy. Then too, there was Regina to mind. Right now the little girl was in the den, watching TV.

Emma got up to make Snow a cup of tea to go with the small sandwichs and cookies she had Bae get at the store yesterday. Right then her husband was teaching a class. As she was pouring the water into the mugs, she felt her milk begin to let down again.

She glanced down . . .her shirt was wet.

"Aww, hells!" she scowled. "I feel like a leaky faucet."

Snow thought that she had missed the joys of nursing with Emma due to the curse. "Maybe you need to . . . err . . .save some?"

"Yeah, I'll need some for Bae tonight, so he can take his turn at the midnight feeding," her daughter said, then she went and got the breast pump.

Emma had almost filled one bottle halfway when Regina wandered into the kitchen looking for munchies. "Mommy, can I have—whoa! Emma, watcha doin'?"

Emma felt herself blush a little. She had forgotten Regina was there, otherwise she wouldn have gone and did this in her bedroom. "Umm . . .I'm putting milk in a bottle for Ilyssa."

Regina watched, fascinated. "What's that thing on you?"

"It's called a breast pump, honey," Snow said matter-of-factly. "And it helps Emma get milk to put in a bottle."

Regina frowned. "Thought ya gots milk from a store."

"For us you do, but Ilyssa's too little to drink normal milk. She needs mother's milk," Snow explained.

Regina watched for a few more minutes, then blurted, "So Emma, are ya like a cow now?"

Snow dissolved into giggles. "Oh . . .oh . . ."

Emma felt her face go red. "Gee, thanks, kid. First I'm the size of a house, now I'm a cow."

"Well, I saw on the 'scovery Channel an old guy milking a cow, and you said you're putting in milk for the baby so . . ."

"Never mind, kid. I get it. And just so you know—this bottle is so Bae can feed the baby when I'm sleeping, or in the shower, or whatever."

"Does it hurt?" she asked frankly.

"No . . .it kinda feels good."

"Mommy, will you milk yourself when our baby's born?"

Snow giggled. "Yes and it's called nursing, Regina. When a mom feeds a baby like that."

"Oh. What's it called when a daddy feeds the baby?"

"Naptime," Emma laughed.

About two hours later, while Snow was discussing possible names for the baby with Emma, Ilyssa woke up. Her grandma happily played and changed her then handed her to her mom to feed. While Emma nursed the baby, Regina eyed her curiously. Finally she burst out with, "Emma, am I gonna be able to do that when I'm bigger?"

"Yeah, once you're married and have a baby," her sister replied.

"Then why does some mommies give their babies bottles?"

"Umm . . .'cause some of them choose not to breastfeed," she replied. "Sometimes you can't or it doesn't feel good so you use a bottle with formula instead. But I could and your Aunt Belle could and it's usually better for the baby cause the milk we make is easy on a baby's stomach, they don't get sick from it that often and throw up and it has vitamins and nutrients the formula doesn't to keep a baby healthy."

"Really? Then maybe they oughta sell that milk at the store," the girl declared.

Emma had a sudden vision of the dairy aisle in the supermarket with cartons of breast milk next to the coconut, almond, and soy milk and cracked up. "Kid, you're something else!"

She was so amused at Regina's comment that she forgot to grab a burp cloth from the stack of them in the small bag on the couch. She put Ilyssa on her shoulder and explained to her small sister, "Now we have to burp the baby cause when she eats, she gets air in her tummy and if you don't burp her, she throws up."

"Why can't she burp her own self?"

"She's too little yet," Emma answered, patting her daughter's back.

Suddenly, there came a rather large belch, and just as she was about to praise the newborn, she felt something really wet slide down the back of her shirt. "Aww, crap! I forgot a cloth," the new mother groaned. "Umm . . . Regina, gimme a cloth from that bag and then tell me if I have spit up on me."

Regina did so, then when she went to put the cloth on Emma, squealed in disgust. "EWWW! Emma, she barfed on ya! It's all over—you, your butt, the couch . . .ewww!" Regina wrinkled her nose. "I thought ya said she didn't get sick!"

"She's not, kid, but maybe she drank too much too fast," Emma sighed.

"Mommy, Ilyssa barfed all over!" Regina hollered, running into the kitchen.

"It was my fault," Emma said when Snow appeared. "Forgot my cloth . . .umm can you hold her while I go get changed?" She handed Snow the baby.

"Sure, sweetie," Snow took the baby while Emma went to change for the fourth time that day. While she did so, Snow bent down to tickle and kiss her granddaughter. She kissed the baby on the nose, just as Regina said, "Eww Mommy, she's got potty mouth!"

Page~*~*~*~Break

A month later:

Bae thought he was finally getting the hang of being a dad. It had taken awhile, for both him and Emma, to get his daughter on a schedule of sorts, because Ilyssa still didn't sleep through the night, but after many false starts, they had finally come up with something they could live with on a daily basis. He loved the quiet times with his baby, just watching her sleep against him, or lying in her cradle, with her fist in her mouth, sucking peacefully. He thought his baby was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him besides marrying Emma, and was astonished at how quickly she grew and learned things.

She now responded to his and Emma's voices, and also her grandparents', Regina and Henry. She would gurgle and coo upon seeing them, and wave her fists happily. "I feel like a rock star," he joked one day to Emma. "She's like a groupie, always happy to see me."

"I'm always happy to see you too, Bae. Because then I can get some sleep," his wife grinned.

One of his favorite things to do was to give Ilyssa a bath. He loved playing with her in the warm sudsy water, splashing and singing silly songs to her while he washed her. "A peanut sat on a railroad track . . .his heart was all aflutter . . ."

He helped the baby splash, getting water all over the counter, the floor, and himself.

" . . .along came the three-fifteen . . ." he grabbed a rubber duck and squirted the baby with it. " . . .toot toot! . . ." Ilyssa squeaked and splashed him. "Peanut butter! Yay!" he clapped his hands. "You don't know about peanut butter yet, babydoll, but I know you're gonna love it. 'Specially on Oreos, like your daddy." He tickled her under the chin.

"You also like making a flood all over," Rumple observed, coming into the kitchen. "Used to do that a lot back in our cottage whenever you took a bath."

He gestured to the floor, which was full of puddles.

"Hey, Papa. I'll clean it up, don't have a cow." Bae threw a towel down and mopped up the water quickly with a foot. "Okay, princess, time to come out," he cooed to the baby and lifted her from the sink and wrapped her in one of her soft terry towels with her name on it. He turned around, holding the baby against him and said, "See, Papa, I have it all under control."

Rumple smirked. "Don't be so sure. Better put a diaper on her."

"Don't worry, Papa. She's fine, I changed her before I gave her a bath, and all I have to do is walk over by the couch. Two minutes. Piece of cake," his son said breezily.

"You should have the diaper on the counter so you can put it on her right after you dry her," Rumple advised.

"We're good, right babydoll? Your grandpa's worrying over nothing."

He began to walk over to the couch, still holding the baby against him in the towel.

"Bae, I'm telling you—"

"Papa, relax. I've got—aww shit!"

He felt something warm and wet suddenly gush out—all over his shirt, his jeans, and the floor.

He gaped at his daughter. "She peed on me . . . and the floor . . . holy hells . . . I don't believe this . . .!"

Rumple burst out laughing.

"You look like something the cat dragged in, dearie!"

"Aww, quit laughing! It's so not funny!" his son groused.

"I beg to differ. It's so hilarious!" his father chortled, going off into gales of laughter again. "Maybe next time you'll listen when I tell you something, Baelfire." He wagged a teasing finger at his son, still cracking up.

Bae rolled his eyes. "I'm thirty and he can still make me feel like I'm three! Okay, Papa . . .you were right. Now can you please help me out?"

His eyes twinkling, Rumple waved a hand and a diaper and onesie appeared on Ilyssa. "C'mere, mo cridhe," he crooned. "Come to Grandpa and let your know-it-all papa get changed." He took Ilyssa and snuggled her against him.

"Papa, can't you just . . ." Bae gestured at his urine-soaked self.

"You were saying?" Rumple said pointedly.

"Never mind!" his son snorted and stalked away to get changed.

Rumple gestured and the floor was cleaned. Then he turned back to his granddaughter and began rocking her, singing a lullaby in his melodic voice. Alyssa yawned and cooed, resting her downy head on his shoulder.

Bae returned a few minutes later and eyed his now slumbering daughter and said, "Yeah, now she sleeps."

"Next time, Bae, do yourself a favor and take our advice," Rumple told him.

Bae resolved to do just that.

A few days later, Emma decided to have a girls day out with Snow, Belle, the twins, Alina, and Regina, leaving Ilyssa home with Bae and Rumple at the shop with Jimmy. At first the morning went well. The baby was happy and Bae fed her, changed her, and played with her on the playmat. Then he put her in her swing to nap, she liked the rocking motion, while he went to do some laundry. She slept for several hours, allowing her father to shower, shave, and eat something for lunch.

As he was setting the dirty dishes in the sink, he heard Ilyssa wailing.

"Coming, chicklet!" he called.

When he went to take his daughter out of the swing, the most ungodly stench hit his nostrils. "Jesus H. Christ!" he muttered. Her diaper was sagging, plainly loaded, and the smell . . .

He didn't know exactly what to do, fearing that when he changed her, it would get everywhere. And Emma, who normally handled things like this, wasn't home. Neither were Belle or Rumple. Or Snow. Meanwhile, Ilyssa was screaming.

"Okay, okay! Hang on . . .lemme call David!" He yanked his cell out of his pocket and punched in the Nolans' number. "David, hi! It's Bae . . . umm . . . I kinda have a problem here . . .and I was wondering if you could help me out . . ." He explained the situation. " . . .okay . . .and Mr. Sprat ought know, right, I mean he's got six kids . . .so . . .okay, I've got this. Thanks!"

He wiped sweat from his brow in relief. At least Emma wouldn't come home and find the apartment a wreck from this really bad diaper. He picked up Ilyssa. "Hey, babydoll, lemme get some noseplugs and then we're in business . . ."

He walked over to the kitchen sink, turned on the faucet, making sure it was lukewarm, and then pulled out the sprayer. After removing the diaper, with some tongs and throwing it into a trash bag, he said to his daughter, "Ilyssa, we're gonna take a shower!" and hosed off the baby with the warm water.

Luckily Ilyssa didn't seem to mind and her father grinned and said, "See? That wasn't so bad. I'm so glad I called David. Now maybe Papa will see that I can actually follow advice, right baby doll?" He dried the infant off with a towel and then, recalling what had happened last time, made sure to put her diaper on before bringing her into her room to dress her.

When Emma came home from shopping, she felt rather tired, but told Bae she was having the family come over for dinner. "I'm making spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread and salad."

"Sounds good to me, Mom," Henry said. "You want me to help?"

"Sure, kid. You do the bread," she indicated the packages of garlic bread. Then she looked at Bae. "So how was the swan chick for you today? She pee on you again?"

Bae shook his head, looking very proud of himself. "Nope. And I had to change a really bad diaper today. It was like a stink bomb had exploded."

"I've done that," Emma said, thinking, wow, he thinks that's a big deal? She went to fill up the pot of water and saw dirty dishes still in the sink. "Bae, what the heck? You forget to wash the dishes?"

"Um . . .I was really busy . . .you know with the baby and everything . . ."

Emma rolled her eyes and washed the dishes in the sink and set them to dry. Then she filled up the pot of water and set it on the stove, turned on the oven, and got another pot to put the sauce in. She quickly made the meatballs and put them in the pot of sauce, adding some more water and spices and then simmering it.

"Bae, set the table please." She requested.

Her husband went and got the two dishes she'd washed and put them at their usual places. Then he went and got the rest from the cabinet. Henry finished fixing the garlic bread and then Emma cooked the pasta, and slid the garlic bread into the oven.

While that was cooking, Bae made a salad. As he set the salad on the table and the Parmesan cheese, he said, "So, aren't you gonna ask me how I handled it?"

Emma drained the pasta. "Handled what?"

"You know . . .the exploded diaper."

"I think I know, hon," she chuckled. She stirred the meatballs and sauce, then put them in a bowl and drained the pasta, adding the remaining sauce to it.

Henry cut up the garlic bread.

"Mom, I think I hear Ilyssa," her son said.

"She's asleep in the bassinet in the den," Bae told his son, as he got the pitcher of iced tea and one of lemonade from the fridge.

As Henry brought the baby into the kitchen, Bae got a call from Rumple, saying they were almost there. At the same time, Emma got a text from Snow telling her they were also.

"Hey, baby girl," Emma said, taking Ilyssa from Henry and kissing her. "Were you good for Daddy?"

The baby cooed and tried to grab Emma's hair.

"Oh no! No pulling Mommy's hair," she laughed. "Bae, will you serve me and you while I feed her?" Emma asked. But Ilyssa wasn't really hungry, and only nursed awhile before refusing. So Emma put her in the infant seat while they ate.

As she sat down to inhale the delicious aroma of spaghetti and meatballs on her plate, she finally took the bait and asked, "So, what did you do? Since I know you've never changed her diaper when she's like that before."

Bae said, "Well, I didn't know exactly what to do, so I called your dad up on the phone to ask his advice since everyone else wasn't home or working. David tells me that I should take off the diaper and use the sprayer in the kitchen sink to hose her butt off, so I did and it worked great! No problem!" He was beaming like he'd won the Nobel Prize.

Emma digested this. "Really? That's what you're so proud about?"

"Uh huh. I didn't have any disgusting mess to clean up either. I just rinsed her off and dried her and put her new diaper on and she was fine."

"In the sink," his wife repeated, something just now dawning on her. When she had come home there had been dishes in the sink. "Umm . . .Baelfire, you did take the dishes out before you . . .washed Ilyssa down, right?"

"Oh, don't worry, Em. I didn't put her in the sink," he reassured her. "Just held her over it while I rinsed her off."

Emma was about to take a forkful of her spaghetti when she dropped the fork with a clatter. "Wait a minute. Back up. You rinsed her off . . . with the dishes in the sink?"

"Umm . . .yeah, I didn't want to make her sit there while I washed them," her husband replied, unfazed.

"The dishes I saw in the sink when I came home?" she gasped. "Those dishes?"

"Yeah, but you washed them, right? They looked clean to me so I put them on the table. Why?"

Emma's eyes bugged out. "Oh . . .my . . .God, Baelfire! Where are they?"

"Umm . . . here . . ." he indicated his plate and hers. "We're eating off them."

"What?!"

"Emma, you washed them."

"Dad! Gross!" Henry shouted, looking ill.

She put a hand to her head in disbelief. She couldn't believe this was happening. Calgon, take me away! She wailed silently.

"Bae! I'm eating dinner off of plates that you rinsed poop onto!?" Emma cried in horror.

"Bae! Wherever did you get such an insane idea?" Rumple cried as he walked in the door carrying a bottle of wine. He could hardly believe his ears.

"Well, you were busy at the shop, so I called David and asked what to do," his son began defensively.

Emma gaped at him. "My dad told you to hose the baby down over the sink?"

"Well, yeah. He asked Mr. Sprat in the apartment downstairs, since he's got six kids." Bae explained. "And I thought it worked great."

David and Snow came in, followed by Regina, then Belle carrying her son, then Alina with her sister Daria, and Jimmy bringing up the rear with a bakery box. "Hey, we brought crumb cake, guys!"

Emma spun on David. "Dad! How could you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Tell my brilliant son to rinse the baby's bottom over a sink full of dishes, dearie," Rumple informed him, shaking his head.

"WHAT?" everyone chorused, gaping like landed fish, eyes wide as saucers.

"You did that over a sink full of dishes?" David stammered.

"Well, you said to use the sprayer. And there's only one here, in the kitchen sink," his son-in-law defended.

"Who would do it over the dishes?" David gasped.

"And he didn't tell me and I washed them really quick and then . . .he put them on the table—right here—and I put my dinner on them!" Emma wailed. "Somebody shoot me now!"

Hearing the distress in her mom's tone, the baby began to cry.

Snow patted her shoulder. "Emma, just sit there, sweetie. I'm going to fix this." She took Emma's plate and Bae's plate and scraped them into the garbage, then put the dishes in the dishwasher, got new ones and set them down. "Were those the only dishes in the sink? Or do I need to wash these other ones with bleach?"

"No. I only had two for lunch before . . . that happened," Bae said, utterly flabbergasted. "But Emma washed them, Snow. Before I set the table."

"Baelfire!" Belle stared at him in horror.

"Bae, you need help!" Alina cried. "Like therapy with Dr. Hopper."

Regina wrinkled her nose fastidiously at her plate. "Eww! I ain't eatin' offa no plate with poop on it, Daddy!"

"Mommy took care of that, princess," David hastened to reassure her. "These plates are clean. Right, Bae?"

"Yes, you'd think I served you hemlock," he muttered, feeling put upon.

Emma grumbled under her breath about ecoli and thought she was lucky she still had an appetite. "Okay, everybody, let's eat before it gets cold."

As they all sat down, Regina shook her little finger at Bae and said, "Yeah, an' next time don't throw a poopy diaper in the sink with your dishes, Bae! 'sgusting!"

Bae put his hand over his face. "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"

"Nope," Alina said cheerfully. "We'll be telling your grandkids about this one. Along with lighting the forest on fire and Henry lighting the dojo on fire."

Jimmy gaped at them. "Whoa! And I thought I was bad!"

Henry looked at his uncle. "What did you light on fire, Jimmy?"

"Nothing! But I did put a hole in my dad's dinghy by mistake when I went to toss the anchor overboard once and missed," the former pirate said ruefully. "Ended up holystoning the deck and manning the bilge for two weeks for that one." Then he added, "And if you think what Bae did was bad, you oughta be glad you never met our ship's cook. Once he gave us soup that he cooked while his nose was dripping and a dead rat was floating in it."

"Aww, gross, Jimmy!" Alina groaned.

"Just saying. Could be worse."

"I don't want to know," Belle said.

"God help us all," Rumple said fervently. He looked at his twins, his niece, and his granddaughter. "Heaven only knows what these four will do!"

"If they're anything like their parents, we'll be lucky Storybrooke's still standing by the time they're grown up," Belle joked.

"Don't jinx us, dearie!" Rumple prayed. By the time Regina, Daria, Dylan, Ilyssa, and the Nolan's baby were grown his hair was going to be white as the driven snow.

A/N: well hope you all had a good laugh over the new parenting mistakes . . .because I did writing them . . .and some of them were real things people I know actually did, but only I know which ones were real!

Next: Baby's first day out with Mommy . . .and Aunt Regina. And Jimmy babysits Ilyssa for the first time, with Alina and Regina helping . . .