Note: Yay! My favourite chapter so far! (Actually, I only have two chapters so far...oh well.) PeregrinTook1390 (I hope you decided to keep reading this), yes, Pippin is the smallest to begin with, but he and Merry drink Ent draught and get to be two of the tallest hobbits since old Bullroarer Took. I can't remember how tall they were exactly, although I think it said in the movie (I don't watch the movie often enough). In fact, I had to guess the height of every fellowship member because the only one with his height listed on LOTR wiki was Aragorn...it said he was 6'6"(!) and I'm seriously doubting the reliability of their information.

Chapter 2: Policy

Lord Sauron paced the flagstones of his tower. (Being a villain, pacing flagstones came naturally to him.) Now that he had recovered his Ring of Power he had reassumed his natural shape as a tall dark Lord in armour, which was much more comfortable than being an eye stuck up on top of a tower. Being an eye had been rather useful, however. He had at least been able to watch events, while now he could only pace about in his tower, frowning at the floor and waiting for his minions to let him know what was going on.

Sauron spun around as the door opened and his lieutenant, the Witch King of Angmar, entered.

"Where is it?"

"I couldn't find it," said the Witch King.

"What? Did you search her?"

"Of course," said the Witch King.

"What about her luggage?"

"I searched that, too—all five suitcases and three shoulder bags…plus a purse. The purse took the longest."

"And you didn't find it?"

"No. I found a lot of jewellery. I even found her wedding ring, if you want that."

"I don't want jewellery."

"But you're so fond of it!"

The Witch King quickly wiped the silly smile from his face as Sauron shot him a black look. The master was obviously not in a joking mood.

"She must have it!" said Sauron. "She wouldn't have left it behind." He mused for a moment. "Some say that she can turn it invisible."

"Maybe so, but that wouldn't have helped her much since I can't see anyway," said the Witch King.

The Mouth emerged from a cubicle in the corner. He had been relegated to a desk job ever since the embarrassing debacle at the Black Gate and now he was anxious to reinstate himself in Sauron's good graces.

"She could be made to talk," he said hopefully. "Shall I go up and interrogate her, my lord?"

"What's the good of that?" said Sauron. "I gave her a good grilling when I first brought her here. She wouldn't answer any of my questions and she completely creeped me out. No, I'll just have to search her stuff myself. I can't depend on anyone else."

"You probably won't find it, either," said the Witch King. "Just look how long it took you to find your own Ring."

"That wasn't my fault!" stormed Sauron. "I would have found it much sooner if I had only had some decent help. I'm surrounded by incapacity. Yes, you and your nazgul got my Ring back for me, but only after I had already found it. And where was it? Inside Mount Doom—about to be destroyed. And then the lot of you were so excited about getting it back that you let the little creep who stole it slip through your fingers—not for the first time, either, I may add."

"Well, if you recall, I wasn't there," said the Witch King. "I was dead. And I could protest about having had to die so many times when an ordinary mortal usually only dies once."

"That was your fault," said Sauron. "You were supposed to be invincible. You were this amazing person who was going to lead my army to triumph and glory and what happened? You got stabbed by a woman and a halfling. A fine sort of ending!"

The Mouth snickered.

"And you," said Sauron, turning on him, "got your head hacked off by a scruffy ranger!"

The Mouth's bright smile disappeared.

"I wouldn't have bothered bringing the two of you back to life, if I'd been able to get anyone better," Sauron went on.

"Well, why didn't you bring Saruman back to life, then?" asked the Witch King.

"I thought about it, but by the time I got my Ring back he'd already been dead for awhile. Besides, he tried to double-cross me and I couldn't trust him anymore. It doesn't matter. He was a bungler too. You're all bunglers. Isn't there anyone around here who can get things done besides me?"

There was a tentative cough from behind him. Lord Sauron (he was in the habit of spinning, having been a round object for so long) spun around. Lord Celeborn stood in the doorway.

"I hope I'm not intruding," he said.

"Who let you out of your cell?" demanded Lord Sauron.

"He did," said Celeborn, pointing to the Witch King.

"What!" said the Witch King.

"At least, he unobservantly allowed me to steal the key long enough to make an impression from which I created a duplicate." Lord Celeborn held up a key between his thumb and forefinger.

"How dare you!" cried Sauron, turning on the Witch King. "Take him back to his cell at once!"

"But your lordship," protested Celeborn, "I was not going to escape. I only wanted to speak to you about something."

Lord Sauron, though he didn't like elves, did have a sense of curiosity. "What about?" he asked.

"About Lady Galadriel. She protests the search and seizure of her property."

"But I didn't take anything," said the Witch King.

"Search and meditated seizure," Celeborn amended. "And she would also like the temperature on her cell thermostat lowered."

"You may tell your lady from me," said Sauron, "that until I find that ring of hers, her life is only going to get unpleasanter."

"But your lordship, she is already undergoing considerable trauma, having been dragged unwillingly from her home and then having all her beloved Mallyrn trees chopped down. She was so fond of those. Consider, your lordship, what she must be going through."

"Why didn't she complain when I spoke to her earlier?" asked Sauron.

"She tried to, your lordship. She attempted to communicate telepathically, but apparently you are not receptive to telecommunication."

"She's ready to talk now, is she?"

"No, she'd rather not see you at present. She says the sight of you disturbs her." Lord Celeborn said this with an apologetic bow.

"I will disturb her a great deal more before I've finished," said Sauron. He strode towards the doorway but stopped as he reached it because Lord Celeborn was still blocking it.

"I would not consider such action advisable, my lord," said Celeborn.

"Why not?"

"I greatly fear such a step would anger the opposition."

Lord Sauron appeared to smoulder inside his armour. "What opposition? I've cleaned up all resistance in Middle Earth."

"Well, there is still the fellowship, you know. Gandalf and Gimli are both strong supporters of Lady Galadriel."

"They are defunct."

"At present, yes. But it would be wise not to anger them. After all, you want them running for their lives, not starting a revolution. As long as they're simply afraid of you, they won't do anything, but if you make them angry, they might."

"What could they possibly do?" demanded Sauron.

"Well, Gandalf controls the wizards' vote—a very powerful sect, you know—and Gimli could rouse the dwarves, and they're so nice and peaceful just now. You wouldn't want to be fighting a war on two fronts while you're still trying to deal with Harad, now would you?"

"Why should you care?" asked the Witch King. "Where do you come into this?"

Celeborn looked modest. "I am only her ladyship's spokesman," he said. "Whatever you choose to do, my position can hardly be affected. But if my advice can be of any use to you, you're welcome to it."

"I don't need your advice," said Sauron. "Your attempts at intimidating me are useless. I have the Ring of Power, don't I? No one can stand against me."

"True, my lord," said Celeborn. "But remember that Gandalf is one of the Istari. When he lived in Valinor he was a Maia. If he were able to return to Valinor—yes, I know you closed down the Grey Havens, but just supposing he were able to find a boat somewhere—he might convince the Valar to interpose on Middle Earth's behalf again. You remember what they did to Beleriand when they went to war against Morgoth."

Sauron looked slightly disturbed.

"…And what they did to Numenor when the Numenoreans tried to enter Valinor. You wouldn't want them doing something like that to your nice, new kingdom, would you?"

"What do you suggest, then?" asked Sauron.

"That for the time being you humour her ladyship," said Celeborn. "Keep her in a good mood and wait for her to let down her guard."

"But she's a prisoner! How am I supposed to keep her in a good mood?"

"Oh, she will be very happy here, I'm sure," said Celeborn. "She was remarking only this morning how much she likes stone floors. Why not give her something to do? It would take her mind off being a prisoner and she dearly loves to be busy."

"Give her something to do?" said Sauron.

"Well, why not make her your secretary? She wouldn't have any difficulties learning Black Speech, I'm sure—she's very talented with languages. And her handwriting is beautiful."

Sauron considered for a moment.

"And she would brighten up your office considerably, too," added Celeborn, glancing around the room.

"That's not a bad idea," said Sauron.

"It would improve your public relations immensely," said Celeborn.

"Yes," said Sauron. "And I'm in need of a charismatic blonde for a receptionist, too. The Mouth turns a lot of people off."

"Oh, she'd love that job," said Celeborn. "She's such a people person."

"Actually," said Sauron, "I was referring to you."