It only took another day of dirty looks and whispered insults for me to ask Tomi if I could stay in his room until we got to the Fire Nation. Sitting in his room and watching him as he filled out reports, I felt safer than I had since my mother was alive. In my village, I was constantly on edge avoiding soldiers, scraping money together for taxes, or trying to ignore the coldness from the other villagers because of my father. Tomi, being something of a dangerous rarity in the eyes of the Fire Nation, really understood how I felt. We'd hole up in his room and talk for hours, mostly about our childhoods. It seemed I'd thought up the perfect cover story because most of my childhood actually fit with how a bastard of the Fire Nation would be treated. The soldiers despised me, the villagers ostracized me, and my skills were often disregarded because of the circumstances of my birth.
One night, he got very quiet and told me about growing up the homosexual son of a wealthy nobleman, the endless "lessons" from his father about how a man should act, the brutal training sessions in swordplay and bending. I stayed silent, offering my support, but I knew I could never fully understand. I expected him to tell me about Nobu, but he never did. I was terribly curious, but I had to understand that for the two of them, their love was a matter of life or death. In the Fire Nation, for nobles especially, the greatest honor was in obeying your family, making firebender babies, and following the orders of the Fire Lord. I could tell he wanted to do all those things, he wanted to be a good son and bring honor to his family, but it just wasn't who he was. He loved Nobu, and I felt so sorry for him for what he had to do. It filled me with fresh anger for the Fire Nation. Tomi was a good man, one who wanted nothing more than to be with the person he loved. "The Fire Nation deserves to lose this war," I growled.
He raised wide, frightened eyes to mine. "You can't say things like that! If anyone else heard you, you'd be killed."
"I know, I know. I just can't believe how evil they are."
"Hey, not everyone is like that, and don't forget you're a citizen, too. I know our experiences haven't been the best, but I've met good people in the Fire Nation. They're who I wear the uniform for, not the noblemen."
"Then why is it the evil ones and the noblemen who always seem to benefit?" I thought of Kenshin raking in the profits from the occupation.
He stayed silent at that and I took a few breaths to calm down. "They're not all like that," he whispered again, his eyes trained on the gold bedspread.
Unbidden, Iroh's face swam in front of my eyes, followed swiftly by Zuko's. "No, maybe not," I said. I took a deep breath and steeled myself to ask the question I'd wanted to ask Tomi for a while. "Tomi, have you heard anything about Prince Zuko?"
He looked surprised at the change in subject, but said, "Last I heard, the princess was out looking for her brother. Reports say he and the general are still in the Earth Kingdom, but I haven't heard anything else."
"Have there been any sightings?"
"Not for a while. Why are you so interested?"
I tried to make my expression carefree. "What, a banished, fugitive prince isn't interesting?"
"I guess so, I'm just pretty sick of hearing about him. He was off the radar for a few years chasing after the Avatar, but when the airbender returned, Zuko was all we heard about until he went from banished to wanted."
"The Avatar still hasn't been caught?" I didn't try to keep the hope out of my voice and Tomi looked at me with a pained expression.
"No, but you'd better hope he is soon. The other kingdoms don't have the armies to defeat us; the only thing keeping them going is hope. They won't win, even with the Avatar; they'll just fight until they literally can't anymore. There have been too many lives lost in this war. On both sides."
Even after all he'd been through, Tomi was still so loyal. He knew the Fire Nation was hard in battle and he hated the nobles for their cruelty, but it was obvious he'd never been to the front, or even in the colonies. He went from secure port to secure port, never seeing the actual carnage wreaked on the regular citizens of the other nations. I knew, even if he didn't, that the bloodshed wouldn't stop if the Fire Nation won the war. I lost a little bit of the respect I had for Tomi then.
My blood ran with heat when I saw the edges of land outside the window. Tomi told me about the passes were going through and the islands we sailed past, but my ears were filled with a rushing noise and I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the churning of the waves against the shore. I'd never felt farther from my mother… I was sailing into the Fire Nation capital and I was glad. I'd learn firebending and I'd never be a victim again. When the land was close enough for me to see docks and buildings and streets bustling with people, Tomi said he had to leave.
"If you wait here, I can show you around after I'm finished unloading the cargo." He put his helmet on and turned to walk out the door, but I stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Thank you, Tomi, but I can handle it from here. I want to do this on my own." I could tell he thought I was being foolish, but I didn't care. I liked Tomi, but I didn't need him giving me a loving tour of the Fire Nation, pointing out the places he'd gone as a boy or where the best food was. I wasn't a tourist, or a returning loyal citizen. I was there for one purpose, and if Tomi knew why I really wanted to learn firebending, he'd be obligated to arrest me immediately. It's illegal to threaten to kill a soldier of the Fire Nation, I'm sure. I gave him a look that said I wasn't going to change my mind, and he seemed to accept it.
He nodded and said, "Alright, Rei. I'll be in the city for two weeks, but then I leave again. I don't know if I'll be able to come see you…"
On impulse, I threw my arms around him and drew him close for a hug. After a few moments of surprise, his arms slid around my waist. "Thank you so much for everything," I said. "Don't worry about visiting me, I'm sure you'll be busy." I gave him a significant look to tell him that I'd rather he spent his time with Nobu. He responded with a shaky smile and I gave his arm a squeeze before I stepped back to let him leave.
Tomi's smile slipped away as his eyes became more intense. "Rei… remember what I said about the Fire Nation. We're not all bad."
I tried to smile but I'm afraid it probably looked more like a grimace. "You're sweet, but I think you might be a rarity."
"Just promise to give us a chance." He leaned forward and gave me a swift kiss on the forehead before he turned and walked briskly out of the room.
""""
It turned out that, like me, a good amount of the other refugees coming into the Fire Nation didn't have homes to go to. A lot of people had been rooted in the colonies, and most of their families were either back there or not willing or able to take anyone into their homes. Most refugees were welcomed into their relatives' homes, but for those of us who had no family here, there was a place for us. I learned pretty quickly from other refugees and soldiers that my new home was going to be a place called "The Stacks". Basically, the capital was divided into areas just like any other city. The nearer you got to the mountains, the more elite the residents became, with the palace rising above the city like the unattainable hope that it was. To give some perspective, the stacks were right near the docks, as far from the palace as you could get. Because the cost of putting the refugees there was better than anywhere else, that's where we were stuck by whoever the hell makes those decisions. I doubt the Fire Lord concerned himself with the location of refugees, but regardless, that was our area. You could only leave once you got the money and unless you had some incredible skill that allowed you to be an apprentice or even get your own business, you never got the money.
Walking through the stacks, the first thing you notice is the heat. My travelling clothes weren't really made for that suffocating heat and I was sweating the minute I stepped off the boat. The air in the Fire Nation is hot anyway, a sickly dry heat that makes you feel like oxygen is scratching your lungs on the way down, but it was even worse in the stacks. The streets were wooden planks stuck right into the dirt, so dust clouded the already thick air and a breeze was hard to come by in the tight spaces. There weren't really buildings, just lines and lines of identical, tiny shacks built of colorless, dreary wood. Zhin must have made a fortune in lumber building them, but he was probably the only one who really benefitted. The only windows were just square holes cut into the sides with cloth flaps hanging over them for shutters. There was hardly room between the buildings to slip through sideways, a man like Iroh would never be able to fit.
Despite the grayness of the buildings and ground, the alleys were bustling with people. Mothers hustled their children up and down the streets, brushing their clothes free of dirt; vendors called out to sell fruit and meats; soldiers prowled the streets, daring the refugees to cause trouble. I took a deep breath and clutched my assignment sheet in my hand. Every refugee off the ship that needed a place in the stacks was given one of those sheets, telling us where to live. Standing in front of the bustling city with the docks and ocean at my back, I felt so small and vulnerable, just one of hundreds. I reached inside me for the familiar anger, drew strength from the heat, and marched forward. As I walked through the alleys, I watched the looming shape of the palace in the distance and thought of Zuko. Did he ever stand up there and look down here at the slums his subjects were living in? I would guess not, but I really didn't know him well enough to say.
I found my shack in a nondescript section of the stacks that was nearer to the actual city than to the docks. I'd been walking for about half an hour when I saw the number 208 scratched above a doorway. The soldiers told me to always keep my assignment sheet on my person so that no one could move in and take my shack. I didn't ask questions, just took their advice. I slipped the sheet in my pocket, took a deep breath, and stepped into my Fire Nation home… and quickly stepped out. It reeked of unwashed, dirty men, onions, and waste. I steeled myself against the stench and quickly walked inside, making a beeline for the windows and tearing away the cloth to let some of the air breeze in. After a while the smell was tolerable and I was able to look around. There were the very barest of the necessities in the one-room shack. One pallet for a bed, one low table that could seat four at most, one bar hung across the ceiling that must have been the closet, and one bucket. One glance inside told me what that was for and I had to work hard not to be sick. So far, I was underwhelmed at the hospitality of the Fire Nation, but it was nothing more than I expected. It was a roof, and that was all that mattered. I didn't plan on spending too much time there, anyway.
The rest of the day was spent trying to clean the place out and by nightfall, I felt I had made enough progress to sleep there. As there was zero security to my shack, I still had to sleep with my belongings close to me. I laid my blanket across the pallet and stayed up half the night, nervous that a burglar or worse would simply throw aside the cloth covering the doorway and do whatever he liked, but nothing happened. Being a firebender, I didn't really fear that anyone could seriously hurt me, but I was still so uncertain about my bending that I didn't want to test it.
It wasn't until I woke the next morning to the stirring sounds of the other residents of the stacks starting their day that I started to feel truly lost. I was here, the Fire Nation, I'd made it. For so long, my goal had just been to get there that I never really considered what to do once I'd completed my journey. Find a firebending master, sure, but where? Who? I knew exactly three people from the Fire Nation and none of them would be able to help me. Two were fugitives on the run, and the third had his own life that was as filled with difficulty as mine was. I woke up that first day and had no idea what to do. My entire life up until then had been filled with days that each had a purpose. I'd have to run my healing business and my home, I'd have to travel, I'd have to tend my garden, I'd have to repair my roof, make bandages, run to the village, get to the Fire Nation.
Soon after that first wave of panic, my stomach gave me the purpose I was longing for. It growled so loud that I couldn't help but chuckle at myself. Food first, life goals second. I gathered my things, hung the small, red brick outside my door that meant the shack was occupied, and went to the first vendor whose food looked edible. I could tell right away that the food would take some getting used to (even the fruit set my mouth on fire with spice), but I was so hungry that it didn't really matter. With my stomach filled, life seemed much less daunting. Bearings, I had to get my bearings. I was in a new nation and a new city, and I decided to do some exploring, maybe ask around after firebending masters who wouldn't turn away a bastard or toss me straight into the military. I'd just say I had a son who needed training or something until I found the right one. Also, I thought I'd love to find a bathhouse somewhere. I ran my hand through my greasy hair and grimaced.
Walking through the streets, I was struck again by the sheer number of shacks and people running around the stacks. I expected to have to ward off friendly welcomers and neighbors, but no one really seemed interested in the new girl who moved into the shack next door. I guess it was such a common thing that no one paid any attention to anyone new, or maybe it was cultural. Aside from Tomi, the Fire Nation people were not a very accommodating one. I shrugged, it was no big loss. Most of my life had been a fairly solitary one and I wasn't going to lose sleep over not making any Fire Nation friends.
Just like everything else in the Fire Nation, the city was laid out very practically. It was arranged in a grid pattern, all the streets running north and south, east and west. The main street, and the largest, was running west toward the palace and the richest part of the capital. Shops lined the cobbled street on both sides, but as you got farther from the main street on either side, residential buildings started to take over. Walking west away from the docks and toward the palace, I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the city by the time I reached the huge courtyard that separated Us from Them. The ground sloped gradually upward as the road ran west then rose dramatically at the section that must have housed the nobles. Giant stone staircases, ones that could only have been long ago carved by earthbenders, led up to the level of the mountain that housed the palace and surrounding homes. The ornate red and gold buildings were beautiful, ostentatious, and unnecessarily decorated. I stood surrounded by bustling people and looked at the palace again, but it only made me think of Zuko. He'd been in those walls, a spoiled prince who somehow ended up banished. Not for the first time, I wished I knew why. What had he done, the only male heir to the throne, that caused his father to cast him out? How did he get that scar? What did he do to go from banished to wanted? I sighed and turned away from the sight of that looming palace. I'd likely never know the answers to those questions. Zuko wasn't the crowned prince anymore and the least likely place he'd go would be the Fire Nation.
Every damn thing in the Fire Nation was red and gold. I got it, they liked fire, but it seemed beyond their comprehension that there were other acceptable colors out there besides those two. Whenever I finally got home, I never wanted to see the colors again. Those were the thoughts that ran through my head when I walked into the first clothing store I found that I could afford. I had to get out of those stifling, travelling pants and shirt. The heat made wearing as little clothing as possible the best option, but I still grimaced as the revealing shirts displayed my scar. My skin was pretty tan from travelling and working in the sun, but the scar glowed white and red in the middle of my chest, gruesome flames licking my neck. As I walked out of the store, I tried to hunch forward and bring my dark hair over my shoulders to hide it, but I still drew some looks. After a few particularly offensive remarks, that anger in me flared up and my back straightened before I was aware of it. I lifted my chin and stared straight ahead. Damn them, who cares what the people of the Fire Nation thought? These people leisurely visiting shops hadn't been touched by war like I had. I'd been attacked and survived, and that was something to be proud of.
When I finally got back inside the stacks, a commotion up one of the alleys drew my attention and I was curious enough to go see what was going on. There was a vendor's cart tipped over and two soldiers were trying to separate the vendor from some man who was obviously doing his best to shield himself from her attack.
"He's a filthy thief!" she shrieked at the soldier holding her. I joined the crowd of onlookers and it didn't take long to surmise that the man who was bleeding heavily onto the street had taken the woman's money purse when she was assisting a customer. She'd caught him and promptly used the short sword she had in her cart to cut the man's hand off. Overreaction or not, she clearly did not regret it. In fact, she was shouting that she wished she'd done worse. The soldiers finally got her subdued enough to focus their attention on the injured thief, whose face was alarmingly pale and the stub where his hand had been was gushing blood. The soldiers were trying to stop the bleeding, but they obviously didn't know what they were doing. Soldiers who didn't even know basic field care? What kind of amateurs did they send to guard the stacks? The two of them were trying to press their hands to the man's stump, but that wasn't going to do it. I felt sick from the whole scene. Not the blood, but the careless violence and even more careless state of affairs the government left the stacks in. As far as I could tell, no one was blameless in this situation. Any vendor selling in the stacks was obviously poor, even the most desperate thief should never steal from his own; the vendor was ready to kill a man over money; the military was obviously uncaring about the refugees; the soldiers were guilty by association; the onlookers were guilty for not stopping it.
The soldiers were apparently smart enough to know that he would die if they didn't do something fast and the older of the two men frantically glanced around at the crowd of onlookers. "Isn't anyone a healer?" he shouted.
The people around me looked around at each other, waiting for someone to call out. I thought about helping them, I honestly did. I was just about to step forward when the dying man's eyes met mine. They were dark brown, almost black, and that was the exact shade that Kenshin's eyes were. What if this was his brother? Cousin? It was weak, selfish, awful, horrible of me. It didn't even make sense, was I going to let a man die because he distantly resembled a man I hated? Because he was Fire Nation and a thief? Yes. I felt the edges around my scar burn again and I turned my back on the scene and walked to my shack. I locked away that part of me that was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even recall my mother's face without feeling sick. I felt my palms fill with heat.
""""
Weeks passed. I didn't think it was possible, but I spent weeks in that little shack and felt just as much a vulnerable outsider as I had that first day. A few times, I almost broke down and contacted Tomi, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't take him away from the short time he had with Nobu, especially when the real reason I needed his help was that I was scared. I had yet to find a firebending master. The schools I tried were banned to a bastard and I couldn't use a different cover story after displaying the bastard one so publicly. A couple masters pointed me in the direction of a few retired, desperate, or otherwise nefarious firebenders who might be willing to teach me, but those encounters proved… unsavory. They slammed the door in my face, threatened me, or tried to secure payment in the form of sex, and I was not prepared to trade one horror for another, nor could I afford the more traditional form of payment. Zhin's money was dwindling fast even though my only real expense was food.
I tried my best to practice firebending on my own, but there was really no way to do it safely. My shack was basically one big tinder bundle and I couldn't do it out in the open for fear of being thrown into a military uniform and shipped to the front or questioned further about my heritage. Zhin was from the capital, and I didn't want his name tossed around too much. It would be pretty obvious I wasn't his bastard if anyone bothered to look past how uncomfortable it was to investigate such things. Frustration was my constant companion as I went from firebender to firebender, carefully assessing whether or not I could ask them to train me.
""""
Let me be perfectly clear about something, in case I've been somewhat ambivalent in this. It didn't take long at all to figure out that no one cared about the refugees. The Fire Lord gave us a shack and a "Best of Luck" and left us to fend for ourselves, with only a few inept soldiers to make sure we didn't burn the place down. In fact, it seemed like the nobles' greatest goal in making the stacks was to put the refugees as far out of their minds as possible. To get from the docks all the way to the palace, you needn't even see the stacks. It was north of the main road, out of the way of any travelling noble or military unit. The ships carrying refugees went north of the main port to drop them off at the stacks, something I hadn't known when I arrived. Any military ships were taken directly to the main road and up to the sprawling palace, which also seemed to house the military headquarters. So really, unless you went outside of the stacks and into the actual capital, it felt like you were in another part of the world- a harsh, cruel, part of the world with a definite Fire Nation flavor.
That's why I didn't know it when the capital erupted in cheers over the fall of the avatar. I didn't find out until the day after the conquering heroes returned to the Fire Nation that the war was well and truly over. I was getting my breakfast from my favorite vendor when I noticed a definite buzz among the other refugees.
"What's going on?" I asked the vendor.
He looked at me with surprise. "You don't know? It's all anyone's talking about. Princess Azula has taken Ba Sing Se. The war is over." The breath went out of me and my head fell forward as I stared at the dirt under my feet. The Earth Kingdom… home… taken? The man took my reaction as shocked awe and continued, "Apparently the princess found Prince Zuko there," my eyes shot up to his face, "and they fought the Avatar for the city. Zuko killed the Avatar and the prince was welcomed back by the Fire Lord. Guess there was some big to do yesterday at the courtyard welcoming the two home, not that they invited us." He chuckled bitterly.
"Zuko… killed the Avatar?"
"That's what they're saying. I guess he and the princess are gonna tour the city today to celebrate the victory."
Mechanically, I handed over some coins to the vendor and carried my breakfast back to my shack. I felt numb, much the way I'd felt when my mother died. Ba Sing Se for as long as anyone could remember had stood so strong, so resolute against the Fire Nation. The symbol that we weren't going to submit, that we would fight. They couldn't take Ba Sing Se, no army could. If they couldn't take Ba Sing Se, they couldn't take the Earth Kingdom. They couldn't take our hope. They couldn't kill the Avatar, either. They'd searched for a hundred years and couldn't kill him. If they couldn't kill the Avatar, they couldn't win the war. Now, Ba Sing Se had fallen. The Avatar was dead. As soon as I entered my shack, I dropped the food on the table and wished with all my heart that I'd let Zuko die when he came to my hut. If it weren't for me, the Avatar would still be out there, fighting for us. I killed the Avatar with one kind act. I heard the sounds of celebration from the alley outside my shack and was so disgusted I couldn't breathe. I was mourning alone in a sea of people rejoicing. After everything their nation had done, even to them, these people cheered at the fall of the last hope for peace. How could a nation so evil inspire such loyalty?
The last thing the vendor told me slowly entered my thoughts. Zuko and the princess were touring the city today.
Yay, Zuko is in the capital! Guys, I'm so excited to write the rest of this story. I can't wait. Please review!
Thanks to my beta, BabyAngel9614!