Cheering crowds lined the main street on both sides from the docks all the way up to the palace. The entire city had shut down in order for every citizen to welcome home their heroes, the prince and princess. The minute the vendor's words about this parade honoring the almighty Fire Nation royal family had sunk into my brain, I'd left my shack and walked south towards the main street. I wasn't really thinking clearly, I was just filled with the desire to see him. Hiding in my shack and pretending it hadn't happened was possible when I couldn't see him, but I had to look at that scarred face and know that I was responsible for saving him, for keeping him alive so he could destroy my mother's people. Hearing about the prince's return and seeing him in the flesh were two very different things, and I felt like I had to punish myself for what I'd done. That was the only goal I had in my mind as I chose a spot in front of a lantern pole, my feet on the cobbled road so that I wouldn't have an impeded view. I stood there for hours as the street slowly filled with the other citizens waiting to see the parade.
It started at the docks, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how they got all the floats, tanks, and palanquins down there without me seeing. The main street was really the only way to the palace; the city was surrounded by mountain on both sides. My numb mind was cranking slowly and eventually I idly wondered if there were tunnels under the city. I was yanked from my thoughts by the commotion around me. People were bustling everywhere, talking to friends and wrangling excited children. Vendors were wasting no time in selling souvenir items like fake crowns and dolls in the likeness of the avatar, the prince, and the princess. I even saw one that looked like the Earth King. Mostly, it was paintings and printings of the prince and princess. I was used to seeing Zuko's face on the wanted posters, but I was not used to seeing his face under the slogans "Savior of the Fire Nation" or "Vanquisher of the Avatar". There were others, too, but they just got more sickening. Pretty soon, there was a full-fledged festival on the streets of the Fire Nation. The crowd pressed in close against me, but I'd chosen my spot well. I was at the very front and nothing was obscuring my view of the parade of tanks, soldiers, commanders, officers, and dancers. There was a group of firebending masters, men and women who were smiling and weaving fire through the air in beautiful shapes and patterns. The band marching along was playing with more gusto than I'd ever seen and it would have been breathtaking if I felt like I still had the ability to breathe.
I felt like an island standing there among so much happiness. An old man to my left was openly weeping, happy tears running down his face as he saluted the officers that gaily waved back at the crowd. To my right, two giggling girls who couldn't have been more than twelve were shrieking with delight at the handsome soldiers who walked by so stoically. I watched it all with the strange detachedness I'd felt since I heard the news that morning, waiting and waiting for him. I had to see his smug, smiling face. I had to know that he was proud of himself and that he used my kindness to murder the Avatar. That way, my hate could really and truly find another outlet besides the one for Kenshin. I could feel all that hate and anger building inside, waiting until I had something strong enough to aim it at.
I knew they were approaching before I even saw the gold glinting off the palanquin frames. A mighty roar from the crowd started from down at the docks and rose in volume the closer the prince and princess moved to where I was standing. A decorated tank passed slowly, followed by twenty women in beautiful, flowing outfits of, you guessed it, red and gold. They spread red rose petals over the ground before the royal palanquins. The first palanquin held the princess, Azula. She was undeniably beautiful, her straight black hair let loose except for the bit at the top that was pulled up in that ponytail they all wore, two pieces falling forward to frame her angular, feminine face. She was wearing a half smirk as if this was all beneath her; she didn't wave, just glanced around at the citizens in amusement, obviously reveling in her position of power. She looked almost feline reclined on her pillows, the curtains framed around her. She was wearing a revealing two-piece dress of black trimmed in red, her toned stomach strikingly pale against the black. The four men carrying her palanquin looked like they'd won the greatest prize out there. She passed within about ten feet of me, but I was already looking behind her.
There were more flower women, but behind them was another palanquin and I could see glimpses of his masculine form before anything else. I felt lightheaded, so I would guess that I forgot to breathe, but I didn't care. Finally, the women passed and I could see him clearly. Zuko was sitting forward, his knees drawn up and his arms hooked around them, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked at the crowd, his expression serious. The palanquin was arranged just like Azula's, but Zuko looked noticeably less comfortable in it.
"Oh, he's so handsome!" one of the girls next to me shouted above the din of cheers.
"Can you image how perfect he would be without the scar?" the other one shouted back.
My mind betrayed me then. As Zuko moved closer, the floodgates to my emotions crashed open and the numbness was erased in a flash of anger, hurt, fury, and, surprisingly, betrayal. My eyes filled with tears and I could feel my face twist in agony as he rode closer, just as close as Azula had been. His red shirt with gold lining the edges was sleeveless, his arms thick with muscle even while resting. His hair was so long, long enough to hang forward to hide his beautiful eyes if it was down, but it was pulled up to match his sister's and an ornament made to look like flames was peeking out of the top of it. It wasn't fair. He was supposed to look ecstatic, not beautiful and serious. How was I supposed to transfer the hatred I had for myself to him when he didn't look proud of himself? Just like when I first met him, he still had the ability to throw me completely. Suddenly, I couldn't be there anymore. I couldn't stand there while he was so close to me. Heat was creeping up inside me, but it wasn't my fire and that scared me. The outfit I'd worn that day had a high neck that covered my scar, but it left my back exposed so when I pressed back against the cold of the lantern post, goose bumps rose on my skin. I turned my head frantically from side to side, but I'd chosen my vantage point too well. There was an impenetrable wall of people behind me and I couldn't leave. My eyes moved forward again without my permission and met gold ones.
His back was straight as he stared at me, his eyes narrowed in concentration. He was obviously trying to place me and my mind was screaming for me to turn away before he could recognize where he knew me from, but I was never able to defend against those eyes. Finally, when his palanquin was directly across from me, not ten feet away, those eyes widened with realization and his jaw dropped open. I saw his chest heave and I don't know what he would have done next because my reason finally won out against that stare. I shoved violently against the old man to my left and fled, pushing people out of my way as I tried desperately to put all the distance I could between me and those eyes.
""""
I sprinted straight to my shack, making record time because everyone else was still at the parade. My breaths raked in and out of my lungs with exertion and sobs. I thought about my mother, who talked about Ba Sing Se with such love, told me about how strong it was and how it was the very spirit of the Earth Kingdom. She and my father had told me stories of the Avatar and the legends surrounding him. I thought about Iroh, so kind and funny, how his nephew seemed nothing like him. Zuko. Damn him, damn him for confusing me so much. For making me like him and then doing something so unforgivable that every moral compass in the world should be shouting for me to hate him. I slapped the cloth away from my door and collapsed on my pallet, my back sliding down the wall. I sat there with my thighs pressed tight against my chest, my forehead resting against my knees. I clamped my hands over my ears to drown out the sounds of cheering and music that I could still hear all the way from the city.
Eventually, the cheering and music gave way to happy chatter as people made their way back to the stacks. I kept my hands over my ears and closed my eyes, missing my mother so badly that it ached. She would know just what to say and do, she always did. It's what made her such a great healer. I heard laughter in the shack that shared a wall with mine and envied them for a moment. To be so brainwashed and stupid that the fall of an entire nation was something to celebrate would be something of a relief.
I sat there for I don't know how long, watching the shadows move across my wall, trying to keep the tide at bay. Once it was full dark, I knew I should try to sleep but I couldn't even find the strength to try to uncurl myself and lay down. I felt a spider move across my foot and didn't even glance down. Zuko knew I was in the Fire Nation. He remembered me, and I hadn't expected that. Of course, he was a major milestone in my life, but I couldn't be memorable to him. Maybe a little interesting as a rogue firebender living in the Earth Kingdom, but nothing a prince would pay attention to, but he had. It probably didn't mean anything, though. Probably, he was chatting with Azula right then about the pathetic little firebender he found in a tiny village across the sea. They'd share some laughs and then move on. Maybe they were at a party, celebrating into the night. Maybe he was telling Iroh about seeing me… My brow twitched as I thought about his absence today. If Zuko had been in the parade, I fully expected Iroh to be there with him. Well, the Fire Lord hadn't been there, so Iroh was probably napping somewhere, letting his niece and nephew enjoy their day. My lips twitched as I remembered his thunderous snoring.
I took a deep breath and stretched my legs out before I could think too much about it. They complained about moving after being in one position for so long. My head had just hit the pillow, which was really just a bundled up shirt, when a sound outside my window startled me completely awake. The stacks had been quiet for a couple hours by that point, and a shuffling outside was usually something to be concerned about. One of the first things I bought in the capital had been a knife, and I pulled it from under my pallet as I eased silently to my feet, listening to the quiet footsteps moving around to the front of my shack. My heart was pounding and I gripped the knife tight enough that my knuckles popped when the cloth over my door fluttered, then was moved aside. There weren't lanterns lining the alleys in the stacks, so it was too dark for me to make out more than a male figure as he stepped inside. I was just about to lunge forward with my knife when his voice stopped me dead.
"Rei?" Zuko whispered. My knife clattered to the floor and I didn't realize I'd jumped back until my back hit the wall.
Suddenly, the room filled with light and I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the sudden blaze. I looked through my fingers to see him standing in my doorway, his face and body illuminated by the handful of flames he held out in front of him. He was wearing the same thing he did in the parade plus one dark cloak, and his thick, dark hair was out of that ridiculous knot. It hung down to almost the end of his nose.
After the shock of seeing him there had subsided somewhat, I marched forward and hissed, "Put that out!"
"Why?"
"Just do it!" I smacked his hand down at the forearm and the fire was extinguished, leaving us in the almost pitch black.
"What's wrong with you?" he whispered, annoyed.
"The last thing I need is for the soldiers to find out there's a firebender here." Anything that drew the soldiers' attentions was bad. I turned away from him and fumbled around in the dark for the small candle on my table, but stopped short of lighting it. I didn't know if I liked the idea of looking at him again, I didn't trust what I'd do. "What are you doing here?" I asked, proud of how calm and level my voice was.
"I saw you at the parade—"
"How did you find me?" I interrupted. My eyes were adjusting to the dark again and I could just make out his shape.
"We keep records of everybody in the stacks. I was so surprised to see you, why are you in the Fire Nation?" He'd moved closer to me and once again, my back hit the wall. Surprise and confusion was giving away to that familiar anger and hurt as I remembered what he'd done.
"That's none of your business." My voice was colder than I thought I was capable. "I was more surprised to hear about your being in the Fire Nation, Your Highness. I hear Ba Sing Se is lovely this time of year," my voice shook with angry sarcasm. "Get out of my house."
He went completely still and I could almost hear his jaw clench. "You know I only did what I had to," he said with forced calm.
"No, you didn't. I don't know what kind of monster could kill the Avatar after seeing the good he was doing—"
"The Avatar was an enemy of the Fire Nation, where you now live!"
I stepped forward to meet his challenge. "I seem to remember that you were an enemy of the Fire Nation at one time, too! Don't you dare try to feed me that propaganda." I tried to keep my voice as hushed as possible in my anger.
"Propaganda! How about you take a second to remember that I'm the Prince of the Fire Nation and I had a responsibility—"
"Go to hell," I said quietly. "You don't have any right to try to justify yourself. Prince or not, that was murder. You killed the greatest hope we had for this war to be finally over."
"It is over," he growled.
"Maybe for you. The worst part of war is repression and death and those'll continue in the other nations forever, now. My home will never be free again." I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, so I didn't try. He could probably see them in the dim moonlight coming through my window, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to be ashamed of mourning the Earth Kingdom.
He turned away from me and I was relieved, thinking he would finally leave, but he didn't. He put one hand against the wall of my shack and leaned into it, his head hanging down. "I had to," he whispered.
Inspiration struck me and I remembered Iroh's absence at the parade. "What did your uncle think of you killing the Avatar?" I watched him closely for his reaction and saw the muscles in his back tense and the hand against the wall clenched into a fist.
"I don't have an uncle," he said deadpanned, it as if he'd rehearsed it.
"He tried to stop it, didn't he? He was too kind to let it happen." I marched over to Zuko and forced him to look at me. "What did you do to him?"
He quickly turned to meet my glare. "I didn't do anything to him. He did it to himself, he betrayed us."
"Where is he?"
He was obviously warring with himself, trying to convince himself that he didn't care about what he was saying. That he didn't love his uncle like I knew he did. "Prison," he grunted. He slumped against the wall and put his hands on each side of his head, hiding his face in the wall. I didn't know what to say, I could see that he already knew how wrong it was to put a good man like Iroh in jail.
"He doesn't deserve that," I said finally, but there was no accusation in my voice.
Zuko sighed and said, "I know. I've tried… but it doesn't matter. He won't talk to me." He sounded so dejected and again, I felt thwarted. Why couldn't he just be awful so that I could hate him? The healer in me was shouting for me to comfort him, but the firebender in me was still disgusted with him.
"Why are you here, Rei?" he said, his voice low and halting. "I thought… I thought you hated us."
"I do." My voice was calm and steady. I wasn't trying to hurt him anymore; it was just the truth. He waited for me to continue, but I didn't want to say any more. When I stayed silent, he turned his head to look at me. The moon was high enough in the sky that I could make out his expression. He looked so lost, his hair was hiding one eye completely, but the other was fixed on me like I was a lifeline. I could see anger in him, too, but I don't think it was directed at me. Spirits help me, he was so beautiful. It was almost enough to make me forget what he'd done, but not quite.
"You're different," he murmured, but I wasn't listening.
"How could you do it, Zuko?" I whispered. I genuinely wanted to know.
"Honor," he said resolutely. That seemed like the one thing he was sure of.
I nodded, satisfied with his answer, even if it was horrible. It always seemed enough for them, that talk of honor. Tomi had been the same way, torturing himself for dishonoring his family with his love. Suddenly, I was exhausted. I'd had a very long day and this had been a very stressful, strange, emotional conversation. We would never see this issue the same way, and I was done talking about it. Zuko may have felt guilty, but I was sure it was only because of Iroh's fate in this. After everything, he was still just a spoiled prince, uncaring about anything that didn't directly affect him. "Please leave, Zuko. I'm tired."
He glanced back at my pallet and grimaced. I raised my chin and dared him to say something about my shack, but he didn't. Slowly, he pushed away from the wall and stood in front of me. I never noticed how tall he was, standing a full head above mine, but then the last time I saw him was when he was slumped with pain. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he turned and took a step to the door, pulling the hood of his cloak up over his head. He pushed the cloth over my door aside and was about to leave when he stopped and looked back at me, a hand still on the doorframe. "I'll come back soon," he said, then turned and left before I could tell him I didn't want him to come back. I barely had the strength to make it back to my pallet and I collapsed into a deep sleep the moment I laid my head down.
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