Thanks, everyone, for the reviews!
Disclaimer: These are the poll results for the creepy elf contest, not my own invention. I expect the voters were all orcs.
Chapter 17: Creeps
Sauron stormed into his office, feeling annoyed because he was late. That troublesome Mouth had borrowed his alarm clock without asking.
"Why don't you just use the alarm on your phone?" asked Sauron, seeing the causer of his troubles sitting in the corner eating a bagel and watching the morning news.
"It's broken," said the Mouth. "Why don't you use yours?"
"It's too much trouble to think about last thing at night," grumbled Sauron. "Besides, my phone alarm is annoying."
"You can change it."
"Too much trouble. Anyway I want my alarm clock back. It was a present from Melkor. Where's my secretary?"
"She's probably at the creepiest elf contest."
Sauron stared at the Mouth.
"Where?" he asked.
"Didn't you hear about it? They advertised it all over Middle Earth. The results will be broadcast in another hour or so."
"I don't remember giving permission for that," said Sauron, trying to decide whether it was worth getting mad about.
"Oh, don't spoil the fun please, Master," said the Mouth. "I bet a lot of money on Celeborn."
"That was a good bet," mused Sauron. "Can I enter an elf?"
"You can't enter someone else; you have to enter yourself."
"Why? Where's the fun in that? Besides, I'm not an elf. Can Maiar enter?"
"No, the rules said elves only."
"That's not fair!"
"I know," said the Mouth with a sigh.
Sauron was silent for awhile. Finally he spoke.
"How soon did you say they were going to publish the results?"
Down in one of the labour camps loud rock music was playing as the creepy elf contest progressed. The huge crowd that had gathered to watch the event had gradually dwindled until only the most hardened orcs still remained and many of them wore harassed and traumatised expressions. The creepy elf turnout had been far better than anyone expected and competition was fierce.
"THE LADY GALADRIEL!" shouted the announcer.
Galadriel swept onstage and faced the audience.
"The world is changed..." she said eerily. "I feel it in the water...the mirror shows many things..."
She stared at the judges and her pupils dilated.
"Pick me, pick me, pick me..."
Several people in the audience gasped and someone screamed. A long hook appeared from the side of the stage and jerked Galadriel into the wings. The judges wrote down their scores looking rather ill.
The next contestant mounted the stage hesitantly and waited with his hands awkwardly clasped behind him as two orcs brought up a large harp.
"Ahem," said Lindir.
He sat down and began to play.
"Tra-la-la-lally, here down in the valley, ha ha!"
The orcs were unable to decide whether to boo for his bad playing or cheer for his creepyness so they did both. Lindir looked hopefully at the judges as he left the stage. He was barely off it before Tauriel pushed past him and pranced up into the spotlight.
"Hi-ya!" she shouted, stabbing the giant spiders she had brought with her from Mirkwood.
She flipped all over the stage, ignoring the boos of the orcs who thought they could do it better.
"Okay, time's up," said the announcer.
Tauriel pouted. She had hoped to get the hook. Only the creepiest elves were removed with the hook, which was an emergency measure to prevent orcs dying from overexposure to creepyness.
"THE LADY ARWEN!"
Arwen glided gracefully onto the stage. She had invented some elvish phrases just for the occasion but suddenly she couldn't remember them.
"Ummm," she said. "Okay, I'm going to have to play a video."
She went to the projector and slipped a dvd into it. Images appeared on the screen of she and Aragorn kissing. There was a lot of commotion in the audience and all the exits were crammed full of fleeing orcs for the next five minutes.
"Okay, that's enough now!" shouted the announcer as the sound crew hastily unplugged the projector.
"Hooray! That's my girl!" shouted Elrond from the audience.
Arwen smiled smugly and left the stage with a patronising glance at Tauriel.
"That's it for the live performances," said the announcer, referring to a printed sheet in his hand. "We will now go on to the video exhibits. The first one is from Thranduil, elvenking of Mirkwood, who couldn't be here in person. Let me see...uh, are there any children in the room?"
He looked around but all the children who had come to witness the contest had left after the first few performances and were now undergoing intensive therapy.
"Good. I must warn the rest of you, there may be disturbing images displayed."
The spotlight went out and the video started playing. It was a shot of Thranduil slicing the head off an orc. There were shouts and cries of protest and a censor image appeared on the screen. The crew quickly turned it off and played the next video.
It happened to be one from Legolas, who also couldn't be present. It was a rap number called They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard. There was a chorus of groans from the audience as this popular number appeared to be overly familiar to all of them.
"And that's all the contestants," said the announcer, as the last video ended. "Wait a minute, there's a last minute entry that just came in. Lord Elrond."
"But I didn't enter," protested Elrond.
"Well, we have a video of you. All right roll it, boys."
"NOOOO!" shouted Elrond, rushing to the stage.
He was too late to stop it, however. It was not a full video but actually a gif. It portrayed Elrond daintily sweeping up his overly lengthy robes like an elven princess to avoid stepping on them as he descended a flight of steps. Being a gif it played over and over and was more disturbing each time.
There was a long silence in the auditorium. Then suddenly all the orcs burst out into raucous laughter.
"Dad?" said Arwen.
Elrond buried his face in his hands.
"He promised he wouldn't," he protested faintly.
"Attention, everyone," said the announcer, appearing on the stage again. "We are about to announce the winners."
A hushed and attentive stillness fell.
"And the first place winner with her video of - um...yeah, her video! is...LADY ARWEN!"
Cheering broke out on all sides as Arwen mounted the platform to receive her trophy.
"Second place for impressive telepathy and mind manipulation...LADY GALADRIEL!"
"No fair!" said Tauriel.
"And third place for his viral YouTube video of his song with Kermit the frog...TIGWIT!"
"LINDIR! It's LINDIR!" shouted Lindir, unable to make himself heard above the applause.
"Thanks, everyone for coming," the announcer continued. "We look forward to next year's contest -"
"Next year's?!" hissed a voice as the witch king appeared on the stage. "You're not doing this dumb thing again, are you?"
"Well..." said the announcer timidly, "we had a really great turn-out, don't you think? And we made tons of money off the ad space we sold on all the tv channels we broadcast it over."
"Whatever," said the witch king. "I don't care. I came here to find my nazgul. They're probably here somewhere - they like cheap thrills. Have you seen them?"
"No, I haven't. Actually, I haven't seen them since..."
"Since when?"
"Well, since...you...um..."
"Since I what?"
"Well...got killed by that Rohirrim, sir."
"Oh, so they think they can slack off while I'm not around to crack the whip, do they? I'll show them!"
He turned and departed with a swirl of black drapery. As he went out a small orc who had been selling tickets at the door entered breathlessly.
"We have a problem," he announced. "We just got a threatening phone call from Thranduil, elvenking of Mirkwood who is upset over not winning the contest. By rights he should have, he said. Discrimination was mentioned."
Another orc appeared.
"The phones are ringing off the hook. Prince Legolas complains about his video not winning. He's threatening to sue."
There was a commotion backstage and Tauriel appeared, swinging blades in all directions. The auditorium cleared rapidly. The creepy elf contest was over.
I'm not entirely sure why Lindir came in third. Oh well, he can certainly be creepy...
I have not seen the Kermit the Frog video (and somehow I doubt it's actually viral) but Lily Lindsey-Aubrey said it was indeed creepy.