Hello, everyone. *looks embarrassed* I'm back. I know it's been more than a week... I was - on hiatus - yes, that sounds cool. Stephen Moffat - I mean c. c. gaylord - had writer's block. Also, I've been feeling depressed over all the awesome writers on this site and how bad I am in comparison X'( But anyway, here's the next chapter.

Oh oh oh before we begin I have to say: I finally got around to watching that video I alluded to of Bret McKenzie and Kermit the frog singing "Life's a Happy Song." It's SO CUTE. You need to go watch it right now. And if you haven't read Life of Lindir, Covert Occupations, or Hit It Tigwit, you should go read those. They're great Lindir-love stories in which he SINGS. Just like Bret McKenzie. XD (Yes, he's terrible.)

Phillip Callaway: Sauron bet on Elrond. Sorry to have not made that clear. :P Not that it matters to the story, really. Machete Girl: Well, if you're an evil Maia, Mordor is probably peaceful compared to what you'd encounter anywhere else. XD Sixty-four K: Yes, poor Gimli. I'm not sure why he liked her in the first place. Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: I don't think you have to worry; Galdor isn't as violent in this story. XD Rousdower: I felt sorry for the Mouth for the two minutes he was actually in the movie. So sad. :'( Pip the Dark Lord of All: Thanks for all the reviews! You're awesome! And VERY committed to have read this looooong story. loopid: Thanks! Sorry to take a while updating... OneSizeFitsAll: I don't really think Lindir is all that creepy either, but those were the poll results... I guess he was kind of creepy in LotR. Not so much in Hobbit.

Thanks, everyone! You're such devoted reviewers, I love you all!

Chapter 19: A Cunning Plan

"I can't believe it!" said Gimli. "I can't believe she was working for you the whole time."

"Well, get over it because it's true," lied Sauron.

"But I believed every word she said. I was so naive. So easily fooled."

"Shouldn't be gullible."

"And when we went to Lothlorien I was so sure I wouldn't fall for her schemes."

"At least you found out the truth before it was too late. I'm surprised the others didn't tell you anything."

"Others?" said Gimli.

"Of course," said Sauron, feeling it just as well not to waste a good lie. "Don't tell me they fooled you too. Here, allow me to enlighten you."

He pulled a sheaf of propaganda pamphlets from a pigeon hole and tossed them at Gimli. The pamphlets had been written by the Mouth, who was a gifted fiction writer and had once authored a successful comic book series in Numenor. Gimli sat down with the pamphlets and began to read.

Outside the tower Erestor was looking at the runners up list for the creepy elf contest. He sighed.

"I didn't even place. I should have entered a video like you and Arwen."

"I thought you did a pretty good job," said Lindir, who was polishing his trophy.

"I thought so too. And I picked out the creepiest T.S. Eliot poem I knew of. I suppose the orcs don't have enough culture for that sort of thing. Oh, congratulations on coming in second, Lady Galadriel," he said as he saw the elf approaching with her husband.

"Have you seen Orophin and Rumil anywhere?" said Galadriel.

"No. Why?" asked Erestor.

"Because they're wanted for starting hippie communes. I have to warn them to hide before Sauron finds them and arrests them."

"Starting hippie communes is against the law?" asked Erestor in surprise.

"What are you doing all standing around here for?" demanded an extremely grumpy Elrond, storming up to the tower steps. "Don't you have anything better to do with your lives?"

"Where are you going?" asked Lindir, blinking at his employer, who looked even grumpier than usual.

"To collect my personal belongings," said Elrond, turning around dramatically halfway up the steps. "I'm through with this place forever."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Wrong? I only came here because that cheat blackmailed me into being his personal slave," said Elrond hotly. "Now he's released that gif of me he no longer has any power over me and I'm leaving."

"But you can't," said Celeborn. "We need your help. We counted on you."

"Need my help for what?"

Celeborn looked at Galadriel. "Should we tell them?" he asked.

"We're planning to steal the ring from Sauron," Galadriel explained. "That way he won't be able to run everything anymore."

"Do you know where he keeps it?" asked Erestor hopefully.

"He wears it most of the time," said Celeborn. "But sometimes he forgets and leaves it in the bathroom."

"If we drove him crazy," said Elrond, brightening up, "maybe he'd forget about it long enough for us to steal it."

"Drive him crazy how?"

"Oh it shouldn't be difficult," said Celeborn modestly. "We practically do it every day. Don't we, dear?"

"He hates expressions of endearment," said Galadriel. "We could do a bit more of that. I think it would be very effective."

"Ssh, he might hear us," whispered Elrond. He turned to Erestor and Lindir. "Do you want to stay and help?" he asked.

The two elves looked at each other. "Uhh, sure," said Erestor. "I mean, we were going to help the fellowship steal it anyway."

Lindir said nothing and looked frightened.

Totally unaware of the plots going forward for the embezzlement of his precious ring, Sauron hung up his office phone in annoyance. What was the point of conquering Middle Earth if he had to answer his phone himself? Where was his useless secretary?

Gimli was still reading and muttering to himself in his corner. "Unbelievable," he said. "Aragorn used to be a hit man?"

"Fascinating, isn't it?" replied Sauron, who wasn't listening.

"And Legolas worked for a firm that sold biohazardous spider spray and there was a huge explosion in the factory that transformed him into a giant arachnoid creature and he sometimes reverts to his alternate form after eating too many carbohydrates? It can't be true!"

"Yes, I was rather impressed myself with what the Mouth came up with in the way of their origin stories," said Sauron.

"I was so deceived!"

"Now that you're enlightened, why don't you join me in capturing them and ridding Middle Earth of their corrupting influence?"

Gimli stared at Sauron in shock. "Help YOU? But you're the bad guy."

"Says who? Says Gandalf, and you just read all about how he made his money as boss of a gang of evil mutants."

"But Legolas..." protested Gimli. "He's my friend. I can't believe this horrible information about him."

"He's an elf and you know you can't trust elves. Besides, he once locked up your dad in the elvenking's dungeons, remember?"

"Ohhhh. Yes, I'd forgotten about that."

"And he said you looked like a goblin mutant."

"What?" said Gimli. "HE DID?!"

Did you notice the cover image? Yes, that's Gimli back there. Yes, he's sneaking up on Legolas. Muahahaha I put foreshadowing in my cover pic. Aren't I awesome?

By the way, did anyone hear that Cate Blanchett is the evil stepmother in Cinderella? She's such a creepy villain!