The first thing to register in my mind was the smell of salt and I couldn't tell if it was ocean or sweat. The second thing was the overwhelming heat. I was sprawled across Zuko's chest as he lay on his back, one arm around my waist and holding me firmly against him, the other was tangled in my hair and resting on my neck. I opened my eyes slowly, unwilling to relinquish the feeling that I'd just had the best dream of my life. The moon was high in the sky, and all the clouds had fled, leaving the mountain clearing bright. I could see everything. His skin, so pale against my darker arm; the scars crisscrossing his body, the ones I'd tried to heal. I could see his eyes if I just lifted my head, but I didn't. I didn't want to see the regret there.

I knew he was awake. His hand was drawing soft patterns on my back and every now and then, he sighed. At some point, my skirt had ripped and was now laid under us like a makeshift blanket. We were completely bare in the light from the moon and there was nowhere to hide. Regrets or not, there was no running from what had just happened. Still, even as scared as I was about finally giving in to him, I felt more content than I had in a long time. With Zuko's arms around me, Kenshin seemed very far away. I was just terrified about what would happen once he had to leave, and I hated that. I didn't want to depend on Zuko.

As if he could hear my thoughts, Zuko took a deep breath and said, "I can't stay."

It was the first time either of us had spoken since he'd asked if I was a virgin. My hand tightened on his bicep for a moment before I forced myself to relax. "I know."

We'd disentangled our limbs and pulled on our clothes. We both seemed to be having a hard time meeting each other's eyes. Finally, he gave me a swift kiss on the forehead and left for the palace. After his footsteps faded away, I stayed in the clearing for a while. I sat on the edge of the cliff and looked out over the moonlit water. I'd never loved a man before. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't a virgin, but love hadn't been in the equation before. Closeness, sure, but this feeling was different. I imagined I could feel him walking away, increasing the distance between us. My mother had told me about love, once. She said that it was like your whole being comes alive when you're with the one you love. She said that when she met my father, she knew that her whole self had changed. I thought about Zuko and a tear ran down my cheek before I could stop it. I didn't feel like that for him, that wasn't what this love was. He was a craving, the curse rather than the cure. Was it even love at all? I had no idea.

The dread, doubts, and anger set in after only a few moments. The healer in me was disgusted, and the firebender was angry that we hadn't trained more while I had him here. I'd been afraid that getting a hit of him would just make me sink deeper when he was gone, and I was right. Hatred tore through me and pulled my gaze west, toward the Earth Kingdom. Even if I did love Zuko, it would only serve to make all of this more painful. I hated myself for being so weak, for letting myself feel anything for him past distant forgiveness. He and I were on very different paths, we always had been. There was nothing for either of us in each other. He had the Fire Nation, his fiancé. And I had Kenshin.

I stood, my hand gripping the waist of my skirt closed, and headed back to the stacks. I walked down the mountain and my mind kept flashing between the feel of Zuko's mouth on me and Kenshin's. I hated him even more for sullying something that should have been beautiful. I should be laughing, singing with what just happened. Instead, my hands were shaking with anger and my jaw was sore from clenching.

""""

The next day felt a bit surreal to me. I poked my head out of the doorway and saw that everything outside looked exactly the same. Strange, but it felt like everything should be different that morning. I guess because for me, everything had changed. I felt off-balance and a little dizzy as I thought of what happened last night, and what it would mean. My hand went to my bare midriff and the healer in me startled awake. I'd had sex last night. Before any kinds of emotional decisions about Zuko were made, I had a few errands to run.

I made a quick stop at the bathhouse and headed toward the city. I knew where the healer's shops were, and I just hoped that the Fire Nation healers were as open minded as the Earth Kingdom ones. The first one did not carry anything close to what I was looking for, and my heart was pounding out of my chest as I walked out of the second empty-handed. There was a very small window of opportunity for most herbal remedies, and I did not want to miss it. As I almost ran for the third, and last, shop in the capital, I cursed Zuko. I knew it really wasn't his fault; I was as responsible for this as he was, but I couldn't afford a pregnancy. I didn't want a child, not in this world. I was disgusted with myself for thinking it, but I also didn't want Zuko's child. I didn't know if I could love the child of the Fire Nation prince, even if I knew he was more than that. It was only a little seed of doubt, but no mother should ever doubt that she loves her child.

I almost cried with relief when I saw the little jar in the shop that said "mintseng". I didn't even look at the price- it didn't matter when my pockets were empty. Luckily, there were a few other, wealthier looking customers in the shop to distract the clerk. I glanced around to make sure that no one was watching, and reached into the jar and took one of the little bundles of herbs. I perused the other items for a while before calmly making my way out of the door and back to the stacks.

Back in my shack, I held the clay pot that I'd taken from Zhin in my hands and let the fire flow out of my palms to heat the water inside. I laughed a bit in amazement when the water began to boil almost immediately. I'd spent so long denying my firebending, but it certainly had its uses. I held the pot in one hand and dropped the portion of herbs into it with the other. I let it boil there for a while before setting it on the ground to steep, just like I'd done for many scared girls back at my hut. When it was cool enough to drink, I raised it in a mock cheer and chugged it down. Mintseng was one of the best for preventing pregnancy, and it actually tasted really good. There was a minty coolness, but also a pleasant, flowery flavor. I felt like it should be disgusting, something to mirror the jolt of shame I felt when I thought about Zuko. Once the cup was drained, I laid face down on my pallet, waiting for the inevitable cramps. I'd had to take something like this once before, and I knew what would happen. It didn't take very long for the herbs to work themselves through my body and I twisted around my pillow, breathing hard through my nose.

These are the sorts of things the great love stories gloss over. I'll bet that most girls wouldn't have sighed so dreamily over the story of Oma and Shu if they'd known Oma would have had to endure this to keep a revealing pregnancy from ruining her and her lover's chance to be together.

That was how Zuko found me that night. I was so concentrated on drawing even breaths that I didn't know he was there until he crouched and put a hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

I turned my head to give him a wry smile and said, "I'm wonderful. Just… stomach sickness."

I didn't try to sit up, so he dropped to sit on the floor beside me. His face was pinched with embarrassment as he reached into his pocket. I propped my head more comfortably on my pillow and watched him. "Listen…" he said, "what happened last night… it was my fault. Not that I'm sorry it happened, but… and I understand why you would kick me out for saying this, but—"

"Zuko." I reached out a hand and placed it on his knee. "I don't regret last night." I don't know if that was strictly true, but that emptiness in my chest was filling up with him next to me.

His head dropped, but his hand covered mine. "I don't either," he said softly. "I know I should. I just can't stop doing things that…" he heaved a sigh and rubbed his free hand across his forehead, inadvertently exposing his scar. That's how I knew how frazzled he was. He usually did his best to hide the angry, red skin. Finally, he raised his head to look at me. "I can't help it."

My mind flashed back to that feeling I had the second night he came to my shack, when I thought I could use sex with him as some kind of revenge. It only took one day in a cave for him to completely dissolve that plan. Now, seeing him with such a tender, trusting look on his face… I knew in that moment that if it weren't for everything he'd done, to Iroh, to the Avatar, to the Earth Kingdom, I'd fall so far in love with him that Kenshin wouldn't even matter anymore. At least, I have to hope that I would. I couldn't tell him that, so I just smiled at him. Maybe this was enough. Until I had to leave, until I had to go back to my village, this could be enough. I brushed my thumb across his and said, "It's okay." He gave me a tiny smile and my heart sped up a little at the sight. He was with me again and my anger was fading more and more.

"Actually, there was something else I wanted to say. Something I need to give you, anyway…" he was looking uncomfortable again. His hand reached back into his pocket and he took out a small bundle. He held it out to me, avoiding my eyes. "I'm sorry… and you don't have to do anything you don't want to." I snorted when I saw what it was. His expression became confused and a little offended.

I tried to hide my smile as I said, "Zuko, what do you think I'm doing lying here like this? I took that hours ago."

"You did? Oh…" he looked me over again, lying on my stomach. "I didn't realize it hurt."

He was sitting close enough that I could reach out and tap him under the chin to bring his face up. "Stop looking so guilty. It'll pass soon, it's already much better than it was." When his face didn't change, I sighed and pushed myself up and over into a sitting position against the wall. "See?"

His face finally cleared a little and my eyebrows rose in surprise when he scooted closer and took my hands in his, his thumbs moving over my knuckles in soft strokes. I hummed and let my head fall back against the wall and my eyes slid shut. My cramps were better, but they were still there and it felt nice to have something else to concentrate on.

"Can you tell me something?" he said quietly, his hands still rubbing soothing circles into my skin.

"What?" I let my lids slide open a bit so I could see him.

His hands stilled. "How did you get the scar?"

My eyes opened all the way and I stared at him for a while. I don't know why I didn't want to tell him… maybe I was a bit ashamed. I should have been stronger, powerful enough to fight Kenshin and the others off. I considered telling him to butt out, or lying. Then again, he'd trusted me with Iroh. And I'd shared plenty of myself with Zuko last night. I was quiet so long that he'd dropped his gaze and stared at our entwined hands.

"It was about a week after you'd left." His eyes snapped back up. I took a deep breath and told him everything that happened that night. How Kenshin tried to rape me, how I set my own hut on fire and let it burn in a bid to kill him. Then I told him about being held down, powerless and completely alone, as they tortured and beat me. His face never changed, but I could see his breathing speed up and his fingers clenched around mine so hard that the knuckles ground together. I even told him about Zhin. I figured I had enough dirt on him now that I could blackmail him into keeping quiet, just in case. I did not, however, tell him about Tomi. I couldn't risk his or Nobu's life. I also didn't tell him about the bandits I'd met the night before he'd left for his little vacation. I still considered that one mostly my fault. Nor did I mention how I was staying fed. I didn't think he would appreciate my stealing, even just to keep alive. I was surprised, but it didn't really hurt to talk about all this. I'd already spent months thinking about it, so saying it out loud wasn't that different. I was more worried about Zuko.

His jaw was clenched and by the time I was finished, and he'd dropped his eyes again. I sat tensed against the wall, waiting for his reaction. He finally took a deep breath and let my hands slide out of his. He scooted closer and sat next to me, his back against the wall, his shoulder pressed against mine. He didn't look angry anymore, he just looked very sad. I didn't know which one was worse. I raised a hand to brush some hair out of his eye. His head turned so he could look at me, and he brought his hand up to keep mine pressed against his cheek. His eyes slid shut and he leaned into me. I didn't even think of stopping him, I just pressed my lips against his.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," he murmured against my lips.

I leaned back so he could see my angry expression. "It just reminded me of a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago."

I heard him swallow. "With your father, you mean."

I nodded. "You remember when you told me that I shouldn't keep my anger locked up? Well, I don't want to do that anymore. That's why I want to learn firebending." I couldn't keep my voice from shaking with that anger.

He studied my face for a beat before he sighed and said, "You will. But I have to know… is there a specific reason you want to learn?"

Again, I considered lying. I could tell him that I just wanted to be able to defend myself, and that wouldn't be a complete lie. I opened my mouth to say just that, but what came out was, "I'm going to make him pay."

His eyes drew down in thought and I immediately cursed myself. He wouldn't want to teach me now. He wouldn't want to knowingly aid in the murder of one of his army's officers. I was waiting for him to tell me all that when he whispered, "Good."

"Good?"

He raised eyes hard with anger to mine. "He deserves to pay for what he did, and I think you have to be the one to confront him. When you do, you'll be ready."

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him hard. It was amazing, I felt such freedom just from knowing that someone agreed with me. That I wasn't a monster for wanting to kill Kenshin. I felt justified. His surprise only lasted long enough for me to soften my lips against his. His head tilted to deepen the kiss and I felt strong arms go around my waist. Before I could get too carried away, I broke the kiss to whisper, "Thank you."

"I know what you're feeling, Rei. I've felt it, too." His voice had gone sad again and I drew back to look at him. His eyes were closed, but I knew from the angle of his head that he was trying to hide his scar from me. I placed my fingers against the rough skin and turned his face back to me.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked.

He took a shaky breath and shook his head. "Just promise me that when you do confront Kenshin… you'll do it for both of us."

Both of us? I couldn't answer him. I wondered who it was that hurt him like that, and I mostly wanted to know why he had to get his revenge vicariously. But I didn't want to push him.

He glanced down at my stomach and asked, "Are you feeling better?"

I nodded. "They're much weaker."

"Good. We can go to the mountains if you want to. I've worked out a kind of schedule for your training."

"Yeah, let's get going."

""""

"Just make sure you keep your arm straight, your aim will be better," Zuko called from behind me. He was having me do some simple exercises where I would punch my hands forward and a simple burst of flame would shoot out. "And don't let the fire past your hands until your arms are completely extended."

How did he make this look so easy? With the smallest adjustment of my arm, the fire would be off target by a couple feet. When I asked him, Zuko just told me that that's why it usually took years to master firebending.

"How long did it take you?" I asked.

"I started training at thirteen. I was a master by my fourteenth birthday. But that's different, I'm a prince. I had training every day, I didn't do anything else." He jerked his head to tell me wordlessly to continue. I continued punching, but I wasn't done asking about this.

"So you're saying that if I practiced enough, I could be a master within the year?"

"No. I also had masters instructing me during that time. Everything since becoming a master has been the practice."

"How long will it take me, then?" I growled and the punch that accompanied it sent a wall of flame directly at the stick that had been my target. I smiled back at Zuko and he smirked at me.

"If you kept that up, maybe two years. Maybe. It depends on the person, their natural talent."

I put my hands on my hips and stalked towards him, a teasing smirk on my face. "And what about me? What's my base talent level?" I stopped when my chest barely touched his.

His face fell into serious lines and he studied me from my toes up to my forehead. Finally, he smiled crookedly and quipped, "Average."

I shot my hands out and shoved him backwards with a laugh. "I can't understand how anyone could think you were a criminal. You're so charming."

He caught my hand before he fell back. He hit the dirt and I fell gracelessly on top of him. He was laughing. It was amazing how such a simple thing could make me feel so much. Even as the firebender in me warned again not to get too attached, I had to drop my head to kiss him. Our kiss quickly went from playful to very serious and in no time, my legs were on either side of him and his hands were entwined in my hair, holding me against him. It was when his hand started to travel south along the front of my body that I finally stopped the kiss.

"Wait," I said. He did, but he didn't look happy. I had to laugh at his annoyed expression, his hair wild from my hands raking through it.

"Why?"

"Because… if we do this, well, I'd have to take mintseng again and I really don't want to."

His face went from annoyed, to understanding, to crestfallen. "So, you… I understand." He made to gently push me away, but I tightened my hold.

"It's not that I don't want to be with you again! Just, there are other methods. Ones that won't rip my stomach in half. I just need time to get them."

I expected him to look relieved or happy, but he really didn't. That puzzled me until he said, almost to himself, "Yeah, Mai takes something every day."

Mai. "Your fiancé."

His hands dropped from me and I clamored my way off his lap. The mood was most definitely gone. He rubbed a hand across his face. "What am I doing?"

I huffed a frustrated sigh. "Yeah, Zuko, what are you doing? From where I'm standing, you have everything you could ever want back in the Noble Quarter."

"I don't know."

That was a shot right to my temper. He had no idea? "Listen, I don't care what happens here as long as I learn firebending. I'm not forcing you away from your Fire Nation fiancé."

His head shot up with a glare. "Don't talk about Mai!"

"I wasn't the one who brought her up!" I got to my feet and crossed my arms.

He followed me to his feet. "Hey, I've never done this before! There's no rulebook for what we're doing—"

"We're not doing anything. You agreed to train me, so I won't let you back out on that. If you want to stop the sex, we can. You're the one making the choices, here, Zuko."

"I wasn't even… you're the one blowing this out of proportion!"

I was about to snap back when a sudden thought made my eyes narrow. I remembered what Iroh said about choices, something similar to what I'd just said. "Why would you even bring her up?"

"I didn't mean—"

"I think you brought her up so that I'd be angry with you," I said calmly. His jaw snapped shut and I knew I'd struck a nerve. "I'm right, aren't I? You wanted me to get mad so… what? So I'd end this? You want me to take the choice out of your hands." I sneered at him. "You're pathetic."

I made to storm out of the clearing, but he caught my arm as I tried to walk past him. "I don't know, okay!? I don't know what I'm doing, or why! I don't know why I slept with you when I have Mai. All I know is that when I was on Ember Island, I tried really hard to just let go and be happy there with my sister and Mai. But I couldn't. I can't get you out of my head! It's like whenever I try to figure out what I'm doing, I hear you telling me how evil I am or I hear my father telling me he's proud of me."

I yanked my arm out of his grasp, but my feet stayed planted. "You don't need to feel so guilty. I'm not asking you for anything, Zuko, and I don't expect you to… I don't know. All I need from you is training. I know who you are, and I don't expect some kind of revelation or… or for you to apologize for everything you've done. If I were the fiancé, then maybe, but I'm not. You don't owe me anything past your firebending."

His head fell into his hands. "I'm just so confused."

My mind was spinning and my anger was fading again. He wasn't being deliberately cruel, he was just being weak, and I couldn't really be mad at him for that. I've been confused enough during my stay in the Fire Nation. I sighed and softened my voice. "What are you confused about?"

He turned his back and strode to the edge of the cliff overlooking the ocean. I followed him, but stopped short of standing beside him. His voice was filled with rage as he said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I don't know… what's right."

I couldn't stop myself from wincing a bit at that. "I meant what I said, Zuko. We can stop this right now."

"No, not… it's not just you." His shoulders lifted as he took a huge breath. "I feel like I'm all alone. I have my family back, my honor, my nation… but I don't feel like a part of it anymore." I didn't know what to say to that. I could hardly consider it a loss that he wouldn't feel connected to the Fire nation anymore. I was a bit shocked to hear that things weren't blissful for him back in the capital, but then again, he wouldn't be in my little shack so often if they were. "I guess I just thought it would be perfect when I came home."

I thought about my own situation. "Things are never that simple."

He suddenly turned and stood in front of me. "I don't want to stop this," he said, his hand caressing my face. "When I'm with you, I feel… not any less confused, but like it doesn't matter as much. There's just so much they can't understand, but that you can."

It should make me feel sublimely happy to hear that, but it didn't. I was so scared that we were both getting in deeper than I'd ever intended. I threaded my fingers through his where they rested against my cheek and brought our hands down. "Zuko, what do you think this is? I may understand what it's like to be confused, or to feel like I don't belong somewhere, but I don't know what it's like to be a banished, then vindicated, prince. I don't know how to help you—"

"You don't have to. I just… please stay with me."

I recoiled a bit at that. His eyes had dropped like he was ashamed of being so weak, and I couldn't blame him. "You know I can't stay in the Fire Nation forever, I have to get to Kenshin." I didn't even understand why he needed me in particular. He could get companionship from any number of women in the stacks; money was no issue for the prince. It wasn't like I was an encouragement for him, or even a confidant. This was probably the longest, most serious conversation we'd ever had, and I was no closer to understanding what he was asking me for than when we'd started. "Besides, I don't want to be your mistress for the rest of my life. I don't want to stay here."

"I'm not asking for that. Just… until you go. Please." Before I could say anything, he dipped his head and met my mouth with his. As long as we both knew. As long as we both knew that when I left, I left. As long as he understood that I couldn't stay here with him, that I really didn't want to, then we could do this. We could find respite with each other.

The next day found me lying face down on my pallet, an empty teacup beside me, and cramps racking my body again.

So, I start classes again tomorrow. I don't think it'll interfere too much with frequency of posts, but it's just a heads up.

Please, please review!