Pip the Dark Lord of All: No, don't kill me! Sorry it's been awhile; I'm a slow writer. And I'm glad you liked the last chapter - I was afraid it was overly weird. :/ Ranger's Scop: Oh. My. Sainted. Aunt. SHE IS! Eowyn is the queen of the gargoyles! That is so creepy! I wish I could work that into this story but I haven't seen that movie so I would just be clueless. Sixty-four K: I'm interested to see what they do too. I'm totally making this up as I go. :P FandomFangirl100: So it was! Did anyone celebrate? My sister wouldn't let us destroy her one ring replica :( Guest: You think Legolas is more fabulous than Thranduil? You've just made one elven prince very happy. :D Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Probably. One Ring by One Direction? XD Or maybe one of Lindir's hits!

Chapter 21: Sauron's Nervous Breakdown

"You're proofing Barad-dur against invasion?" the Mouth repeated, staring in amazement at his master. "-With a bucket of water?"

"I am merely taking precautions," explained Sauron. "Attend to my clever schemes, my minion. When the foolhardy fellowship arrive they will find the front door invitingly ajar and step boldly in, only to be met with an exceedingly unpleasant icy shower. Whereat they will beat a hasty retreat, terrified by my utter evilness."

"Oh," said the Mouth, trying to sound impressed. "Do you really think that will stop them?"

"I shall have super glue on the doorknob and other dastardly booby traps scattered about the place as well."

"Uh," said the Mouth, wondering how to phrase something so obvious, "if they get super glued, they won't be able to leave."

"Yes, but the one who is entrapped will not be able to make any mischief and the rest, hearing his despairing screams, will flee."

"Very clever, sir. But what if one of the orcs walks in here and knocks this bucket on himself?"

"Tell them to use the back door for awhile," said Sauron.

He and the Mouth stiffened as a musical voice echoed through the tower.

"Celeborn, yoohoo!"

Galadriel appeared in a doorway and almost simultaneously Celeborn appeared in another.

"Celeborn, my dove!" cried Galadriel.

"Galadriel, my blooming gladiola, did you call?"

"Yes, sweet pea. Have you seen the stack of papers that was on my desk?"

"Yes, I put it away."

"What? I still needed those! Why do you always have to mess with my stuff?" exclaimed Galadriel, slapping him.

She suddenly caught sight of Sauron and the Mouth standing there frozen in shock.

"Oh now, now," she said, kissing Celeborn on the cheek he was attempting to rub. "Galadriel mustn't be cross with her angel. Come with me and show me where you put the papers."

"I would follow you to the ends of Middle Earth," said Celeborn ardently.

They disappeared, leaving a very scarred Sauron and Mouth behind.

"Remind me never to get married," said the Mouth.

"If you ever get married," said Sauron turning on him menacingly, "I'll chop your head off again."

He facepalmed with both hands.

"They're doing it on purpose!" he cried. "I can tell. They're just trying to upset me. Oh, why would anyone be so cruel?!"

"Why don't you make them leave?"

"Because they would do more damage outside my tower than inside it. At least here I can keep an eye on them."

He stopped suddenly as he beheld Erestor stalk solemnly into the room followed by Lindir, who wheeled a tea tray with tea and biscuits.

"What are you doing in here?" Sauron demanded.

"We have joined your staff," explained Erestor.

"I didn't hire you."

"Lady Galadriel did," Erestor replied suavely. "And she has already advanced our pay, so you might not want to fire us right away. Lady Galadriel thought you looked unhappy and hoped some tea might cheer you up."

Lindir advanced obediently with the tea tray.

"Thank you," said Sauron, trying to sound displeased.

He reached for a tea cup and stopped as he noticed an oversized card in the middle of the tray.

"What's this? 'A little sunshine and love to brighten your day'?! What is the meaning... why would anyone... what have I done to deserve thiiiiissss?"

Sauron, despite the presence of the elves and his Mouth, broke down in tears.

"Um, sir?" said the Mouth awkwardly. Emotion always made him uncomfortable.

"Aw, it's okay," said Lindir, wishing he didn't always forget to carry a handkerchief for emergencies like this.

"My lord," said Erestor, first surprised and then assuming a professional attitude, "you seem to be suffering a nervous breakdown."

"I'm f-f-f-f-ine," sobbed Sauron. "I-i-it's just these elves... Nobody cares about how I feeeeeel."

"I care," said Lindir.

"Maybe I could get you... uh..." began the Mouth, trying to think of what could possibly cheer his master up.

"I know what I need," sniffed Sauron. "The Witch King! He'd get these elves into line. Where is he, anyway? I haven't seen him for days. Mouth, call him up and tell him I need him here right away."

"Yes, sir," said the Mouth obediently.

"Hi, dad," said Legolas, answering his phone. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm in Ithilien."

"We can't waste any more time," said Aragorn, losing patience. "Come on whoever's coming. Legolas can catch up later."

"Not so fassssst!" hissed a voice as a fell beast landed directly in their path. On its back perched the witch king.

"You!" shouted Eowyn.

"You!" gasped the witch king. "I - um - I mean, I didn't see you - uh, what are you doing here?" His gloved hands fiddled nervously with the reins.

"We're going to steal the ring from Sauron and you'd better not try to stop us," said Eowyn, putting her hands on her hips.

"Sorry, dad; I'm having trouble hearing you. What was that you said?" said Legolas in the background.

"Was it you who took over my nazgul?" demanded the witch king evasively. "I might have known you were at the bottom of it. Well, I'll teach you a thing or two."

AC/DC music started emanating from his robes and giving a start, the witch king hurriedly pulled out his phone.

"Hello? Oh, it's you. What does the master want?"

"Yes, I did get your letter, but I can't come home right now," Legolas went on in the background. "It's complicated, okay?"

"I'll be back soon. I have some unfinished business to attend to with an impudent little Rohirrim," said the witch king. He covered the receiver on his phone and turned back to Eowyn with a beseeching look that, unfortunately for him, was completely invisible.

"Give me back my nazgul, pleeease? I need them."

"NO WAY! I'm their rightful ruler now, since I destroyed you. And speaking of which, we still have a score to settle."

"Yes, yes, I killed your uncle, but you killed me, so let's call the bargain fair." The witch king put the phone to his ear again. "What's that? What's wrong with the master? He's got his ring of power, hasn't he? What more could he want?"

"I'm not talking about my stupid uncle!" shouted Eowyn. "You picked me up by my throat and it's still sore. NOBODY does that to me!"

"Dad, I can't explain it right now," said Legolas. "Can this just wait until we get a chance to skype? Okay, yeah maybe it does involve a dwarf, but it's not like you think it is."

"That dragon belongs to ME," said Eowyn to the witch king. "Get off of it right now."

"Just a minute," pleaded the witch king. "Hello, are you still there? Tell the master I'll be there soon. What? What kind of breakdown? Are you sure? That sounds serious."

"You're doing what?" said Legolas. "No, dad. You can't do that. You can't simply walk into Mordor. You'll get killed. Dad, please listen to me."

"Give him some Benedryl. Try to keep him quiet until I get there."

"Will you two quit freaking out and get off your stupid phones?" yelled Eowyn, who couldn't handle it anymore.

"You don't understand; this is an emergency!" said Legolas and the witch king in the same breath. They both stopped and stared at each other in silence, aware for the first time of the other's presence.

"Okay," said Aragorn. "Let's try this again. Everyone who's coming to Mordor follow me." He started off, but had to stop when he reached the fell beast, which was blocking the road.

"None of you are going anywhere," said the witch king. "My master is Lord of the Ring of Power and he will destroy all of you puny - eeeek!" He broke off with a shriek as Eowyn took a step towards him, and the next instant the fell beast was winging its way back to Minas Morgul as fast as the witch king could make it fly.

"Just let him wait! I'll get him yet!" said Eowyn darkly.

"Wow," said an awed voice at her side. "You were so strong."

"Go away, Faramir," said Eowyn. She turned and saw that it wasn't Faramir at all - it was dead!Grima. "EEEK!" she screamed, jumping into dead!Haldir's arms. "Kill it!"

Eowyn was so heavy Haldir passed out.

Aragorn started pulling his hair out. "Gandalf!" he said. "Maybe you'd better lead this expedition."

"Fine," said Gandalf. "Everybody get in line. Now we're going to walk to Mordor quickly and quietly with no rap music or flashdancing. PIPPIN! I said GET IN LINE!"

I forgot about the witch king for several chapters, so I randomly threw him into this one. I know the fellowship is still no closer to Mordor, but at least Thranduil is. XD

By the way, there's something really cool called Fandom Friday. On the last Friday of every month you draw your fandom's symbol on your wrist, wear one of your fandom T-shirts or cosplay for your fandom, and of course tell all your friends what's going on! I'm hoping this thing will spread and it will be a way for fans to connect in random places like the grocery store. XD So I know... late notice... but we can all do this next month, right? Normal world, here we come!