We fell into a routine, Zuko and I. Some nights, he couldn't get away from the palace or his family long enough to train me, so on those nights I would practice on my own. I'd head to the mountains right when the moon replaced the sun and gave myself over to my bending. It was actually soothing to stand there in the clearing with nothing and no one but the sound of the waves and the fire streaming from my palms. But on those nights when I'd given up on him meeting me only to look up and see him standing at the mouth of the pass, watching me, that small smile on his face that was exclusively mine, those were the nights when I could truly get lost. He always came late, only a few hours before sunrise, but it was enough. We always trained first. He'd show me a new move and he'd drill until I got it right, then we'd spar until I could do it under pressure, which sometimes led to bitter insults and one of us leaving in a huff, but most times it led to us tangling together on the cold floor of the clearing, releasing every bit of pent up anger, frustration, helplessness, longing, and fear. The thing was, Zuko knew the worst about me. He knew what I was ashamed of, what I feared, what I hated. And he still wanted me. That's something that I knew was precious, despite what he was.

I never asked him about his life, or what he'd done that day. I just felt so removed from the Fire Nation itself when I was in that clearing with him. I had a purpose and I was fulfilling it, but I could finally do it without that devastating anger that filled me every time I left him and went back to my shack. It was relaxing, and that's something I almost forgot how to feel. Things stayed this way for weeks, and I was… well, not happy, but content. I wasn't in any huge rush to get back to Kenshin, He was the only goal I had for myself, so I could easily spend as much time as it took to master every method of firebending that would allow me to kill him. I tried not to think too much about timeframes.

""""

As soon as dusk settled over the stacks, I readied myself to head to the mountains. Since I'd had to start sleeping during the day to make up for meeting Zuko at night, I had to take the time to bathe and dress in the dimming light. Once I returned from the bathhouse and gathered what little provisions I wanted to bring, it was full dark. I reached out to brush my door cloth aside, but it fluttered before I could touch it. I pulled back with a gasp as Zuko slipped through the doorway, his head lowered and his hood pulled down over his face.

"Zuko, what are you doing coming here so—"

Before I could finish scolding him, he threw his hood back and grabbed either side of my face, holding me still so he could slam his mouth to mine. I whimpered in surprise, but he didn't give me any time to adjust. I tore my mouth away to tell him to stop, but his mouth just moved to my neck, his lips raking desperately over my skin.

"Zuko!" I meant to sound stern, but his name slipped past my lips in a gasp.

"Shh…" he whispered against my neck. He pushed me backwards, his breaths hot as his lips travelled back to mine. My heel caught on the edge of my pallet and we fell in an undignified tangle of roving lips and hands onto the straw cushioned with fur. I was caught up in him again, and I couldn't help but let desire crowd out that ever-present fear of discovery.

It was so dangerous for us to do this in my shack. The walls were so thin and the entrances so insecure that my neighbors probably knew from that first gasp that I had male company. This is why we met in the mountains, where we could abandon every sense of discretion or shame. We had a silent agreement to always save ourselves for those stolen hours in the clearing. In fact, Zuko hadn't been inside the shack since he showed me the clearing. Now, he was here, caressing me with a desperate edge. He never slowed his frantic pace as he hauled my upper body off the pallet to rip my shirt off. I fell back with a gasp as he devoured my exposed skin with lips, tongue, and teeth. I was startled by the ferocity, but so lost in the pleasure and risk that it almost overwhelmed my logic. Almost.

We'd always been equal partners in sex, but this was different. In the brief periods of clarity in my mind, I realized that he was upset, that this wasn't just arousal. I'd glance down to see his face pinched with concentration, not abandonment. His palms burned my skin, telling me that he wasn't in control of his bending. I tried to caress him and he would pull my hand away, unwilling to let me give any pleasure back. I lay bare beneath him, but he wouldn't let me strip any of his clothes off him.

That niggling unease was starting to drill through the pleasure of Zuko kissing a path down my stomach and between my hips, but my body was quivering in anticipation. The first time he'd done this, I'd come apart so explosively that that he'd had to hold my hands at my sides as fire burst unbidden from my fingertips. I tried to tell myself to just lay back and enjoy it, but I couldn't stop worrying about him. I gripped my fingers into his hair and said, "Zuko, stop."

I felt him smirk against my skin as his mouth moved again. I couldn't stifle a gasp and he said, "You don't want me to stop."

I pushed my hands flat against the pallet and scooted up and away from him, kicking him gently away from my lap. The moonlight was bright enough for me to see him frowning at me, his expression almost angry, his jaw muscles flexing. I pulled my clothes on as he glared at me. Once I was covered, I shuffled close again. When my legs were entwined with his and I was leaning my shoulder against the wall, his expression cleared a little. The anger leaked out and I was unsurprised, but still confused, to see sadness take its place. I put a hand against his face and his eyes fluttered closed.

"What's going on?" I murmured.

He took a shaky breath and mumbled, "I didn't do it."

My brows drew down in confusion. "What?"

He shook his head, trying to gather his words. "Yesterday, my uncle sent me a note. He said I needed to learn about how my great-grandfather died…"

"Sozin," I said, my voice level. I dropped my hand from his face. When his eyes opened, I could see they were almost pleading, waiting for my reaction. I didn't want to hear about Fire Lord Sozin. I didn't want to be reminded that the man I let into my bed was related to the person who was responsible for the war. This wasn't what our relationship was supposed to be, but I'd been the one to demand answers. I braced myself mentally and nodded for him to continue.

"It wasn't about Sozin… or not completely. Do you know of Avatar Roku?" I nodded again. Everyone knew of the Avatar who died before he could prevent the Fire Nation from attacking. Zuko took a deep breath and said, "Then you know he was from the Fire Nation… He was my great-grandfather, too."

Zuko told me the whole story and I sat frozen, my eyes wide as he recounted the history of the two best friends who grew up to be enemies. That one of the most evil men in history could have been a close friend to the Avatar was incredible. Zuko's voice was soft and his eyes were trained on his hands, clenched in his lap and resting on my shin. I didn't think to take my legs out of his lap as I listened to the amazing tale.

"…I had to talk to Uncle about it, I was so confused because his note said that the history would reveal how my great-grandfather died, but Sozin was still alive at the end. I snuck into the prison—"

"Wait, I thought that was too dangerous!"

"I had to. Rei, I just needed to know why… Anyway, my uncle talked to me. He told me that Roku was also my great-grandfather…" his voice trailed off and I waited for him to say something. Finally, his head fell against the wall and his eyes closed as he said, "I never felt like I did anything right in my life. Ever since I was a kid, nothing I did was ever good enough or what I was supposed to do. I never knew it, but Uncle was the only one who ever really understood."

"So he told you about your two great-grandfathers?"

"Yeah, he said it was to understand the sins of our family… and what I have to do. I'm sorry for kind of attacking you… I guess I just wanted to clear my head. I can't stop thinking about all this, what it means."

My eyes unfocused as I remembered what Iroh had told me about Zuko. He must have felt that Zuko was taking too long to figure it out, so he sent him a nudge. We were both quiet for along time, both lost in our own thoughts. Then, I remembered something.

"Zuko? Before, you said 'I didn't do it'. What did you mean?"

He studied me for what felt like an eternity before he said, "It's strange. I almost don't want to tell you…" When I didn't say anything, he sighed and said, "Rei, I didn't… and nobody can know this, but… when I was in Ba Sing Se, when I found my sister and we fought the Avatar…" My stomach dropped and I felt sick. What could possibly be worse than killing the Avatar? He dropped his head in shame. "The Avatar is alive."

The breath left my body and it felt like my lungs had squeezed shut. My mouth worked as I tried to breath in gasps of air. Finally, I recovered enough to rip my legs away from him with a glare. I growled, "Don't you dare lie to me, not about that."

His hands rubbed at his face and his shoulders hunched over. "I'm not lying. I didn't even take the shot, Azula did," he was the very picture of shame. "But he survived."

"How?" I choked.

"The waterbender, Katara. She's a healer and she had spirit waters. I know he's alive, and I think Azula does, too."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I was slowly recovering from the initial shock, and I was surprised to feel a stab of betrayal.

"I almost did. You hated me so much and I hated myself for hiding it, but… the only reason I was allowed to come home was because I killed the Avatar. Rei, I'm sorry, I was just so tired of being out there. For years, all I could think about was getting home—"

"You didn't kill the Avatar?"

He looked up at me and shook his head. "No. I didn't."

My eyes filled with unfamiliar tears and my chest swelled with long-abandoned hope. For my nation, my people, my way of life. The Avatar was alive! If the Avatar was alive, the Earth Kingdom was alive. A sob escaped my throat and my arms were suddenly around Zuko's neck and I was crying into his shoulder. I could feel his muscles tense and he didn't put his arms around me.

"Rei, stop." He gently pulled me away from him. I wiped my eyes as he said, "It doesn't feel right to celebrate. It wasn't because I'm noble, it's because I'm a coward. I knew I should have taken the shot, but my sister had to do it for me." He stood up to leave, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.

"Listen to me. It's easy to kill, to follow orders. What's hard is knowing which orders shouldn't be followed. It would have been wrong to kill the Avatar, this war is wrong. So much suffering can never be for a good cause. You didn't take the shot because you're better than they are, not because you're a coward. Your uncle knows it, and I think you should, too." I was so caught up in my emotions that I didn't think to filter what I was saying, but it was all true. My anger toward Zuko was based on his family, his bending, and his murder of the Avatar. He couldn't help the first, it was just hypocritical to hate him for being a firebender at that point, and now I'd found out he hadn't been responsible for the Avatar's alleged death. I was running out of hatred for him.

He pulled his hand out of mine with a grimace. The words spilled out of him, "You don't understand! I never knew what I was doing. I regretted not taking that shot! I knew the second Katara escaped with the Avatar's body that she would bring him back, and I didn't say anything. I'm so confused; I wanted her to fail, but I knew she wouldn't and I was happy about it, too. Then Azula… she's such a monster. She gave me the credit for the kill because she knew I would get the blame when he returned."

"But, Zuko, everything is working out right, don't you see that? With the Avatar, we can win the war!"

"I'm not on his side!" he almost shouted. I reached up to cover his mouth with my hand, and he pulled it away. He hushed his voice, but it didn't lose any intensity as he continued, "I don't know what I want, Rei, but I have already betrayed everyone. I'm not even who you think I am now. I sent an assassin after the Avatar." His eyes widened as he realized what he said.

"You… when?"

"When I first got here. I haven't heard back, so he must have failed…" he shook his head and dropped his eyes, but my heart beat again with relief. "I'm the prince of the Fire Nation. That's what I'll always be. I don't have a choice…"

"You always have a choice, Zuko. That's what Iroh was trying to tell you." I rose to my knees and took his face into my hands. "You decide what it means to be the prince." I lowered my face to his and kissed him with every ounce of the emotion that was rushing through me. He hadn't killed the Avatar, he was confused about his part in the Fire Nation, and I was falling in love with him.

""""

We were toying with danger again as I lay on my side, my back snuggled up against his front. His arm was firm around my waist and our bodies were pressed together, skin to skin, reminding me that this couldn't last while at the same time tempting me to make sure it did. I could feel his steady breaths moving the hair at my neck and I knew he was asleep. We'd never slept together like this before; it was too dangerous. I knew I should wake him, the moon was sinking lower in the sky and he had to get back to the palace, but I couldn't. Strangely, my mind flashed back to a moment of my childhood when I'd fallen asleep under a tree behind our home. My father's arms cradled me, my mind still in that place that was heavy with sleep, and brought me back inside to my pallet and laid me down. From then on, I'd always pretend to fall asleep outside so that my father would have to carry me into the hut. I'd felt so safe and loved while he held me.

With Zuko's arms around me, I had that feeling again. I knew it was stupid and I knew that it wouldn't last, but I cherished it anyway, and was dreading the morning. Before I realized it, I'd let out a heavy sigh. Zuko's arm tightened reflexively around me and he stirred against my back.

"You alright?" he murmured sleepily.

"Yeah, sorry if I woke you," I whispered.

I craned my neck to glance back at him and he gave me a sleepy smile that quickly turned to a frown as he glanced out the window. "I should go."

I turned over under his arm so that I faced him. "Wait, no. Please, just stay a little longer," I blurted. The sleep cleared from his face as he looked at me in surprise. Finally, he burrowed back down into the fur and curled the arm my head was resting on around my shoulders. With my face pressed into his neck, there was nothing I could see, smell, or feel that wasn't Zuko.

"Rei…" he said, his voice hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"Who was your first?"

I was surprised at the question, but answered him right away. "A boy in my village. We were friends as children. When my mother died, I was all alone and I… I didn't know how to handle it. He helped me forget." Shan. He'd been the one to first show me that my life hadn't stopped with my mother's death.

"Did you love him?"

"He was my best friend and he'd been there for me when no one else was… I loved him for that. But I wasn't in love with him, no."

"Do you still see him?"

I buried my face closer into Zuko's neck. "Shan was drafted into the army when we were eighteen. He died at Gaoling."

He didn't say anything, just waited for me to get my breathing under control. When I did, I tried to recapture the lighter mood and said, "Okay, now you tell me. Who was yours?"

He hesitated before saying simply, "Mai."

We both stiffened against each other and suddenly his arms felt awkward around me. I licked my dry lips and sighed. "Sorry," I said.

"I started it. I should probably go." I nodded and let him climb over me to get his clothes. He slipped out of my doorway with a quick, "See you tonight."

A/N: That last little scene has been in my head since I started this, and I thought it fit well there.

I hope you guys are sticking with me; I know it's been a while since my last update. I lied when I thought school wouldn't affect this at all.

I miss your reviews! Please give me more before I go into withdrawal.

Also, if you're a little worried about the pacing of this story, don't worry as it will be picking up significantly in the next few chapters.