There are no words to describe how this weekend made me feel. I'm astonished. I'm amazed. I'm in awe. I'm in… love. I hadn't wandered around the tangled web of thoughts in my mind long enough to figure it out until Saturday afternoon. When we kissed. Connor and I sat in my backyard and kissed. Connor. Connor and Me. I had never planned on talking about my feelings towards him with him, or anyone for that matter. But life is unexpected, and I did not expect Connor to reveal to me that he'd been abused by his father. The final straw was when he was crying into my chest. Weeping. I just knew that I had to comfort him, I didn't know how I was going to, but I just had to do something. Never did I expect that I would kiss him first, granted that it was on his cheeks and forehead, but I had never even imagined a scenario where he would kiss me on the lips first. That moment, though, I can never forget it. We sat on the luscious green grass in each others hold. Faces stained with tears, legs stained with dirt; yet there we were. Lips sending sparks down my spine. His touch sending red flags to my brain—Get out of here right now. All this will ever lead to is hurt. Mayday Mayday!—but I didn't care. Connor's tender touch also sent butterflies to my heart. I didn't know what Connor and I's relationship would turn into after this, but I didn't care. Because in that moment, we were infinite. It was just us, in my backyard, in a loving embrace, kissing. And it was because of all of this that I woke up Monday morning with not a care in the world.

(…)

My alarm went off at its usual time of 6 am, but what was unusual was in the manner I awoke. My eyes fluttered open and I smiled. I removed the covers from my body and I swung my legs over the side of the bed frame. Placing my feet on the floor, I lowered my head and placed it into my hands. Smiling at the floor, I began to sing to myself.

"So this is love, Mmmmmm

So this is love

So this is what makes life divine

I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm

And now I know

The key to all heaven is mine—"

All the while I was waltzing around my room, and into the bathroom. I turned on the water and whipped up my hairbrush from the sink, using it as a microphone:

"My heart has wings, Mmmmmm

And I can fly

I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky

So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of

Mmmmmm

Mmmmmm

So this is love."

Stepping into the shower, I began to hum another tune. I had never been so hopelessly bemused before. No matter how hard I tried, I simply could not wipe the smile off my face. I must have looked like I complete buffoon, but I didn't care. Getting out of the shower, I styled my hair with gel, and in a way that Connor had once complemented. I also wore a striped button down shirt and a nice pair of jeans, and I topped my look off with my Playboy cologne. Don't judge, its smell is irresistible. I cascaded down the stairs, taking two at a time, whistling, when I was greeted by Stef.

"Good morning, Jude! You seem awfully cheerful." she noted.

"Yeah, I've just been in a great mood recently." I chirped, pouring myself a bowl a cereal.

"Oh, really? Any particular reason? Something happen? Better yet, someone?" she questioned.

"Nope." I lied, smiling into my bowl as I devoured a spoonful.

After stomaching the rest of my breakfast, I put the bowl in the sink and was on my way out the door. I put my key in the ignition and started the car. I didn't shift the car into reverse right away, instead I sat there staring blankly out of the windshield. I didn't know how Connor and I would interact today, but I was surely hoping it wouldn't be awkward.

Walking to my locker, I put in the combo and popped the lock off. I had my head inside of my locker seizing my books, when I felt someone walk up beside me. I didn't even have to ask. I knew who it was.

"Hey." he spoke.

Taking my head out of my locker and closing it, I turned towards Connor.

"Hi." I replied, smiling. "How are you?"

"Great." he countered, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"This weekend was… fun." I smiled, rolling my bottom lip under the top.

"Yeah. I'm really glad I came over." he cooed, smiling at me, then shifting his gaze to the floor.

Say something Jude. Don't just keep up this mindless banter! Say something meaning full. I glanced at Connor, who was biting his lip, still averting his gaze from my own. Oh God. That's so hot. He's biting his lip. Just look at the way his hair is spiked, and his hazel jewels are— SNAP OUT OF IT JUDE!

"So—" I was interrupted by the bell, and we began to walk towards our first period class.

"You were saying?"

"Oh, yeah—umm. I just wanted to say that I'm really glad you came over Saturday. We haven't hung out like that in a while. It was really nice. I'm sorry about the way I acted when you went out with Daria, I reacted in the complete wrong way." I apologized. At the mention of Daria's name, it seemed like Connor got a lot tenser, and he simply nodded as I spoke.

"It's cool." he answered dryly as we entered the classroom. Taking our seats, the conversation ceased, and we didn't talk for the rest of the period, and seconds after the bell rang, he bolted. I figured he had reason, so I didn't think anything of it.

(…)

Standing in this lunch line was dreadful. There were way too many kids crammed together, and there was a sticky feeling in the air given off by the steam. I just wanted to and sit down with Taylor and Connor. Shoving my way through to freedom, I started to head over to my lunch table when I stopped dead in my tracks. If this had been a cartoon, there would have been some definitely skid marks imprinted onto the cafeteria's tile floor. Staring straight ahead, sitting at the table with Taylor and Connor was…Daria. Now, I wasn't too happy she was there, but her mere presence at the table was not what made me go off. Her arms were weaved between Connor's arm and her head rested on his shoulder. The sight of this made my throat close up. I felt my face heat up and tears began to well up in my eyes. The room felt like it was getting smaller, and I was having a hard time breathing. The muscles in my throat protruded from my skin as I sucked in my lips. I took in a large gust of air through my nose, and I began to turn to make my way out of the cafeteria. As I was approaching the door to leave and compose myself, Taylor waved me over from the table, and Daria and Connor turned towards me. Connor's eyes met mine, and I felt the stinging of tears as my vision got blurry. Connor looked away, obviously noting what was occurring.

I walked over to the table and sat down next to Taylor. I didn't make a noise, and I kept my head down, only opening my mouth to put food in it. The others were engaging in conversation, but I felt no need to comment on anything. I was feeling some type of way, and there was no way I was going to feel any better stuck at the table Connor and Daria.

"So, how was your date!?" Taylor questioned.

I found myself glaring at her. If looks could kill, I might've had a dead Taylor next to me. I clenched my jaw and my eyes darted to stare her down.

"Oh, it was fantastic! The movie was great, and afterwards, we got ice cream and took a stroll on the beach under the moon!" Daria tweeted.

I rolled my eyes and began to violently stab my lunch roll with a plastic knife. I could feel that they were all staring at me but I really didn't care.

I could hear Taylor's eyes leave me as she hesitantly questioned, "So—did you guys—kiss?"

Neither of them said anything, but I covertly shifted my eyes up to look at them, and Daria began to blush. She looked over at Connor, and then she kissed him. My jaw dropped and I sprung out of my seat. They jolted apart and everyone stared at me, obviously questioning my actions.

"I uh—I have to go to class early. We have a test I haven't studied for." I stuttered.

"Wait, Jude, I'm in that class. We don't have a test!" Taylor contested.

"Oh—well, I still better get going." I bolted out of the cafeteria and into the bathroom by my next class. I opened the door to the large stall by the furthest wall and fell into the corner. I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I tried to muffle my whimpers by putting the sleeve of my shirt to my face, but it did no good. My breathing became erratic and I convulsed within the confines of the stall. This could not be happening. How could I have been so stupid. I knew this would never work out. Connor would never like me the way I liked him. I heard someone enter the restroom and a held my breath, trying not to make any noise.

"Jude, let me in." Connor. Why was he here. Did he want to inflict further heartache upon me? I would not be able to take anymore. But, I still got up from the floor and unlocked the stall. Connor came in and slumped down next to me.

"What's wrong?" He questioned. My head jolted up from its resting place on my knees. My jaw dropped and my eyes got wide.

"Are you fucking serious, Connor? Are you really asking me that question?! You know goddamn well what is wrong!" I spewed. I had never cursed that much in one sentence before, but I was beyond upset. There were so many emotions swirling through my head that I wasn't even sure how I was able to form that sentence.

"You come over to my house to make up for ditching me, you tell me you don't even like Daria, and then to top it all off—well—you know what happened! And then I show up to lunch and you're sitting with her, then ya'll kiss? Did I miss something, Connor? Did something change from Saturday in my backyard to now?" I wailed.

Nothing. He didn't say a word. He just clutched his knees and stared down at his feet.

"Ok, I get it." I conceded. I got up to leave when he grabbed my hand.

"Look, Jude. You just don't get it. What happened on Saturday shouldn't have, and I don't know why it did. I was vulnerable and scared and you were—I don't know— you were just there!" he wailed.

"Oh, ok." I whispered. "Well, um, next time you need someone to feel sorry for you, why don't you make sure it's Daria, because I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" Connor cried.

"THIS!" I motioned my arms back and forth between the two of us. "Whatever this is. You always become distant when something that isn't masculine happens between us. I'm tired of being the one to suffer when you're the one that always starts it! You can't keep expecting me to act like everything is ok between us when you finally decide that you've proved your masculinity and you're ready to resume our friendship. I deserve better, Connor. And maybe you're right. As far as I'm concerned—we didn't kiss." I said through clenched teeth.

"Good." Connor said as he clenched his jaw. "Now can we just put this behind us and get back to being best friends?" He questioned. You cannot be serious. Wow.

"You know what Connor, maybe this'll make you feel even better. Let's just pretend you never even came over on Saturday, and maybe—just maybe—then I'll be able to look at you. Don't hold your breath on this whole friend thing." I spat.

I left the bathroom and walked to my next class. I didn't even bother to look behind me to see Connor when I left. Sure I felt bad about what I'd said, but it needed to be done. I should've known that this wouldn't end up happily for me. Things didn't ever seem to work out for Callie and me, and it wasn't fair. It seemed that all Connor knew how to do was to play with my emotions. Well, I was done. I wasn't going to give him the opportunity to do it again.