Wunderkind4006: Thank you! I'm so glad you're enjoying it. Yes, it must end because it's already super long and I'm running out of stuff to make happen. :P Ranger's Scop: My sentiments exactly. Sixty-Four K: Yes, Legolas is, isn't he? :P And Elrond wasn't corrupted by the ring when Isildur had it, so he probably wouldn't be if he actually got hold of it himself, right? Anyway, that would have made the story too complicated. XD LOTCR: Sauron's socks probably have little skulls on them. Or maybe rings. XD Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Don't worry, no one will die. Even if it may look a bit like someone does at the end of this chapter...

Chapter 26: Revenge of the Hobbit

Arwen hated having to stay in Barad-dur. I mean really, what normal girl had to live in a creepy tower with her dad AND her grandparents? The boredom was torture—she'd already been in this horrible place for three hours and she didn't know how much longer she could take it without going insane.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she'd had Erestor or Lindir to talk to, but they always fled precipitately whenever she walked into the room. Hmm, she'd heard Thranduil tell Lindir to clean Sauron's room. Maybe she could corner him there.

Arwen danced lightly up the steps humming a carefree tune. She reached the dark lord's bedroom and stopped, staring at the mess. Socks strewed the floor, black robes were thrown around the room in random disorder, and in the middle of the bed, wrapped up to his ears in a king-size blanket, sat the dark lord himself, nibbling a chocolate bar.

"What happened?" asked Arwen.

"Nothing," Sauron growled. "I was just looking for my ring."

"Did you find it?"

"No, I didn't. So then I really needed cheering up so I started looking for my secret chocolate stash."

"I like chocolate!" said Arwen, her eyes lighting up.

"Well, too bad because I'm not sharing."

Arwen pouted.

"Where's Lindir?" she asked.

"I made him leave. What do you want him for?"

"Oh...nothing," said Arwen awkwardly. She looked at the Dark Lord, bundled up in his comforter. He was kind of cute, actually... and a Dark Lord sure beat a common minstrel...

"Sauron," said Arwen, batting her eyelashes, "do you know you have many of the qualities I've always looked for in a man?"

"Nice try, but I'm still not sharing my chocolate," said Sauron.

"Who said anything about chocolate? I need to get married."

Sauron choked on his chocolate bar. "MARRIED?" His face blanched and he started to tremble. Was this elleth actually... hitting on him? Quick, think of something fast. Get her out of the room and hide...

There was a loud bang as the door slammed against the wall. Sauron turned to see Eowyn stalking into the room. With a strangled squeak he pulled the blanket over his head.

"What do you want?" asked Arwen.

"Outta my way," said Eowyn. "I've come to teach that creep who's boss here. Where's the ring?"

"You're scaring him," said Arwen. "And no wonder. Ew, what are you wearing? Do you call that fashion? It's so pre-teen."

"Shut up. It's cool. You're just jealous."

"I'm not jealous!"

Sauron poked his head out from under the covers. As scary as Eowyn and Arwen were separately, it was interesting to watch them fight. Sauron found himself placing mental bets on who would come out on top. ...Until he remembered that either outcome was bad news for him. He started pulling his head back under the covers but stopped as the Witch King slithered in.

"He's after me again!" gasped the Witch King. "Please just tell them all to leave me alone!"

Moved with pity for his ill-fated minion, Sauron made a feeble effort to help him out. "Who's after you?" he asked.

He'd no sooner asked it when Eomer burst into the room. He would have banged the door if Eowyn hadn't already banged it back as far as it could go.

"Where is -" Eomer began, but cut himself short as he caught sight of Eowyn. "There you are at last!" he shouted. "I've been looking everywhere for you! My darling sister! I was so worried!"

Sauron made a face as Eomer flung himself at Eowyn. But his horror was turned to pleasure as he watched Eomer turn Eowyn over his knee and give her a sound spanking.

"I TOLD you not to fight in the battle!" said Eomer. "Now look at all the trouble you've caused me."

"OW STOP IT!" screamed Eowyn.

Sauron covered his ears with the pillow.

Thranduil had finished his inspection and was heading back downstairs. Behind him, at a discreet distance, Aragorn and Legolas followed, treading carefully lest the elvenking be alerted to their presence.

"I don't understand," said Aragorn. "Why do we care if he finds out we're here?"

"He might punish me for not coming when he told me to," whispered Legolas. "Besides, I'm trying to rescue Gimli. He wouldn't understand that and he wouldn't like it."

"Oh he wouldn't, would he?" came a voice from behind them.

They both spun around to confront Gimli himself.

"Gimli!" exclaimed Legolas. "You're still alive!" He ran forward to embrace his friend and narrowly missed decapitation by a blow from Gimli's axe. Fortunately (being Legolas) he ducked just in time and the axe hit the wall instead.

"Not so fast!" said Gimli. "Traitor elf scum!"

"Wha-" began Legolas.

"Prepare to die, vermin!"

"What did I do?" gasped Legolas, nearly fainting from surprise.

"What did you do?" repeated Gimli. "Just tricked me into coming on a silly quest with you. Just let that witch work her wiles on my innocent and naive mind. Just pretended to be my friend after calling me names. And a whole lot of other things I can't remember right now. You can ask the Mouth of Sauron to fill you in on particulars."

"You believed him? But he's evil—of course he's lying."

"Never trust an elf," said Gimli darkly.

"I—I can't believe it," said Legolas, breaking down into tears. "I came all this way to rescue you and you—call me names!"

"Gimli, look at this from a reasonable angle," said Aragorn, realising it was up to his cool head to save the day. "First, Legolas couldn't have tricked you into coming on the quest because you were enemies then. Secondly, he's never been as huge a fan of Galadriel as you were. Thirdly, he called you names long ago before he'd had a chance to meet you and find out how nice you really were. So if you'd please stop being emotional-"

"Emotional?" shouted Gimli. "I NEVER GET EMOTIONAL. I AM AS COOL AS A CUCUMBER!"

"Then why are you shouting at meeeeee?" sobbed Legolas.

"Don't act all innocent! I trusted you and you LIED to me!"

"Look, can we talk about this later?" asked Aragorn.

"Ha!" said Gimli in a sinister tone. "I have waited for my revenge long enough. This. Ends. Here." He began to swing his axe in a circle until it whistled.

"Gimli, wait—I can explain..." began Legolas.

He was cut short by a roar of rage from Gimli who chose that precise moment to raise his axe over his head and rush at them with murderous intent. Elf and ranger discreetly fled down the corridor, deciding to reason with Gimli when a considerable distance of time and space had elapsed between them.

They were running past Sauron's bedroom when Arwen burst out and nearly ran head first into Aragorn.

"My love!" she exclaimed. "At last!"

"Sorry, can't talk now-" began Aragorn.

"Why not? And where have you been all this time?"

"Later, sweetieeeee!" shouted Aragorn over his shoulder as he kept running.

In Sauron's bedroom Eowyn was still shrieking in pain as Eomer paddled her soundly.

"Now you know this hurts us as much as it does you, Eowyn," said the Witch King, who was enjoying it. "But you know you must learn your lesson. Your brother can't just let you go off fighting and killing people when you were told not to, you know."

"I can get you a wooden spoon in case your hand is starting to hurt," said the Mouth helpfully to Eomer.

"What are you doing?" gasped Faramir, coming into the room just then and looking horrified.

"HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!" screamed Eowyn.

Faramir blinked.

"I'lllll saaaaave youuuuu!" cried a thin, rasping little voice as dead!Grima leaped on Eomer.

"No! I will!" Faramir cried as he leaped on dead!Grima.

The Mouth and the Witch King cheered as dead!Hama, Theoden, and Theodred appeared and pitched in to help Eomer out. Sauron put earplugs into his ears.

"Do you think he's still following us?" whispered Aragorn from behind the potted plant where he was hiding.

"I don't know," Legolas replied. "I just can't believe he'd do that to me. He tried to kill me—he...he..." Legolas broke off in sniffles.

"Hush!" said Aragorn. He jumped as a splotch of paint landed on his ear. Glancing up he saw Lady Galadriel on a scaffold painting the wall overhead a weird shade of mint green.

"Lindir!" shouted Galadriel. "Where are you? I need you to move the scaffold again."

"Do you require assistance?" asked Aragorn politely.

Galadriel looked down at him, screamed, and lost her balance. With a great deal of pain and effort, Aragorn caught her (after which he never again used the word light in conjunction with her name).

"Oh, my heroes!" she gasped. "I knew you'd come to rescue me someday! I knew my pleas would not fall upon deaf ears!"

"They will be deaf if you don't stop that shouting," said Aragorn, forgetting to be polite.

"Tut, you sound like Gandalf," said Galadriel, bopping him on the nose. "Now take me downstairs, please. I'd like to get away from here as soon as possible."

"Why didn't you just leave sooner then?" asked Legolas. "The door wasn't locked."

"Because I was waiting for someone to rescue me, of course!" said Galadriel.

Merry and Pippin peered into the kitchen. The tower of Barad-dur was an interesting place to explore they both thought. They'd already made several exciting discoveries, such as the king-sized water bed and cable television. But the kitchen was naturally the prime subject of interest, especially as a delightful smell was wafting out of it.

They saw two orcs hard at work at a butcher's block at the counter, attempting to slice something that looked vaguely like a large banana.

"What are you doing?" asked Pippin.

"The shredded cheese got stuck together in the freezer," said one of the orcs. "We can't get it in small enough pieces to go on the pizza."

"Pizza?" said Merry. "Where?"

"Can we help?" asked Pippin more diplomatically.

"Sure. You can chop up the mushrooms over there in the sink."

Merry and Pippin looked at each other with wide eyes. "MUSHROOMS!" they squealed as they raced for the sink.

Legolas and Aragorn were toting Galadriel ponderously towards the elevator (she insisted on being carried because she said it was proper when being rescued) when Arwen stepped into the corridor and barred their way.

"Aragorn," she said, her eyes shooting sparks, "tell me what is going on RIGHT NOW."

"Sweetheart," began Aragorn.

"I want to know where you've been for the past year, where is the throne of Gondor which you promised me, why I'm still single and shut up in this stupid tower with my dad, and why you're carrying grandma around like you're rescuing her or something."

"Well, as a matter of fact, dear-"

"Rescuing HER instead of ME. Explain that, ranger."

"Well..."

"Ahem," said a voice. Celeborn had just appeared behind Arwen.

"Young man," said Celeborn sternly, "that is my wife."

"Here, take her," said Aragorn eagerly.

"We need to get to the elevator," said Legolas. "Before-"

But it was too late. Even as he spoke they heard an angry clatter and Gimli appeared around the corner, charging straight for them.

"Aha! At last I have you!" exclaimed Gimli unoriginally.

Aragorn and Legolas shrieked in terror. Their path to the elevator was blocked by Arwen and Celeborn, not to mention they both knew it would be impossible to elude Gimli while toting Lady Galadriel. With pounding pulses they awaited the dreaded blow.

But just at that moment Galadriel jumped from Aragorn's aching arms and rushed upon Gimli. The other elves and ranger stared, impressed by her bravery. Galadriel was pretty intimidating, but after all, she was unarmed and Gimli had a range of axes and possibly knives concealed about his person.

Gimli's eyes grew wide and he took a step back, holding up his axe defensively.

"Come no nearer, witch!" he cried. "I am no longer spell-bound by your wiles."

"Oh, Gimli, you sweet angel!" exclaimed Galadriel. "I knew you'd come to rescue me! 3 3 3"

Mount Doom belched out black fumes as Frodo and Sam toiled up its side, struggling to reach the gate that led into the mountain. Sam was experiencing a strong sense of deja vous as he glanced back at Frodo to make sure he was still following. Frodo was walking as if in his sleep, fingering the ring and muttering.

They entered the sweltering volcano and started down the narrow bridge that led straight to the very centre.

"This is it, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "Your big moment. Don't screw it up this time."

Frodo was still muttering.

"After all, why shouldn't I keep it? It's mine, it came to me!"

Sam was growing nervous. "Hurry up!" he said.

Suddenly a small translucent form sprang from the shadows and tried to seize the ring. Frodo screamed as it lunged at him.

"My preciousssss!" shrieked dead!Gollum.

Sam dashed forward but before he could intervene, Frodo flung him aside and strangled dead!Gollum with the force.

"Good work, now get rid of it, quick!" shouted Sam.

Frodo staggered back and forth panting, as he grasped the ring tightly.

"Go on," urged Sam. "Throw it into the fire!"

Slowly Frodo regained his balance, then turned and looked up at Sam with an evil glint in his eye.

"No," he said.

Sam stared, surprised by the look of evil on Frodo's face.

"If you won't, I will!" he threatened.

Frodo grinned maniacally. "You will not take it from me!" he shouted, throwing off his cloak.

"Your anger and your lust for power have already done that!" replied Sam, throwing of his cloak and igniting his lightsaber. "You have allowed the Dark Side to twist your mind until now... now you're trying to save the very thing you swore to destroy."

"I do not fear the Dark Side as you do," said Frodo, the waves of heat emitted by the boiling lava whipping his hair as he spoke. "I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new empire."

"Your new empire?" asked Sam incredulously.

"Don't make me kill you," said Frodo, whipping out his lightsaber.

"I will do what I must," Sam replied.

"You will try," smirked Frodo.

The two hobbits rushed at each other and began to battle epically above the lava, using the force to fling inanimate objects at each other until both were black and blue. At last Sam forced Frodo out onto the very end of the ledge, pressing him further and further toward the lava below.

"It's over, Frodo!" shouted Sam above the roar of the volcano. "I have the high ground."

"You underestimate my power!" shrieked Frodo. With one hand he waved the ring in the air.

Sam gasped. "Don't try it!"

But it was too late. With a smirk, Frodo slipped the ring onto his finger and the next instant vanished. At the same instant Sam felt a rush of air as Frodo jedi-flipped over his head, but Sam's jedi instincts were unerring and with a quick flick of his wrist he jerked his lightsaber upwards.

There was a despairing scream and Frodo appeared again with an arm and both legs chopped off. He plunged towards the lava, but managed to catch hold of the edge of the stone ledge, where he hung by one hand, writhing in the waves of searing heat.

Sam stepped back, horrified.

"You were the Chosen One!" he shouted. "You were supposed to destroy the ring, not keep it!"

"I hate you!" screamed Frodo.

"I was your gardener, Mr. Frodo," said Sam sentimentally. "I loved you."

Blowing his nose on his handkerchief, he turned away and made his way out of the mountain, pursued by Frodo's haunting screams.

I love the Mustafar battle scene! Now I need to go watch it again. Yissss.

Btw, there's a great Youtube video of that scene mixed with Gandalf on the bridge of Khazad-dum. And there's another with the same scene mixed with Frodo getting his finger bitten off and falling into the lava. I based this scene heavily off of that video, actually.

And I wonder why it is that it's so easy to cross LotR with Star Wars?

News flash: Just an epilogue left and then this story is OVER!