A/N: So, like I said at the end of the last chapter, this is just a few pages telling the story from Zuko's point of view. It doesn't continue the story too much, so you can skip it if you want. I just figured I'd post it since I had it (and really like it). Hope you enjoy!

Zuko

I fell in love with Mai so easily. It was nothing, it felt like taking a breath. Everything from the first time I noticed how her hair fell against the curve of her cheek to the last time we made love before I had to leave felt so natural, natural as anything. I thought I would be back home in no time. After all, I was a child then. I was a child who thought no one had managed to find the Avatar simply because they didn't want it as badly as I did. When I was banished, my life focused on nothing but the Avatar. I was possessed by that drive. Mai fell into that beautiful dream of everything that could be if I could just find him. Everything that could ever make up my future hinged on finding the Avatar. I needed to get home. I needed my father's approval and I needed my honor. I needed to show him that I could be the son he wanted me to be. It's funny, I never once doubted that I could regain his love, until I actually found the Avatar. That's when everything started to blur.

That dream started to feel so distant that at times I lost it completely. At first, it just hurt too much to think of home. But after months, then years, away it became second nature to think of everything there as lost. They called me a fugitive, a criminal, and I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal. I never felt betrayed before then, even after my banishment. And it had been Azula who finally made me feel that way. My own sister. I'd known that she was cold and practical, but I could never do the things she does. She's just cruel. That's why I could understand what she'd done, even though I hated it, because I understood her. What made it a true betrayal was knowing that my father had always approved of everything that Azula did. If she made me a fugitive, my father's hand was signing the order. I moved even farther away from the Fire Nation.

Still, I longed for it. I never allowed myself any specifics, but I knew that going back meant going home. I had Uncle, but he wasn't my father. But after the attack from Azula, I knew I couldn't go home and it felt like a part of me died. I'd never get my honor back, I was nothing. I was mindless for a long time. I had no thoughts, just reactions. If I was hungry, I ate. If I was tired, I slept. If I was broke, I stole. If I was annoyed, I snapped. If I was sad, I snapped. If I was lonely, I snapped. All at Uncle.

When they attacked us in the woods that night, I actually relished the fight. Fighting was all instinct, it was easy. I'd practiced enough that my body just knew which moves to use, which ones would send fire right where I needed it. For the first time since the North Pole, really, I felt like I had a purpose. Uncle and I worked together seamlessly, but it wasn't enough. There were too many and I felt the heat from their fire slicing across me. I blacked out and I thought it was death that pulled me under. The last thought that went through me was "Good." I'd had enough.

I heard her voice first. It was low, but strong. My mother's face rushed into my mind as she spoke. I couldn't process her words, she was drifting in and out, but I focused on it as hard as I could. The focus brought me closer to the surface, but it also brought me closer to the pain. But my subconscious thought it was a fair price for hearing my mother's voice again. When my eyes opened and I saw that the owner of that voice was not my mother, I felt tricked. I clenched my jaw against the pain and slammed up my defenses. I didn't know her, and that made her an enemy.

Then, I did know her. Hours passed into days and her light brown hair seemed like it was made of charred gold. Her hazel eyes were honest, and bold, and they made me feel exposed. Her skin was darker than mine, than Mai's, almost the same color as her hair, and she seemed like the Earth Kingdom personified. The women I'd known had all been nobles, and they smelled like flowered soaps and silk. Rei smelled like earth and medicine. I found myself leaning in when she talked, following the sway of her hair when she moved. Something in me melted to her and she just became beautiful.

Kissing her felt like some kind of vindication. She was as far from the Fire Nation as I could get, but I wanted her. Nothing else mattered for the brief seconds when her lips were on mine and I felt everything in me come alive with longing. I'd felt it before, but I never thought I could feel it again. I don't know, when I kissed her, it felt like I could have a future again. Away from the Fire Nation. When I found out that she was a firebender, I was almost disappointed. I knew then that I was always going to be a part of it. I'd never be able to leave, not without cutting away a part of myself. I didn't regret leaving that hut, or her. It had been a reprieve, but nothing more. I hated myself for thinking I could ever completely escape. It wouldn't be the last time I tried to make a new life in the Earth Kingdom, but it was the last time I ever tried to hang onto my old one.

Ba Sing Se was simultaneously the happiest and saddest I'd ever been. After that fever, I'd accepted that I wouldn't capture the Avatar. I would spend the rest of my life with Uncle, making tea, but that wasn't such a bad thing. It wasn't the future I'd worked for, but it was a good one. I didn't have Mai, but I could have somebody. I worked in the shop and I bought food with the money I'd earned and when the shop was quiet and I could hear Uncle's snore in the next room, my thoughts sometimes drifted to the firebender from the Earth Kingdom. In the days when I was just a server in a tea shop, I wondered what would have happened if I'd met Rei then. If she'd come into our shop and ordered jasmine. Probably, I wouldn't have even looked twice. It wasn't beauty that drew me to her when I was injured, it was her presence, her voice, whatever you want to call it. She was vulnerable, but able to show it. That was a strength I'd never seen before. When the sun rose over Ba Sing Se and the residents started bustling around the city, that was when I thought about Mai. Mai rose with the sun for me, Rei with the moon.

Then, I betrayed that new life. I gave in to every bit of weakness and longing inside me and I betrayed Uncle. I didn't kill the Avatar, but I wished I had. That, at least, would have been a decision. I know Azula thinks I was weak for not taking the killing shot, for forcing her to do it, and I was. Even sending the combustion assassin after the Avatar was a weakness. I was afraid of what it would mean for me if the Avatar had survived the hit in Ba Sing Se, which I knew he had. What scared me even more than that was the little seed of relief that came with the realization that the Avatar was alive.

Then there were the welcome homes, the handshakes, the bows, the gratitude. Azula and I were heroes, and I had my father's approval. My honor. Only it didn't feel honorable. I had Mai, I had my family, I had everything, but I'd allowed Uncle to go to prison so that I could have my home back. I'd sacrificed him, and I couldn't get it out of my head. No amount of congratulations and nods from my father could erase the image of Uncle sitting in that terrible cell. Then, like a cruel punishment, I found her in the crowd during my victory parade. I was being showered with love and admiration and I met her eyes through the crowd and saw nothing but all the hatred and pain I ever felt for myself. Rei.

I don't know why I had to find her again. It was easy enough to do, and I didn't really give myself time to think about it. Once inside that pitiful shack, she seemed like the only bright spot in a sea of darkness. She glowed red and her eyes shined in the dim light just like I'd remembered them. I realized then that I had missed her, and I wanted her to know it. Then, she took all of my fears and doubts and laid them out like a bed of coals in front of me. She hated me, and I really understood why, but it didn't make it hurt any less. So, I did what I always do when I'm upset or thrown off guard. I snapped. I tried to leave her alone, I tried to walk away without looking back, but I couldn't. I told her I'd return, and I did. Things became so murky that I couldn't separate my feelings. I couldn't even tell what I felt guilty about anymore, because Rei's anger was so entwined with mine. I couldn't acknowledge that I cared about her, it was impossible. I had Mai.

I don't know why I offered to teach her firebending, I knew it was a bad idea. I knew that the more time I spent with her, the more that terrible longing would grow. I seemed to want her more because she hated me, just as much as I hated myself. I could feel her hate for me, and she wasn't trying to hide it, but I could see that fire in her eyes that I felt in my chest. She wanted me, too. I'd seen the look in Mai's eyes and I couldn't help but compare the two women. I felt similar things for both, but they were so different. Mai was so reserved and I got such satisfaction from knowing that I was the only one who could get inside her walls, so similar to mine. Sex with her was like watching a flower bloom. I had to be patient, but it was so beautifully worth it to see her completely open. Rei was different. She was closed down, but for different reasons. The first time with her was explosive, unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I could feel her hate and anger with every kiss, every stroke. She never completely let me in, but that only made me want her more. I couldn't get enough, she was like some jewel I kept reaching for but never captured. She'd been hurt so badly and lost so much, and it wasn't that she was afraid to be hurt again. I think she expected to be hurt again. The reason she was so closed off was because she was so focused. I know about anger, and she had a lot of it. It's what made her a good bender. I thought that anger was the only thing that could make a powerful firebender, but I was wrong. Looking back, I think what I regret most when it comes to Rei is that I taught her how to channel her anger into her fire instead of working through it. It wasn't really my fault, I didn't know what firebending really was back then. Like Aang said, it's like a little life. Firebending is about life and warmth. If you let rage fuel your fire, it'll eventually consume you. Even after the war ended, that's something Rei just couldn't understand. She'd relied on her anger so completely for so long, that she couldn't manage without it. I could see it consuming her, but I couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't let me.

I'd hold on to her in that little shack and I'd pray that she would give up this crazy revenge plan, but I knew she wouldn't. I knew, because it was the same obsession that drove me to hunt the Avatar for years. After a while, our goals started to skew away from each other. I was losing sight of why I wanted to live in the Fire Nation with my father. I was starting to see the cruelty, the ignorance. Then, that meeting with the military leaders. The plan was so asinine, so terribly evil, I knew then that I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay in the Fire Nation and still live with myself. I had to save whatever honor I had left. I knew Mai wouldn't leave, and it made me sick to leave her, but I didn't have much right to protect her anymore. I'd dishonored her, and I couldn't ask her to forgive me and leave her family. So, I went to Rei. I went to Rei because by then, she was as destroyed as I was. She was as selfish, as cruel. We deserved each other. And I loved her.

But she wouldn't go with me. I hadn't even doubted it, of course she would want to help the Avatar defeat the Fire Lord. But she didn't. She was so fixed on Kenshin. It seemed like she had all of her hate and fury focused on him, even though if she wanted to kill someone responsible for the state of the Earth Kingdom, it was the man in her bed almost every night. She wouldn't leave, and she told me that she didn't love me. It was convenient, made her feel something beyond anger to be with me. She didn't want me forever, and I believed her. Who would want me? No one ever really had, not for exactly who I was. Mai loved the prince. After all, she hadn't followed me when I was banished. My family certainly only loved me when I was doing what they wanted me to do. I'd never known any different, not since my mother left. That's not true, Uncle loved me. But I threw it away.

Still, it didn't change how I felt. I found the Avatar and after some convincing, he let me train him. I could feel the anger seeping out of me because I finally felt like I had a purpose. I knew what I had to do, and more importantly, I knew why. I knew exactly what I wanted to accomplish and I knew what I wanted for the future. I wanted a world that lived in peace. Training the Avatar, teaching him firebending, that was the path to achieving it. Only, it wouldn't work. My firebending came from rage, and my rage was gone. So, we found the dragons and learned the true method of firebending and I felt more complete than I ever had. I could feel the beginnings of a pure happiness I never thought I'd be able to feel. This newfound serenity and self-awareness brought my love for Rei into sharp focus. I couldn't let her sink any farther. I knew what would happen if she killed that man, I knew that she needed to break from her rage just like I did, or she'd be lost. I had to stop her.

But I couldn't. She's so stubborn, and no matter how much I loved her, she wasn't going to let anything keep her from her revenge. Not even me. I tried to tell her that it would only make the pain worse, that it wasn't any kind of justice, that it would suffocate her from the inside, but it didn't work. She killed him, and I saw the last sparks of the healer from the Earth Kingdom die with him. I couldn't watch it happen. I loved her too much to see the inevitable destruction. I knew she would never really be the girl I loved again. If she had only come with me, left him and everything in her past behind and come with me, I would never have let her go again. I'd have taught her how to let go of the anger and focus on the warmth and peace. On forgiveness. And I'd have loved her until I died. Given her everything, because she deserved it. Without the war, she would have been someone who saved lives, but because of my ancestors, and me, she was someone who took them. I couldn't watch it, so I left.

It was torture seeing her after the war ended. I was right to leave when I had, I was right to leave her to her destruction. Maybe it made me weak, but when I saw her again in Ba Sing Se, I didn't even know the woman in front of me, and I thanked the Spirits I hadn't had to see the last of her die. Seeing her always made me see the worst in me. I let her drag me back in even though I knew she wasn't the girl I fell in love with, I let her change me back into a man that would betray his fiancée. I would still have stayed with her that night. I was so grateful that she'd stopped it when she did, before I was lost. That gave me hope, and I tried to save her again, but she wouldn't let me… so I left. Again. I let her go, completely this time. I have to believe it's what we both needed. A part of me will always miss her, but I think we might have destroyed each other. When I left her in the woods outside Ba Sing Se, there was a spark of life in her eyes as I promised her she'd never see me again. I thank the Spirits for that spark, or I never would have been able to go.

Whenever I doubt myself, I always reach into the back of my desk drawer, pull out the worn piece of paper, and run my fingers over her words.

Zuko, just wanted to let you know that I'm keeping my promise.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Rei