For once, Stan was actually on edge going into school. Every detail was just so jarringly wrong, and all his classmates seemed lost to him, barely able to tell who was who with so many things different.
Even when he got into the classroom and took his seat, he couldn't catch a break. As soon as he tried to get his bearings, a jittering blonde boy hovered over him. His heart raced- could there be SOMEONE normal left in this weird world?
His hope was shattered as he looked up; it wasn't Tweek next to him, but Butters. "Tha-that's my seat!" he squeaked.
Stan cracked, exploding in Butters' face. "THIS IS MY GOD DAMN SEAT, BUTTERS! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"
"AAAAHHHH!" Butters yelped. "C'mon, please! We'll get in trouble!" Although he thought he was beyond caring, Stan moved, feeling like he was going just as crazy as Butters was now.
Cartman sniggered from inside his parka as Stan sat down, fuming. The next event hardly improved the mood in the room. "Morning, children! I hope you all did yesterday's assignment?" their teacher asked sinisterly on entering the room.
Everyone gasped, but Stan did for a very different reason. "Mayor McDaniels?!" he exclaimed. The mayor, inexplicably wearing a ridiculous green shirt with a dead-eyed puppet in one hand, looked bemused at him.
"Wow, I'm going up in the world, hey, Stanley?" she laughed, setting off a chorus of mockery in his direction. Mournfully, he slammed his head on the desk in front of him and groaned. "Speaking of projects, yours was to do a news report on something happening in North Park. What's your story?"
Stan blanked. Guessing based on what he knew from this universe, he blurted out, "Kyle's dog ate it."
Suddenly acting a little like normal, Kyle covered for him. "Um... yeah, when I was sleeping he found it on the floor and shat on it."
Mrs McDaniels frowned, and then started doing the stupid ventriloquist thing with her puppet. "Well, you should lock your fucking dog out of the room next time, huh?" she said out of one side of her mouth. "That's right, Mr Hat, dogs are hungry bastards."
Suddenly, the door flew open, with a screeching voice echoing through the hall into the room and shattering everyone's eardrums. "MRS MCDANIELS, WE GOT SOME HUGE ASS NEWS TO TELL ALL THE LOVELY CHILDREN ABOUT!" Mrs Crabtree bellowed from the other side of the door. "WE'RE WHEELING IN THE TV!"
"The TV?" Mrs McDaniels gulped. "It's that big? We need the TV?"
"WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO ABOUT IT, READ FROM THE FUCKING PAPER?"
"...Just come and set it up." Sure enough, Mrs Crabtree came through the door and plugged it in. As the TV burst into life, it conveniently started with the announcement that the programme had been interrupted for a message from the President of the United States.
Apparently, anyway. When it came on, although he knew nothing about politics and everyone else treated the guy as if he was, Stan knew for a fact this was not the President. Which, thanks to the fallacies of politics, means he was spot on.
The man behind the desk actually looked rather scary. His eyes probably had something to do with that, since they seemed hostile and unblinking, as if they were staring into the souls of everybody in the room. His hair seemed incapable of touching anywhere on his face or forehead, instead tapering off just away from it at every angle. He seemed to have his lips locked in a disturbing smile, and his voice didn't even sound American.
Just to top it off, the response of everyone made it clear to Stan that something big was apparently happening. But what drove him over the edge was the clincher in his realization this guy was not someone he recognised in the slightest was the name, "Tony Blair".
Stan started to hyperventilate and yell in bewilderment. "OK, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" he screamed. "WHY IS EVERYTHING ALL WRONG? WHY IS NOBODY NORMAL? CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH EVERYBODY TODAY?!"
As he collapsed on the floor, Kyle unhelpfully asked, "Dude, are you alright?"
Mrs McDaniels came over and whispered, "Kyle, would you mind taking him to the councilor?" Kyle nodded, and showed Stan out of the room.
"I... I think I'm going nuts..." Stan murmured to him. "Something is... so, so wrong..."
"If you mean the President, that's everyone's reaction when he comes on TV, man," Kyle replied.
As they entered the councilor's office, two words they both really needed to hear came from behind the desk.
"Hello, children."