Chapter 5-No Control
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YA THINKIN'?!"
I'm shouting at him, I'm getting dangerously close to losing my hold on myself and letting my anger take over. I don't care, I'm too focused on Leo. Why Leo? Why, out of all of us, did HE have to be the one to pull something like this? I'm still yelling at him, demanding that he answer me. He just keeps whispering.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I failed to restore my honor..."
HONOR?! He's claiming he tried to ABANDON us, KILL himself, for HONOR?! I tighten my grip on him, I keep shouting at him, I start shaking him.
"What're ya babbling about?! YO, I'M TALKIN' TO YA! LEO! LEO!"
He isn't listening, he's still whispering to himself about his stupid sense of honor! Unless... is that just what his response is? Is this mumbling about apologizing... is he apologizing for Sensei? The thought of it just makes me angrier.
"QUIT APOLOGIZIN' FOR CRAP THAT AIN'T YER FAULT!"
He still won't stop. His mouth isn't moving, his eyes are void and blank, but the damn apologies. It's echoing in my head, nagging at me, pulling me deeper into my own flames of growing rage. How screwed up does Leo, my older brother, have to be to give me an answer like that? Seeing him like this, so weak, so messed up, it makes me sick, SICK to my stomach! My body's shaking, shivering. My voice gets quiet, I'm whispering to him now.
"Yer really gonna talk to me about honor, after doing this?"
He's silent, his eyes glazed over, staring at me blankly. I feel myself make a fist out of my right hand, still whispering.
"Where's the honor in this, Leo?"
I jerk my right arm behind me, and my voice gets steadily louder until I'm shouting again.
"Where's the DAMNED HONOR, in THIS?!"
My fist comes down on his emotionless face, it sends him right into the pavement. I hear myself yell, moving forward to attack him. I feel something suddenly halt my assault, I see Donnie behind me, his bo staff locked across my chest. I smash my elbow into him, and I'm free again. Like always, there's the small voice of our Sensei in the back of my mind, trying to tell me not to let my rage control me. But I'm not in control of my body anymore, my fury is in control. I charge forward toward Leo again. I catch a brief glimpse of something flying toward me, then I'm on the ground, my face in pain. I look up, and I see Mikey, holding his nunchuks, standing between me and Leo. A blur of movement, Mikey's yelp, he's on the ground, holding up his hands, disarmed.
"I-I just wanted you to stop, Raph..."
Suddenly, the flames recede, and I'm in control of my body again. I don't see enemies anymore, I see my baby brother on the ground, terrified. I fall to my hands and knees, shame and guilt welling up inside me.
"I'm sorry, Mikey..."