Chapter 6-Fear

I'm scared. Not the kind of scared that I joke around about, I'm really, really scared of Raph right now. He's on the ground, I'm standing between him and Leo. I've never seen Raph this angry. Not when we fought the Shredder, not when we fought Bishop, not when Leo got smacked around on the Christmas the Shredder returned. A small part of me understands his rage, but for the most part, I'm just afraid. Suddenly, he's back on his feet, and he tears my nunchuks from my hands, and he rams his head against mine, HARD. I'm on the ground, pinned under his foot. I hold up my hands, and, in the midst of the fear, I manage to speak.

"I-I just wanted you to stop, Raph..."

I risk looking up, I see something change in his eyes. The rage is gone, he falls to his hands and knees. I can hear the shame in his voice, his apology.

"I'm sorry, Mikey..."

I sit up, I don't know what to say. I look to Leo, then to Donnie, and back to Raph. The whole thing, Leo jumping, Donnie catching him, Raph saving them both, then attacking the three of us, it couldn't have taken longer than a few minutes. But I feel like that brief moment of happiness that I felt, when Raph was flying toward Leo and Don, I feel like it's been weeks since that moment. Raph gets up, he picks up my nunchuks, hands them to me. I take them silently, he looks at my head.

"Yer bleedin'..."

I feel for the spot where he hit me, I feel the warm, sticky fluid on my hand.

"I'll be fine. It doesn't hurt."

Raph just grunts and sits next to me, and we spend a long time there, just sitting. I feel like we should be trying to fix things, make it better, but neither of us have any ideas as to how. Wordlessly, Don picks himself up, looks to us, nods toward Leo, and we just nod back at him. He picks up his bo staff, folds up what's left of his glider, grabs Leo, and speeds off on the shell sled. I remember something I said about Leo once, about how shouldering all that responsibility, the responsibility of looking out for us, must be incredibly rough on him. I look at Raph, I stand up.

"We should go. Someone had to have noticed. They'll send helicopters with searchlights and have scientists ready to dissect us and everything."

I had meant it as a joke, but Raph doesn't laugh. Or smile. He doesn't react to it at all, he just gets up, grabs his sais, and starts making his way up the Statue of Liberty to get Leo's katana and mask. I follow him up. We reach the top, and the fear suddenly hits me again. I move forward to the edge, I look down. It suddenly hits me; Leo had to climb up here, see that drop, and choose, consciously CHOOSE, to jump. What would make him do something like that? What would lead him to choose to jump? I feel dizzy, I fall forward onto my hands and knees, and I vomit over the edge. I start crying, not because of the pain in my stomach from puking, not from sadness about what's happened. I'm crying because the night has left me so exhausted. I'm not even that much of a crier, and yet now, the tears just keep coming. I hear Raph speak, although it's hard to hear amidst my own sobs.

"Mutant turtle barfs from forty stories up. That's sure ta make th' front page."

In spite of my exhaustion, I laugh a little. Then I throw up again.