Of Crystal and Rock

Sparring

With my chores pretty much done, I amble back to Gaius' chambers. He is back from his morning rounds and looks up as I enter.

"What are you doing here?"

"I didn't feel like listening to everything going on in court today."

"Is something bothering you, Merlin?" Gaius asks as he hands me some bread and cheese.

I wave the offer of food away. Is it so obvious that something is bothering me? I'm really good at keeping secrets, my magic is enough proof but today I can't get away with anything. I wonder how I can explain my dilemma to my master without giving too much information away.

"Well I had this dream last night."

"What happened in the dream," he questions, his curiosity obviously peaked.

"I was running in the woods and came face to face with Morgana. She found out about my magic and called me deceitful," I glance up at Gaius to see his reaction but he seems unphased by this revelation.

"Merlin I know you want to be honest with Arthur but sometimes we keep secrets from people to protect them. When the time is right, he'll find out. Don't let it get you down; it was just a dream after all."

I know he thinks he's saying what he believes is right and trying to cheer me up. I don't mention the boy or the dragon. He wouldn't be able to help me with those problems either. I wish I could tell him about Arthur. About what happened and how I feel. All these feelings are shuffling around in my mind but I don't know what to do. Will Arthur pretend it didn't happen or will something more follow? He did mention it this morning for a moment though neither of us said more after that. And which situation am I hoping for? That I have no answer to.

I stay in Gaius' chambers the rest of the day mixing potions for him and getting tutored in the healing arts. Although I had absolutely no interest in this when I first came to Camelot, it has started to grow on me. My mind always hungers for new knowledge and when I treat an injury or a sickness correctly, I feel a slight pride in my ability. Maybe I don't need my magic for everything; maybe I can still be useful as just Merlin. When dinner time strolls around I talk Gwen into giving Arthur his evening meal. She seems overly pleased by this and I find myself a bit resentful of the fact I couldn't do it. I don't know exactly what I expect but if anything new occurs with Gwen I'm sure I will hear about it from Arthur on the morrow. As I go to bed I pray for some peace of mind and answers to my questions.

I am in a cave. It is large and absolutely beautiful. Somewhere I have been before and recognize. I am in the crystal cave of visions. How I got here and what I'm supposed to be doing I don't know but I stare longingly at the reflective rocks. I want to see the future; I want visions that can help Arthur in the future. But the knowledge of the bad things to come, I don't know if I could deal with all that by myself. It's hard to be such a powerful warlock; much harder than I ever expected it to be. I didn't want to hide but I knew to stay by Arthur's side I had to. Excalibur is in a stone in the center of the cave, its golden lightly jeweled hilt glinting off the jagged edges of crystal. The strongest sword ever to be forged from dragon's breath, its power resonates against the crystals that hum in unison. The sound is small and soft, almost like a harp whispering sweet nothings. I perch on the edge of a rock and listen to my hearts content. The music is soothing and there is nothing more I want to think about. As if hearing my thoughts the tunes change. Abruptly the melody shifts to a harsher tone and my eye catches movement in one of the rocks. Not knowing what's going to happen in the future is something every person must live with, it is hard to do but we must all accomplish the task. Knowing what is going to happen is an even heavier burden to bear, but sometimes people don't have choices in what they must do. I lean over to see the vision in the crystal rock when my hand slips off the edge and slices down the inside of my palm.

My upper body jumps up from the bed to find the covers twisted all around me. Flopping back down I roll over and realize pain in my hand is what awoke me. I glance down, squint my eyes in the dim light and see a scratch across my palm, on my left hand exactly where it happened in the dream. That's never happened before.

I try to fall back asleep but I cannot. If this keeps up I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. I won't be able to do any of my chores or stay awake the whole day for that matter. Sighing, I wonder idly what Arthur is doing right now. Is he sleeping peacefully? Is he restlessly tossing and turning like I find myself doing. Is he having a nightmare unable to wake from the treachery? Or is he awake, fitfully thinking about things he has no control over, like me. I am thinking and wondering about him more and more, though I know so much about him already. I want to know all there is to know. I shake my head because this is bad. I should not be having these feelings and definitely not about Arthur.

I suppose when you're lost in thought time goes by faster because I see the light starting to peek through my window and I still haven't gotten a good nights rest in three days. Pulling myself up I take out fresh clothes and draw a bath. Soaking in the water feels so great, my muscles loosen and I didn't even realize I had been that tense. I scrub my body clean and soak for a few more minutes. Then I empty the water and head into the main room. I want to sneak out before Gaius is up and about. He is a great master and friend but I am just not in the mood to talk cheerfully when that's not how I feel at all. Gaius is indeed a good teacher though because I quickly make a disinfecting salve for my hand. I am just smoothing it onto the cut when Gaius wakes and starts to get up.

"What have you got there, Merlin?"

"Nothing just got a little cut on my hand yesterday. Well I'm off!"

I fly through the door before I hear what he has to say. It's rude, I know it is but I can't help it. Not today.

I fix Arthur's armor on his shoulder and finish tying up the laces on his wrist guards without making any eye contact. He leaves me free rein and doesn't shift and move to hinder my work like usual. He says absolutely nothing about my bailing out of giving him dinner and I am grateful. I'm curious about how it went with Gwen but I definitely won't be the one to bring it up.

"There all done, Sire."

"I can't wait for the sparring matches today; it feels like ages since I've wielded a sword."

It hasn't been more than two days but I don't mention it. I just smile slightly and hand Arthur his sword. He takes it without a word and we head out to the practice grounds. I see how tense his face is, so the exercise should definitely be good for him, it will take the edge off. I'm glad there are no weird feelings between us, I was a little nervous with not showing up yesterday but it seems to not have bothered him at all. He hasn't totally chewed me out like he normally would.

I sit on the stone wall overlooking the grounds as Arthur and Leon parry back and forth with their dulled blades. Leon slices at Arthur's chest as Arthur lifts up his shield to block and strikes with a straight stroke at his opponent with his sword arm, making Leon sidestep away. The way Arthur moves is always tactful and graceful. I'm sure those skills need to go together if you consider yourself a good swordsman. Arthur is definitely a good swordsman in my book.

"Merlin."

I glance up from my stitching of Arthur's shirt, though I already know who it is by the sound of his voice and beat of his step, "Hello Gwaine."

"What are doing?"

"Watching Arthur practice and doing some work," I stick my pointer and middle finger through the hole in the sleeve and wiggle them at Gwaine.

He chuckles lightly, "I see. I meant why are you all the way up here? Usually you're down on the grounds."

"It's nice in the sun over here and I wanted the quiet."

"Wanted the quiet but still wanted to keep an eye on the king, did you?"

Gwaine is my favorite of the knights and I would say he is my closest friend after Arthur, but I don't know what he's playing at right now.

"Why don't you go down and give Arthur some competition, I'm sure he would appreciate it."

Gwaine stares down as Arthur throws one last blow that knocks Sir Leon on his butt in the dirt and signals the end of the match. Elyan and Percival take up shields and start to circle around one another as the next match starts. I see Arthur lift his gloved hand and run it across his forehead effectively wiping the sweat off and rubbing dirt on his face. For reasons I don't know I'm captivated by the sight. Then I remember Gwaine standing next to me and snake my eyes over to his face. He's looking at me oddly and I don't know why exactly. I quickly go back to Arthur's shirt and do the next stitch without saying anything.

"What's the matter Merlin?"

"What do you mean what's the matter? Why would something be the matter? Am I acting like something is the matter?" I babble before I can stop myself.

"Arthur is staring at us right now- no don't look!" he yelps as I start to turn my head to look. I stop in the process and lift my brows waiting for the answer I assume is coming. Gwaine just shrugs, "It would have been obvious if you looked."

Not exactly the explanation I was looking for. Now he's looking at me expectantly but I have nothing to offer, so I stay silent. Gwaine can sometimes be a tricky and cynical man though he's very true hearted so I know whatever he's trying to do; he's trying to do with the best intentions. I just wish I knew what it was.

"Gwaine get down here and fight me man!"

I whip around to stare down at Arthur while Gwaine just lazily turns his head. This action probably looks more forced than I meant it to so I quickly look back down at my stitching before Arthur can meet my eyes. I have been acting strange and I need to cut it out.

"Ready to get your arse beat, are you then?" Gwaine calls back.

Arthur smiles and shields his eyes from the sun with his hand, "We'll see about that!"

Gwaine turns and starts to go down the hill. I have this urge to call after him, I don't really want to but my mouth moves before my brain and I don't even know what I'm supposed to say, "Gwaine!"

He turns.

"Be careful."

We look at one another for a split second longer than necessary then he's gone.

I turn back to my stitching once again. When I finish I don't look down at the grounds. I hear swords clanking together but I don't turn to see who is fighting who. I go back inside the castle and put his shirt away then I leave his room. And I don't want to come back.

Of course I come back though. Arthur would definitely be furious if I didn't show up two nights in a row. And then he could call me a drunk more than he already does, assuming I've been at the tavern. Which I haven't been, obviously.

"Merlin, I need to ask you something."

I take a sharp gulp of breath. Whatever he is going to ask me, on one side I really don't want to know and then on the other side he can't spit it out fast enough. I tilt my head to the left indicating I am listening to him.

"It's about the sword."

"Excalibur?" I blurt before I can think better of it.

He gives me a pointed look, "How did you know about it?"

"As I said Gaius told me the story…"

"And how did Gaius know about it?" he interrupts before I can finish my sentence.

I look at his face and there is harshness in his features. That means he is angry and wants straight answers to his questions, but I cannot provide him those answers. And that hurts more than lying.

"I don't know where Gaius heard it from," I lie stubbornly.

He creases his eyebrows and I know he doesn't believe what I have told him.

"Where were you last night?"

"What, Sire?"

"I said," he enunciates like I am a small child, "where were you last night."

"I was mixing tonics for Gaius he was so busy and…" I trail off.

"That's all Merlin. You can go."

I have already put his supper on the table, cleaned his chambers to the best of my ability, and put the clothes strewn around the room away. I should go because I have done everything I'm supposed to. Supper is waiting for me with Gaius. Nothing is going to happen with Arthur, it never will. He is dismissing me and I can't do anything about it. So why won't my feet listen to my brain and do as I say?

"I said you can go!" Arthur slams his hand, palm flat down on the table and rattles the cup made of silver that I just filled with summer wine.

Apparently this snaps me out of my daze because I am out of his room, rushing down the large marble steps that will take me farther and farther away from him. But I know that this is best because it's what he wants. I will stop having these thoughts because they will be my undoing if I continue on this way.

Then realization hits me and I stop in my tracks. Arthur wasn't angry, I think he was hurt. But by what I am miffed. Was it because I lied to him about the sword? Well I casually lie to him often but it's been harder and harder to do since the kiss. Can he feel this as strong as I can? I abandoned him. Last night, he possibly wanted to talk but I couldn't face him so I sent him… Gwen. And he had just been telling me about how she had hurt him badly. I put my head in my hands because I am not much better. What a blunder I've made out of things. I know how this is supposed to work about as much as a horse does. I've never been with anyone and I don't know how to act, especially because it's Arthur. I want to turn back and run, burst into his room and apologize. Honestly I want to put the last two days behind us and go back to the way things were when it was simpler.

There is so much that I want to do, but in the end I just go back to Gaius' chambers, plop spoonfuls of a watery soup into my mouth without tasting it, escape into my room and do nothing. Whether I will find escape or more torture during the night I don't know but I can no longer stay awake and stress over all these thoughts floating around in my mind.