Chapter 10-Goongala

I dropped my charade the second April and I walked into the lair. I couldn't keep pretending like there wasn't a heavy atmosphere hanging over everybody's head. When I first got the news from April this morning, it was easier trying to make like I was still okay, because I was alone, I only had to fool myself. But just seeing their faces, the way they all looked so lost, it reminded me of what it was like right after losing my dad. Now I'm up on the rooftops with Raph, and April's tending to Don, since Leo and Mikey're out for the night. Raph's just sitting a few feet away at the edge of the roof, staring at nothing. I feel like I oughta say something, but I don't have any words that feel right.

'How does so much crap get crammed inta one day?'

"Hey, Case..."

I don't answer right away. He's talking so low and quiet, it takes me a minute to figure that he isn't just mumbling to himself.

"Yeah?"

"How do ya... deal with the first night?"

What's he talking about? Does he mean with Leo's stuff?

"I ain't followin' ya..."

He sighs. I've never seen him so exhausted. It's kinda unsettling.

"I mean with your dad. When he-"

"OH. That..."

I get what he means, but I don't feel like I have a better answer for what he's asking.

"Hell, I dunno, man. To be honest wit' ya, I can't even really remember much about how I dealt with the first night. Most of it's a blur... Mostly I remember not feelin' anything, and I remember not sleeping."

He gets quiet, and all I'm able to do is just stand here and wait for him to talk again. Because I can't say anything. Why the hell does my big fat mouth have to clam up on me now? I know why, but I hate the reason, I hate that there has to BE a reason for why I can't think of anything to do or say when my bro is suffering like this. Because even if I could think of something worthwhile that was more than just some dumb advice, it wouldn't be what he needs right now. Only a father can give him what he needs now, and that's what makes a good father. Like Splinter, like my dad. Whatever the issue is, they have the strength to tell you what you need to hear, even if it's not what you want to hear. I crash back into the present, I hear Raph getting to his feet, walking slowly past me towards the lair. I catch his arm, I have something worth saying now. He doesn't look up, he doesn't look back at me, but I can tell he's waiting, listening.

"Raph, whatever else you may be feelin' tomorrow, the first thing you're gonna be lookin' for is someone to blame. I dunno about Mikey, or Donnie, or even Leo, but I know how ya cope, because I work the same way. We find somebody to blame fer crap whenever it happens, we get angry, we take it out on others. Me, it was easier to figure out where the blame fit, I knew that the hell I was feelin' was cuz of the Purple Dragons. It's not gonna be that easy for you. There ain't really a bad guy here. Ya can't pin it on anybody, not even those damn thugs or the Foot."

He doesn't move or speak, I still haven't told him anything he doesn't already know.

"My point is, ya need to be less hardheaded. Otherwise, you'll end up like I did before ya set me straight. Ya gotta let yourself listen to your brothers when they start warnin' you that yer gettin' too heated. You can't wait fer it to get worse than that. Jus'... let yourself rely on them."

I let his arm go, but neither of us move. I hope my words are sinking in, but other than nodding a little, he doesn't give any sign that they are. He just starts leaping over to the next roof, heading back home. I don't follow, not right away. I'm trying not to curse myself out, trying to ignore the feeling that I still fell so far short of what he needed to hear. I hear someone cry out from one of the dark alleys below, I glare down at a familiar scene of a mugging by Purple Dragons. My teeth are grinding together as I drop down. I take out the thug nearest me, the noise drawing the attention of his buddies as I pick up his bat.

"Man, you scum picked the wrong damn night ta piss me off. So, which one of ya dirtbags is next?"

They charge me all at once, and I rush towards them head-on, I'm eager to make them feel my bro's pain.

"GOONGALA!"