Of Crystal and Rock
The Crystal Cave
Finally. That is the only word or thought I can think as I pull up to the crystal cave on my good tempered gelding, sliding off the saddle and leaning against his neck with my hand on the reins for support. It might have been a longer process than I had wanted, but I am too weary to take notice of anything else. Nothing matters now because finally I can see the vision or whatever it is I was meant to see here.
It took longer than we expected to get back, nearly three days because of the pouring rain and the injuries sustained from battle. We were wet, soar, and that made everyone absolutely miserable and quite a few grumpy. Arthur had kept his distance from me a little more noticeably during the journey back. It could possibly be from embarrassment relating to some of the things said or a reason I have no idea of. Either way it took a long time for me to find the right moment to mount my escape, for a few days anyway. As soon as we returned Arthur had to hold council for all the problems neglected while he was away. A few other outlying villages had been attacked it seemed, but to my relief and probably the relief of half the court, he sent Leon east to set it straight over there and Elyan west. Of course both of us were busy, he had me running around doing this and straightening out that and the other thing like crazy; I couldn't find a moment to myself. I wish I could have gotten away sooner but with all the craziness and problems that seemed to pop up I could only bide my time and wait. It took a week of restless sleep and tortured nights but soon I will see the fruition of my efforts. I know when I get back there will be hell to pay (with no help from Gaius, I'm sure he used his same old excuse of the tavern even though I begged him to think of something more original) but there's no point in dwelling on that now. Just picturing Arthur's angry face makes me shiver and I move into the shelter of the big pine trees around my destination. It was obvious he really needs my assistance and guidance more than ever now, but this is something I could not put off any longer.
I hobble the horse to a nearby spruce tree. It behooves me to realize that I have reached the cave right as the sun sets in a beautiful display of gold and orange and yellow. Similar to the way I arrived in my dream which does nothing to calm my frazzled nerves. I quickly step in and get my bearings before darkness sets in totally and I am scrambling to find my way. There is no Excalibur trapped in rock, not that I really expected it to be here. I know exactly where I left that sword, hanging against Arthur's hip in the courtroom. There are a lot of jagged rocks around and I unconsciously cradle my left hand against my chest as if to protect it. No more annoying scratches for me, thanks very much.
It's eerily quiet until I hear an owl screech outside and my horse makes a nervous whickering sound in answer. The screech surprises me and I slip on a smooth bolder but I catch myself before I'm too unsteady on my feet. I slink further into the dimly lit dome. Lifting my head I see how high the ceiling raises up and notice unpleasantly all the pointed rocks aimed down at the area below. I sigh and fiddle around with my scarf not exactly knowing what to do next. Then I hear a sound. I strain my ears to listen and try to figure out what it is. I don't think it's the horse and it can't possibly be footsteps, I would have realized way before this.
It is a harp. The crystal cave is singing to me, just like in my dream. Apparently it is thrilled to have me here, though I don't know if I return the sentiments just yet. The music guides me a bit deeper until I reach a small pool of water. It's very small, can barely be called a puddle but I look down at it in wonder. The crystal clear liquid is a pale white-blue and so still I can see my reflection perfectly in it. I don't see any water dripping or condensation nor did I see a stream close by so I ponder where this little pool came from. As I am wondering this I see a flash of motion in it. Fascinated I get down on my hands and knees bring my face as close as possible and stare down into the now rippling water. Suddenly I feel a deep pull in my bones and I am transported away from my body and my sight becomes hazy.
Arthur decked out in his best armor and helm is pointing his sword, not Excalibur I note with dismay, at a dark haired teen. The boy's face twists in a grim smile and he dismisses whatever Arthur is saying to him with a small wave of his hand. Arthur's face hardens at this and I can practically taste his anger as it rolls off him in waves. Vaguely I see Gwaine, Leon, Percival, Elyan, and Tristan (I can feel my eyebrow attempt to rise as this is an unexpected surprise although pleasing nonetheless, but my body still feels far away) along with some other knights hanging back. With a rising thought of dismay I realize this is the field where my first dream took place. Morgana enters the scene from the trees on the far side and I hear Gwaine curse angrily. He charges Morgana with a knightly roar, his sword swinging high. Be careful, I utter the silent plea but I can taste bile advancing up the back of my throat and I know how this is going to end. Gwaine is an amazing fighter and although he always itches for a battle, he usually doesn't rush in like a headstrong fool. I try to close my eyes but I cannot look in any other direction. I try to pull away from the scene but I cannot get my mind to obey. As I watch Gwaine gaining ground I cry out in frustration because I really don't want to watch this and finally I am yanked bodily back.
I come back to myself with my nose literary touching the small pool of water. I yank my head back and run a hand down my face to wipe away the moisture. Absentmindedly I hear the cave screaming at me in protest but I need a minute to compose myself. The rocks all around me vibrate with the need to finish what they started; my mind is in total chaos. When will this happen, how does it come to be, and why does it happen? Many of these questions I desperately need answers to before I will be able to face Arthur again or any of the knights for that matter. So this is what I so urgently needed to see. What I wish I didn't need to see. That boy, his name touches my lips and I don't want to speak it out loud but I need to face the reality, "Mordred."
A shutter passes through me involuntarily. This is bad. This is really, really bad. How am I supposed to fix this? How could I have been so stupid all those years ago? I had the choice, not a kindly or fair choice, but a choice nonetheless. Which was the lesser of two evils, letting a child die or my morals as a warlock? Kilgharrah warned me and urged me to let him die, to not aid in his escape. Desperately I wish I had listened to the wise old dragon now. How can I help to feel that this is anything but my own fault? Apparently I am too compassionate for my own good and I possibly jeopardized everything I have been working towards for the past five years. I take a deep reassuring breath and feel relieved when the air files down deeply into my lungs. I honestly don't want to see what happens next but it's imperative that I know what happens. I must know what happens so that I can fix it; so that I can stop it from ever occurring. I brush the pebbles and dirt off my hands then shift my body back over the puddle. As I feel the out-of-body pull once again I give in to it and feel myself lift boneless.
He charges Morgana with a knightly roar, his sword swinging high. He gets so close, I almost hope, almost hope that for one moment he has her but then she lifts her hand and casts it unceremoniously through Gwaine's chest. I cannot believe it. I have never seen Gwaine fall so quickly before, I've barely ever seen him take wounds yet Morgana defeated him with her bare hands and seemingly effortlessly. The triumphant smirk that plays across her features is the worst of all. Arthur's cry of rage is heartbreaking. Mordred lifts his sword and swipes at Arthur. The king nimbly moves out of his reach and shifts his shield into a proper battle stance. The other knights disperse around, trying to keep Morgana and I realize with a sinking heart, a white dragon at bay. Aithusa flaps his large wings angrily. He is not nearly the size of Kilgharrah probably not even half the size of him yet, but I know how deadly the dragon can still be. Percival and Tristan carefully circle around him. Morgana cackles lightly as Elyan raises his sword to her and then the two armies clash. The Camelot knights rush at their opponents, who seem to be a combination of Druids and peasants. I am utterly shocked to see the Druids fighting here, usually they try to stay out of all conflict and are peaceful people by nature; most magical creatures are. I note a little nervously that I am no where to be seen. There is no way I would ever let the knights and Arthur face a magical foe without me. It's a sickening thought. As if the cave hears my thoughts or perhaps its just coincidence, I zoom closer to Arthur and Mordred at their sword fight.
"Why are you doing this? I helped you. And this is how you repay me?"
"Don't try to trick me with your petty words Arthur Pendragon. I will not be swayed."
Mordred swipes with his sword and Arthur easily dodges and parries the next two attempts with his shield.
"How does it feel? To be betrayed by the one person you trusted most. A pity he couldn't join us here today."
Arthur yells and goes on the attack while the younger man goes to defensive moves.
I am sitting on the floor with my head spinning and my eyesight reeling. Eventually I observe that the cave is finally silent. Apparently I have seen all I was meant to or all I am allowed to. I can't wrap my head around my thoughts or feelings. Betrayed. This one word keeps swimming around in my mind and won't give me a moment's peace. There is no way I would ever, ever betray my king. What does this whole thing mean? I am mystified and embarrassed and beyond afraid.
I run from the cave and feel my chest heaving as I try to calm my heart. Yelling out in the dragon tongue, I call for Kilgharrah. Perhaps he can help me make sense of this premonition, prophecy, vision? And Aithusa. I hope desperately my dragon friend will have some answers for me about the little white companion I saved for him. How could that dragon possibly turn on us? It just doesn't make any sense. Anything he says will be helpful or useful, it always is and I need his advice now more than ever. I can't figure all this out on my own. Usually when I call it doesn't take Kilgharrah long at all to come, he knows these woods like the back of his wings, yet he is not here. I call out once more, commanding as a dragon lord that my friend will show himself to me. And then I wait.
It is dark now; I must have been in the cave longer than I anticipated. I must have been standing in this spot for longer than I imagined. It is hard to travel at night but I must get back as soon as possible so Arthur doesn't really kill me. How can it be that I've been abandoned? Kilgharrah has never done this to me before, never hasn't he come when I called him, no matter the situation or time. Suddenly I wonder if something is wrong. Why does this day just seem to be getting worse and worse as it gets darker and darker?
My horse knickers to me, encouraging me to let him loose and head back home where his dinner waits. Where my dinner will be waiting too. Although by now it is probably hard and cold. I glance up at the sky once more but the only answer I receive is the constant moonlight. Giving up and mentally exhausted I untie my horse, jump on and steer him back to Camelot. Back to where my once and future king lies safely in his castle.
It doesn't take nearly as long to get back as it did to get to the crystal cave. This could be because my thoughts were running rampant; or it could be from me not noticing a lapse of time as I played the vision over and over in my brain. Whatever the reason though I am thankful it is early morning so I will still have time to get changed and then wake Arthur. As I put my horse away in the stables, I brush him down and give him a nice juicy carrot. He's definitely earned it after this long and tiring night. Its pretty early, the grooms haven't even stirred yet so I'm really not expecting it when a hand falls on my shoulder.
I jump nearly two feet and swing around swiftly. My fear is short lived as Gwaine gaffes and tries to contain his laughter so as not to wake anyone up.
"What are you doing here so early?" I hiss at him.
"Arthur was having some issues around the border of Lot's kingdom, some peasants acting up. Since Elyan and Leon are still about in other areas seems I'm the next best choice."
Seeing Gwaine laughing and smiling at me, after just witnessing something terribly tragic happening to him is almost my undoing. I'm about to open my mouth and beg him not to go, to stay here safe and sound where I can keep my eyes on him. I am almost tempted to go with him, he is a very dear friend, but my loyalty to Arthur is unwavering and too powerful to ignore. Plus I know that he will return safely because he was at the battle I saw, but still I can't shake this feeling. It makes me so uneasy.
"Merlin?"
"Sorry I was just thinking."
"You've been acting strange lately."
His brow is furrowed and he is giving me a quizzical look. For once I wish I could just tell someone about my magic. I want to scream and confess and cry all at the same time and I don't know what to do.
Instead I put on a smile, "Have I? Well you act strange all the time so I suppose I can't be doing it too badly then."
His face lightens at the joke and he nods, "You take care of the king while I'm away."
"Of course, it's my job after all!" I reply cheerily.
His horse is already saddled and ready to go with provisions loaded on it. How did I miss that when I walked in? I suppose thirty six hours awake will do that to you. He swings into the saddle and nods to me.
"See you then."
He kicks his horse and the animal jolts out of the barn at a trot. Before I know what I've done my feet have carried me out of the barn so I can watch Gwaine's retreating form.
"Be careful!" I call to him before I can take the words back. He doesn't turn or acknowledge the statement, I see him kick his horse again and the animal changes into a graceful gallop and after a moment I can't see either of them anymore. I wonder why I had to say that and why I have been acting so weird lately. It's like a mantra that I've been telling Gwaine to be careful even when I don't realize I'm doing it. I've got to cut this out. Gaius has noticed, Gwaine seems to have noticed, and even Arthur has noticed, which means I've definitely been doing something wrong. I'm surprised my deepest secret is still safe at the rate I've been going lately.
My horse is cooled down. I leave my gelding in his stall with a pail of oats, a hardy pat on the rump, and another carrot. I sneak into my room to change my clothes; aware that no matter how quiet I am Gaius always has a knack for waking up. I splash water from my basin on my face to wash off the dirt and grim from the road, though it doesn't improve my image much. I can feel the bags under my eyes and know nothing can really improve that. As the sun starts to sneak up I don't have enough time to catch a few minutes of sleep which would be really useful at the moment. Instead I go to the kitchen where everyone is already awake and preparing dishes for the day. I get Arthur's morning meal of porridge and head up to his room. I tip toe in and put the bowl on his dining table. I turn around and move back the way I've come.
"Merlin."
I stop my stealthy walk across his room. I almost had it; I thought I was going to be safe but that tone. Oh do I know that tone. I turn slowly to face him.
"Where were you all day yesterday?" his voice is so stern it can cut steel.
"Um," I stammer trying to think up a good excuse and failing miserably, "the woods?"
"And what pray tell," he stops to take a steadying breath, "were you doing in the woods?"
"Gathering herbs?"
"Gathering herbs is it? For the whole day?"
"But then I got lost?"
"But then you got lost, did you?"
"Really lost," I nod, knowing there is no way I can get out of this one.
"Someone else seems to be under the impression that you spent the day in the tavern!"
I screw my eyes shut because I know who said that and I want to smash a metal jug over his head. That thought brings me back to the present and I have just enough time to duck from the water jug that Arthur just sent whizzing past my ear.
"Well I can see you're already up for the day, so I can take my leave. I brought you breakfast Sire. Not much though since we want to keep your shapely kingly figure."
If I'm going down at least I can go down swinging I think as that last remark sets in and Arthur's face turns an angry, an even angrier, shade of red. I just slip through his door before I hear something shatter against the wood.
"MERLIN!"