Of Crystal and Rock

Knighthood

"Merlin what are you doing over here?"

I jump up from my crouched position on the floor in the corner and meet Gwen's eyes. This guilt I have just eats away at me every time I see her face. I lose my train of thought because I shouldn't feel this way since she technically brought it on herself, but still I feel as if I have taken something from her. Feeling this way frustrates me to no end but I don't know how to change it. She has no clue about our secret relationship and I can't decide if it's better or worse that way. I'm sure Arthur still has some affection for her and it's obvious she does for him. His love life and her love life, and I suppose my own all rests on my shoulders. If I reject Arthur's continued advances he will most definitely go back to her. Sometimes I wonder if I should give up and have them get back together because it would be a lot easier. Everything would just go back to normal, to the way it was before. But I would probably not be happier with that decision as the outcome to our situation. I must make up my mind quickly so we can all put this behind us, but still I don't know what the correct decision is.

"Merlin?"

"Ah I was looking for woodworm in the floor platforms."

"Woodworm."

I nod.

"In the floor platforms."

I tentatively nod again and give her a wolfish grin. She shakes her head, heaves her laundry basket back on her hip and continues walking. Watching her retreating form for a moment distracts me, but then I look back down at my prize. I know most of the castle is made of stone and granite, and it was pure luck that I happened to be in one of the lower levels; in one of the laundry rooms specifically because there is wood here and my excuse was actually plausible. No idea what I would have said if I was caught somewhere else. I bend and quickly finish up collecting the mice droppings from the corner before I have to answer any other intrigued queries. It's an odd ingredient for a spell I admit, but with anything related to magic I take it with a grain of salt. Or maybe a whole barrel of salt because there are a lot of odd things I've had to do or get now that I think about it. Although I'd rather not think about it, the time in the bog with the water moccasin snake, I shudder and put that thought out of my brain. That was not a fun time at all. I shake my head while taking the stairs up two at a time.

I dash back into Gaius' apartments so I can finish this before he gets back from his rounds. It's early still but I'll need to tend Arthur soon so I want to get this out of the way so I can at least have some shred of knowledge about my friend. It would be a bad thing if my mentor figured out what I was trying to do because he doesn't know I'm still in contact (or was rather) with Kilgharrah. I already have the water boiling over the fire. I've had the damn water boiling for over an hour now and have already added the mustard seeds, a rabbits foot (cured, took me forever to do the other day), gojira berries (which took me about two hours to find in the woods yesterday), a pinch of nutmeg leaves, and can now complete my concoction with the mouse droppings. This is a location spell from my magical book. I have been stressed without being able to speak or get council from Kilgharrah. I never realized how much I appreciated his help until I was denied it. In the back of my mind I keep wondering if something terrible has happened, but I don't want to think about that. What I would have to do without having him as a guide is just too hard to imagine. Seems like everything just hits you all at once in a fiery gust and you try to do everything in your power to stop from burning but it's hard. I may have banked the fire for the moment, but it's lurking at my heels, trying to set me ablaze once again. This is too hard when your ally is missing, your king is frustrated with you, and you just had a really terrible vision that you would do anything to stop from coming true. I take a deep breath because I don't have much time before I have to go serve my infuriatingly wonderful king, so I hurriedly toss the mouse droppings in.

Poof! The smoke is thick and gray and acidic to my mouth. I see nothing but the fogginess in front of me and wonder what in seven hells happened. I blink my eyes and tilt my head but at the moment my limbs don't feel attached to the rest of me. Obviously my locator spell didn't work out exactly as I had planned because I don't see the creature I was trying to find. I move my hand in front of my face but can barely see it through the thickness that just seems to be getting heavier. I'm frustrated and angry because this is something that I really needed and wanted to do right. It was my one chance to find Kilgharrah. Usually I have no issues with my spells or magic so why do I keep messing up royally lately? Surely if the person you are trying to locate is deceased it would give a more definite answer than a foggy nothingness, so my spirit sparks at this last ray of hope. Suddenly to my right I see movement. Like something is moving stealthily towards me. I should want to run in the other direction to get away from it but I don't. Something is drawing me towards the continued motions of the smoke around that area and I wonder for a brief moment if this spell was as huge a fail as was my initial thought. Perhaps it will lead me to what I'm looking for after all. The smoke starts to clear a bit more and I can almost see something. A large undefined shape is lurking behind the cloud. But as quickly as the fog appears, it is gone and I'm left in darkness.

I come to with Gaius' blurry face in front of my eyes. I feel disoriented and as I see his mouth moving I hear no words, but a ringing resounding noise through my ears. From the way Gaius is above me I must being laying flat on my back but I don't remember falling over. My face feels like leather and I attempt to move one of my hands. When nothing responds to my nagging efforts I decide not to even try to sit up yet because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I just continue to lay sprawled on the ground trying to make sense of what happened and why I can't think straight. When I regain my breath after a few more minutes of Gaius hovering over me protectively, I sit up unsteadily.

"What happened?"

"Spell," I try to say but a coughing fit takes over instead. My tongue fumbles around in my mouth for a couple more instants, in a most ungraceful way before I can regain control over it. I lean against the table leg and am grateful for the support it gives me. I need to relax for a second and figure out what happened. My eyes flash up to the tabletop with the boiling pot and book on it.

Gaius must have gotten my meaning because he goes to look at the book and the page it's open to. His eyebrow rises as he looks down at me, "It's just a location spell."

I nod because I don't trust my voice to deliver just yet. My sentiments exactly, I think as he continues to stare at the book.

"I never heard of a location spell blowing up in someone's face like this before."

"Well aren't I just lucky then," I rasp out. It hurts like hell, like I just swallowed a tub of some unpleasant burning liquid but at least my throat is working again. I am a bit curious as to how this seemingly simple spell did manage to blow up in my face though. Right when I think things can't get much worse for me, I always seem to get a delightful surprise.

"What were you trying to locate?"

Crap, I wasn't expecting this question. Well it's actually easier to make up a story than my first initial thought because most of the knights aren't around now, "Gwaine. I was just trying to see if it worked since I know where he is. Apparently it didn't turn out so well."

Gaius fiddles around on the table looking at my ingredients and set up, perhaps to figure out what went wrong as I stay on the floor trying to regain my strength. I feel worse than if someone had smashed me with an axe hammer… or a mace (which did happen once before).

My mentor offers me his hand, I can see his intent to help me stand and perhaps get me back into my quarters but as embarrassing as it is, I don't think I would be able to make it that far in my state at the present. So I shake my head in answer and grind out, "I can't move yet."

He seems a bit perplexed by how much this has really taken out of me but he walks away and brings me back a cup of cold water. I am so grateful as I shakily take the cup and bring it to my lips. It tastes heavenly and soothes my raw throat better than I could have imagined. Gaius is impatiently looking around as if trying to think of something to do to help and I realize I should be in Arthur's chambers by now. I don't know how long I've been out but probably longer than I should have been.

I'm not as elegant in my movements as I normally would be (alright fine, I'm never graceful or elegant) but I'm even wobblier than usual. I rest on a chair for a little bit longer until I feel more rejuvenated then head out as Gaius watches me leave, a bit fretfully I think. I probably look terrible. I am glad to have my mentor with me to help. I'm more disappointed with the outcome of my spell than I was before; I must figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. I felt something, there was someone or something coming towards me but then it was as if a barricade was keeping us apart. Definitely not a good sign.

I am on my way to Arthur's room, a slow process after my little incident I must admit, when someone calls my name. Turning around I see Tristan strolling up to me. Stupid useless spell forgotten, my heart leaps as I think back to the battle. Where I saw him amidst the ranks, dressed as a Camelot knight. Every time I have seen him talking to Arthur the past few days I have been thinking this is the time, it must be now that he joins us, but so far it hasn't come. Arthur has not mentioned offering him a knighthood and I haven't seen him inquiring about it either. If I want things to go a specific way I would have to be a little more forceful. Take matters into my own hands, but then I'm used to having to change things to go a certain way.

"I've been looking for you. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. You're a good and loyal servant, Arthur is lucky to have you."

If only he knew how lucky I think, but my heart drops into my stomach at the other words, "Leave?"

"Yes. Arthur has been as gracious as ever to me, but I've probably over stayed my welcome by now. I have mourned for my beloved Isolde and I must continue what we started together. There are places for me to go and things for me to see."

"You've got to stay at least one more night. You can head out in the morning," I plead as my tender throat protests my imploring tone.

I see him fishing through options or scenarios in his head before he starts to shake his head. He looks at me oddly, probably because I sound pitiful and more aggressive than I usually would.

"Please," I beg and place a hand against my neck to try and stop the painful burning sensation.

I must be more pathetic than even I think because he gives me a surprised and piteous look but relents, "All right Merlin. One more night."

"You won't regret it!"

I make my way to Arthur's room and go in. He is at his desk writing with his feather on some parchments. His blonde bangs are falling over his face and Excalibur is hanging off the chair against his waist. It's good to see him looking relaxed and at peace, if only for a few minutes.

He looks up at my entrance, "There you are. I thought I'd be waiting all day for my breakfast again."

I have the grace to look abashed although all those times were definitely not my fault. I was you know, saving his life, saving the kingdom, doing magic, or seeing a vision that turned my world upside down, but I suppose none of those excuses would go over well. And then there's of course a spell just blowing up in my face and leaving me reeling but that one definitely won't count either. I keep silent and place the plate of food in front of him, hopefully in a peace offering that will lighten his mood.

He glares at me for a moment then puts the cheese on his bread and starts to eat. He goes back to scribbling and I am thoroughly ignored. Normally I would start cleaning his room but I'm just too exhausted from the morning excursions and trying to figure out what to do about Tristan. It really shouldn't be a terribly shocking thing to suggest a knighthood but sometimes I never know what's going through my king's head.

When he is about done I broach the subject on my mind flippantly, "So it seems Tristan will be leaving soon."

"Hmm."

Not exactly an interested response. I try again and am relieved to feel the rasp finally leaving my voice, "It must have been so hard for him when Isolde passed. And after they agreed to fight with you to help save Camelot. He's a righteous man and good with a sword too."

Arthur puts his quill down and stares at me past his nose as if he doesn't like something, "All right, what's all this then?"

Why is he in such a fiercely bad mood this morning? Have I done something else wrong this week? I look down and don't reply because I don't know what to say. I don't want to bring up the subject if he's in a bad mood and will disregard it right away. But I only have this one day to put the idea in his head and have him make a decision. It appears like I can't do anything right since returning from the crystal cave. Its not that I'm trying to abandon him if that's what he thinks, but there are some things I've got to take care of, things I unfortunately can't tell him about.

He sighs and his tone softens, "I'm not angry Merlin. What is it you wanted to say?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking these stupid thoughts up myself about how maybe Tristan could become a new knight. I mean since Lancelot you haven't really taken to anyone new. I thought perhaps you liked Tristan. It was silly of me to think so. I beg your pardon Sire, I'll take your plate."

I quickly grab his empty breakfast plate and retreat from the room as fast as I can. I've placed the seed now I just need to wait for it to grow. Hopefully it won't take too long because we really only have a day to make this happen.

I've seen the wheels turning in Arthur's head a few times before and he never disappoints. Now is another one of those times. He has thought on the subject all afternoon and after I cleared the lunch dishes he speaks, "It's not a bad idea Merlin. I do like Tristan. I haven't really liked anyone new in a long while. Perhaps that's why the idea hadn't occurred to me before. I'm glad you mentioned it."

"I'm glad it turned out favorably then."

Arthur stands and stretches, he had been writing and signing documents the whole morning, "Just so. I'll go propose the idea now. Let's hope it goes well."

Later that night as Arthur congratulates his newest knight, a seed of doubt flourishes in my mind. Its appearance has me unnerved. If I didn't do what I just did earlier in the day would things go differently? It's so difficult to keep all my thoughts straight lately but if Tristan had left and not joined Camelot, how would that affect the outcome I saw in the vision. I specifically saw Tristan there; that's why I gave the idea to knight him to Arthur, because I wanted him to be there, but was that really the right choice? Just because I saw him there, does it mean he has to be there? Or does it mean that if he wasn't there something could change, possibly better or possibly worse? What other factors do I have control over relating to the things I saw in the crystal cave? If I am the cause of some of those things that occurred, do I have the power to change them as well? It's confusing and leaves my mind wavering with indecision.

"What's the matter Merlin? Isn't this what you wanted?" Gaius whispers to me quietly.

We are at the banquet hall celebrating Tristan's joining and he is holding a large glass of summerwine. Everyone is clinking glasses, merrily talking and laughing and the drunker people are even singing. I was standing alone by one of the pillars and watched my mentor walk over to me. Gaius' question doesn't bring me out of my thoughts but just makes me think on them harder.

Is it what I wanted or was it something that couldn't be avoided? I don't know the answer and that is worse than having it go my way. Maybe instead of working for everything in that vision to be the same I should be working on making it different. If Tristan wasn't there, could it mean a different outcome? Would it mean that I might be there? I wish I knew I truly wish I knew more than I do. If it's the last thing I do I must make sure Arthur has Excalibur, it could possibly mean the difference between life and death.

"You look like you've just seen a ghost," my mentor continues quietly.

"I have," is all I can say before I turn from the room, "A whole lot of them."