A/N: Thanks for all the interest in my story here. I've several chapters written or partially written already - I just need to tie them together. I appreciate your feedback – helps me know if I'm headed in a good direction.
Disclaimer: I own nothing Bones related except my imagination.
When the alarm clock started buzzing early the next morning, Brennan slammed the off button with much more force than normal. Most days, regardless of how hard or how late she'd worked the previous day, she was already awake before the alarm would start to screech. Often times she'd lay in bed and start to plan her day while still cocooned within her sheets, the alarm merely providing the signal that it was time for her to emerge from her nest. On those occasions where exhaustion caught up to her and she slept until the buzzer's reveille, she was generally quick to come to alertness and greeted the morning with enthusiasm.
This morning however, she just wanted to burrow back into her soft haven and ignore the world for a little longer. She'd sat on the floor by her front door until the tears ran out and exhaustion overcame her, waking a couple hours later cold and cramped from the uncomfortable position she'd settled in. When she finally hauled herself off the floor in the middle of the night, she simply stripped down to her underwear and crawled into bed, still too emotionally exhausted to worry about where her clothes landed.
Unfortunately, now that her slumber had been disturbed by the alarm, her mind was already starting to churn with thoughts that she couldn't avoid and she knew she'd not be able to get any more sleep in this morning. Her mind went right back to the night before. Not the case either, but Booth.
He'd saved her life again last night – following her in the rain to a neighborhood in a rough part of town and running into the street to pull her out of the path of an oncoming vehicle when her mind had been preoccupied with the dawning realization of exactly how and why Lauren Eames had died. Then he'd turned around and metaphorically crushed the heart he'd just rescued with his confirmation that their chance at being something more had passed.
Brennan wasn't angry at him though. She was the one who had been too afraid to give them a chance that night a year ago when he'd asked her to gamble with him. She was the one who agreed with him when he said he needed to move on. She was the one who let them both leave for the other side of the world without letting him know exactly what he meant to her. She was the one who, for all her genius, hadn't figured out until too late that not admitting to loving someone wasn't the same as not loving someone and you had just as much to lose by holding your silence. More really because you can't experience the full potential of your love when you deny it exists.
Brennan had finally accepted the job in the Maluku's because after that night in front of the Hoover, she had found herself conflicted over her feelings for Booth and needed some distance to gain perspective - to decide whether she could or should accept the offer he made which was constantly on her mind. She'd been incredibly jealous when he dated Catherine, the marine biologist. And hurt. It had been painful knowing that he was keeping company, laughing, telling jokes and having fun with another woman. As a distraction, she had dated Andrew Hacker a few times herself until she acknowledged that the most appealing thing about him was that he wasn't appealing. Not sexually anyway. Nor emotionally. Brennan had enjoyed his company because she felt absolutely nothing for him and that had been soothing to her turbulent emotions at the time. None the less, she'd ended it after only a few dates because even she knew that it wouldn't be fair to Andrew to string him along more than that.
But while she was away in Indonesia, she'd spent a lot of time thinking about Booth and about her own life and how her life might be fuller and richer if she admitted to him how much she loved him. She'd fantasized about them as a couple. Not just as lovers (although there had definitely been some graphic fantasies along those lines), but as two people sharing the little day-to-day experiences of life. Maybe even becoming a real family someday, with kids, a house, even a dog. She liked the image she conjured and had vowed to herself that when they got back, she'd let him know how she felt.
Brennan thought back to the night they had returned to Washington DC and met up with one another at the reflecting pool. She'd gotten there first and had found herself anxiously awaiting his arrival. As she'd stood there on the marble steps of the national memorial, she imagined their reunion – would he hug her? Would he kiss her? Would he be as excited to see her as she was to see him? Eventually, she had turned around and there he was, so handsome that he stole her breath away. When he smiled at her and opened his arms, she'd wrapped herself around him unhesitatingly feeling like she'd finally found her way home, her heart swelling with love for the man in her arms. She hadn't wanted to let him go and had to force herself to step out of his embrace when she felt his arms start to slacken around her.
Then, in a matter of moments, he unknowingly destroyed the hopes and fantasies that she'd been harboring while away.
* FLASHBACK *
"So, did you meet anyone special?" he'd asked her teasingly.
"You mean did I have sex with anyone," she clarified, wondering if his question was a way of gently probing whether she was still available. She'd been worrying over how to broach the topic of them with him and thought maybe this was the opening she needed.
"I missed that about you . . . You just cut right to the chase. Yeah"
"I was working . . . so there was no time or inclination for sex or romance." She added the last part because she thought it was important that he understand her celibacy was a choice and not just a by-product of the circumstances. She was about to tell him that she'd thought about him frequently and that he was the only man she had entertained sexual or romantic inclinations towards in a long time when her natural caution kicked in and instead, she found herself asking him whether he'd met anyone special while he was away.
She had not been prepared for him to answer yes.
When he responded "Yeah . . . I'll ah, show you," and reached into his pocket to pull out his phone, showing her a picture of an attractive blonde woman, Brennan had felt as though a knife had been thrust into her heart and all the blood in her head had suddenly drained away. "Hannah," he said warmly. Her heart clenched painfully tight, her throat suddenly locked up in constriction, and she momentarily felt lightheaded. Years of practicing don't-let-them-see-you-cry while she'd been in the foster-care system kicked in and she managed to successfully hide her reaction from Booth.
She'd choked out the question "How . . . how did you meet?" convincingly feigning a friendly interest while she tried to come to grips with this newest development. When he told her firmly that his relationship with Hannah was as serious as a heart attack, she silently gathered her shattered dreams to herself, locking them away with her hopes of ever experiencing a true love of her own. She knew she was irrevocably in love with Booth and had been for years despite any claims to the contrary. While in the Maluku's, she had acknowledged to herself that if she couldn't build a relationship and future with Booth, she'd never do it with anyone else. She'd never love or trust another man the way she did Booth and because she'd turned him away, she couldn't deny him this opportunity to find happiness with someone else.
* END FLASHBACK *
Deciding that wallowing in her bed wasn't going to accomplish anything and she'd probably fare better today with the distraction work could provide, Brennan rolled out of her bed and headed to the bathroom for a hot shower.
Having taken a little extra time that morning with her make-up to try and disguise the evidence of her tears and another night of sleeping poorly, Brennan arrived at the Jeffersonian a little later than her normal time and was set upon by Cam almost as soon as she'd sat down at her desk.
"Dr. Brennan," Cam started in her I'm-the-boss authoritative tone as she strode into Brennan's office, "I'm going to have to insist that you take some time off today and get some rest."
"What? No. Why?" Had Booth called Cam and told her what happened in the truck last night? She knew they were friends, but what happened (or didn't happen) between her and Booth was personal and not work related. He shouldn't have brought it to the office through Cam. Brennan really, really needed the comfort of her work today to help her get herself centered again. She was depending on being able to hide away alone in Limbo most of the day. "I'm fine, Cam," she insisted.
"No. You're not. You're exhausted. You've been working non-stop to discover what happened to Lauren Eames and at this point, letting you continue to work on the case in the shape you're in could jeopardize any evidence we may discover. Go home Dr. Brennan. Get some sleep. We'll keep working on the case and let you know if we discover anything significant."
Recognizing that Cam was still focused on Lauren Eames and obviously knew nothing about Brennan's epiphany from the night before or about her subsequent chat with Booth, Brennan breathed a silent sigh of relief and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, that. I believe we can close that case Dr. Saroyan. I have confidence that I know exactly what happened and I've already shared my conclusions with Booth, who agrees," and she went on to explain the theory she'd presented to Booth last night about Lauren's death. "My plan for today is simply to wrap up the case paperwork this morning, then spend some quiet time down in bone storage for bit. I appreciate your concern for my welfare, but I'm fine, Dr. Saroyan. I spent the night at home last night and even slept in a little this morning."
Cam, who was somewhat caught off-guard by the apparent return of the rational Dr. Brennan she was accustomed too in lieu of the version they'd all seen the last couple days, simply nodded her head. "Oh. Okay then. That's good. Good. I'll leave you to it then." She spun on her heel and retreated to her own office.
It wasn't until the day was almost over that Angela Montenegro hunted down Brennan in limbo to see for herself if her best friend was really doing okay. Cam had spread the word early that morning that Brennan had effectively closed the case (untraceable vehicular homicide being the conclusion) and that she seemed back to normal, but had requested some quiet time. Cam had asked everyone to respect Dr. Brennan's request and to minimize their interruptions of her time for a couple of days.
"Hey Sweetie, how are you feeling?" Angela asked as she entered the exam room where Brennan had set herself up for the day, stopping on the opposite side of the exam table from her friend.
Keeping her focus on the bone she was currently examining, Brennan simply responded "I'm fine, Ange."
"How about we go out for drinks tonight after work, hmm? It's almost quitting time so what d'ya say?"
"No, thank you. I'd like to catch up on some work that I ignored the last few days and your pregnant. You can't consume alcoholic beverages anyway so what would be the point?"
Brennan still hadn't looked up from the bone in her hands and Angela knew her well enough to realize that for some reason, Brennan was trying to avoid her. Usually, that meant her friend was not fine, despite her assertions to the contrary.
"The point would be that you are my best friend, I love you, and I want to spend some time just hanging out with you for a little while whether I'm pregnant or not. Plus, you won't look at me so I don't believe you when you claim that everything is fine. Talk to me, Sweetie."
Brennan gently replaced the bone she'd been handling in the correct place on the table and leaned both arms on the edge, looking down at her hands. She'd made herself a vow when she was in the Maluku Islands that she was going to be more open and honest about her feelings with her friends when she returned home to Washington DC. With the exception of Booth, she'd been trying very hard to abide by that vow since she returned, especially with Angela, and she recognized that already, their friendship seemed stronger and a little more balanced than before. But she wasn't sure what she was expected to say right now.
Lifting her chin to look at Angela, she didn't get any further than "I . . ." before her voice broke and tears started welling up in her eyes, overflowing onto her cheeks and she looked away again, struggling to compose herself.
Angela immediately closed and locked the door to the exam room so they'd have some privacy, then approached her friend and engulfed her in a hug. After a few minutes, Brennan pulled back and with a large sniffle, assured Angela that she'd be okay now.
"Bren, honey, you are not the same as Lauren Eames. You have friends who love you." Grabbing one of Brennan's hands, Angela placed it over her tummy. "You're going to be an Aunt to this little guy too. You are not alone, okay?"
Looking down at where her hand rested on Angela's slightly swollen stomach, still covered by Angela's hand, Brennan smiled softly. "I know Ange. And I know that my life is not the same as Lauren Eames' life was. That's not what's bothering me."
"Oh? Is it Max? Or Russ? Are they okay or did something happen to one of them?"
"They're fine. Well, as far as I know anyway. I haven't actually spoken to either of them in a couple weeks."
"Then what is going on?"
Brennan took a deep breath, partly to stall for time, partly to settle her emotions a little more. She looked at the concern in Angela's face and decided to tell her the truth. She didn't know if talking about it would make her feel better, but Angela had a way about her that usually helped Brennan to cope with her emotions when they became overwhelming.
"I know that Lauren Eames and I are different people, I do, but you have to admit that there are parallels between our lives. The helicopter pilot loved her and wanted her to give them a chance, but she said no. As you know, before I left for the Maluku Islands, Booth said he wanted me to give him a chance, and I also said no. I regret that decision, Ange. I've regretted it almost from the beginning but even more so now that I feel as though I've lost him to someone else." Brennan confessed quietly and she felt the hand that was covering hers give hers a comforting squeeze. "Last night, I told Booth."
Angela couldn't prevent her jaw from dropping slightly in surprise. "Oh my god. You told Booth? What do you mean you told Booth?"
Brennan withdrew her hand from Angela and wrapped her arms around herself as though holding on to herself would keep her grounded. Angela's heart broke at the look of hurt in her friend's eyes as she explained. "I know he's with Hannah now, but I didn't want to keep having regrets. Do you understand? I didn't want something to happen to one of us someday and him not to know how I felt about him. I decided I owed it to him to be honest about my feelings for him in case . . . in case there was a chance that it might make a difference."
"Oh Sweetie." Angela opened her arms again and Brennan stepped into them, welcoming the comforting embrace, both women now with teary eyes. "You don't even need to tell me what Booth said. He's Booth. He's committed himself to having a relationship with Hannah and that's where his loyalty is going to be, right?"
Brennan just nodded. "Was I wrong to tell him Ange?" Brennan regarded her friend with a tortured expression. "All day long I've been in here asking myself whether I did the right thing in letting him know or whether I should have continued to keep my feelings a secret, and I just don't know. I wasn't expecting him to reciprocate, but I'm terrified that my confession may scare him away and I'll end up losing even more of him."
Angela used the pads of her thumbs to brush the tears from Brennan's cheeks. "You know, the two of you really suck with respect to your timing," she complained ruefully. "Whether it was the right thing or the wrong thing doesn't matter now Sweetie. It's done. What matters now is how you go forward. Right now, Booth has committed himself to Hannah and she seems to be committed to him too and I'm sure those chemicals you're always going on about are running through their systems clouding their perceptions. It may be awkward for a bit, but I don't believe he'll abandon you. Booth's no fool and I'm sure he's going to realize at some point just how fortunate he was to earn your love, if he hasn't already. But he's a proud man and loyal to those he's involved with, so you can't wait for him or expect him to ever be available for you again. As difficult as it is to accept, you've got to move on too Bren. You've got to get back out there and start dating again and try to get over Booth. You've got to accept that you're his work partner and his friend, but you can't expect anything more. You need to learn to stop loving him."
Brennan rolled her eyes and chuckled without humor. "You make that sound so easy Ange, but I've spent most of the last six years telling myself Booth wasn't for me, that he didn't want to be more than partners, and that I needed to stop loving him, to no avail. What I've come to realize is that loving Booth is like sinking in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink."
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